education

Honorary Degrees

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diplomaIf you meet a pastor who’s business card reads Evangelist Rev. Dr. Bro. Phil Armenik Moe.D., D.D., D.Min, D.I.P., Th.D., Ph.D., D.Litt, D.Hum., D.Miss.1 you may well be assured that you are in the presence of a fundamentalist who has been the recipient of a good many honorary degrees from fundamentalists Bible colleges. Gird your loins and prepare to be in the presence of greatness.

Honorary doctorates are useful in fundamentalists circles not only for establishing who’s “camp” someone is in but also to provide their hosts with great material for introductions when they’re out guest speaking. For example: “Tonight we are honored to have with us Dr. Lazarus McSnuffy who holds not one but two doctorates in bus ministry and baptistry design from Hyles Anderson College.”

Even more noteworthy are the tiny church-basement colleges that award doctorates to their own faculty — but that’s a story for another day…

1.Read more about “Bro. Armenik” here

Politics

Ronald Reagan

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reaganHow did a non-church-attending, divorced, former-Democrat, Hollywood-insider politician become one of the most beloved icons of fundamentalists everywhere? It’s a good question.

The only possible answer is that Ronald Wilson Reagan stood for something that was so universally good that even fundies were able to look past his flaws. (The cowboy hats may also have helped.)

Rest in peace, Mr. President. We hardly knew ye.

Uncategorized

Christmas Cantatas Where Someone Dies

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tombstoneSometime around September fundamentalists dig out the big plastic trunks of  sheet music and set to work on one of the largest outreach events of the year: The Annual Christmas Cantata.

Unlike the Christmas pageants at other churches, wassailing and gay apparel are shunned in lieu of a much grander tradition — if the evening is to be deemed a success,  someone in the cantata’s plot has to die.

Maybe it will be a father who dies at the beginning of the story.  Perhaps it will be a nice old lady who dies in the hospital after sharing her sage wisdom about the true meaning of Christmas. Better yet is the tale of an errant boy who staggers home on Christmas Eve to learn that his mother died while he was away playing the prodigal. The main thing is that there must be death by act three in order to hammer home The Message of the cantata.

The rest of the world may consider this a season to be jolly but fundamentalists know to keep the tissues handy when going to the annual cantata.

Hark the Herald Angels Sing
A Tear-Jerking Death Scene is Just the Thing.

Fun and Games, Uncategorized

Wide-Range Date Setting

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hourglassNo man knows the day or hour when Christ will return but that doesn’t stop some fundamentalists from making predictions about the century or the decade. After all, saying Christ will mostly likely come back in “this generation” isn’t strictly date setting now is it?

Never before have we seen such wickedness and persecution as is on the earth today! Except during the early church perhaps with all the being thrown to the lions and whatnot. And the Dark Ages had a lot of evil men and seducers and Catholics running around deceiving and being deceived. And there were some times during the  1920’s that were pretty decadent not to mention all the wars and rumors of wars during the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s,  80’s, and 90’s…

But it’s fairly sure. It’s almost positive, in fact. If  one had to bet, they’d say Christ will return in our lifetimes. Unless of course He doesn’t come for the next 10,000 years…but that’s not at all likely.

But we fundamentalists DON’T SET DATES like all those cults do!! But look at the signs of the time! The whirlwind is in the thorn tree! Just don’t make any serious plans for retirement, if you know what I mean…

Church Services

Medical Prayer Requests

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caduceusScene from a fundamentalist church near you during any given prayer meeting…

As the notes of the second hymn die away, the pastor asks “Do we have any prayer requests this evening?”

Up pops the hand of Sister Pearl in the second row.

“Since my sister couldn’t get a cardiopulmonary bypass they had to perform an off-pump MIDCAB. The surgeon performed an alternative incision — I believe it was a a left anterior thoracotomy. So her left internal mammary artery was dissected from the left chest wall and stabilizer device was placed on her heart to provide support of the left anterior descending artery as the heart continues to beat. Then the left internal mammary artery was sutured to the left anterior descending artery to bypass the blockage”

“Miss Pearl’s sister” murmurs the pastors making a note on his list. “Who else?”

“Please pray for me.” pipes up brother Tom on the front row. “I have a visit with my proctologist tomorrow and he’s probably going to be prescribing me more of that stimulant laxative he gave me two weeks ago. That stuff sure does a number on me. Hopefully this straightens out my bowel movements because they have have been just terribly irregular of late.”

“Remember Tom” intones the pastor scratching another note while avoiding eye contact with Tom. “Anyone else?”

“I believe that my neighbor has a social disease” pipes up Sister Sue-Ellen sitting in the middle halfway back. “It wouldn’t surprise me the way she carries on…”

“Sue-Ellen’s neighbor” the pastor hastily interjects. “Ok, let’s go ahead and pray…”

The only certain things are death, taxes, and an amazingly detailed litany of medical prayer requests on Wednesday night.

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