This is just one brief excerpt from a treasure trove of material found in the Joyful Woman Leadership Manual by Joy Rice Martin. Therein you’ll also learn why pastor’s wives can’t have real friends and the importance of finding a good church to visit on your romantic getaway weekends.

It’s no secret that fundamentalists think that their specific doctrinal stances on everything from hell to (prayers over) breakfast are the only ones that are correct. But the overactive case of certainty that follows the average fundy is hardly limited to the realms of doctrinal squabbling. In fact for many fundamentalists, being absolutely right and defending their ideas to the death is a way of life no matter what the topic. Absolutism is a way of life.

People who drive smart cars are all Communists. Pepsi drinkers are not just sorely mistaken they are actually victims of a conspiracy to make you eat your own children. Vegetarians (except Bro. Roloff, God rest his soul) may just as well start worshiping Gaia and get it over with. And don’t even get me started on people who have the utter gall to be born French and haven’t yet apologized for it.

So many people in the world are so very wrong. And if you’re ever unsure about that fact just ask your local fundy pastor his opinion on anything from plumbing to NASCAR and you’ll soon find out that it’s not just spiritual things that are absolutely fundamental.

Today’s reader-submitted photo is a snapshot of a poem that a pastor wrote about his hero, Jack Hyles.

If we are all sinners then why is my list of sins so much worse than your own?

If God own the cattle on a thousand hills then why do you constantly beg for my money to build His buildings?

If Jesus is so kind and gracious, then why do those who claim to follow him better than anyone else seem so petty and cruel?

If works do not save us then how do they then sanctify us?

If you had 507 people saved last year, where are they now?

If if our neighbor doesn’t have enough clothing or food and we do nothing but speak platitudes to them is that enough?

If fundamentalism is changing the world then why is the world so spectacularly unchanged?

If you love God and God loves the whole world then why can’t anybody see His love in you?

My friend, your life is but a vapor. Time is running out to do something great for God. You are only one heartbeat away from eternity!

So hurry! Don’t delay! Come quickly and join us as we go out to the highways and hedges to act like total jackasses.

This may be your last chance in this life to not accomplishing anything at all! Don’t let this opportunity be lost forever.

Apparently the dress code for some fundy churches isn’t as strict out in California.

Here are the top ten things that fundamentalists apparently expect people to say even if somehow they almost never do.

10. I’m so happy that you’re here knocking on my door on Saturday morning. Please, come in and judge me for a while!
9. Waiting to kiss my spouse until we were married has made it so much more enjoyable!
8. Your culottes are so modest that they make me feel like I’m dressed like a hussy! Can I get your sewing pattern for them?
7. The Bible makes so much more sense to me since I threw away my NIV and started reading the King James.
6. Since coming to your church I realized what was missing in my spiritual life: more pastoral screaming.
5. Looking at your family makes me so sad that I too selfish to have six more children.
4. I get to go to heaven AND vote for Republican Presidential candidates? What a sweet deal!
3. I’d so much rather have this Gospel tract than food or money.
2. Yes! I had always suspected something sinister about The Smurfs!
1. Since joining your church I finally understand what Jesus meant about His yoke being easy and his burden being light.

Say what you will about old Jack H., the man could spin a yarn like nobody’s business.

Pastor Sean Harris of Berean Baptist Church in Fayetteville, NC is now infamous for saying this:

So inevitably he’s now trying to issue a retraction that goes like this.

Do you buy it? Is Sean Harris really sorry? Did he really not mean what he said?