Outreach

Airplane Evangelism Stories

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airplaneFor most of people, airplanes are uncomfortable transportation devices intended to get them quickly from point A to point B — hopefully with same number of bags, children, and pets they started out with. For fundamentalist preachers and evangelists, however, airplanes are the perfect location to gather unto themselves stories of in-flight evangelism.

Somehow, even on international flights the speaker always ends up next to an interesting character who speaks English, is not sleeping, and is willing to talk at length about religion to a perfect stranger. To anyone who has ever flown this is nothing short of miraculous. By the end of the flight the evangelist has inevitably shocked and awed the listener with his speaking prowess and the have decided to question the very roots of their belief in atheism/Buddhism/Home Shopping Network or whatever their creed may happen to be.

With the amazing rate of success on these flights, it would seem that a full-time missionary movement that does nothing but spread the gospel on aircraft should have emerged by this time. There could even be special classes added to Bible college curriculum to teach such missions. For example, someone may want to point out that in these turbulent times it may be imprudent to make your pre-flight introductions by saying “If you were to die today…”

Church Services, Family, Music, Outreach

Traveling Musical Families

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singingfamilyIn fundy churches, the most common type of traveling musical family is the missionary family. The traveling family musical act is a mainstay of the fundamentalist missionary endeavor. If a missionary is to be a success on deputation and furlough he or his family must sing, play an instrument, and be able to quote John 3:16 in a foreign language. As a reward for doing these things (and not necessarily for doing them well) the missionary is then allowed to sell tapes and CDs of his family’s musical feats on the back table after the service.

There is another type of musical family that is modeled more along the lines of the von Trapp family. These are families with large numbers of children who consider traveling and performing to be their mission. It’s not easy get this act going for the simple reason that it requires having a large family. Two musical kids are hardly worth driving to see unless they’re really exceptional but by the time you’re up to seven musical children it’s a phenomenon, and twelve children barely have to have any musical talent at all to attract a crowd.

There are other costs to be considered too. Matching outfits for all those kids don’t come cheap. Not to mention the cost of transporting them from place to place. Thankfully, people are usually generous with their love offerings to musical acts.

In fact, missionaries are often thrilled to find out that a “big name” in the family musician trade is going to be present that week for the simple fact that they help boost the offerings. Man shall not live by flute solos alone.

Be sure to stop by the display table in the back.

(thanks to Don for bringing back many memories for this post.)

Sermons

“Second Sermons”

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preacherSomewhere in a fundamentalist church a guest speaker is wrapping up his thunderous sermon. He swigs a last sip of water from the cup on the pulpit and invites the pastor back to the so he can “draw the net” with the invitation.

The pastor thanks the speaker grandly for his wonderful message and then says the fateful words “I just want to talk for a minute and add a few things to what our brother said.” An audible groan goes through the congregation because they know full well that at this point begins the phenomenon of the second sermon which could last any length of time regardless of how long the first sermon was. Fundamentalists preachers are not slaves to any man’s clock.

A variation on the second sermon may also come in the form of the closing prayer. Some pastors who have missed the chance to preach themselves in a service have been known to insert a full three points into the closing prayer complete with alliteration. Hopefully nobody was hoping to see the kickoff of a football game or beat the rush to the local buffet for lunch.

(many thanks to stan for the suggestion)

Church Services

Anonymous Decisions

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raisedhands
“Please bow your heads and close your eyes.”

For all of their bluster, fundamentalists are a private bunch when it comes to something as dearly personal as raising ones hand to give a non-specific response at the end of a sermon on a generic topic. There have to be some boundaries of personal space after all.

The anonymous hand-raising also gives the speaker the chance to speak “evangelistically” about the number of respondents. Not that most pastors would out and out lie but they might just claim to “see hands all over his room” when in fact exactly three people out two hundred have raised their hand and one of them is only eighteen months old.

Stand up, stand up for Jesus! Unless you’re making a decision at the end of the service. Then the protocol is “every head bowed, every eye closed, nobody looking around.”

A silly blog dedicated to Independent Fundamental Baptists, their standards, their beliefs, and their craziness.