And concerning the celebrations of the times and occasions wherein we cover our crosses in flags and drape bunting on the communion table we give these commands that thou forget not the Christian nation that thou hast been given to dwell in.
For in that day thou shalt rest from the labor of decrying the wickedness of thy land and shall instead sing its praises and render it all due benevolence speaking the words long written: “I still wouldn’t want to be livin’ anywhere else because them other folks don’t even speak English!”
Then shalt thou honor the founders of the nation and call them good Christian men and shall speak not a word of their beer drinking and whoring and slave owning. For they brought forth on this continent a new nation wherein the sodas are large and the people are larger and for this and all their many other blessings we give them reverence.
And thou shalt sing the songs of war and the songs of national pride and the songs of remembrance of times past. Then thou shalt preach a sermon sparing not to give honor to whom honor is due. For there are three who bear witness to Washington the Tea Party, the Capitol Connection and David Barton. And these three are our one last best hope.
For we all know that if Jesus had been born today he would have been born in Bethlehem, PA, in the country with the language and culture that God loves most.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements p 74.
For we know that in old time (6000ish B.C.) the Lord didst command the Sabbath day to be Sunday upon which no work should be done except by the staff down at the Golden Corral and sports announcers on TV. And upon that best of days it was ordained that there should be held two church services — just in case somebody needed to get to an altar but alas the conviction didn’t really start to set in until mid afternoon. And thus there were only two church services for many years.
But now in these last of days when the heart of man waxeth old like a garment and the whole earth groaneth and travailaeth and decayeth and corrupteth, we give also this new commandment: that thou shalt leave thy unimportant secular job in a hurry and tell the kids to ignore their homework and go to a midweek service such as is meet for thee. For in the day that thou shalt not attend that third service thou shalt in no wise thrive: nor thy wife, nor thy children, nor thine ass. For the hours in a week number one hundred and sixty and eight and if thou shalt not return to the Lord a tithe of seventeen hours (for verily, the Lord doth always round up) then he shall execute great vengeance upon thee with furious rebukes. And also your house might burn down.
And the order of the midweek service shall be on thus wise: a song, a round of self-congratulation for coming out on such a busy weeknight, another song, a whole passel of prayer requests for various weak livers and worldly livers, a prayer, another song, and a sermon. These shalt thou do at a bare minimum but thou mayest also take an offering if it doth delight thy soul (and we know that it doth).
Then thou shalt pronounce a blessing upon the people contingent on seeing them back again next week. For we all know that people come to church on Sunday morning if they love the church, and Sunday night if they love the pastor but verily they do come to mid-week service to show that they love Jesus. Amen.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements p 168.
And when it shall come to pass that thy church shall be blessed with a photocopy machine such as is meet to replace the old mimeograph that is held together with duct tape then shall thy heart greatly rejoice and be glad. For in that day thou shalt not cease to make as many copies as is pleasing to thee of whatever happens to be lying around. Spare not to copy sheet music and Sunday school materials and Christian school curriculum and whatsoever thy hand findest to do. For thou art a ministry and this is not thievery but merely good stewardship.
Of thy software also feel free to make many copies, one for every computer in thy office and in thy home and in thy missionary’s travel trailer parked out back of the church lo these six weeks. For in the day that thou shalt actually pay money to Microsoft for its office then verily thou might start paying for everything else. For thus saith the scriptures: “Be fruitful and multiply” and we’re sure that applies somehow or other if you think about it long enough.
But of the enforcement of copyright we do have this sure word: it is really useful for taking down websites that share two minutes and thirty seconds of publicly available video of what your pastor was up to in chapel this week. So shalt thou smite thy enemies on the hip and thigh and show them that you are a force to be reckoned with.
When it shall come to pass that there shall be born into thy household a girl child then thou shall with all diligence teach her the commandments which I give unto thee this day that she be not a blot upon thee or thy church or the university in thy basement.
For women are a deep ditch and a narrow pit, tempting men perpetually to eat of the forbidden fruit. For so fell Eden and likewise fell Brother Tim’s Sunday School class when that little hussy had her way with him. Be always therefore watching and praying. And depending on which woman you’re watching you may need to pray even the more. Amen.
And upon thy wives and upon thy daughters and upon thy daughter’s daughters thou shalt with all diligence exercise “headship” (which we are pretty sure involves never doing the dishes). For in the day that they shall cause some young preacher boy to stumble and ruin his ministry then shall the congregation look at the women of thy house with derision and recall that one time when you let them wear pants to play in the snow and thy shame shall be great.
But if thou thyself should fall into the trap of a woman’s wiles be not downcast no greatly discouraged. It’s her fault and everybody knows it. For women were created in the beginning for the purpose that they should be a stumbling block to men (and sometimes also useful for housework.)
But concerning men we have no real commandment. Men are awesome except that they’re suckers for women.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements p 69.
And when it shall come to pass that the Lord shall bless the and thy household and thy ministry with a horseless carriage (such as was prophesied by John the Revelator if you know how to look) then shalt thou observe to follow all the commandments which I give thee this day. So shalt thou cruise about the land in the invention of that great American Henry Ford and so shalt thy flat tires, and engine failures, and traffic tickets be no more than the usual amount.
And thou shalt in no wise place a man and a woman who are not married nor related more distantly than first cousin alone in a car together. For in the beginning God made them male and female and then gave them strict instructions that they should not be allowed alone in a car together unless they are married, chaperoned, or one of them is the pastor and he’s taking her across state lines to do some “counseling.” For thus it is written: “Lust cometh not from the heart but verily it ascendeth up from car floor mats and doth make even the most reasonable person into a lascivious chump. This goes double for pastors.”
To this end also, thy car’s wireless radio shall be tuned only to such music as is meet for the provision of thy soul, namely the station that plays only songs, hymns, spiritual songs, and sometimes a little Southern Gospel which isn’t too bad as long as the drums aren’t too prominent in it. But if there shall be no old-time fundamentalist radio station in your town thou mayest on occasion listen to NPR but only Performance Today and such like shows with classical music. But of the news programs and talk segments thou mayest not listen lest the liberalism of Terry Gross and her ilk counfound thy soul.
On the rear of thy chariot thou shalt affix all manner of bumper stickers and magnetic signs to tell the world that thou art a Republican, and a handgun owner, and likely to leave the car unmanned in case of Rapture. Verily shalt they know that you are a Christian when you cut them off in traffic. But of the speed and recklessness of thy driving that is a matter of individual soul liberty. Only do not try handing the deputy sheriff a gospel tract with your license and registration when he stops you for speeding because after the way thy church sued the department after those men got arrested for street preaching you won’t be doing yourself any favors.
And as to which exact car you should buy, we have no commandment save that thou consult with thy pastor who is a wise man and full of advice and shall give you good counsel that you buy only large vans to hold all the children thou shalt have once you get right with God and stop using birth control. But of the sports car, and of the luxury sedan, and of the fun little coupe you know those would make a swell present for the pastor on his birthday.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 255