An Anonymous Guest Post
I want to start out by saying that I am just so, so blessed to have this opportunity to talk to you ladies of “Stuff Fundies Like” for your first-ever Christian Ladyhood conference. My name is Mrs. Pastor Managaud, and my dear husband is the pastor of Victory Faith Bible KJV1611 Baptist Church and the administrator of Victory Faith Bible KJV1611 University and Pastoral Seminary Academy. We have been just so, so blessed by God, and to be asked to speak here is just such an honor and a blessing.
I’d like to start out by saying that I understand each of us is on a journey. Our walk with God is just so unique, and we each have our own paths. Still, God’s truths are universal, and we can each apply them to our own lives in order to become more like Him, amen, ladies?
I take as my text Proverbs 31, which is, of course, the rulebook given to us by God Himself to explain how all ladies should behave. Ladies, we will be reading verses 10 through 12 in the 1611 King James Bible. “Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.”
Wow, ladies. Just wow. Isn’t that so precious? Can you imagine? God is telling us that we are more precious than rubies if we can just be virtuous. But what does God have to say about women who maybe aren’t so virtuous? I think it’s important that we look at that, don’t you?
Proverbs 9:13 tells us that big-mouthed, loud, or quarrelsome women are ignorant and that they know nothing. They are a folly! Harsh words, aren’t they? That’s not all. In Proverbs 23:26-28 he tells us that promiscuous women are evil and that annoying wives are a deep well. A deep well – that means that her husband will be dying of thirst because he cannot reach the cool, refreshing waters of her love and respect! Ladies, what harsh words, and those aren’t from me! Those are from God!
Proverbs 25:24 tells us that it’s better for a man to be homeless, to live in a filthy gutter, than to have an unpleasant wife. Proverbs 11:22 tells us that beautiful women are no better than disgusting pigs. Vanity, ladies, vanity. Are you vain? Then you are no better than a pig! God tells us that! And in Proverbs 5:4-6 God tells us that our feet can even lead our husbands down to death.
Oh, ladies, we have so much responsibility to our husbands! They are our leaders, but if we try to usurp their authority, we can destroy them! And that’s not me telling you that — it’s God. Ladies, get deep in His Word and find out what He has to say about your behavior, your attitudes and especially your dress.
Now, I don’t want to get in too deeply into the other aspects of our ladies’ conference, so I’m going to leave you with an assignment. Yes, ladies, you didn’t think you were going to get off easily, did you? We’re going to have an exercise so that we can put some of these lessons into practice. We’re going to talk about how we can be a glory and an honor to our godly, heaven-sent husbands instead of being a disgusting pig snout leading our husbands to their deaths.
1. Ask your husband how you can help him. So often we get absorbed in our daily activities and our own responsibilities that we forget our primary title is “helpmeet.” So this week, you’re going to ask your husband how you can help him.
2. Be more organized and responsible in your own life. Ladies, too often we get caught up in gossiping with the girlfriends that we leave the dishes in the sink, the kids in dirty clothes and the carpet unvacuumed. This is not ok! These tasks then get shuffled to the end of the day, a time that you should be dedicating solely to your dear husband, and then he has to wait in line behind the house, behind your children and behind your mess for your attention. This does not honor God!
3. Always put him first. He should never be waiting behind your kids or your other responsibilities. That means his work is more important, too. His goals, his hobbies and even his free time should always be your priority.
4. Obey. Oh, ladies, this is a tough one. Especially since we live in such a fallen world! But we must obey our husbands even as the church obeys God. As we spend the week setting aside our own goals, desires and dreams and focus on our husband’s, obedience will get a little easier every day.
God bless you, dear sweet ladies of “Stuff Fundies Like”! I can’t wait until our next conference meeting!
Go out into the world and do the impossible — it is your sacred duty.
Go win the lost world whose culture you don’t even begin to understand with antiquated materials and sales pitches that have been gathering mold for decades.
Go tithe and give since God had opened the windows of heaven on you and blessed you with $11,000 a year in income from your ministry job.
Go hold to standards that are both illogical and onerous and convince your friends, your neighbors, and your children that they are the only possible way to live.
Go live a life of perfect adherence to rules that constantly flex and change to suit the needs of fallible leaders — who will always claim that they have just been following their unchanging and infallible Book the entire time.
And when you falter, when your faith is weak, when you throw up your hands in despair and say “this is impossible!” then they will smile sweetly and tell you that you serve a god of the impossible. If you aren’t managing to eke out daily miracles to help resolve the paradoxes of fundamentalism then that must be YOUR problem. No doubt there’s something about it in the book of Genesis.
Dream and dream and dream the impossible. The altar awaits the penitent who just can’t seem to make it work.
I guess this church knows its audience. People who like:
1. The King James Version
2. Buildings with dirty siding
3. Words put on top of other words making both sets of words almost unreadable.
They say that our sense of smell is most closely connected to our memory and I’m inclined to believe it when I find myself transported on the wings of some transient olfactory flight of fancy and I remember…
Hairspray, cold cereal, and the sweet disinfectant of thrift store suit jackets: getting ready for church before the sun comes up.
Ancient carpet, Pledge furniture, ink and paper of worn hymnal pages, and just a hit of the sour scent of guilt: any one of the church buildings from which I’ve come and long since gone.
Sawdust, pine boards, and summer evening sweat: the “Tabernacle” where camp meetings where held in in a wooded lot when I was a child.
The chemical tang of Elmer’s glue, laminated cardboard of stories and songs, and Kool-Aid served without irony: VBS.
The smell of weariness and expectation, the “foreign” and “exotic” smell of salsa in a casserole in the fellowship hall, the dust and oil of much-handled artifacts from the display tables: missions conference.
What of fundamentalism does your nose recall?