And concerning the celebrations of the times and occasions wherein we cover our crosses in flags and drape bunting on the communion table we give these commands that thou forget not the Christian nation that thou hast been given to dwell in.
For in that day thou shalt rest from the labor of decrying the wickedness of thy land and shall instead sing its praises and render it all due benevolence speaking the words long written: “I still wouldn’t want to be livin’ anywhere else because them other folks don’t even speak English!”
Then shalt thou honor the founders of the nation and call them good Christian men and shall speak not a word of their beer drinking and whoring and slave owning. For they brought forth on this continent a new nation wherein the sodas are large and the people are larger and for this and all their many other blessings we give them reverence.
And thou shalt sing the songs of war and the songs of national pride and the songs of remembrance of times past. Then thou shalt preach a sermon sparing not to give honor to whom honor is due. For there are three who bear witness to Washington the Tea Party, the Capitol Connection and David Barton. And these three are our one last best hope.
For we all know that if Jesus had been born today he would have been born in Bethlehem, PA, in the country with the language and culture that God loves most.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements p 74.
Fundamentalists love America for it is the land of freedom; the land of Washington the Baptist; the land that flows with Milky Ways and honey mustard sauce. Yet, Fundamentalists hate America too for it is the land of gay marriage; the land of Madonna and the pelvis of Elvis; the land of public schools and open bars. With fundamentalists love is always conditional and these United States just aren’t fit to be loved anymore.
So instead, of loving the country as it is or as it could be fundamentalists set about to love it as it never was or as they hope it will someday be. They love the romantic myth of a country made with hands, prepared by their ancestors where every jot and tittle of the fundamentalists code is kept. It’s a place where flags are never burned, gays are always burned and a counsel of Baptist pastors has just re-written the Bill of Rights to read “Christians have no rights. Non-Christians have even less than that.” In this beautiful city on a hill everybody shows the joy of Jesus on their face, or else.
In this land everything is banned for our own good. Liquor is no longer. Drugs, infidelity and children throwing tantrums at Denny’s all now receive the death penalty. Women are keepers at home, dreaming of the day when they may have a career as church secretary serving under a popular pastor. Children are taught 1611 English in schools and Congress has just passed a law mandating that Saviour must be spelled with a ‘u’. From sea to shining sea there are white picket fences surrounding white houses full of white people with the sound of hymns drifting from every radio.
Now there’s an America that a fundy could love. God forbid.