Category Archives: Fellowship

Men’s Pancake Breakfasts

From The Desk of Dr. James E. Hamenstonadt, Senior Pastor

Re: Notes On This Week’s Men’s Prayer and Pancake Breakfast

Gentlemen And Fellow Soldiers Of The Cross:

I would first like to take this opportunity to thank all those who participated in the Men’s Pancake breakfast this past Saturday morning as well as thanking the members of the Goodwell Fire Department for their quick response time at such an early hour. Thankfully, the fellowship hall structure appears only as damaged as it was before the incident and the smoke damage is contained to mostly to the men’s restroom and adjoining tract storage closet.

As you know, the Pancake Breakfast is intended as a time set aside for the men of our church to come together, share a meal which they have cooked themselves, tell stories about guns, and give long prayer requests about those not present. If you’re a man in our church and you can’t get excited about getting up at 5:00 a.m. to come pray with us then you’re missing out on a real blessing — not to mention running the risk of being used as an illustration in my upcoming sermon “The Pancake and the Sluggard (once I find a text to go with the title, that is).”

Our thanks go out to Harvey and his boys James and Zedekiah who showed up at 4:30 AM to set up tables and chairs. It’s great to know that we can count on our Christian school teachers to volunteer for these kinds of things without expecting to be paid for it. Our thanks also to all those who provided the electric grills and the dozen boxes of Bisquick which were a teeny bit past their expiration but (as far as we know) didn’t make anybody ill. They certainly did make some hearty pancakes of a thickness that I’ve never seen before and with a taste that defies mere words.

My thanks to Bill Scandish who, after not finding a space in the fellowship hall kitchen to make his pancake portion, overloaded the outlet under the men’s room sink. The Lord has graciously seen fit to us this opportunity to reveal to us via the Fire Marshall that the wiring in the building has evidently not been up to code since 1976. I would like to note that we’ll be taking special offerings for the next few months towards renovations on the fellowship hall and occupational therapy for Bill who is reportedly counting it all joy that he has been chosen to suffer third-degree burns for Christ.

I would like close this note by announcing that in July the scheduled Men’s Pancake Breakfast will be held at iHOP. Come prepared to pray loudly.

Labouring In The Fields Of White Harvest,

Pastor Hamenstonadt

Valentines Banquets With Invitations

valentinesIt’s Valentines and love is in the air. That means it’s time for the annual Valentines banquet at the Last Bible Believers Until the Rapture Baptist Church.

The large folding tables are decorated with red crepe paper and little candles which promise an instant conflagration if anyone gets carried away with their chicken dinner. Over in the corner a CD player croons out “I Come To the Garden Alone” and other romantic hymns.

Also in the corner is the small table where the three single ladies who teach at the Christian school sit each year. Because, bless their hearts, everyone knows they’re not ever going to find someone and it would just be cruel to leave them sitting at home.

Now, the highlight of the evening begins. Off goes the music and up stands the traveling evangelist who has been scheduled to bring this evening’s message. His text in Ezekiel is quickly read and he begins to preach on every evangelist’s favorite topic “Sin: Why I Am Against It.”

At last, the sermon comes to an end and the electric organ lets out the plaintive bleating strains of “Sinner Come Home.” It’s time for the invitation to begin. Time for everyone to leave their sweetheart behind and get that sin right. Don’t you feel the Spirit moving to make a commitment to tithe? Come on down.

The invitation concludes, the leftovers are packed up to go home with the three singles in the corner, and each couple returns to their own house to ponder the lessons learned at this momentous Valentines and wonder if next year a nice restaurant and some quiet time alone might not be a nice change.

Covered Dish Suppers

potluckAfter a rousing sermon on the evils of drunkenness and vice, nothing is more satisfying than gorging at an old-fashioned fundamentalist covered dish supper. (Covered dish suppers are not to be confused with the liberal “pot luck dinner” since luck has no place the fundamentalist vocabulary.)

A drop of alcohol that sneaks across ones lips (unless concealed in mouthwash and immediately spewed back out) may cause irreparable damage to one’s testimony and spiritual life but thank goodness there’s no rule against devouring four pieces of fried chicken, two helpings of mashed potatoes, three spoonfuls of that green marshmallow stuff, half a tray of deviled eggs, and a piece of pecan pie.

The fundy soul shall be made fat.