It’s fun to compare the virtues fundies think should be taught to women as opposed to those taught to men…
Pictures courtesy of Don’s big envelope of stuff from last years SOTL conference
Shirt spotted at a fundy camp meeting and passed along by an alert reader…
Today’s challenge is to write a personal ad for looking for a spouse in fundyland. You can either describe yourself as you were back in the day, the perfect mate you thought you wanted, or the traits of someone you actually knew.
“SWM seeks dress-wearing pianist for ministry possibilities. Must possess own piano …”
(I would like to apologize in advance for the sidebar ads this is likely to generate)
And when it shall come to pass that thy loins shall have born fruit and that the size of thy household shall greatly increase that then shalt thou heed the words of the commandments concerning how thy children shall behave when there’s anybody watching. And of the church and the restaurant and of the grocery store thou shalt strike into thy child a great fear and overwhelming dread for in these places thy children’s behavior shall be as thy own testimony as a parent and everyone is watching.
Beware, for in that day when it shall come to pass that they child shall be loud or whine or be in any way stubborn in resisting thy commands then shall the entire world know that thou are a BAD PARENT and thy shame shall be upon thee. For nobody in the real world has ever had one of their own children act up or misbehave or talk back and they shall in anywise believe that thou art not a true Christian and thy testimony of the tract thou shalt hand them shall be ruined and their eternal soul shall be forever lost. And what’s worse, if thou art a missionary family you might lose support.
And so shalt thou do, that thou shalt take unto thyself a rod or a board, or a wooden spoon and thou shalt keep it in thy car so that thou mayest invite thy child to “go have a talk in the car” with thee if she shall misbehave.But thou shalt in anywise keep the secret of thy discipline from the public for when Child Protective Services gets involved, things becometh yea verily a mess. So shalt thy hide the implements of destruction from plain sight and only thou and thy children shall know what pain lieth in wait for them if they screw up.
And if someone shall enquire as to the secret of how thy eight children doth sit quietly without speaking at thy local Denny’s then shalt thou simply smile and say “We try to raise our children to glorify God” and forgo to mention exactly how that works. For of the making of sausages and of always perfectly behaved children people may like the result but they never really want to know the process of how they are made.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 95
Sometime between birth and Bible college, almost every fundamentalist youngster is dragged up before the church congregation and prayed over before they are eaten. Seriously though, the actual practice is that they are prayed over to “dedicate them to the Lord” and as a sign to the congregation that the community of the church has a responsibility to pray for this child to watch for their soul. It’s also a sign that the parents are going to maintain their sacred fundy trust by muting all the TV commercials during the evening news lest the child hear the rock music played therein and desire in his infant heart to dance which is the first step on the road to degradation.
There are a couple of different ways in which the dedication goes down. In larger churches there is often a designated Sunday or two per year where the kids are dressed up and paraded in front of the church to a chorus of “ooohs” and “aaaah” from the crowd. This is affectionately known as the “Baby Parade” and is used as a draw to get Catholic grandmas and reprobate uncles to darken the door of the fundy church in order to watch this totally symbolic action.
In smaller churches, however, baby dedications may be performed as needed on the first possible Sunday after the child is born. Unless, of course, the church has its own midwife station set up behind the church bookstore just for those people who never miss church for any reason. “It’s a boy! Quick, run him on down to the altar!” The father then crosses the goal line, high-fives the pastor, and spikes the baby in the end zone.
It’s worth noting that many paedo-baptist folks will readily recognize that this whole dedication business is in reality a “dry baptism.” There’s even a certificate. Shhhhh. Don’t tell the Baptists.