Fundamentalists believe in the doctrine of Eternal Security otherwise known as the “Once Saved, Always Saved” approach to soteriology. However, this assurance robs fundamentalists of a vital tool used by other sects for keeping people in line; namely, the ability to threaten damnation for the malefactor’s eternal soul.

Not at all deterred by this, the fundamentalist simply modifies the approach slightly and instead suggests that if a person is currently in indulging in unspeakable wickedness, worldliness, and other types of wayward wandering that it’s likely they were never actually saved to start with. One way or another, if you sin you’re gonna burn.

Here’s the process.

1. The Question
“Would any true Christian be interested in reading that book?”

“Could a person who truly has the Holy Spirit happily go to that place?”

“If a person is truly born again could they really love that worldly thing?”

2. The Feigned Concern
“I’m concerned about your walk with the Lord.”

“I’m just don’t see the kind of growth that a true believer would have.”

“I think you may be self-deceived. Did you really mean it when you prayed?”

3. The Benediction
“Has there ever been a time in your life…”

“I’m going to see about getting you some spiritual counseling.”

“I will pray for you.”

Your eternal destiny is heavy price to pay for wanting to read the latest fantasy novel or listen to the radio.

By the way, if you’re going to stay in fundyland, my advice is to learn how to cry on command when confronted with these individuals. Show remorse and let them move on to the next victim. The penitent man shall pass.

For this and other great titles such as –

“Dressing for the Lord”

“Self-Esteem: Satan’s Most Harmful Tool”

“Ancient Landmarks (Devotions for Teens and Young Adults)”

Check out plainpathpublishers.com

The other five parts are on YouTube if you care to watch.

The last bastion of those who would defend the ills of fundamentalism is protesting that nobody has ever shown them proof positive that any charge against them has merit.

I recently observed this in person via an online conversation where apologists for a particular fundamentalist college claimed that nobody has ever proven to them that someone has been denied entrance to a graduate school because their undergrad degree lacked accreditation.

I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in.

Whether it’s a scandal that is common knowledge or a truth claim that is patently false, the rallying cry of fundamentalists will inevitably be “you have no proof!”

Since our pastor was given a plea bargain to a lighter sentence than the original crime he was charged with, you have no proof that he actually did it! Who cares if the evidence presented to the grand jury was overwhelming? You have no proof!

Since you can’t produce audio tape that our college president actually said that crazy thing you can’t prove he actually said it! It doesn’t matter that there were 5,000 witnesses. You have have no proof!

Hard on the heels of this cry that there is no proof, will come the accusation that lacking this smoking gun all further references to this event are gossip, slander, and attacks upon the blameless figure of God’s man.

Who are you going to believe after all, me or your own lying eyes?

Other than the Antichrist himself (and his mark, of course), perhaps no other apocalyptic reference has been been given so many different possible interpretations by fundamentalists as the threatening specters of Gog and Magog.

Who could these amassed radical anti-Israel forces be? A Revived Communist Russia? A Fascist Nuclear Iran? An Uzbekistan Buzkashi Team? And it’s only fair to assume that the Catholics will be involved somehow or another.

Whatever Gog and Magog are or were they’re absolutely perfect for fundamentalist sermons. Just about any news of military maneuvering somewhere vaguely northish of Israel can be turned into an angel getting ready to blast out the end of the world. And since somebody over there is inevitably flexing their military muscles at any given point in time, it’s pretty easy to keep the eschatological ball rolling.

As for me, my money is on Switzerland. It’s always the quiet ones you have to watch the closest.

If you happen to have any friends or relatives who are still fundamentalists it’s almost guaranteed that you’ve been blessed with their forwarded e-mails that inform you of lurking dangers and global conspiracies backed up by the finest new source known to man: worldnetdaily.com. Unlike the liberal mainstream press who only report on how evil Republicans are, worldnetdaily stands in the gap providing fundies and others of their political ilk the real inside scoop on why the CIA is monitoring your toilet paper usage or what really caused Mrs. Augustine Puddlemeyer to cry “Lord Have Mercy!” at 3:47 on Monday afternoon.

If it weren’t for worldnetdaily, there would be so much less material with which pastors could frighten their congregations during the monthly “19 Reasons Why I’m Stockpiling Ammunition Until Jesus Comes Back” sermon. And my e-mail inbox would certainly be a more empty.

Whenever someone apostatizes and leaves the old paths, fundamentalists will inevitably assign someone the blame. There will be an informal postmortem, inquest, and a whispered placing of the blame on someone’s shoulders for having led this soul astray. More often than not the culpability is rested on the shoulders of the fundamentalist parents.

It is a strange contradiction that fundamentalists can at the same time believe that every man has free will but also that no child raised “properly” will ever stray from the fundy faith. It can’t have been that the fundamentalist movement was flawed or illogical or provoked this young person to wrath. No indeed, it’s much more likely that this rebellion was inspired by the way their parents spared the rod or allowed them to have Disney characters on their third grade lunch box.

For this reason, parents in the fundamentalist realm will often preach to their children not only the doctrines of separation and standards but also heap upon them the warning that if the child’s foot should stray that he will bring a reproach on his family’s honor that will never be removed. His father may lose his deaconship. His mother may lose her place on the women’s missionary committee. The family dog may even lose the right to frolic with more upright and holier dogs.

Train up  a child in the way that he should go and when he is old if he has departed from it we’ll definitely be blaming your parenting. (Unless, of course, you’re a pastor who is among the congregation of the blessed. Then we’ll be far too polite to mention it.)

Anything you can do, a fundamentalist can do better. And faster. and holier.

Their Sunday Schools aren’t just big. No, they’re the biggest Sunday Schools In The History of Mankind (5000 years give or take).

Their soul winners aren’t just active. They’ve won more people to Jesus than Peter and Paul combined.

Our church isn’t just growing, it’s growing faster than any other organization in the country and will soon need yet another building project just to contain it.

The times they’re living in aren’t just wicked. They’re the most wicked times since Noah and bound to pass up his record any minute now.

Your pastor isn’t just disciplined. He actually survives on only twenty minutes of sleep a night just so he can pray every night for every single fundamentalist missionary and all of their children by name. Twice.

One has to wonder how such amazing and accomplished people have so long managed to keep the majority of the world from even knowing that they exist.