To a fundamentalist a person’s “testimony” is a combination of their street cred, brownie points, and fashion sense with their Sunday School attendance record thrown in for good measure. For a fundy, it is the ultimate measure of how well a Christian is keeping up his outward appearance towards the world.

This is no mere desire for a good reputation, for ‘losing your testimony’ is tantamount to condemning people to eternal torment. Consider this story…

Hephzibah is a lovely fundamentalist girl who is as sweet and kind as the day is long. But while hanging out with some unsavory (read: non-fundamentalist) friends, she is encouraged to try taking a sip of an alcoholic beverage. Her bad friendships and unguarded heart lead her down the slippery slope of unrighteousness and she succumbs to this horrible sin. She drinks the tiniest mouthful of the potent brew and all hell breaks lose.

For in that very instant she loses her testimony in front of the lost. Now when she attempts to witness to them all they will see is the word “HYPOCRITE” hanging above her head in burning letters and they will point and laugh derisively and refuse to repent. Ten minutes later she and all of her friend die in a horrible bus crash and she’s left to spend eternity knowing that her friends are all in hell because she took that single drink.

Testimony can be lost for so many different things. A radio preset, a wayward glance, a lock of hair that dangles down upon an ear. Beware, the beady eyes of the world are always upon you and they are keeping score. Be ye therefore perfect.

(All that is unless, of course, you are a fundamentalist preacher who is lucky enough to be granted unquestioning forgiveness no matter what his indiscretion all while condemning those of others.)

This weeks pick is oldpathsbaptist.com home of “INDEPENDENT, UNAFFILIATED, UNREGISTERED, KING JAMES BIBLE PREACHING, SINNER LOVING, SIN HATING, SAINT EXHORTING, SAVIOUR EXALTING, SOLD OUT, SEPARATED, SET APART, IN LOVE WITH JESUS, GOD CALLED, CHURCH SENT, CHURCH PLANTING, BAPTIST[S]”

I have to wonder who first came up with the “JerUSAlem” thing as a clever title for home missions. I really wish they hadn’t.

Be sure to check out the missions video presentation, blog, and collection of music recordings.

In Christianity it is widely acknowledged that periods of quiet reading, prayer, and meditation are a good thing for a person’s spiritual state. Fundamentalist, of course, take it one step further and declare that if you fail to do devotional exercise every single day that your fate will be to  “shrink, shrink, shrink.”

Fundamentalists love the stories of the grooves worn in George Muller’s floor. Or was that Praying Hyde? Or perhaps John Knox? It’s anybody’s guess. But the real point is that a young man who sleeps in and disregarded his devotions just one time will be without the proper weapons to do battle with spiritual wickedness in high places — or a magazine cover at the grocery checkout line, whichever comes first. A little sleep, a little slumber and before you know it not reading the daily dose of Proverbs will allow an errant copy of Ladies Home Journal to bring him to the very brink of ruin.

Fundies reverence the tales of those who read the bible through multiple times a year. They praise the stories of missionaries and pastors who would rise at 4:00 a.m. (somehow what time they went to bed never gets mentioned) and pray for hours until callouses form on the supplicant’s knees. But strangely, none dare call it asceticism.

The doorbell jingles as two men in dark suits briskly enter the small restaurant. Wasting no time, they head right for the counter. Mr. Campello, the proprietor, tries to ignore the icicles forming in his gut and greets them with a forced smile.

“Tony, Jimmy, what can I do for you today?”

“We’re just out visiting some of our folks in the neighborhood,” says Jimmy easily. “Just seeing how folks are doing.”

“We’re fine here, fellas. Everybody is getting by.”

“That’s good to know” answers Jimmy. “Because accidents can happen so easily in places like this. You know what I mean?”

“What?”

“You know how this works,” says Tony. “You just make a ‘donation’ of ten percent and it saves a lot of unpleasantness. If you don’t contribute then the Boss sees to it that things break and your people run into trouble. It will cost you a whole lot more than a measly ten.”

“I already give what I can. Business hasn’t been great….”

“It’s either ten percent up front or you’ll find that things are going to get ugly in mysterious ways. We’ll be seeing you soon.”

The doorbell jingles again as the two make their way outside.

“Who were those guys?” asks a customer  seated at the lunch counter. “Mafioso types?”

“Worse,” groans Mr. Campello holding his face in his hands “deacons from my church. The mob hasn’t got anything on the protection racket that the Baptists have going. God is their Enforcer.”

Another Schaap special sure to satisfy…

This weeks FOTW is a twofer. For one low, low price you get Momof9splace.com and as an added bonus you get myculottes.com as well.

Don’t miss the 10 part series on child training, Biblical guidelines about clothing and a Four Page Study on Courtship vs. Dating.

And be sure to check out the culottes. Lots and lots of culottes.

(click to embiggen)

Because everyone should be tithing their mint and anise. (Or minutes and anni as the case may be.)