Category Archives: Odds and Ends

Announcing: FBC Hammond Photo Contest

Please bear in mind that would never encourage the SFL readership to submit random photos of life in post-fundamentalism. That would just be childish and not a good testimony at all. No, sir we don’t want that kind of behavior going on here. No matter how funny it might be it’s just not worth having that on your conscience. So don’t even think about it.

Baby Dedications

Sometime between birth and Bible college, almost every fundamentalist youngster is dragged up before the church congregation and prayed over before they are eaten. Seriously though, the actual practice is that they are prayed over to “dedicate them to the Lord” and as a sign to the congregation that the community of the church has a responsibility to pray for this child to watch for their soul. It’s also a sign that the parents are going to maintain their sacred fundy trust by muting all the TV commercials during the evening news lest the child hear the rock music played therein and desire in his infant heart to dance which is the first step on the road to degradation.

There are a couple of different ways in which the dedication goes down. In larger churches there is often a designated Sunday or two per year where the kids are dressed up and paraded in front of the church to a chorus of “ooohs” and “aaaah” from the crowd. This is affectionately known as the “Baby Parade” and is used as a draw to get Catholic grandmas and reprobate uncles to darken the door of the fundy church in order to watch this totally symbolic action.

In smaller churches, however, baby dedications may be performed as needed on the first possible Sunday after the child is born. Unless, of course, the church has its own midwife station set up behind the church bookstore just for those people who never miss church for any reason. “It’s a boy! Quick, run him on down to the altar!” The father then crosses the goal line, high-fives the pastor, and spikes the baby in the end zone.

It’s worth noting that many paedo-baptist folks will readily recognize that this whole dedication business is in reality a “dry baptism.” There’s even a certificate. Shhhhh. Don’t tell the Baptists.

Lack of Privacy

In fundyland it is assumed that the only reason why the average person would desire freedom from prying eyes would be to perform some great act of wickedness. Private correspondence, private conversations, and private contemplations among those who are not in leadership are seen as the very tools of Satan.

Any locked container probably contains liquor, Harry Potter books, and gospel tracts that use the NIV. Anyone wearing headphones must be secretly listening to evil rock music. Anything password protected is pornography or (worse yet!) copies of old SFL posts until proven otherwise. Your secrets are only safe as long as they remain inside your own head.

The only person in fundyland who has the right to keep secrets is the pastor. And his mistress. And her husband.