As you watch the first couple minutes of this, imagine that you’re being taught how to sell life insurance or Amway to the person instead of Jesus. Remove the “Holy Spirit” verbiage and it’s scary how closely it fits.
All posts by Darrell
FWOTW: dividedbytruth.org
For all those who have asked whether fundies think kilts on men are as sinful as pants on women, this week’s site for you! Evidently those Scots are just a bunch of pansies.
Also included is the truth about beer, warnings about the New World Order, and another fine example of overactive apostrophe use.
Be warned that clicking on the wrong links on this site could take you to gory abortion and drunk driving accident pictures. If you’re of a sensitive constitution use your own good judgment.
Favorite Hymn Night
In many fundamentalist churches there is a phenomenon known as “Favorites Night” which is code for “the pastor is taking the night off.” The bulk of these services consist of church members chortling in sadistic glee as they search the hymnbook for obscure songs in hopes of making the pianist lose her sanctification.
In aid of this noble goal of torturing the accompanist, the well-versed fundamentalists can consult the handy Index of Songs By Meter found in the back of the hymnal and select something like “What Hath the Lord Done for Thee?” in 7/12 meter. Pianists love it when people do that. They laugh and laugh.
Favorites night is also a great time to dust off one of the following favorite numbers of leather-lunged fundies everywhere:
– Wonderful Grace of Jesus
– The Awakening Chorus (if you’re a PCC grad)
– The Church In The Wildwood
– Son of a Preacher Man
Throw in a few minutes of Testimony Time and the pastor can rest easy until next week. Men on the First, Ladies on the Second, and All together on the last!
Bashing Mental Health Professionals
We’ve featured this kind of thing here before but it’s worth visiting again.
Ryan Price, PCC Grad and pastor of Fort Lauderdale Baptist Church breaks it down for us and then throws in some dispensationalism gratis. (as an added bonus, check out that flag!).
I have a feeling this isn’t the last this blog has seen of Ryan.
Doing Your Best
I wonder, have you done your best for Jesus? I know that we live under all that grace nonsense now (my, how I miss a good old-fashioned stoning!) but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a good guilt trip now and again about your works or lack thereof. Jesus is keeping score.
Did you waste a precious minute today? Did you spend ten minutes goofing off when you could have been praying? Did you need to eat at that restaurant (and leave no tract with your tip!) instead of giving the money to faith-promise missions? Obsess, my friend, obsess.
Never forget that God only values you for what you can do for Him. And by “Him” I mean me, of course. Do you have any experience driving a bus? No? What about using a toilet scrubber? Be careful or your wood, hay, and stubble will make quite the bonfire on judgment day.
You’ll never be good enough no matter how hard you try — so try harder! Have you done your best? The answer is always no. Now get back to work.