Thanks to reader GuessWho for this classic example.
All posts by Darrell
Asking “Why?” instead of “Why not?”
“Christians should never watch movies rated PG-13”, intones the fundamentalist.
“Why not?” asks his companion. “I don’t see any reason why this movie is so bad.”
“You’re asking the wrong question,” says the fundamentalist sternly. “Asking ‘why not?’ is the trick of rebellious children and compromisers. What you need to be asking is ‘why do you want to do it?’ — and if the answer you come up with isn’t either something super spiritual or agreed upon by at least two popular evangelists you have to admit I’m right.”
“Uh….” stammers his friend.
“I win!” yells the fundamentalist gleefully.
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of this conversation, chances are you have been in the presence of a fundamentalist.
One has to wonder if a fundamentalist can also come up with super spiritual reasons for their choice of breakfast cereal. I’ll bet they can.
Drive By Evangelism
Thanks to Stephen for the picture
FWOTW: Really Really ModestApparelUSA.com
Loyal SFL reader Erin sent along today’s fundy website pick of the week: modestapparelusa.com.
I think that it goes without saying that if you’ve ever owned a maternity culotte slip, you’re probably a fundamentalist.
And yes they are available up to size 4xlarge. (I’ll leave you for a moment to ponder that.)
Since it’s also important to be modest in your own bedroom (one doesn’t want to be a stumbling block after all), the discerning fundamentalist lady can avail herself of a Blue Paisley Flannel Nightgown (only available in XL).
This item is also known as the “Gotta Headache” and is one of the few methods of birth control that fundamentalists approve of.
And what’s this I see? They’re selling copies of Your Clothes Say It For You by Elizabeth Rice Handford?
Ahhh. Suddenly the entire site begins to make a lot more sense.
Bad Pay
If you’ve ever made $ 11,000 per year working in a ministry, while supporting a wife, three children, and a dog and then had the senior pastor you work for tell you that taking government assistance wasn’t “trusting God”…you might have been a fundamentalist.
Fundamentalist churches are generally not full of professional, high-income members. Doctors, Lawyers, and other such folks are noticeably absent from the church rolls and their tithes are noticeably absent from the church budget. As a result of this lack of funds, these churches often rely on a workforce of very poorly paid employees to take care of the ministry. Woe unto you if you’ve spent six years in school to get a Masters Degree in Education at an unaccredited fundamentalist college. At the local fundy school (the only place you’re qualified to work) that effort will probably net you church staff housing, no insurance, and less pay than you might get working at the local McDonalds.
To compound this problem, — and for reasons more political than doctrinal — many fundamentalists are deathly opposed to welfare of any kind. The claim is that if the government is helping you then they get the credit instead of God getting the credit. The idea that maybe God uses the government to help folks sometimes has evidently never dawned on them.
This lack of funds combined with an inability to seek help from any other source (not to mention threats that leaving this glorious ministry will ruin God’s will for your life), combines to create a class of indentured servitude with people who are too literally too poor to escape the cycle. Add to this the bellowing of preachers who blast their lackeys for even daring to inquire about how much money a ministry position might pay and you end up with a very sad situation indeed.
It’s all fine and good to be told that slaving away for sub-minimum wages is laying up treasure in heaven. One has to wonder if it’s inconceivable that it might be possible to get both treasure in heaven and a decent dental plan down here on earth in the meantime.