And when it shall come to pass that thy church shall be blessed with a photocopy machine such as is meet to replace the old mimeograph that is held together with duct tape then shall thy heart greatly rejoice and be glad. For in that day thou shalt not cease to make as many copies [...]

When it shall come to pass that there shall be born into thy household a girl child then thou shall with all diligence teach her the commandments which I give unto thee this day that she be not a blot upon thee or thy church or the university in thy basement. For women are a [...]

And when it shall come to pass that the Lord shall bless the and thy household and thy ministry with a horseless carriage (such as was prophesied by John the Revelator if you know how to look) then shalt thou observe to follow all the commandments which I give thee this day. So shalt thou [...]

And when it shall come up on thee that thou shalt spirit the children of thy congregation away to a separate place so that the sound of their crying shall in no way quench the spirit during the songs or the sermon or the invitation that thou shalt verily rehearse children’s songs in their ears [...]

And upon the times that shalt gather thineself and thine children and thine manservant and thine maidservants and thine Pentecostal neighbors who don’t really know Jesus together into the church (never less than three times per week if thou wouldst thrive) then shalt thou sing the songs of Zion suchlike as Zion has never really [...]