Category Archives: Love and Marriage

PSA From Your Black Fundy Friends

Re: Dating

Hello, brothers and sisters. May I please have a minute of your time as the piano plays “Softly and Tenderly” in the background?

If you know a Fundy “Brotha,” please do not introduce him to another Fundy “Sista,” in the hopes that they will be equally yoked in one-flesh matrimony until the second coming of our Lord. It’s weird. It’s wrong. Stop it.

As a pastor’s kid (wait, they make Black IFB pastors?), I can’t tell you how many random p.k.s, m.k.s, e.k.s (they’re the creepiest), etc. that I have been forced to shake hands with during the meet & greet time on Sunday mornings. It’s always awkward. Twice, upon meeting a gentleman, he has asked to pray with me after the service, asking for God’s guidance in our lives and wisdom, oh wisdom!, for whatever relationship may blossom.

Why does this happen?

Because there are so few Black people in Fundamentalism, every effort must be made to seal the marriage deal as soon as possible with any and every conversation with the opposite sex.

Although there is great opportunity for an interracial relationship, you’ll have to go down to the non-denominational church for that. Haymen!

It’s not our fault that the IFB dating scene is particularly lacking in ethnic diversity. Why, when I graced the hallowed halls of BJU, I was 1 of 30 African/African-American/bi-racial/deeply tanned students at the entire university. I had to endure a multitude of conversations starting with something like, “Do you know DeQuan? He’s really cute for a Black guy. You two should go to Artist Series together.” No, Becky. No, we shan’t.

Just because two people that YOU know are Black:

A) That doesn’t mean they are attracted to each other.

B) That doesn’t mean that they want to meet each other at all.

C) That doesn’t mean that it’s the will of God for their lives to be together.

So please take this information and bury it deep in your heart. Arm yourself with this knowledge and apply it to your life. Your 3 Black friends will thank you.

In Christ,


(Thank you so much for this guest post, MG! ~ D)

The Friendship Pass


This is a Friendship Request Form from Providence Baptist College which may seem a little odd until you realize that boys and girls who want to “court” have to get permission from the college admin.

The problem is, of course, that that not a lot of kids wanted to make the comittment required to fill out a “Courtship Courtesy Request Form.” Since too many students were refusing to fill out the CCRF early in their relationships (and claimed “just friends” status) the friendship request form was born.

There’s no word on whether they also have “eyes met across a crowded room” or “just really wishing she’d notice me” forms.

The Pre-Courtship Questionnaire

An SFL reader passed along this pre-courtship questionnaire checklist received from a church in fundy circles. Keep in mind, this is the Pre-courtship questionnaire, just to see if you qualify.

Life Influences
1. Do you ever seek advice from others?
2. How often do you seek counsel?
3. Who do you seek counsel from?
4. What type of things do you ask counsel about?
5. Would you be humble enough to go to counseling if I felt we need to?
6. Will you go to counseling even if you don’t feel the need to go, but I do?
7. Will you go the first time you are asked?
8. Are you humble about seeking counsel or do you already have all the answers?
9. Are you willing for us to share our problems with a counselor?
10. Would you include your wife as a counselor?
11. Would you ask my opinion or my advice before making decisions? (Especially big ones?)What are the primary events or situations in your life that have defined who you are today–the most formulating experiences and periods of your life?
12. What have been the hardest things you have ever had to work through? The hardest things you have ever done?
13. Who have been the main disciplers in your life and the people who have impacted and colored your life the most? As a child, adult–whenever.
14. Who were your role models and heroes? For what reasons?
15. You are the result of the influence of which people?
16. Which women/men do you admire the most and want to be like? Why? In which ways?
17. Which qualities and personality traits do you see in other women/men that you desire to have yourself?
18. What personality traits and/or strengths do you see in women/men you know that you would desire for your wife/husband to possess?
19. What did you grow up reading/watching? What books have had the greatest impact in defining who you are–children’s books, fiction, history, theology, anything. Which authors have you always most enjoyed and/or admired? What films have been influential?
20. Do you read?
21. What do you read?

