176 thoughts on “Pitched Battles”

  1. First?

    Women especially won’t be comfortable here if they come from a present, or past, domestic violent background. I know, because that is what I grew up with.

    1. Do they ever get their posters, advertisements, websites, etc., grammatically correct? Yes, I chasten everyone occasionally on comments, posts, etc., (even myself, just to get “down to the sinner’s level” of course ;D :P) but for Pete’s sake! At least get your grammar right on your public adds!

        1. Wondered if you’d catch that. It’s self flagellation time, of course.

        2. I know it’s kinda nitpicky, but why is it that so many of their websites, memes, and books are so poorly edited? Almost every time a publication or something comes across SFL, there is ample material for a grammar Nazi to get a paid vacation to Kehlsteinhaus. Bad homeschooling? Kidding. Kind of.

        1. No, I REALLY let my hair down on those scheduled occurrences. ;D

    1. I hope she does her “How Much Do You Weigh” lecture again. I’ll bet that one was worth it’s weight in gold.

      1. Fundy’s are notorious for fat-shaming. It makes perfect sense to them because no thin woman has ever had her husband cheat on her or sexually abused children…oh wait…

        It is always the woman’s fault, no matter what.
        sigh

      1. “How Much do You Weigh?”

        What a horrible sermon* to target to women! So many feel shame for even being a little overweight. And this type of sermon will make them blame themselves for everything that is wrong in their marriage.

        This is just sickening!

        * Note this can’t be a sermon as it is being given by a woman (eyeroll)

    2. I understand that the honorary doctorate is a form of honor and advertising for the conferring institution (basement college), but the ridiculous part of it is the honoree who lists it as an accomplishment as if it is equivalent to an earned doctorate.

      1. For many colleges, it’s more of a form of fundraising. The price of an honorary doctorate is proportionate to the prestige of the institution.

    3. And notice that in one picture he has a full head of hair and in the other, he’s bald.

      And notice the deer-in-the-headlights look.

    4. Dear Me:

      Agreed! The photo at the top shows a guy about as happy with his marriage as I am with my own. I can tell you with all assurance, he is one, happy dude.

      Christian Socialist

      PS: … returns to gnawing rocks …

        1. Dear That Other Jean:

          Whenever there is a murder investigation, the surviving spouse is questioned first. That about sums what people need to know about marriage …

          Christian Socialist

          PS: Half-joking …

      1. Dear Christian Socialist:

        Been married to the same guy for 48 years this June. Some of those years were great, some not so much. There’s very good reason to question a surviving spouse in a murder investigation.

      1. Joe’s wife looks young enough to be his daughter. Is this is second marriage — are they HIS children?

        1. Joe is one of the best preachers I know of. Even though he is IFB he stays balanced. I have heard him from the pulpit tell folks that probably did not agree with him, that the NIV carrying preacher next door is not his enemy. I love to hear him and try to anytime I can when he is in the Winston area.

        2. My hubby is 14 1/2 years older than me. People have thought that I was his daughter, even though there’s really not enough age difference for that to be the case. More a case of good genes on my part, and prematurely grey on his.

  2. Two days doesn’t seem long enough for a good marriage seminar. Of course, it doesn’t take long to say, “husbands love your wives, and wives obey your husbands.” That should still leave room for things like women should not wear pants, earrings, makeup, and other things associated with Jezebel. Maybe get a banquet or two, maybe even three, in there somewhere.

    1. Some men-o-gawds will encourage women to wear make up by saying, “If the barn needs painting”…cause women love being compared to a barn.

      I remember back when my former Fundy pastor used to refer to rebellious women as heifers. Yea, heifers. Church members who were not there in the early days of his ministry sometimes deny this fact, because he has since learned to tone down his obvious disrespect for women. But I was there, and I certainly remember.

      1. Well then, I guess I would be a heifer 🙂 Although, I prefer mischievous pixie most days. All joking aside, that’s awful that he would say things like that.

        1. Well, a video of him referring to non-virgin brides as “filthy dishrags” was recently featured on SFL, so apparently he has not really changed all that much. Still a vulgar misogynist.

        2. A woman is a “Filthy Rag” if she is not a viron on her wedding night!?! What about a man? Don’t you just love and admire these wonderful Fundamentalist (Double-)Standards?

