Testimony Time
“Who would like to share a word of testimony this evening?”
Testimony time in a fundamentalist church is an experience unlike anything one could hope to find in the outside world. It’s equal parts performance art, spiritual posturing, and the kind of long winded delivery that you might expect after mistakenly asking your hypochondriac great-aunt how she’s feeling today. It is, in short, a wonderful and awful spectacle to behold.
Testimony time has many functions. For example, it’s one of a few times when women and divorced folks get to be heard in the church without being accused of preaching. “I’d just like to thank God for the lesson he taught me this week which I’d like to share with all of you. Let me read you a few verses and then after I tell my story I’ll share a poem that I wrote…”
The Biographical testimony is also a popular one usually involving a description of the horrific sin that the teller was involved in “years ago.” The main point to note here is that while some sins are acceptable to talk about in fundy churches (“I used to be such a drunk…”) some are simply not (“I used to be so gay..”).
Another variation of the testimony is the “Bragamony” which is used for establishing the church pecking order by allowing contenders to matching stories of spiritual prowess. In this struggle for dominance, the timing of the testimony is vital. It’s important not to go first lest your story be outmatched by those following and quickly forgotten. Fall into that trap and you may have to postpone until mid-week service with a considerably smaller audience and must less impact.
“If no one else has a testimony to share let’s turn in our hymnbooks…”
Thanks to Mel, Jennifer, and many others who suggested this topic.
Posted by Darrell
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Oooh! FINALLY!
MY IDEA!
The best is that there is always that ONE person in the church that you NEVER wanted the pastor to call on. Sadly, even if he/she wasn’t called on, he’d stand up and interrupt to share anyway. even if it wasn’t testimony time!
Testimony time at our church is pretty awesome, usually. Of course every church has 1 or 2 people who always stand up and have something long-winded to say, but that’s a great time to go searching through your purse for some gum or re-arrange the bulletins in your Bible.
Having worked as a secretary in the church office, I remember that when the pastor didn’t have time to prepare a sermon for Sunday night, it always ended up being “Testimony & Favorite Hymn Night”.
lol 1611. There are those REALLY long winded people though where you’re able to re-arrange you’re bulletins, figure out which ones to throw out, look for gum, pass a note to 3 people asking for gum, read through all the old notes you’ve written in your bible, and play a few hymnal games… lol
Yes Trina, I know.
God bless these people… they’re usually the ones who have the most to brag on the Lord about. Of course, it involves going back to 30 years ago and re-capping everything that’s happened till now… but at least they’re praising God. 
It’s always about their personal story of salvation, and after the 20th time of hearing the same story you just grin and bear it. The pews are so dead and so few people are actually talking to sinners it becomes an in house game, my story is better than yours.
What a shock if someone would actually get up and tell about how they met someone and took them to dinner several weeks ago and how the Lord is allowing a real friendship to blossom. That person seems to be very angry at Christians and the one testifying requests prayer that they can be a “real” Christian to them. (without some one asking the Phil Kid question… “have you given them the gospel, before it is too late and they are decapitated in a horrendous car accident!” Give ‘em the gospel even if it runs them off and you lose them as a friend but make sure they pray the prayer!”) Zeal without wisdom.