Your Spiritual Life
22. What are things you see as God’s blessings? Do you desire and cherish these things?
23. Would you be willing to die for Christ? If you’re not dying daily, how can you be so sure you would then?
24. What breaks your heart? What delights your innermost heart?
25. Are you a spiritual person?
26. What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?
27. What ministries do you serve in?
28. What can you offer your spouse, spiritually?
29. Who are your disciples?
30. When did you really start to seek the Lord?
31. When did you start to obey the Word because it was the Word?
32. What do you believe about Salvation?
33. When did [fruit of the Spirit x] start appearing in your life?
34. What is a besetting sin? What are yours?
35. What do you believe about sin? What do you believe about Rom 6 & 7?
36. What do you think about your family? Are you good friends? How is sibling ____ doing?
37. What does theology mean? Just lists of doctrines?
38. How do you get doctrine? How do you determine right doctrine?
39. What is your attitude towards historically held positions?
40. How big is your vision for your disciple-making influence?
41. What are your main messages?
42. Are you pursuing and involving yourself in fruitful projects that advance/build the kingdom?
43. Are you interested in/focused on continual spiritual growth – in yourself, your wife, and your family?
44. What is your heart towards the lost soul and what do you believe your duty to God is regarding that soul?
45. What is your vision for the Church?
46. What do you think are some of the main problems of the evangelical churches of today?
47. What do you think a Biblical Church looks like? How is it structured?
48. What is your view on the church and baptism, the church and communion, the church and evangelism?
49. What is the role of music in worship and the Church?
50. How many times have you read through your Bible?
51. Does God give you personal insights in His Word that are just for you?
52. Who do you share the insights with that God gives you?
53. How often do you have a prayer time?
54. When is your prayer time?
55. Do you have it on a regular basis?
56. About how long do you pray?
57. Do you have a prayer book or a prayer journal? Would you let me see it?
58. Do you plan for us to read the Bible together as a couple?
59. Do you plan to initiate Family Devotions with our future family?
60. Did your family have devotions together?
61. Who initiated the family devotions? Your Dad or Mom?
62. How often did you have family devotions?
63. What is your faith’s foundation?
64. Why do you believe what you believe?
65. Can you give me some examples?

Your Relationships
66. Describe your relationship with your father? Was (is) it honoring? Was (is) it obedient?
67. Does your father have any medical or mental problems that could affect you or your children?
68. Describe your relationship with your mother? Was (is) it honoring? Was (is) it obedient?
69. Does your mother have any medical or mental problems that could affect you or your children?
70. How many siblings do you have? What are their names, ages, cities of residence? Can you describe your relationship with each of your siblings?
71. Can you describe your relationship with your grandparents?
72. Can you describe your relationship with your friends? Have you ever been peer-dependent? How did you resist this?
73. Are you consistently faithful in fulfilling your commitments? Give examples.
74. Do you show a regular willingness to serve others? In what ways?
75. In what ways is self-centeredness expressed in your life?
76. How do you relate to authority in your life? If so, what adjectives would your employers use to describe you?
77. Have you ever been a supervisor? If so, what adjectives would your employees use to describe you?
78. Are you ever manipulative of others?
79. What kinds of situations cause you frustration? How do you respond?
80. What circumstances might make you impatient or angry? How do you handle anger? Have you ever been violent? Do you raise your voice when angry?
81. Have you ever had to deal with a broken relationship? If so, please provide the details of
82. What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be?
83. What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be?
84. Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.)
85. How did you get to know them?
86. Why are they your friends?
87. What do you like most about them?
88. What will your relationship with them after marriage be?
89. Do you have friends of the opposite sex?
90. What is the level of your relationship with them now?
91. What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage?
92. What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?

