The church bookstore is a long-standing fundamentalist tradition. Where else can you conveniently purchase eight books and assorted pamphlets written by the pastor himself, a delightful assortment of Footprints bookmarks, fish-shaped breath mints, and a smorgasbord of those little rubber coin purses with KJV bible verses stamped on the front? (Wait, do they even make those little coin purses anymore? Hey, it looks like they do!)

The church bookstore is also sanctified from the law of the Sabbath which states that “no good Christian may do business on the Sabbath day unless that business is frequenting an all-you-can-eat buffet.” This special dispensation for restaurants is widely recognized as the exception of the “ox in the ditch” — only the ox in this case is smothered in onions and served with a baked potato. It only stands to reason that you’d have to make an exception to the no-business-on-Sunday rule for the church store; it’s when most of the customers show up.

Whether it’s an entire room or just one table in the back of the auditorium, the bookstore is one-stop shopping for all your fundy merchandising needs.  Be sure to check out the new selection of Wordless Book pencils and preaching cassette tapes.

(Thanks, JP)

Love America? Love Jesus? Want to combine the two in a totally awesome way?

(I do find the 14 stars just a tad confusing. It was suggested to me that perhaps those are representative of the states in the Bible belt. Who knows.)

It’s that time of year when the world falls in love and peace and earth and goodwill toward men reigns supreme. Yet even in this time of merry-making and fruitcake slinging, fundamentalists will find someone to attack: Old St. Nick.

For Santa Clause is THE GREAT IMPOSTER who will lead your children astray not only each December but possibly for eternity. The reasoning goes something like this…

If a parent tells their trusting child that Santa is real and and that he is omniscient (knows if they’ve been naughty or nice), omnipresent (can get around the world in one night), and omnipotent (not sure about this one but just go with it) then when they learn he is not real they’ll lose faith not only in Santa but will be forced to believe that God is a mere fairytale as well. Did you get that? Good.

Not content to leave it there, fundies then decide to heap unto themselves further proofs that Santa is not only imaginary, he is also evil as well. The SANTA = SATAN theme is preached far and wide. Their proof for this connection?

An internet Google search on “Satan Claus” [not Santa Claus – but SATAN Claus] found over 1,700 hits! Obviously, there are many that tie the two together.

We also learn that Old Nick is

“A well-known British name of the Devil. It seems probable that this name is derived from the Dutch Nikken, the devil…”
(Encyclopedia of Occultism and Parapsychology, p.650)

He’s also a saint so we know the Roman Catholics are involved somehow which probably means it’s a global conspiracy. I don’t know about you but that settles it for me. Not only is Santa not real but he is also the devil. One can only imagine what fundies must think of the tooth fairy.

Ripped from the Headlines… (ok, it was actually probably buried on page J32 but still)

NIPOMO — A lawn display of a Jesus shooting Santa Claus has residents in one San Luis Obispo County city up in arms.

The controversial Christmas display shows a Jesus figure pointing a double-barrel shotgun at a dead Santa figure. Santa’s reindeer Rudolph lays sprawled across the hood of a pickup truck nearby.

Some neighbors have asked the display be removed, but its maker, Ron Lake, says it’s a work of art denouncing the commercialization of Christmas.

Police said that because Lake built the display on private property they cannot force him to take it down.

Some residents plan to start a petition.

via ktla.com

I have no idea what Mr. Lake’s religious beliefs are but a story with guns, dead Santa, a pickup truck and angry neighbors protesting sounds like a fundy’s Christmas dream come true.

Thanks to “coffee bean” for the link.

Are you letting the joy of Jesus show on your face? Never mind that He was a man of sorrows. Let’s ignore that the king upon who’s throne He sits spent a lot of time writing depressed poetry and music. Just put out of your mind the weeping and lamenting prophets. Just let the joy of Jesus shine on your face no matter what. Verbal beatings will commence until morale goes up.

If you’ve ever had a choir director launch a red-faced screaming tirade that you don’t look happy enough…you might have been a fundamentalist.

If this was your “family car” growing up…you may have been a fundamentalist.

Official Sword Drill Instructions:

1. If some children do not know how to do a Sword Drill then first of all explain why the Bible is the Christian’s sword.

12. The first one to get the verse should shout out the first couple words as before. This child has then won the sword drill and should then read out this verse.

If you’ve ever spent hours refining your sword drill bible-opening and page-flipping skills…you might have been a fundamentalist.

Of all the ways to celebrate a fundamentalist church’s 70th anniversary, I just wouldn’t have foreseen an entry for “Get a John Wayne impersonator” as being anywhere on the list.

One can only assume that Texas fundamentalists are a breed unto themselves.