        3. Dear SFL Reader:

          It could do fundamentalism some good if every time some Miserable old Goat made a misogynist statement, people across the congregation shouted ‘a-hole.’

          Christian Socialist

        4. Yes, I agree! They should all shout ” A-Hole!” and walk out en masse, taking their coveted tithes and offerings with them.

  3. Bitched Pattles – paddling your wife is the answer – our pastor would tell the story 3 or 4 times a year of how he spanked his wife when they were first married . Of course with her sitting right there in the auditorium.

    1. Sounds like they have some kind of kinky sex life. If he spanks, I’d be afraid to ask what else they have in their bedroom.

        1. And you might also find in their bedroom that there’s pink champagne on ice and that they’re prisoners there of their own device. And in the master’s [MOG’s] chambers, they gathered for the feast. They stabbed it with their steely knives, but they just can’t kill the beast.

        2. I bet the mirror is huge to accommodate the size of his ass. His ass is that size because his head is stuck up it.

    2. If its something sexual, by all means, they’re married, let them do what they want. But if this is to show his control over his wife and he’s advertising his abuse of his wife, he needs to be removed from the Pastorate and sent to prison.

      1. Problem, these are INDEPENDENT churches and there are no controls in place above the MOG and his hand-picked “Board of Trustees.” Only the MOG can remove himself.

      1. I doubt it. If she wasn’t fully submitting to her husband by now, he would still be spanking her.

    3. I remember how embarrassed I used to feel as a teenager whenever someone would tell stories from the pulpit about spanking their kids. Expounding on a Bible passage from Proverbs was one thing but making it personal took it to a level of embarrassment that I was uncomfortable with. I can’t imagine how embarrassing it would be had a speaker spoken about his wife that way.

      1. PW:

        My former, former, former fundy CEO (who shall here remain nameless, because everyone her knows who he is) brought a raggedy Ann doll to church and demonstrated on her how to properly spank a screaming, wailing child so as not to “spare for her crying.”

        Of course, the appropriate 5/8″ dowel rod was the instrument of choice. The rod had all the appropriate verses inscribed with a thick coat of varnish so as not to tarnish the passages.

        B.R.1

    4. I know the wife spanking as punishment does happen. I don’t understand it at all, but I am pretty liberal in thinking that women are not domestic animals or under their husbands’ rule.

      Every time I go to the doctor these days, someone asks if I am concerned about domestic abuse. I say “no” but I’m really thinking that if there was domestic abuse done to me, it wouldn’t be ME who needed the help!

      1. “… I am pretty liberal in thinking that women are not domestic animals …”

        Methinks your threshhold for calling something “liberal” is not very high.

  4. im sure there will be a seminar about not being worldly and the reason your marriage sucks is because you have a tv in the house.

    Of course making an ad that looks like a ufc banner isn’t wordly at all.

  5. So this is a cage match between Kidd and Arthur? See, that would be worth seeing. I wouldn’t pay to see it but it would be worth seeing, especially if they beat the snot out of each other. But from the looks of it neither are probably capable of getting their hands dirty.

    Incidentally, my parents’ wedding anniversary is March 13th. They’ll have been married 34 years.

    1. My parents have been married 63 years and counting, largely because they never took any advice from people like Kidd and Arthur.

      1. Yes!

        My dear wife and I will celebrate 20 years this year.

        I would not go to “Dr.” Kidd for marriage advice, seeing as how in his “comedy” routine, he accused his wife of being unfaithul to him with a rat. No respect for his wife at all.

    2. My Father died on 13 March 2005, 10 years ago. My mother is still alive. That marriage lasted 53 and a half years.

    3. Mom and Dad are only at 53 years. 31 for the missus and I. Uncle Roy and Aunt Julia were at the 72 year mark when my uncle passed. I can assure you that they didn’t go to Fundy seminars, and had they known who Kidd is, would have ignored him anyway.

      They were believers, but definitely not Fundy. I wish I had known them better.

      1. I miss Dad. In a way, he still lives, because I see him every time I look in the mirror, and hear him every time I speak.