Marital Roles
93. Why do you feel like I’m the one for you?
94. Are there any verses that helped you confirm the decision?
95. How long did you pray about this?
96. What counselors did you ask about it?
97. Were there any hesitations? If so, what were they?
98. Do you think we’re compatible? Why?
99. Do you think of us as a team?
100. Do you think of me as the wife:
101. Behind you
102. Leading you or
103. Beside you
104. What do you feel is God’s will for our lives together?
105. How do you see God using us as a couple?
106. What do you believe are non-negotiable elements of a Christ-honoring marriage?
107. After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic
feelings verbally?
108. After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?
109. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how
should the conflict get resolved?
110. What is your understanding of a Christian marriage?
111. Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?
112. What is the role of the husband?
113. What is the role of the wife?
114. If you already subscribe to the concept of courtship, give me your definition of it.
115. Do you tend to be more of a leader or follower in life? Can you cite any examples?
116. In making decisions, what role does God’s Word play?
117. What is your attitude toward women? What is their purpose?
118. What is your view on the role of a wife?
119. What are your views on women working outside the home?
120. What are your views concerning divorce and remarriage?
121. Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should provide for a wife and family?
122. Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should protect a wife and children? How do you feel about guns?
123. How do you see your future relationship with your in-laws working out?
124. What has been your prior experience with dating and romance? Have you ever kissed or been physically intimate in any way with a girl/woman? If so, explain the circumstances.
125. What is your stand on abortion? What about in the case of rape?
126. How do you relate to children? How often are you around children?
127. What are your thoughts regarding birth control and family planning?
128. How many children do you hope to have?
129. What is your attitude toward adopting children?
130. What are your views on child training, including corporal punishment?
131. What are your views on homeschooling?
132. What are your thoughts on family worship? What would be the key attributes of such a practice in your home?
133. When you fail someone, what actions do you take to rectify the situation?
134. Are you honest? Do you ever slant the truth for your own benefit?
135. How have you prepared yourself for marriage?
136. In what ways do you think you may need to grow before marriage?
137. What does “leave and cleave” mean to you? Are you prepared to put your wife first, before all others, including your parents? Give me an example of what this may look like to you.
138. How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?
139. What is your view of Divorce?
140. Is there ever a cause for divorce?
141. Can you ever justify it?
142. Is there anything that separates a Man and Woman once God joins them together?
143. What about immorality or unfaithfulness in the marriage?
144. How would you respond to me if I notice something about a lady in relation to you that bothers me?
145. Would you listen to me if I asked you to stay away from someone?
146. What is your view of Marriage?
147. Do you consider yourself a giver or a taker?
148. How would your family and friends describe you in the above question?
149. What is your view of a:
a. Father?
b. Husband?
c. Wife?
d. Mother?
e. Son?
f. Daughter?
150. What part does each of them play?
151. What are their roles in life?

Moral Standards
152. What are your views on public swimming?
153. Do you use offensive language?
154. Do you watch television, R-rated movies? PG-rated movies? What were the last five movies you watched?
155. What kind of music do you prefer? What kind of music would you find offensive?
156. Have you ever been exposed to pornography? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.
157. Have you ever been exposed to homosexuality? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.
158. Do you currently use any type of drugs? Have you in your past? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.
159. Do you have any financial debt? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.
160. Have you ever been in trouble with the law? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.
161. What tendencies do you have toward prejudice or racism?
162. Have you ever had periods of rebellion? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances. Are there any unsettled issues with your parents?

Your Future
163. Can you describe your life purpose, i.e., how you intend to use your interests, experiences, skills, and talents to serve and glorify God?
164. What role would your wife and children play in your life purpose?
165. What role would your job/career play in your life purpose?
166. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? In 20 years?
167. Where do you see yourself spiritually in 10 years? In 20 years?
168. When the Lord calls you home, how would you like people to remember you?
169. What are your goals in life? (Long and short term)
170. Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future.
171. Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.
172. What is the purpose of the family/what will be the purpose of your family?
173. What is your life’s verse?
174. What do you feel is God’s will and calling for your life?
175. What made you come to that conclusion?
176. What were the circumstances around you that caused you to make that decision?
177. Do you remember the date or time in life that you realized God’s will for your life?
178. Are you headed in the direction that you feel God would have you go?
179. Are you totally and completely committed to doing God’s Will NO MATTER WHAT?
180. Is there anything that would keep you from following Him?
181. Are you open to God changing His will and you going in a different direction if He so chooses?
182. Is quitting or giving up an option for you?

