What’s Wrong With This Picture?

Can you spot the oddity in this picture of an otherwise typical IFB auditorium?

Answer: Those of you who guessed the candles had it right. Here’s a quick overview of the liturgical use of candles. In short, if you’re using more than two around your altar then you’re headed straight for Catholicism.

It’s easier to spot the problem on the outside of their building: namely that there are two very large people stuck in it.

The Ballad of Pastor Jed

Today’s guest post comes from SFL’s very own Uncle Wilver.

Come and listen to a story ’bout a preacher named Jed.
Poor rural parson barely kept his family fed.
Then one day he went to Pastor’s School,
And when he returned, he was a Fundy tool.
(Gimmicks, that is. Proof texts. Lotsa rules.)

Well the next thing you know, the Mega Church looks great,
Buses everywhere throughout the Tri-State,
New Basement Bible College and Academy,
With just one man to rule so there is no anarchy.
(Dictatorship that is. Pastoral Authority. IFB heroes.)

Well, now its time to say goodbye to Jed and all his ilk.
Now that he is doing time his wife’s no more in silk.
You’re all invited to stop in on Thursday about noon
To commiserate with the former Fundy church tycoon.
(The Elm Street Embezzler. That’s what they call him now.
Property auction in two weeks. Ya’ll come bid now, ya hear!)

Commandments Concerning Technology

When the bounds of thy habitation shall widen and the size of thy television shall likewise become ginormous then shalt thou listen to words of these commands that thy use of technology be not very naughty in our sight.

And the adoption of a new technology shall be on thuswise: firstly thou shalt fear it above all things and shall shew unto the faces of the congregation how that this new tech shall be used for laziness, and for lust, and for the rise of the one-world government. And thou shalt verily condemn those early adopters as the spawn of Satan and the purveyors the prurient. So shall thy wisdom be established and all the congregation shall fear mightily in that day.

Then when a day, and a week, and a year and time and half a time shall pass thou shalt verily make allowance that this new thing might be useful for missions. And then shalt thou make haste to use it for thy bus ministry, and thy youth group, and thy missionaries and thou shalt verily find the son a church member of suchlike as will work for no pay and shall verily press him to service to make it all work for this newfangled technology is complicated and the Lord loveth free labor.

And when this technology shall be embraced by thou and all thy house and thy deacons and thy deaconesses (Note: apparently not actually a thing Ed.) and such shifty persons as hang around the back of the church playing with the sound equipment then shalt thou forget in that day that these things were once ill spoken of and shall flush it all down the memory hole. So shalt thou put the Old Paths onto the Information Superhighway and so shalt thou profit.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, 640(k)

posted from my iPhone 7

A silly blog dedicated to Independent Fundamental Baptists, their standards, their beliefs, and their craziness.