Although some fundy churches only use instruments approved by the Apostle Paul (namely the piano, organ, and occasional brass solo), some do concede that a fundamentalist may in good conscience play the guitar…as long as he takes care not to play it as the world playeth. Here “pastor” Steven Anderson demonstrates the approved strum, strum, strum method otherwise known as the “hammering out hymns technique.”
All posts by Darrell
Ministry Updates Featuring Bro. Dr. Chuck Cofty
Today we have Evangelist Bro. Dr. Chuck Cofty who demonstrates for us how to post a ministry update.
If the caps is a bit much for you just pretend that the whole thing is being bawled in your ear by R. Lee Ermey. Or Jesus. I get the impression that some fundamentalists think that they both sound a lot alike.
PASTOR SPROWLS HAS BEEN THE PASTOR HERE FOR TWENTY-ONE YEARS. WE HAVE HAD GOOD MEETINGS SO FOR THIS WEEK WITH THE OLD FASHIONED ALTAR BEING USED GREATLY. THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL CHURCH NESTLED IN THE MOUNTAINS OF CENTERAL PENNSYLVANIA AND COMPLETLY SURROUNDED BY LARGE MOUNTAINS. THE VIEWS ARE SIMILIAR TO THE PAINTINGS OF NORMAN ROCKWELL AND THE PEOPLE VERY KIND AND ATTENTIVE. WE HAVE HAD A LARGE NUMBER OF VISITORS EACH SERVICE WITH PASTOR JOHN LEATHERMAN AND MANY OF HIS FOLKS FROM HIS GOOD CHURCH IN ATTENDANCE LAST EVENING WITH PASTOR LEATHERMAN SINGING THE OFFRATORY. IF YOU ARE HEADED TOWARD PENN STATE THIS CHURCH IS JUST FIFTY MINUTES EAST. TRY IT – YOU WILL LIKE IT AND WANT TO STAY.
AFTERNOON OF THE 21ST A LADY FROM THE CHURCH WITH A THIRTY YEAR SON WHO IS A DRUG ADDICT ASK IF I WOULD MEET WITH HIM IN AN ATTEMPT TO LEAD HIM TO THE LORD. I MET WITH JOHN THIS AFTERNOON, HE SAID THAT HE HAD BEEN SAVED; I ASK HIM AND SHOWED HIM 11 COR 5:17 AND HE SAID THAT HE HAD NOT CHANGED WHEREUPON I SAID IN ALL PROBABILITY YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN SAVED. HE AGREED AND PRAYED WITH ME THAT THE LORD WOULD FORGIVE HIM AND SAVED HIM. WE WALKED BACK TO THE PASTOR’S HOME WITH JOHN NOW ON HIS WAY TO HEAVEN AND A PROMISE THAT HE WOULD BE IN THE SERVICE TONIGHT. PRAISE THE LORD!
Dr. Bro. Cofty stand out in my memory as the man who once in my hearing at Pensacola Christian College compared the ‘intelligence network’ of competing school Bob Jones University to that of Al-Qaeda. He was serious.
Speaker Introductions
And when the time shall come upon thee that thou shalt be blessed with the radiant presence of a GUEST SPEAKER then that shalt surely introduce him before the face of all the congregation that they might marvel before the greatness of his countenance and the sizableness of his church’s Sunday School attendance. This shalt thou do without fail for thou shall also be a GUEST SPEAKER someday and wilt need the favor returned.
And thou shalt raise thy voice aloud and long and tell of all the wondrous works of the GUEST SPEAKER with great praise of people he has saved, building funds he has gathered in, and liberals he has smitten with great smiting. And the people shall be suitably impressed and gather to have the word of his name writ upon their textus recepi.
And thou shalt not fail in extolling the many academic accomplishments of the GUEST SPEAKER making long mention of his degrees and accolades from various and sundry institutions of fundamentalist learning. But thou shalt in no wise use the words “unearned” or “honorary” or make mention of the fact that the greatest legitimate academic accomplishment of the GUEST SPEAKER‘s career is writing a curriculum to teach dispensationalism to 3rd grade Sunday School classes.
But whatever thou dost, leave some wiggle room in thy endorsement because thou may need to separate thyself from him someday and then thou shalt need to disavow ever really liking him in the first place.
And when thou has finished thou shalt in any wise give the invitation “Now, come and give us whatever God has laid on your heart.”
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, pp 42-43
The “Hash Chorus”
Fundy Love Day 5: God’s Sovereignty (Whether They Like It Or Not)
Some indeed preach Christ even of envy and strife; and some also of good will: The one preach Christ of contention, not sincerely, supposing to add affliction to my bonds: But the other of love, knowing that I am set for the defence of the gospel. What then? notwithstanding, every way, whether in pretence, or in truth, Christ is preached; and I therein do rejoice, yea, and will rejoice.
It’s perhaps the bitterest pill for former fundamentalists to swallow to learn to acknowledge that sometimes God sovereignly uses fundies in spite of themselves to accomplish His will in the spreading of some small glimmers truth and the saving of lost souls. Hey, if He can use Balaam’s ass…
Nobody can deny that the abuses in fundamentalism are legion and they are in no way justified even when they come from allegedly good intentions. There can be no excuse given for the battered and broken bodies and spirits of those who have run afoul of the worst that fundamentalism represents. But not all fundamentalists are of such and I’ve also received blessings given by God but passed on through scarred and stained fundamentalist hands; and so have many others.
I like to think that I’ll be with many of my fundamentalist friends and family members again someday in a place where all the errors of fundamentalist theology (and every other ism, schism, sect, and camp) will be behind us. For God is in control of each person’s destiny in, through, and out of fundamentalism. Even as my heart breaks for those who have suffered so much more than I, fundamentalism is part of the path I’ve walked and I’ve gained wisdom from my scars. That being said, the experiences of others are no less legitimate if they are different than mine and some wounds run very deep.
And so I’ll continue on laughing about the silliness, marveling at the craziness, and raising my voice like a trumpet against the harm and injustice found in fundamentalism. And I rejoice, yea, and will rejoice that whether in pretence, or in truth, Christ is preached.
This post concludes the week of fundy love. We will now return to our regularly scheduled inanity, satire, craziness, and all around good times.