Personal Character
183. How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now?
184. How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favor for you?
185. Do you like to write your feelings?
186. If you wrong someone, how do you apologize?
187. If someone has wronged you, how do you want him/her to apologize to you?
188. How much time passes before you can forgive someone?
189. How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?
190. How do you express anger?
191. How do you expect your spouse to express anger?
192. What do you do when you are angry?
193. What are the things that you do in your free time?

194. Who is the first on your list of priorities?
195. Second, Third …
196. What do you base those priorities on? Or why do you feel like they need to be in that order?
197. If full-time ministry is in the picture for our future and you had to choose between the church or our family being the top priority which would you choose?

198. Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment?
199. What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house?
200. Does the house have to be clean at all times?
201. What are the areas that drive you crazy if they aren’t clean?
202. What do you consider clean?
203. Do you cook or clean?
204. Will you pitch in and help out with the cleaning and the cooking?
205. What household duties do you enjoy?
206. What household duties do you hate doing?
207. Do you do Outside Chores?
Mowing, Gardening, Hedges…

Biblical Womanhood
208. On a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate the worth of a woman?
209. How do you treat women in general?
210. How do you treat your Mom or Sisters?
211. Do you do special things for them occasionally or just when you HAVE to?
212. Do you open doors for ladies?
213. Do you let them go first?
214. Do you offer to help carry things for them?
Are they to only speak when spoken to?
215. Do you feel women have a voice and are encouraged to speak their opinion?
216. Have you ever taken a woman’s advice? Can you give me an example of this?
217. How important is it to you for you to be a gentleman?
218. Have you ever raised a hand to hit or have you hit a woman before?
219. How did your Dad treat your Mom in this area?
220. When at home or in the car who does the temperature have to be set to please, you or the others in the car? How about in regards to your Mom or Sister?

Modesty and Appearance?
221. What is your thinking on these issues? Be specific where you draw the line.
222. What bothers you in the area of modesty
223. What is your definition of biblical modesty
224. What if our opinions differ?
225. Do you have Bible to back up your opinion? Is it a conviction or an opinion?
226. Are pants ever acceptable
227. What do you think about name brand clothing and emblems
228. Will you regulate your children’s clothing
229. How will you approach your wife or daughters if they are immodest

Your Family:
230. How would you describe your relationship with your family choosing 1, 2 or 3?
1. We’re best friends/ We talk about everything?
2. We’re cordial but we don’t spend large amounts of time together./ When we are together conversation is kept to a general level.
3. We are enemies. / We never speak to each other.
231. Choose these options in each of the following relationships:
With your Dad?
With your Mom?
With each of your siblings? (if you have any)
With your Grandparents?
232. How much contact do you have with your family?
233. What type of contact do you have with them?
written letters
234. How often do you have this type of contact? Daily, Weekly, Monthly, Yearly?
235. If daily, how many times a day?
236. What do you feel are your current and future obligations to your family?
237. What do you feel are your current and future obligations to my family?

