I’m a bit confused: is this a college that God operates or is this where God went to college? Also, how big is God’s basement?
Today’s tweet comes from the pastor of the Calvary Road Baptist Church in New Albany, Indiana.
Really? That is one of your biggest fears? It must be nice to have so few worries. Then again, this is the church with the tagline “If you love the King James Bible you will love this church” painted on their sanctuary wall. Make of that what you may.
These sheets were handed out to an SFL reader while she was taking the course MI308: Ministry Mates, as course which is “designed to teach the young lady how to be an effective mate to a husband who is in full time ministry.”
The challenge today is simple: guess what year these handouts were given. The winner gets bragging rights and an honorary doctorate of Guessology.
Answer: By some strange coincidence the first answer was also the correct answer. This particular copy was handed out around 2003. However, it looks like some people report having seen it even more recently than that. Thanks for playing, everyone!
Shared by the pastor of this church.
For when it shall come to pass that thou shalt have spread thy seed and grown a church and hast watered it and fertilized it with such manure as is meet then shalt thou consider the words of this commandment to begin the work of a Bible College. For if thou desirest to be a real somebody and a household name wherever such of thy ilk are spoken of then thou must possess an institution of learning wherewith to train young minds and subvert old ones. Also it doth mean you’ll always have lots of young women around which is never a bad thing.
And the naming of thy college shall be a simple task for thou shalt simply name it for thyself. And when thy son and thy son’s son shall inherit all thy kingdom then shall everybody know that they too are in charge since their name is on everything. So shall thine heritage never depart from the earth as it is written “how majestic is your name.” And so it is.
And when thou has chosen the perfect spot for thy college in the church basement and hath stocked its classrooms with end-time charts and books that thou hast written and published thineself then shalt thou make the biggest decision of all: The Issue. For The Issue shall be thine meal ticket which shall give thee a way to declare that all the other fundamentalist colleges everywhere in the world (except those run by thy cronies) are godless, heathen, wicked, and apostate. But thou shalt need to decide quickly because most of the good ones are already taken.
And if thou shalt heed the words which are in this book and shalt never cease to use the rightful tools of guilt and fear and the worship of men then shalt thy days be prosperous and thy school shall have good success. And as thy students graduate after a couple years of courses and go out to start churches of their own then shall thy fame go out throughout the land. And then you will have your reward.
But be warned. One of those young men may himself want to start a bible college…
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 49-50