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Speaker Introductions

And when the time shall come upon thee that thou shalt be blessed with the radiant presence of a GUEST SPEAKER then that shalt surely introduce him before the face of all the congregation that they might marvel before the greatness of his countenance and the sizableness of his church’s Sunday School attendance. This shalt thou do without fail for thou shall also be a GUEST SPEAKER someday and wilt need the favor returned.

And thou shalt raise thy voice aloud and long and tell of all the wondrous works of the GUEST SPEAKER with great praise of people he has saved, building funds he has gathered in, and liberals he has smitten with great smiting. And the people shall be suitably impressed and gather to have the word of his name writ upon their textus recepi.

And thou shalt not fail in extolling the many academic accomplishments of the GUEST SPEAKER making long mention of his degrees and accolades from various and sundry institutions of fundamentalist learning. But thou shalt in no wise use the words “unearned” or “honorary” or make mention of the fact that the greatest legitimate academic accomplishment of the GUEST SPEAKER‘s career is writing a curriculum to teach dispensationalism to 3rd grade Sunday School classes.

But whatever thou dost, leave some wiggle room in thy endorsement because thou may need to separate thyself from him someday and then thou shalt need to disavow ever really liking him in the first place.

And when thou has finished thou shalt in any wise give the invitation “Now, come and give us whatever God has laid on your heart.”

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, pp 42-43