Family and Children
238. What do you believe are non-negotiable elements of a Christ-honoring family?
239. Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters?
240. Do you want to have children? If not, why?
241. To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?
242. Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when?
243. Do you believe in abortion?
244. What is the best method(s) of raising children?
245. What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?
246. How were you raised?
247. How were you disciplined?
248. Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?
249. Do you believe in Christian school for your children?
250. Do you believe in home schooling for your children?
251. What type of relationship should your children have with non-Baptist classmates/friends?
252. Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?
253. What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all
their grandparents?
254. If there are members of my family that are not Baptist, what type of relationship do you want to have with them?
255. How important is the upbringing of children in the grand scheme of things?
256. How significant is it to be entrusted with the guardianship of their souls?
257. Do you want children?
258. Do you view children as a measure of God’s favor or an added blessing that He may or may not give?
259. How do you discipline children?
260. What are the duties of children?
261. What standard of excellence are they held to?
262. Where would we set expectations for them?
263. What would their education entail? (History, Science, Theology, Creation/Biology, Music/Arts)
264. How do you treat an unsaved child spiritually and practically in the context of a Christian family?
265. When does corporal discipline begin?
266. How do you begin to train infants?
267. What does play look like for children? Free time?
268. What attitudes or personality traits are held up as off-limits?
269. What words or phrases are off-limits?
270. What are the things you appreciate most about the way your parents raised you?
271. What would you do differently from your parents?
272. Who do you want your children to grow up to be?
273. How would we model ourselves to our children? Our lifestyles, traits, personalities, things we laugh at (or don’t laugh at), what we approve of, etc.
274. Do you believe in birth control? What type is O.K. to use?
275. Do you believe in abstinence?
276. How many children would you like to have?
277. Do you have a gender preference? If so, why?
278. Do you have a preference on homebirth or hospital birth?
279. Do you have a problem with nursing vs. bottle feeding our children?
280. Are you approachable in areas of child rearing or any area?
281. What is your view of discipline?
282. What is your view of Spanking?
283. How were you dealt with when you did something wrong when you were a child?
284. Do you plan on dealing with our children the same way?
285. Do you feel like it was a biblical way of dealing with the problem?
286. Were you ever spanked in anger?
287. How did that make you feel?
288. Have you dealt with that offense if any?
289. Do you have a different way in mind?
290. Would you be willing to listen to Dr. Davis’ Parenting DVD’s before and after we have children?
291. Are you willing to accept advice about parenting and ask advice of both our Parents?
292. If not, why not?

293. What is you definition of wealth?
294. How do you spend money?
295. How do you save money?
296. How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?
297. Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them?
298. Do you use credit cards?
299. Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home?
300. What are you expecting from your spouse financially?
301. What is your financial responsibility in the marriage?
302. Do you support the idea of a working wife?
303. If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?
304. Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?
305. Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?
306. What is your current job?
307. Are you punctual or late for work?
308. Do you plan on handling the finances? Would you seek my opinion on purchases before hand?
309. Do you pay your bills on time?
310. Can I see your last 4 months worth of bank statements?
311. Do you have any debt at the present time?
312. Have you had debt in the past?
313. What did you do to get out of it?
314. How do you feel about debt? Is it a bad or a good thing?
315. Do you live on a budget?
316. Are you willing to live on a budget?
317. Do you have any credit cards?
318. How many do you have?
319. How much do you owe on each of them?
320. What is your goal or purpose in owing on and paying off credit cards?
321. What determines whether or not you make a purchase? Give me some recent examples.
322. Are you a wise spender?
323. Do you consider whether or not you have the finances before you purchase something?
324. Are you a compulsive spender?
325. Do you consult anyone before making a large purchase?
326. Would you ask my opinion before making significant purchases?
327. What do you consider a significant purchase?
328. Would you rather spend money on yourself or someone else?
329. Do you spend money on others even when you don’t have the money?
330. What is the most you have ever spent on any one thing at a time?
331. Would you rather rent or buy?
332. Do you buy used or does it have to be new?
333. How do you feel about a new or used car?
334. How do you feel about making car payments?
335. Who handles the finances in your parents’ home? Your Mom or Dad?
336. Has anyone ever taught you how to handle your finances?
337. Can you balance a check book?
338. Do you have a savings account? How much is in it?
339. Are you a giver?
340. Are you stingy?
341. Are you generous with what God has given to you? To what degree?
342. Do you tithe?
343. What percentage of tithe do you give?
344. How long have you tithed?
345. Do your parents tithe?
346. Do you give above your tithe?
347. How much generally do you give above the tithe?
348. Do you give on occasion to other needs that you hear about above your regular giving? (For instance, if a missionary with a need came by would you give additionally to a need that might have been heard or do you think that you have already given to him because of giving to missions already.)
349. Are you ever stirred emotionally to give?
350. How do you handle arguments?
351. Would you be willing to go to communication classes?
352. In your family, how are or were differences settled?
353. Is your family accustomed to teasing?
354. To what degree to you take teasing?
355. Do you know when to tease and when not to?
356. Are you willing to change your limitations on teasing to suit my upbringing?
357. Can you tell me no or will you let me walk all over you?

