Tag Archives: catechism

A Shorter Fundy Catechism

Q. 1. What is the chief end of man?
A. Man’s chief end is to glorify the pastor, and to support him forever.

Q. 2. What rule hath the pastor given to direct us how we may glorify and enjoy him?
A. All of them.

Q. 3. What do the scriptures principally teach?
A. The scriptures principally teach whatever the pastor says they teach.

Q. 4. What is the pastor?
A. Better than you.

Q. 5. Are there more pastors than one?
A. Not until the pastor’s son graduates from the Bible college in the trailer out back.

Q. 6. How many persons are there on the church staff?
A. There are three persons on the staff: the pastor, the song leader, and Chuck. Chuck is mostly just the pastor’s son in law.

Q. 7. What are the decrees of the pastor?
A. They’re all up on the wall of his study. He even got a doctoral decree a few years back.

Q. 8. How doth the pastor execute his decrees?
A. Sometimes he tells us Greek words and doesn’t even look them up or nothin.

Q. 9. What is the work of creation?
A. Most of our ladies do up a pretty good casserole.

Q. 10. How did God create man?
A. Perfect. Then women came along.

Q. 11. What are God’s works of providence?
A. This one time I didn’t go soul winning and I broke my leg a month later.

Q. 12. What special act of providence did God exercise toward man in the estate wherein he was created?
A. Well…he let a whole bunch of us be born American. So I guess that’s something.

Q. 13. Did our first parents continue in the estate wherein they were created?
A. Nope. Mine moved to Florida to be missionaries.

Q. 14. What is sin?
A. What isn’t sin would be a lot easier question to answer. It’s pert near everywhere.

Q. 15. What was the sin whereby our first parents fell from the estate wherein they were created?
A. I’m not sure we’re allowed to talk about that. Maybe I’ll draw you a picture.

(feel free to continue on…)

Sunday School Catechism

As written by KindOfBored, Myself, James,and various other friends, acquaintances, and minions. I happened across this while perusing my personal archives this morning and had such a good laugh that I couldn’t help but share it here.

Q. What is the book for thee?
A. The B-I-B-L-E.

Q. Where do you stand?
A. On the Word of God.

Q. Who is with thee?
A. I stand alone.

Q. Where has God prepared a place?
A. Somewhere in outer space.

Q. For whom is the place prepared?
A. For those who trust Him and obey.

Q. What doest thou ask of the Lord?
A. That He do remember me.

Q. Where should He remember thee?
A. Way beyond the blue.

Q. Who is standing in the need of prayer?
A. It’s me.

Q. Is it thy brother or thy sister?
A. We just covered that – it’s me.

Q. Is it thy father or thy mother.
A. Idiot. Next question, please.

Q. Who is on the Lord’s side?
A. We are on the Lord’s side.

Q. Who did not obey God immediately?
A. Jonah.

Q. Where did Jonah find himself?
A. Down in the depths of the deep blue sea.

Q. Why shouldst thou do right?
A. Because it’s right to do.

Q. For how long shouldst thou do right?
A. Until the stars fall.

Q. Who’s gonna get thee for that?
A. God’s gonna get me for that.

Q. What shouldst thou fight?
A. The wiggle worm.

Q: Up what shall we climb?
A: We shall climp up, climb up Sunshine Mountain

Q: How fares the countdown?
A: The countdown’s getting lower every day

Q: What did the Lord told Noah?
A: To build the arky, arky

Q: And wherefore was this arky?
A: For the floody, floody

Q: When are we to be happy?
A: We are in-right, out-right, up-right, down-right…happy all the time

Q: Who hath many sons?
A: Father Abraham hath many sons.

Q: Father Abraham hath many sons?
A: Right Arm. Left Arm. Right Foot. Left Foot.

Q:What if the devil does not like it?
A: He may sit on a bomb. Boom.

Q. What else may the devil sit upon?
A. He may sit on a tack. Ouch!

Q. What doest thou have?
A. I have the joy, joy, joy.

Q. Where doest thou have it?
A. Down in my heart.

Q. Where?
A. Down in my heart.

Q. Where?
A. Down in my heart.

Q. For how long is the joy in your heart?
A. To stay.

Q: Why dost thou read thy Bible and pray every day?
A: So that we may grow, grow, grow

Q: And if thou shouldest forget?
A: Then we will shrink, shrink, shrink

Q. How are we to be happy in Jesus?
A. By trusting and obeying.

Q. Is there another way?
A. There is no other way.

Q: If thou art saved and thou knowest it, how shalt thou showest it?
A: With the clapping of mine hands.

Q. Do you march in the infantry?
A. I may never march in the infantry.

Q. Do you ride in the cavalry?
A. I may never ride in the cavalry.

Q. Do you shoot the artillery?
A. I may never shoot the artillery.

Q. Do you zoom over the enemy?
A. I may never zoom over the enemy.

Q. Then child, in whose army do you serve?
A. I am in the Lord’s army.

Q. Are you down-hearted?
A. No, no, no.

Q. If you were a fish in the sea, what would you do?
A. I would thank the Lord that I could swim.

Q. And as a bird in the sky?
A. Thank the Lord for letting me fly.

Q. And since you are neither?
A. Thank the Father for making me, me.

Q. And not someone else?
A. Not you, but me!

Q. How many doors are there?
A. One door, and only one.

Q. How many sides does the door possess?
A. Its sides are two.

Q. On which side are you?
A. I’m on the inside.

Q. Isn’t He wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, Isn’t Jesus my Lord wonderful? Eyes have seen, ears have heard, It’s recorded in His word, Isn’t Jesus my Lord wonderful?
A. Yes.

Q: For what does Jesus want you?
A: Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.

Q: And what shall the nature of this sunbeam be?
A: It shall brighten up the corner where I am.

Q. What rings in your heart?
A. In my heart there rings a melody in perfect harmony, a melody of love.

Q. And where is your home, and what doth it outshine?
A. I’ve got a home in glory land that outshines the sun (HALLELUJAH!)

Q. What colors of little children doth our Savior love?
A. Red and yellow, black and white.

Q If thou art wise, where will you build your home?
A Upon the Rock

Q Where wilt the foolish build his home?
A Upon the sand

Q What wilt happen when the rain tumbeleth down?
A The house on the sand shalt go splat

Q. What is my strength?
A. The joy of the Lord is my strength

Q. What does He give me that I thirst no more?
A. He gives me living water so I thirst no more.

Q. With what does He fill my mouth?
A. Laughter

Q. What doth this laughter sound like?

Q. What else doth this laughter sound like?
A. Any number of dying animals

Q. How is the fountain flowing?
A. Deep and wide

Q. How is it flowing beneath the fountain?
A. Hmm and Hmm

Q. What didst David have?
A. Only a little sling.

Q. What could David do?
A. He could play and sing.

Q. What was close at hand?
A. Only a rippling brook.

Q. With what did he arm himself?
A. With the five little stones he took.

Q. What went into the sling?
A. One little stone went into the sling.

Q. And how did the sling go?
A. It went ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round.

Q. What went up in the air?
A. One little stone.

Q. What was the consequence of David’s action?
A. A giant came tumbling down.

Q. What dost He have in His hands?
A. The whole world.

Q. What else?
A. Any additional verses are unnecessary.

Q. Okay, skip it.
A. Thanks.