        1. I had such a complicated relationship with my Dad. I miss him, too. I miss the man who was fun loving and taught us a love of the outdoors in all weathers; the man who took us camping beyond where the roads go and sat with us around campfires with his harmonica, who could grow anything that grew and was stronger than any man I knew until he got sick well into his eighties. I do not miss the man religion and childhood abuse made him part of the time. He was a perfect example of the way Fundamentalism teaches people, in my experience especially men, to compartmentalise their lives. When he was in his Fundy mode he was abusive, cruel, demeaning but mostly afraid of judgement and sure he was going to hell. I believe he suffered from PTSD. He was in the Navy during WW2 and survived awful things and saw worse ones. I miss him, mourn the good in him and am still learning to forgive him.

  6. You know who the biggest threat to my marriage is? It’s ME. It isn’t Satan, it isn’t media, it isn’t libruls, it isn’t anything but me and my selfish sin nature that makes it hard to honor my wife before me and not to provoke my children to wrath. Fix ME and none of the other stuff has any effect.

    1. That’s nuanced, honest, realistic and true. Don’t bother signing up for the this event, you aren’t welcome with that kind of attitude.

    2. Refreshing! You obviously haven’t majored in advanced blame-shifting, which I’m sure Drs. Kidd and Arthur are pros at–always find a way to blame it on the woman.

      1. You being a homo is the biggest threat to marriage. All marriages. Don’t you pay attention? 😉

        I hope you know I am joking.

  7. From the advert this looks like one of those, ”We’ll rent you the whole seat but you’ll only need the edge of it,” events, not.

  8. It’s the Ignite Marriage Conference.
    As in, pour a flammable liquid all over marriage and then hold a match to it.

      1. Ok I did some math. Phil Kidd says he was called to preach in February 1978. So to preach 15,200 messages he would have to average 7.9 messages per week for the last 37 years (or 1927 weeks). No breaks, no vacations, no sick days, no family days (probably better for his family), no missed or cancelled meetings.

        Methinks his numbers might be inflated. Perhaps he counts each person in the congregation as one or he counts every time someone buys a CD as one.

        1. You know how with a Tibetan prayer flag, every time the wind flaps the flag, it counts as a prayer sent up to heaven?

          Well, Phil has a sermon written on each of his Mixed Martial Arts gloves (under the Confederate flags), so each time he swings his fist, it counts as him having preached one more time.

      1. Reminds me of an old Benny Hill skit–

        Husband: “You! Old, fat, ugly! Mother of five!”

        Wife: “You! Old, fat, ugly! Father of two!”

  9. When my marriage is in shambles, I put my gloves on and set that shit straight. With the strength of a thousand grizzlies I get it done.

  10. Since MMA is a women’s sport also, the attempt to make this male exclusive and/or female threatening as a slight is deflated by actual reality.

    It’s obvious this is about fighting the devil or some other source of temptation to keep the marriage together, not a seminar on how to beat your wife. (still lame in any case)

    The real issue is Phil Kidd. No sane person would take marriage advice from the most biblically illiterate person in America. No person since David Hyles has been more hypocritical then Phil Kidd.

  11. So according to Phil Kidds website he runs an MMA camp. Maybe he’s going to show couples how they can wrestle their way to happiness.

  12. I was just looking at the brochure. WOW! I didn’t even realize AOL still existed, much less that anyone still had an AOL email account.

    1. The grammar and syntax errors in the brochure will drive any of you grammarians nuts. STAY AWAY!

      My favorite is “Phil are a parent.”

    2. Here is a dinosaur with AOL. The service is good, and they have great cyber protection features. All for better enjoyment of SFL!

    3. Lol, I’m a remodeling contractor and had emailed a bid to an AOL address. The potential client didn’t get the bid because her husband “didn’t pay the AOL bill” and they couldn’t get online.

        1. My understanding is that the internet is actually on that CD, and if you lose it, no one will have the Internet.

        2. I better put a firewall on it then. Do you know where I can buy one of those? Radio Shack perhaps?

      1. Perhaps it’s for the new widows who had good aim with a cast-iron skillet when their husbands tried to put Kidd’s principles into action.

  13. How come under the photo of Joe Arthur, pictured with Mrs. Arthur, who I take it is his wife, it says, “and his son and daughter”. His? Not theirs?

    1. Maybe Phil won the kids in an MMA match somewhere, and they are basically just his, plus he hasn’t renamed them yet…..