358. What upsets you?
359. How long does it take you to get angry after something upsets you?
360. Do you have a short fuse?
361. How would you respond if someone were to tell you that you are angry?
362. How angry do you get?
363. Do you hold your anger in?
364. Do you hold your anger in until you can’t stand it and then let it out all at once?
365. Have you ever had such an angry outburst that you threw something, hit something or hit someone?
366. How do you react when something upsets you?
367. When someone upsets you do you write that person off and never speak to them again or do you go to them and try to work out the problem?

368. Are you accepting of truth (new truth) that you hear? (Whether it may be from the pulpit, from a book or from a counselor?)
369. Does God have to “knock you over the head” before you will change something in your life?
Are you hard-headed?
370. Are you teachable?
371. How would your family answer these questions about you?
372. Can you give me an example of the last time that you recognized an area that you needed to change in your life?
373. How long did it take for you to change?
374. How long ago was it?
375. How long had it been since the time before that?
376. How often do you take someone else’s advice?
377. How often do you go to the altar?
378. Is your heart tender towards God, His ways and new truth?
379. How often do you feel conviction in your life?
380. How long does it take you to deal with a problem once you recognize it?
381. Does another person that you have had a problem with have to apologize first or do you go to them?
382. Do you try to communicate and work things out with that person?
383. How often do you follow through on what you have said that you do? (On a scale of 1 to 10?)

384. Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?
385. Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage?
386. What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?
387. How do you support your own health and nutrition?

388. Do you celebrate Holiday’s?
389. If not, why not?
390. Which Holiday’s?
Christmas (Presents, Tree, Lights, Santa Claus)
Easter (Easter Bunny, Egg Hunt)
4th of July (Fireworks)
New Year’s
Halloween (Costumes)
Valentine’s Day
391. Holiday Decorations?
392. How do you Celebrate Holiday’s?
393. Were holiday’s a big deal to you growing up?
394. What was a typical holiday when you were growing up?

395. Do you think you should give Birthday Presents?
396. Decorations?
397. Cake?
398. Are Birthdays a Big Deal? Or can you take them or leave them?
399. How about in regard to future children?
400. Are Birthday Parties O.K.?

401. What is your view on having Cable T.V. in your home?
402. What is your view about watching Movies in general?
403. What is your view about Renting Movies?
404. Do you go to the Movies?
405. If not, why not?
406. How do you respond when you see a girl that isn’t dressed right?
407. Would you describe for me what you think is wrong or what bothers you about a lewdly dressed woman.
408. Would you have a Curse Free Unit?
409. Does Cursing in a movie bother you?
410. Would you set a time limit for T.V. watching?
411. What type of Cartoons are O.K. for future children?
412. Are you open to us making these decisions together?

413. Do you play games?
414. Do you have any problems with the following:
415. Board Games?
416. Dice?
417. Playing Cards? (not gambling)

Video Games or Watching Sports:
418. Do you own or play video games?
419. Do you do it in moderation?
420. None at all?
421. What happens when someone talks to you or comes in the room while you are watching a movie or playing a video game?

Thing’s I like:
422. Favorite color
423. Favorite foods
a. Desserts
b. Snacks
c. Fast food
d. Home cooked meals