Home Missions to “Unreached” Places

missionfieldFrom the outside it may appear that the main cause of new Independent Baptist churches being planted in the United Stats is church splits — amicable or otherwise. While this is a cause of new churches being started, the other main means of propagating fundamentalism in America is through home missions.

Raising support for home missions is no small task. It’s difficult enough to raise money to reach some exotic people group in the Amazon Basin, but what about auto workers in Detroit or retirees in central California? It’s just not too exciting.

To combat that natural lack of excitement, fundamentalist home missionaries have hit upon a tactic which overcomes the natural reluctance of people to give money to a pastor who is planting churches within their own borders. The magic phrase is “a city of [insert number here] with no Bible-believing, gospel preaching church.”

It does not matter that there may be 4,976 Baptist churches in that town and another 9,324 Methodist, Presbyterian, Nondenominational, and Evangelical churches that still preach an orthodox gospel. No, sir. If there is not an Independent Baptist church that has graduates from our school, who use our version of the Bible and our edition of the hymn book then THERE IS NO BIBLE-BELIEVING CHURCH! Amen?

It’s not a bad gig being a fully supported missionary to someplace like Orlando Florida. It’s certainly not bad work if you can get it.

Valentines Banquets With Invitations

valentinesIt’s Valentines and love is in the air. That means it’s time for the annual Valentines banquet at the Last Bible Believers Until the Rapture Baptist Church.

The large folding tables are decorated with red crepe paper and little candles which promise an instant conflagration if anyone gets carried away with their chicken dinner. Over in the corner a CD player croons out “I Come To the Garden Alone” and other romantic hymns.

Also in the corner is the small table where the three single ladies who teach at the Christian school sit each year. Because, bless their hearts, everyone knows they’re not ever going to find someone and it would just be cruel to leave them sitting at home.

Now, the highlight of the evening begins. Off goes the music and up stands the traveling evangelist who has been scheduled to bring this evening’s message. His text in Ezekiel is quickly read and he begins to preach on every evangelist’s favorite topic “Sin: Why I Am Against It.”

At last, the sermon comes to an end and the electric organ lets out the plaintive bleating strains of “Sinner Come Home.” It’s time for the invitation to begin. Time for everyone to leave their sweetheart behind and get that sin right. Don’t you feel the Spirit moving to make a commitment to tithe? Come on down.

The invitation concludes, the leftovers are packed up to go home with the three singles in the corner, and each couple returns to their own house to ponder the lessons learned at this momentous Valentines and wonder if next year a nice restaurant and some quiet time alone might not be a nice change.

Church Basement Bible Colleges

diploma2Have you ever run into a pastor who’s Doctor of Divinity diploma on the wall bears the name of “Baptist Bible Temple School of Fundamentalist Theology and Textus Receptus Studies”? Have you wondered where and why such a school might have started? You’re not alone.

The idea that fundamentalists are “anti-intellectual” is a myth. Fundies are very concerned with education provided that it is the right education. Therefore which college a person picks is a matter of paramount importance to their life and career in fundamentalist circles.

Why travel all the way to foreign locations like Greenville, South Carolina when you can stay right at home and learn all the theology you need from your very own pastor who is himself a graduate of a very fine college in a very large basement. There’s no need to be troubled with lots of reading and differing opinions about things like eschatology. There’s only one opinion that’s the right one and that’s all you need to know.

The basement Bible college also has an important second use: it can grant diplomas to all its own church staff and other people who are the pastor’s friends. An honorary doctorate in soul-winning costs so little but it’s a great return on investment in terms of prestige.

Hair-Raising Sermon Illustrations

carcrashNo fundamentalist sermon would be complete without illustrations. In fact, by sheer volume, illustrations appear to be the most important part of the message. The ability to tell compelling stories is what separates mere speakers from the masters of the preaching craft. When this really becomes important is when the topic turns to teenage rebellion. These are the cream of the illustration crop.

The most important thing about the “rebellious teen” illustration is that it must end badly. It must end so badly that no teen in their right mind will ever, ever, ever go out and do whatever it was that the kids in the story did. Nothing is off limits here. Decapitation, electrocution, cannibalism, accidentally killing ones whole family, small children being eaten by animals…the more gore the better to drive the point home and scare the teens straight.

It’s a miracle that any non-fundamentalist teen makes it to adulthood. It’s a regular bloodbath out there. Ignore the warnings at your own peril.

A silly blog dedicated to Independent Fundamental Baptists, their standards, their beliefs, and their craziness.