Christmas Cantatas Where Someone Dies

tombstoneSometime around September fundamentalists dig out the big plastic trunks of  sheet music and set to work on one of the largest outreach events of the year: The Annual Christmas Cantata.

Unlike the Christmas pageants at other churches, wassailing and gay apparel are shunned in lieu of a much grander tradition — if the evening is to be deemed a success,  someone in the cantata’s plot has to die.

Maybe it will be a father who dies at the beginning of the story.  Perhaps it will be a nice old lady who dies in the hospital after sharing her sage wisdom about the true meaning of Christmas. Better yet is the tale of an errant boy who staggers home on Christmas Eve to learn that his mother died while he was away playing the prodigal. The main thing is that there must be death by act three in order to hammer home The Message of the cantata.

The rest of the world may consider this a season to be jolly but fundamentalists know to keep the tissues handy when going to the annual cantata.

Hark the Herald Angels Sing
A Tear-Jerking Death Scene is Just the Thing.

25 thoughts on “Christmas Cantatas Where Someone Dies”

  1. I wouldn’t use the words “The Message” in your second to last paragraph.

    It reeks of Eugene Petersen and might lead an unbeliever to assume that you read and Unauthorized (per)Version.

  2. This is so retarded. As if fundies have a corner on the cantata market.

    FTR, our church does what it has been doing forever: a medley of carols which we sing at local nursing homes while passing out large print tracts. Look it up. t r a c t s

    They are useful tools in something we call E V A N G E L I S M.

  3. Today I saw a short, wordless skit performed for Easter where a woman wanted to witness to her friend but let her opportunities slip by. She finally got her chance, friend got saved and immediately walked out the door and died. We know this despite the lack of dialogue because main character moved the awkwardly placed, superfluous shrubbery from the middle of the stage to reveal a tombstone with friends name and today’s date. The Casting Crowns song “Here I Go Again” played over the entire tragedy.

  4. It was supposed to be sad, but I was struggling to keep from laughing because I kept thinking about this post and I wondered for a brief second if the tombstone was going to say ” Skit Casualty-Easter 2010″

  5. We usually do the Ron Hamilton- some- one- gets- saved – by- the -end of -the -cantata ones. Our custodian always plays the character who gets saved in Christmas Cantata.

  6. Is he the one in your church who looks like he needs it the most? Does he have a ponytail or an earring or something?

  7. A year or two before this article was born, I recorded a skit for my podcast about a preacher who keeps insisting that nobody is going to die in this year’s Christmas cantata. I worried that nobody would get it, but now I see that everybody got it.

  8. This is SOOO funny. My former IFB church does one of these EVERY SINGLE YEAR. Then about every 7 to 10 years, they start the cycle over again. They’ve done the same ones over and over and over. Hasn’t Ron Hamilton written any new ones recently? =)

  9. This reminds me of a CCM song that’s played around Christmas that I HATE. It’s called “Christmas Shoes” or something, and it about a little boy whose mom is dying on Christmas Eve and he wants to buy her shoes so that she looks nice when she goes to meet Jesus.

    Why would anyone write such a depressing song and why do people want to hear it? Apparently I’m the only one who feels this way, because the local Christian station plays it every hour on the hour during the holidays.

    1. You must live near me. Our station plays it nearly every hour. I asked my mom and sister who work at the station why, and everyone at the station dislikes the song as well, but the listeners love it. I turn the station whenever it comes on, I can’t take it. 😈

    2. Could this be the inspiration for the Christmas Shoes song? Saints help us all! 🙄
      I’ll admit to getting teary-eyed when it comes on the radio (if I don’t turn it off). 😥 😐 Don’t want to be too hard on it, as yes we do need to encourage people to be open-hearted around Christmas and so on, but this does pile on the sentiment with a shovel.

      1. Our sadistic kids made us watch the made-for-TV Christmas Shoes movie one year. It was almost as unwatchable as Yes, Giorgio. And the music wasn’t anywhere near as good.

  10. A teeny Baptist church just down the road from us advertises its annual “Christmas Contata” on its Church Sign every year. I keep meaning to ask the pastor there whether a contata is something made with tortillas, cheese, and salsa. :mrgreen:

    Actually, someone must have finally clued them in, because this year’s sign advertised a Christmas Cantata.

    I never heard of this Death Cantata stuff before. Man, what I’ve missed, not growing up fundy!

  11. Like a worn toupee, the time for the cantata has come and gone. I don’t see Millenials flocking to hear them unless dragged by their grandparents. When that occurs, they spend more time checking their cell phones. Please , our God is a god of creativity! think of something new.

  12. I’m resurrecting this post, because cantata’s are starting to come about.

    And, this may sound horrible so shoot me with an arrow, but I’ve always thought it was so funny how… um, older people people bounce their books to keep up with the rhythm.

    Don’t you dare judge me! You noticed it, too! 😉 :mrgreen:

    1. Haven’t before, but will looking for it now. 🙂
      I’ll notify you when my arrows are ready, it takes time to glue suction cups to their tips. :mrgreen:

      1. I think at one family Christmas we had those suction cup arrow guns and were shooting them at each other.

        We’re a mature group of people. 😉

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