If you are an educator or have children in school it’s fascinating to watch this BJU clip and see them outright admit that they’re not nearly as interested in teaching children how to think about science and history as they are teaching them what to think about science and history.
h/t: James McGrath
Keys to starting a successful Bible Institute:
1) Choose a name that symbolizes pain, grief, and exhaustion.
2) Make sure everybody in your advertising has at least one honorary doctorate.
4) Make sure the picture of your college President makes him look more than a little disturbed. That way the crazies who sign up will know they’re among friends.
When I see things like this it makes me wonder if there’s really any point writing parody of fundamentalists. It seems they’ve taken up the task of self-mockery with a vigor that I’m unlikely to be able to rival.
As written by KindOfBored, Myself, James,and various other friends, acquaintances, and minions. I happened across this while perusing my personal archives this morning and had such a good laugh that I couldn’t help but share it here.
Q. What is the book for thee?
A. The B-I-B-L-E.
Q. Where do you stand?
A. On the Word of God.
Q. Who is with thee?
A. I stand alone.
Q. Where has God prepared a place?
A. Somewhere in outer space.
Q. For whom is the place prepared?
A. For those who trust Him and obey.
Q. What doest thou ask of the Lord?
A. That He do remember me.
Q. Where should He remember thee?
A. Way beyond the blue.
Q. Who is standing in the need of prayer?
A. It’s me.
Q. Is it thy brother or thy sister?
A. We just covered that – it’s me.
Q. Is it thy father or thy mother.
A. Idiot. Next question, please.
Q. Who is on the Lord’s side?
A. We are on the Lord’s side.
Q. Who did not obey God immediately?
Q. Where did Jonah find himself?
A. Down in the depths of the deep blue sea.
Q. Why shouldst thou do right?
A. Because it’s right to do.
Q. For how long shouldst thou do right?
A. Until the stars fall.
Q. Who’s gonna get thee for that?
A. God’s gonna get me for that.
Q. What shouldst thou fight?
A. The wiggle worm.
Q: Up what shall we climb?
A: We shall climp up, climb up Sunshine Mountain
Q: How fares the countdown?
A: The countdown’s getting lower every day
Q: What did the Lord told Noah?
A: To build the arky, arky
Q: And wherefore was this arky?
A: For the floody, floody
Q: When are we to be happy?
A: We are in-right, out-right, up-right, down-right…happy all the time
Q: Who hath many sons?
A: Father Abraham hath many sons.
Q: Father Abraham hath many sons?
A: Right Arm. Left Arm. Right Foot. Left Foot.
Q:What if the devil does not like it?
A: He may sit on a bomb. Boom.
Q. What else may the devil sit upon?
A. He may sit on a tack. Ouch!
Q. What doest thou have?
A. I have the joy, joy, joy.
Q. Where doest thou have it?
A. Down in my heart.
A. Down in my heart.
A. Down in my heart.
Q. For how long is the joy in your heart?
A. To stay.
Q: Why dost thou read thy Bible and pray every day?
A: So that we may grow, grow, grow
Q: And if thou shouldest forget?
A: Then we will shrink, shrink, shrink
Q. How are we to be happy in Jesus?
A. By trusting and obeying.
Q. Is there another way?
A. There is no other way.
Q: If thou art saved and thou knowest it, how shalt thou showest it?
A: With the clapping of mine hands.
Q. Do you march in the infantry?
A. I may never march in the infantry.
Q. Do you ride in the cavalry?
A. I may never ride in the cavalry.
Q. Do you shoot the artillery?
A. I may never shoot the artillery.
Q. Do you zoom over the enemy?
A. I may never zoom over the enemy.
Q. Then child, in whose army do you serve?
A. I am in the Lord’s army.
Q. Are you down-hearted?
A. No, no, no.
Q. If you were a fish in the sea, what would you do?
A. I would thank the Lord that I could swim.
Q. And as a bird in the sky?
A. Thank the Lord for letting me fly.
Q. And since you are neither?
A. Thank the Father for making me, me.
Q. And not someone else?
A. Not you, but me!
Q. How many doors are there?
A. One door, and only one.
Q. How many sides does the door possess?
A. Its sides are two.
Q. On which side are you?
A. I’m on the inside.
Q. Isn’t He wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, Isn’t Jesus my Lord wonderful? Eyes have seen, ears have heard, It’s recorded in His word, Isn’t Jesus my Lord wonderful?
Q: For what does Jesus want you?
A: Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.
Q: And what shall the nature of this sunbeam be?
A: It shall brighten up the corner where I am.
Q. What rings in your heart?
A. In my heart there rings a melody in perfect harmony, a melody of love.
Q. And where is your home, and what doth it outshine?
A. I’ve got a home in glory land that outshines the sun (HALLELUJAH!)
Q. What colors of little children doth our Savior love?
A. Red and yellow, black and white.
Q If thou art wise, where will you build your home?
A Upon the Rock
Q Where wilt the foolish build his home?
A Upon the sand
Q What wilt happen when the rain tumbeleth down?
A The house on the sand shalt go splat
Q. What is my strength?
A. The joy of the Lord is my strength
Q. What does He give me that I thirst no more?
A. He gives me living water so I thirst no more.
Q. With what does He fill my mouth?
Q. What doth this laughter sound like?
A. HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA
Q. What else doth this laughter sound like?
A. Any number of dying animals
Q. How is the fountain flowing?
A. Deep and wide
Q. How is it flowing beneath the fountain?
A. Hmm and Hmm
Q. What didst David have?
A. Only a little sling.
Q. What could David do?
A. He could play and sing.
Q. What was close at hand?
A. Only a rippling brook.
Q. With what did he arm himself?
A. With the five little stones he took.
Q. What went into the sling?
A. One little stone went into the sling.
Q. And how did the sling go?
A. It went ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round.
Q. What went up in the air?
A. One little stone.
Q. What was the consequence of David’s action?
A. A giant came tumbling down.
Q. What dost He have in His hands?
A. The whole world.
Q. What else?
A. Any additional verses are unnecessary.
Q. Okay, skip it.