  14. The poster is designed for men, but you know that most of the information (a.k.a. “blame” or “commandments”) will be directed for the women. If they really were interested in a true marriage seminar, the poster would reflect an equal balance for men/women.

  15. The cost? It isn’t $50. Add on an $80 room charge, plus tax. The add meals out for two for two days.

    Not cheap. And of course, there will be encouragements from the pulpit to “treat her right” which means expensive ( well, not so much if you don’t tip ). Some people in financial straights will regret going.

  16. Im trying to rase support to attend this confrance becuse Im still not merried and need to know how to find me a submisive wife. The KJB says that a wood wife is hard to find but in these last days fits neer impossible for a preecher to find his helpmate. Dr Kidd is a grate preecher and I wuldnt be where I am today without him. Im hoping he remember the last time we talk and he can point me toward a yung lady in the congregatern that wants to get merried and have babies. Im frade that the Rapture will happen any moment now that ISIS is in the Middle East. There over there burning and terring stuff up and Bablon (thats Iraq) the grate is burning just like the John The Apostle rote in the KJB in the Book of Revlations. All the nations of the world are weeping over the grate destructon and I believe the Beest will soon show his face and then the angle will blow trumpt and it will be too late for me to fully exercise dominon as man was ment to over the earth, with helpmate at his side. Pray for me as Im feel very discoraged. I hope I can rase the funds to attend this confrance becuse then I will be able to see all the other prophets in these hard times that have not yet bowed the knee to bale and my spirits will be lifted up as wings of an eagle and my loins be girded to due battle with sin and wrong. Amen and amen.

    1. Phil, you give me hope for the future (and present) of the great IFB movement. (I took the black lab out a while ago and she, too, had a great movement.)

      If you set up a “Gofundmefundies” account for your expenses to attend this important conference I will give my 10% bless god.

      1. Dr. Phil said “wood wife”? lololol

        I’d blame it on spellcheck but it doesn’t explain the rest of his post.

  17. I wish this machismo bullshit was strictly within the borders of Fundystan. It’s not uncommon to hear rants about church emasculation and how today’s modern church doesn’t fit with how men naturally are, and then to hear the same people telling the unchurched and “nones” that they should get over it. That church isn’t about them.

    You can’t have it both ways, manly men.

  18. “bow to your sensei…BOW TO YOUR SENSEI”

    My name is Kidd, and if you study with my eight-week program, you will learn a system of self-defense that I developed over two seasons of fighting in the Octagon. It’s called Kidd Kwon Do!

  19. Schaap on skipe from the big house…”It’s Always the Woman’s Fault” + bonus session “Things I’ve Learned in Prison…Don’t drop the soap.”

  20. Hmmm. I get the idea there will be a long screech against “gay marriage” — as if letting two guys marry would mean Phil Kid would be forced to divorce his wife and marry a guy. No guy would want him. But his ex-wife might be happier!

    My IFB pastor once asked my opinion on a petition for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. I told him that was a way to claim you were fighting for marriage without doing a thing about it.

    If people want to fight for marriage , they should ensure that each home has what it needs in income, education, employment and health care. Most divorces have money problems as a root! They should focus on edifying communication strategies instead of hateful comments and power struggles. They should ensure no children are abused, no violence occurs in the family of any kind (physical or verbal or emotional). The goal should be the good of everyone.

    But that is too much work.

    1. Just one minute ago, I had decided to post a comment making essentially the same point. Two days worth of anti-gay screeching. I’d rather have a root canal.

    2. I’m still trying to find a gay person who thinks I should divorce my wife and marry a man. So far, no one has said that.

      (No comments, please, on whether my wife should divorce me …)

    3. Well we certainly couldn’t teach kids to go to a evil worldly college that would let them get an actual degree worth something. They might be sucked in to that demonic idea of thinking for themselves. No! We need to send them to a bible college and spend 40k on a worthless degree. Then they can struggle their whole lives to just pay the bills. Oh and the wife can’t work either. But it’s ok cause gawd will just work it out because of the faithfulness in obeying the man-o-gawd.

    1. I’d have more fun trying to castrate a wolverine in a phone booth than to listen to either of those turds.

      1. I’d much rather spend my weekend attempting brain surgery on a bipolar flea than listening to the bloviations of that pair of inbred dimwitted nimrods.
        the Admiral

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