Hey, man. Can you hook me up? I need something right now. I heard a rumor that you just got in a fresh batch of rules. C’mon man, I’m really hurting here. How about just a little bump of guilt? Just give me a few hits of those sweet, sweet standards to help me level out.
Please. I’m begging you, man. Just give me one more rule. How about give me just a ‘teenth, man. Just give me a sixteenth commandment to add to my spiritual walk and that will be all I need, I swear. I won’t do any more after this. I’m gonna get clean and go back to my sobriety of grace but you know how it is, I can’t even think straight when I’m like this.
I just need some a few more statutes and precepts, man. Help a brother out! Anything you’ve got. I’ll take whatever. A decree? An edict? You can even make fun of my clothes, man. Just lay it on me. I’m in bad shape here.
Sure, you know I’ll pay anything. You want a cut of my income? Done. You want me to work for you for free on weekends, you know I’m good for it, man. Hey, let me sweeten the deal, you want my kid’s future? You want him to worship you and love you more than he loves me? I’ll make it happen for you, man. Just give me what I need.
Just give me the guilt, man. Just make me believe I’m bad. I can’t live without it.
Yes, this is what happens when I slam down an entire season of Breaking Bad over a weekend.
Here’s an actual memo from an actual Fundy U.
I had no idea that young fundies rutted in the spring like the wee free wild things do.
College Lakes Baptist Church in Fayetteville,NC describes themselves this way:
“The church family believes in: an unlimited atonement, a universal resistible call,resistible grace, using the King James Version of the Bible, deference to the pastor in all matters, serving at the pleasure of the pastor, a church-led government, a person with a servant’s heart who is seeking to meet spiritual needs rather than being recognized as a person with a title, traditional church music only, a wife actively involved in the ministry, and the church is anti-Calvinistic.”
Oh, but it gets better. A quick trip to their website reveals a student handbook for their Christian Academy that reads like something you’d expect to find in a volume entitled “Total Domination and You: Cult Making For Fun And Profit.”
A few excerpts:
Is your kid having a problem with the way a rule is being enforced? Forgetaboutit!
WE DO NOT TOLERATE GRIPING
If your child comes home complaining about a policy or discipline, please follow this procedure:
1. Reread the handbook; it states our policies. You can then remind the student that you both
were aware of the policy when he enrolled in the Academy.
2. Realize that your child’s reporting is emotionally biased and may not include all the
3. Realize that the school has reasons for all rules and we enforce them without partiality.
4. Support and contact the school for all the facts. You may talk with the lead supervisor in
each Learning Center. Please do not seek to talk with the principal or anyone else because
discipline is left to the discretion of the supervisor
And let’s not forget to include a section on CHRISTIAN AMERICANISM!
Christian Americanism places emphasis upon the greatness of America’s heritage and the sacrifices of her heroes. America’s constitution guarantees liberties to educate in order to preserve freedom. We unashamedly teach the Biblical doctrines of self-discipline, respect for those in authority, obedience to law and their natural outgrowth, and love for what the flag originally represented.
Ready for the best part? The church description I started with was from a listing on the BJU church placement service website as part of an advertisement for an associate pastor position. Crazyland is never as far from “mainstream” as the fundies would like you to think.