Tag Archives: valentines


Coming soon to your church bookstore, a series of fundy Valentine’s Day cards to suit all needs…

Cover: Roses are red, violets are blue
Inside: I’ll get socialed if I hug you

Cover: I’ll pick you up at 8…
Inside: a.m. For soulwinning.

Cover: You make me shake, you make me shiver…
Inside: You set my culottes all aquiver

Cover: I love you.
Inside: And as soon as my father talks to your father and our pastor agrees, our courtship can begin.

Cover: You’re beautiful.
Inside: And I’d appreciate it if you’d stop that before I stumble.

Cover: Our eyes met across a crowded room…
Inside: …and I knew you’d pass my 104 item dating pre-screening checklist with flying colors.

Cover: Let’s spice this evening up
Inside: And BOTH hold the hymnbook at church

Cover: I love being in love with a pastor.
Inside: I wish my husband were one.

Feel free to add your own…

Valentines Banquets With Invitations

valentinesIt’s Valentines and love is in the air. That means it’s time for the annual Valentines banquet at the Last Bible Believers Until the Rapture Baptist Church.

The large folding tables are decorated with red crepe paper and little candles which promise an instant conflagration if anyone gets carried away with their chicken dinner. Over in the corner a CD player croons out “I Come To the Garden Alone” and other romantic hymns.

Also in the corner is the small table where the three single ladies who teach at the Christian school sit each year. Because, bless their hearts, everyone knows they’re not ever going to find someone and it would just be cruel to leave them sitting at home.

Now, the highlight of the evening begins. Off goes the music and up stands the traveling evangelist who has been scheduled to bring this evening’s message. His text in Ezekiel is quickly read and he begins to preach on every evangelist’s favorite topic “Sin: Why I Am Against It.”

At last, the sermon comes to an end and the electric organ lets out the plaintive bleating strains of “Sinner Come Home.” It’s time for the invitation to begin. Time for everyone to leave their sweetheart behind and get that sin right. Don’t you feel the Spirit moving to make a commitment to tithe? Come on down.

The invitation concludes, the leftovers are packed up to go home with the three singles in the corner, and each couple returns to their own house to ponder the lessons learned at this momentous Valentines and wonder if next year a nice restaurant and some quiet time alone might not be a nice change.