BECAUSE WHO REALLY NEEDS A WELL-CONSTRUCTED ARGUMENT WHEN YOU’VE GOT VIRTUAL VOLUME WHEREWITH TO BLAST THE LIBRALS, BACKSLIDERS AND COMPROMISERS?
All posts by Darrell
Sunshine on the Soapsuds
If your fundamentalist church ran its own radio station (as an inordinate number do) you’ve probably heard these words pouring forth from your radio:
The Bible says, “Every wise woman buildeth her house; but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands” (Proverbs 14:1). Each day, Beneth Peters Jones shares with you spiritual helps for building rather than battering your home.
This is pure gold. A show by a housewife for housewives (who one supposes are listening whilst they are baking, cleaning, and doing obeisance to their husbands) could not help but be a hit with fundamentalists.
In the clip below, Beneth takes on the topic of “Depression.” Notice that she takes care to address her remarks to women. After all, you wouldn’t want a man thinking she was trying to tell him what to do.
edit: Audio source has since been removed…
I feel better already.
For more soapsuds goodness, be sure to check out her two
Vans
If this was your “family car” growing up…you may have been a fundamentalist.
FWOTW: BaptistVideos.org
Not content to only provide an IFB alternative to Facebook, some enterprising fundies have also created a separated and sanctified alternative to YouTube as well. BaptistVideos.org provides endless minutes of delight with offerings such as a Billy Sunday Impression, A Sermon from CLA Founder David Gibbs, and my vote for the Worst Q&A Session Ever.
Also note that there’s not a sermon under 50 minutes long anywhere to be found. Glory!
Sword Drills
Official Sword Drill Instructions:
1. If some children do not know how to do a Sword Drill then first of all explain why the Bible is the Christian’s sword.
2. First of all have all the children close their Bibles and hold them by the binder.
3. Shout “Sheathe swords” – at this the children should put their Bibles under their arms.
4. Shout “Draw swords” – the children should now hold their Bibles in the air with straight arms.
5. Tell the children a book, a chapter, and a verse of the Bible, and have them repeat it after you. For example, “John chapter 3 verse 16.”
6. Once the children have repeated the reference, shout “Charge” – the children should now try to look up the verse as quickly as possible.
7. The first one to find the reference should shout out the first few words from the verse. In our example, this would be, “For God so…” (KJV). You could also have the children stand up when they get the verse to make it clearer who won.
8. This child would then come out to the front and would keep their Bible open at their verse. They are now in the final.
9. Repeat this until you have 4 or perhaps 5 children in the final.
10. The children should then read their verses and within these verses there should be a word which is the same. The rest of the children should listen to the verses to try and guess the common word.
11. Once the children have read their verses and someone has guessed what the word is, have a Sword Drill just for the finalists.
12. The first one to get the verse should shout out the first couple words as before. This child has then won the sword drill and should then read out this verse.
If you’ve ever spent hours refining your sword drill bible-opening and page-flipping skills…you might have been a fundamentalist.