Planting A Seed

BPSTo their credit, fundamentalists are big believers in outreach. No matter how many times they are rejected, laughed at, spit on, or have a door slammed shut they just keep right on going. In fact, they keep on going even when it’s apparent to everyone but them that what they’re doing is having no positive effect whatsoever. When the witnessing method du jour is bearing no visible results, fundies will inevitably say that they are at least “planting a seed.”

Are you holding up Bible verse signs at a racetrack? Planting a seed!

Are you preaching from the back of a moving pickup truck? Planting a seed!

Are you yelling at cars at an intersection during the heat of summer when people have their windows up, their A/C on, and their music playing and couldn’t for the life of them tell whether you’re preaching the gospel or expounding theories about flying saucers? Planting a Seed!

Bumper Stickers? Yard Signs? Tracts strewn about like confetti? All are planting a seed. At least they might be. Sorta. Maybe.

Faith cometh by hearing. Evidently fundies don’t stop to consider that maybe it doesn’t work so well if all the people are hearing is the annoying buzz of obsolete or obnoxious techniques.

Yelling at traffic and calling it witnessing is about as ingenious as construction workers yelling at women as they pass and calling it courtship.

FWOTW: RepentanceBlacklist.com

blacklist Have you ever feared that there may be people out there in the world you disagree with you but are not sure who they are? Well, fear no more. Steve Anderson has put together a list of all those who are teaching the ‘heresy’ of repentance for salvation on a site named (aptly enough) The Repentance Blacklist.

Leaving no heretic unnamed, Steve cuts a wide swath through fundamental and evangelical circles listing both the living and the dead. I never thought I would see John Piper and Lester Roloff side by side on any list but there they are — equally guilty of the perversion of taking verses like Acts 17:30 seriously.

Make sure to check out Steve’s four sermons explaining his position on the subject.

Illustration: Two Russian Soldiers

russians

As a secret house-church begins it service in a village in Communist Russia (or China, or Vietnam…), two soldiers burst in brandishing machine guns.

“This is an illegal meeting,” they scream “and we’re going to shoot anybody who won’t deny Christ and leave right now!”

A few folks tremble with fear and deny Christ and run out into the night. The rest sit resolute without moving.

The soldiers then lower their weapons and say “We want to be saved but first we wanted to get rid of any spies and informers who might be in the audience.”

There are countless variations on this tale such as this one. As always it has all the hallmarks of a dubious illustration. It involves a place far away, it involves no actual names of people, the church, or anyone who knows someone involved. Last but not least it involves Communists. If you can’t work Africa into your story, throwing in a few Communists is the next best thing.

Bible Covers

Fundamentalists are great fans of Bible covers. Where else can you store 43 gospel tracts, a year’s worth of bulletins, cough drops, gum, extra strength tissues for repentance-quality crying, two pens, six highlighters, 4 bookmarks, a Read Through the Bible in Year guide from 1983 and (if there’s still room) a Bible.

But the  question the fundamentalist must ask  is: what kind of statement does my Bible cover make? Let’s explore some of the options:

brightorange
Thy Word is a Lamp Unto My Feet…and also doubles as an emergency reflector.

camo
I’m in the Lord’s army. And the Idaho Citizens’ Constitutional Militia.

quilted
Finally, a Bible that matches my outfit!

legallyblonde
I’m a Southern Baptist on the Inside

kinkade
I also have an extensive decorated plate collection…

compass
Thanks to this cover, I no longer worry about getting lost in the church vestibule.

usflag
I’m patriotic. And home schooled. And I also sew name tags in all my clothes

134363XL
I have Beach Boys tapes hidden in my closet.

organizer
I’m a Preacher Boy. And I’ve got the business cards to prove it.

A silly blog dedicated to Independent Fundamental Baptists, their standards, their beliefs, and their craziness.