This weeks pick is oldpathsbaptist.com home of “INDEPENDENT, UNAFFILIATED, UNREGISTERED, KING JAMES BIBLE PREACHING, SINNER LOVING, SIN HATING, SAINT EXHORTING, SAVIOUR EXALTING, SOLD OUT, SEPARATED, SET APART, IN LOVE WITH JESUS, GOD CALLED, CHURCH SENT, CHURCH PLANTING, BAPTIST[S]”

I have to wonder who first came up with the “JerUSAlem” thing as a clever title for home missions. I really wish they hadn’t.

Be sure to check out the missions video presentation, blog, and collection of music recordings.

This weeks FOTW is a twofer. For one low, low price you get Momof9splace.com and as an added bonus you get myculottes.com as well.

Don’t miss the 10 part series on child training, Biblical guidelines about clothing and a Four Page Study on Courtship vs. Dating.

And be sure to check out the culottes. Lots and lots of culottes.

This week’s pick could best be titled the online resume of a fundamentalist preacher.

Dr. Edward DeVries is the author of 27 books and dozens of published articles. He holds 5 earned college and seminary degrees including a Doctor of Theology degree from Landmark Baptist University in Bristol, Tennessee.”

Worth checking out are the endorsements from everybody from Jack Hyles to Jerry Falwell. His writings include Symbol of Hate? or an Ensign of the Christian Faith? (a defense of the Confederate Flag as a “Christian Symbol that dates back to the old Roman-Celtic Wars”) and FINDING A NEW PASTOR: A Guidebook for Pastor Search Committees.

Fun for the whole family!

Loyal SFL reader Erin sent along today’s fundy website pick of the week: modestapparelusa.com.

I think that it goes without saying that if you’ve ever owned a maternity culotte slip, you’re probably a fundamentalist.

And yes they are available up to size 4xlarge. (I’ll leave you for a moment to ponder that.)

Since it’s also important to be modest in your own bedroom (one doesn’t want to be a stumbling block after all), the discerning fundamentalist lady can avail herself of a Blue Paisley Flannel Nightgown (only available in XL).

This item is also known as the “Gotta Headache” and is one of the few methods of birth control that fundamentalists approve of.

And what’s this I see? They’re selling copies of Your Clothes Say It For You by Elizabeth Rice Handford?

Ahhh. Suddenly the entire site begins to make a lot more sense.

College Lakes Baptist Church in Fayetteville,NC describes themselves this way:

“The church family believes in: an unlimited atonement, a universal resistible call,resistible grace, using the King James Version of the Bible, deference to the pastor in all matters, serving at the pleasure of the pastor, a church-led government, a person with a servant’s heart who is seeking to meet spiritual needs rather than being recognized as a person with a title, traditional church music only, a wife actively involved in the ministry, and the church is anti-Calvinistic.”

Oh, but it gets better. A quick trip to their website reveals a student handbook for their Christian Academy that reads like something you’d expect to find in a volume entitled “Total Domination and You: Cult Making For Fun And Profit.”

A few excerpts:

Is your kid having a problem with the way a rule is being enforced? Forgetaboutit!

WE DO NOT TOLERATE GRIPING
If your child comes home complaining about a policy or discipline, please follow this procedure:

1. Reread the handbook; it states our policies. You can then remind the student that you both
were aware of the policy when he enrolled in the Academy.
2. Realize that your child’s reporting is emotionally biased and may not include all the
information.
3. Realize that the school has reasons for all rules and we enforce them without partiality.
4. Support and contact the school for all the facts. You may talk with the lead supervisor in
each Learning Center. Please do not seek to talk with the principal or anyone else because
discipline is left to the discretion of the supervisor

And let’s not forget to include a section on CHRISTIAN AMERICANISM!

Christian Americanism places emphasis upon the greatness of America’s heritage and the sacrifices of her heroes. America’s constitution guarantees liberties to educate in order to preserve freedom. We unashamedly teach the Biblical doctrines of self-discipline, respect for those in authority, obedience to law and their natural outgrowth, and love for what the flag originally represented.

Ready for the best part? The church description I started with was from a listing on the BJU church placement service website as part of an advertisement for an associate pastor position. Crazyland is never as far from “mainstream” as the fundies would like you to think.

There’s a general rule when it comes to fundy church websites: if the URL of the church website is the name of the pastor, run away!

This week’s pick jamesknox.com(also the home of THE BIBLE Baptist Church of DeLand, Florida) certainly fits the bill. Here you’ll find prominent displays of Bro. Knox’s self-proclaimed “classic sermons”, thoughts (on Tiger Woods: “Why anyone is surprised that a man who curses the name of Jesus Christ over a poorly hit golf ball would be unfaithful to his wife is a mystery to me.”), commentary, and radio broadcasts as well as the ubiquitous Bible school. As for that last please note that the school does not have “Banquets, dances, festivals and other thinly disguised observances of pagan holidays.” and “nothing in place to promote romance among our students.” So there. Bro. Knox evidently keeps busy.

Be sure to check out the pictures from the 2009 Bible conference which includes one shot of the preacher kissing (sniffing?, licking?) his Bible, some great examples of sign-holding evangelism, and more collared shirts than you can shake a stick at.

This week’s pick is the website of Heritage Baptist Church in Endicott, New York. In addition to having the normal fundy website features, this site contains one page of particular note — or many notes as the case may be.

Indeed this congregation has discovered music encoded in the Scriptures. This inspired music is “derived and played from a combination of the Hebrew words, verbal and musical syntax, syllables and accent marks found in the Masoretic text of the Old Testament.” And then it just gets weird. They claim “One should recognize that this music is not separate from God’s inspired and preserved words; thus, the music is God’s inspired and preserved music. ” From the music presented we’re left to believe that God writes music in Western style and 4/4 time. Oy vey.

Enjoy!

Ever wanted to be a card carrying KJVO member? At this week’s site you can actually get a card. No Joke. Join the other 1,165 Members if you dare.

You can also enjoy a variety of KJVO articles such as this warning against counterfeit KJV Bibles that change the spellings and remove hyphens!

The horror just can’t be described in modern English.

“If you are interested in joining this group of godly, fundamental, Christian ladies who use only the King James Version of the Bible, then this is the place for you.” But be warned: “Use only KJV when posting scripture of any kind, or it will be deleted. I will not tolerate gossip or backbiting of any kind, or any slang of language, like “gees” or “golly”.”

Make no mistake, Barbara (a.k.a. PastorsMate) runs things with an iron hand. If “you’ve prayed about it” and you’re up to the challenge, be sure to fill out an application for membership. Premium Membership also available.

Not content to only provide an IFB alternative to Facebook, some enterprising fundies have also created a separated and sanctified alternative to YouTube as well. BaptistVideos.org provides endless minutes of delight with offerings such as a Billy Sunday Impression, A Sermon from CLA Founder David Gibbs, and my vote for the Worst Q&A Session Ever.

Also note that there’s not a sermon under 50 minutes long anywhere to be found. Glory!