All posts by Darrell

Sermons

Dubious Source Material: Tocqueville

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It would be a rare thing if one could have survived long in fundamentalist circles without hearing the following quote from Alexis de Tocqueville read or alluded to in a sermon:

I sought for the greatness and genius of America in her commodious harbors and her ample rivers – and it was not there . . . in her fertile fields and boundless forests and it was not there . . . in her rich mines and her vast world commerc – and it was not there . . . in her democratic Congress and her matchless Constitution – and it vas not there. Not until I went into the churches of America and heard her pulpits flame with righteousness did I understand the secret of her genius and power. America is great because she is good, and if America ever ceases to be good, she will cease to be great.

Of course there’s an ever so slight problem with this, namely that Alexis de Tocqueville never actually wrote it. I’ll give you a minute to let the fact sink in that a quote that most of us have heard approximately 9,876 times from the pulpit is simply a fabrication.

I’d go so far as to say that as a good rule of thumb, the more frequently quoted a thing is in fundamentalist circles the more apocryphal it is likely to be. Snopes is a fundy preacher’s nightmare.

Church Services

Bible Conference

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The keeping of the yearly Bible Conference shall be on thus-wise:

At such time when the spirit shall move and make utterance to you through unvoiced urges and rumblings, ye shall schedule the yearly church Bible Conference. And if this scheduling should coincidently happen to coincide with when most kids are having Spring Break that can hardly be the fault of the pastor or church leadership for the Spirit did ordain it — so don’t whine at me about it.

And the Bible Conference shall be apart and aside from the Missions Conference, and Prophecy Conference, and Women’s Conference and not overlap them. However, the speakers from those may be used again so long as they are not the women who spoke at the Women’s Conference, bless their dear hearts, for they shall instead make casseroles for the covered dish suppers that will precede each meeting.

And all church members whether great or small shall attend each and every service of the Bible Conference for the call for everyone to be ‘here and in their place’ may not be disobeyed on pain of dirty looks and being used in an awkward sermon illustration.  And each who attends shall bring his Bible for it shall be inspected by the speaker after he shall give the command “If you have your bible tonight please hold it up.”

And the theme of the Bible Conference must consist of a paring of the date and a phrase that almost rhymes with it if slightly slurred such as “Let’s Stay Awake in 1998” or “Rapture Ready in 2080.” This shall be printed upon a banner to be displayed at the front of the church building and this banner shall verily be made of tractor-feed paper along with some clip-art obtained from a pirated copy of WordPerfect.

But woe unto you if you allow the theme of the conference distract any speaker from his given mission of preaching on whatever he wants for verily we are not high-church nor to we have anything do with their kind. And the preacher shall wax long and cry aloud sparing not to leave preaching and go to meddling at every opportunity about whatsoever sin shall really have ticked the preacher off this past week.

And the last night of the conference shall be the night of awards for those who have coerced the most people to attend or memorized the most verses or have brought the best casserole . And their rewards shall be great for they shall receive a gift Bible from the church bookstore having a market value of $6.99. And it shall be revealed before the eyes of the whole congregation that this is the most the actual Bible has been involved in the Bible Conference all week.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, pp 30-31

Public Life

Illustration: The Songbird and the Crow

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In the battle of good over evil in men’s hearts and minds, fundamentalists believe that evil will triumph every single time it is encountered for more than a fleeting instant. Consider this story…

A man had two bird cages. In the one lived a melodious songbird. In the other an ugly, squawking (and notably black) crow. Influenced by some abominable whim this man decided to set the cages close to one another in order that the crow might learn to sing like the songbird. But alas after many weeks the man discovered to his consternation, horror and dismay that in fact the songbird was now squawking like the crow.

The moral of the story is that if you’re around evildoers, whore-mongers, and bearded men with wire rimmed glasses on a chain that you will inevitably grow to be like them instead of the other way around. Holiness is such a weak and wretched thing that it’s only defense is to hide itself in a hole until the end of the world and never see the light of day. Amen.