And when the time shall come upon thee that thou shalt be blessed with the radiant presence of a GUEST SPEAKER then that shalt surely introduce him before the face of all the congregation that they might marvel before the greatness of his countenance and the sizableness of his church’s Sunday School attendance. This shalt thou do without fail for thou shall also be a GUEST SPEAKER someday and wilt need the favor returned.
And thou shalt raise thy voice aloud and long and tell of all the wondrous works of the GUEST SPEAKER with great praise of people he has saved, building funds he has gathered in, and liberals he has smitten with great smiting. And the people shall be suitably impressed and gather to have the word of his name writ upon their textus recepi.
And thou shalt not fail in extolling the many academic accomplishments of the GUEST SPEAKER making long mention of his degrees and accolades from various and sundry institutions of fundamentalist learning. But thou shalt in no wise use the words “unearned” or “honorary” or make mention of the fact that the greatest legitimate academic accomplishment of the GUEST SPEAKER‘s career is writing a curriculum to teach dispensationalism to 3rd grade Sunday School classes.
But whatever thou dost, leave some wiggle room in thy endorsement because thou may need to separate thyself from him someday and then thou shalt need to disavow ever really liking him in the first place.
And when thou has finished thou shalt in any wise give the invitation “Now, come and give us whatever God has laid on your heart.”
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, pp 42-43
Addendum: thou shalt ignore 1 Corinthians 1:12-13 and say under whose ministry he wast saved.
Oh, yes the listing of the pedigree. “Brother Joe was saved under the ministry of [insert big shot name here] and then served in the church of [insert name of other big shot here] as [official sounding title] before taking his own church.”
For everyone whose mind went exactly where mine went when reading this post:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOrgLj9lOwk
🙂
And lo, I sought long and strove mightily to find in the Earth a Word that would do Justice to this Post, for it was a good Post, skillful in Argument and mighty in Humour, and did cause me to quake with unceasing Laughter, but behold, in all the Earth there was none but “Awesome.”
I especially liked the bit about honorary/unearned degrees.
Very nicely written! 😆
@Amanda: Perfect! And if you listen to the commentary on the DVD, you’ll find out from the Pythons that the inspiration for the passage on the Holy Hand Grenade was interminable “nonsense” that they heard in church as kids. Kind of sad, really, but we all know where they’re coming from.
@Darrell: speaking of “Brother,” if you haven’t already done a post on addressing a man as Brother-such-and-such (but, at least in my experience NEVER addressing a woman as Sister-such-and-such), you really need to do that! It wasn’t until after leaving fundamentalism that I realized just how odd that is.
@Jordan: I don’t think I’ve seen the commentary (I will whenever I get around to actually buying the DVD, and that’ll have to wait until I get Firefly and Serenity), but that doesn’t surprise me one bit. I find it pretty ironic that Monty Python was one of the two most quoted movies by the students at my alma mater, especially considering how non-fundy friendly it is!
Seriously. But even at Bob Jones (not sure what your alma mater is, but BJ is mine) you could classify someone’s fundy-ness by what they quoted. Monty Python was widely quoted but still slightly edgy, especially when you got around to referencing Castle Anthrax. The really fundy-safe quote-source was The Princess Bride.
@Amanda I’ve heard “sister” used but really only in the South.
@Jordan: not BJ (or any of the other really big names), though I’ve definitely had plenty of BJU and PCC influence in my childhood. I’d like to retain some semblance of privacy here, so I’ll leave it at that. 🙂
Yeah, The Princess Bride was the other most frequently quoted movie. I guess I hung out with the edgier crowd, because Monty Python is what I heard quoted most often. Still, I don’t think I ever heard Castle Anthrax quoted; they normally stuck with quoting the “safer” scenes, such as the Black Knight, “not dead yet” scene, etc.
@Darrell and Amanda: I think the “sister” title is starting to fall by the wayside. I’d agree that it’s mostly Southern, but I associate its use mostly with older people. But “brother” is certainly alive and well. And I think the “wiggle room” clause in your sample introduction, Darrell, is probably the only area in which fundies like wiggle room.
Gotcha. Not that I was asking–I know a lot of people here are trying to leave things behind. I think I’ve just always coped with things like this through total disclosure. 😀
“And lo, I sought long and strove mightily to find in the Earth a Word that would do Justice to this Post, for it was a good Post, skillful in Argument and mighty in Humour, and did cause me to quake with unceasing Laughter, but behold, in all the Earth there was none but “Awesome.—
I cannot stop laughing at this! I think you may have just become one of my most favorite people on the internet. Can we be friends???? LOL
And thou shalt pass the offering plates nightly whilst guest speaker is in attendance to shew that mine church doth care greatly.
If church attendance doth dwindleth during the speaker’s stay, prepareth one’s self for a message from the pastor entitled, “Faithfulness”, following departure of guest speaker.
One’s eye must be blindeth and ear deafeth to the guest speaker’s suspect reputation of multiple marriages, affairs, abuse, and other questionable actions. The pastor and congregation will ignoreth said facts and welcome the speaker back indefinitely or until his name is no longer spokeneth from the pulpit and in the church halls.
It is highly important that one prepareth one’s self for prolonged invitations that will exceedeth one hour and “Just As I Am” is repeated over 30 times.
Tom Ferrell to a “T”!
All these are great posts, however, when there is a guest speaker in the house, that is when we get better “food”. Many years ago, an old earned doc would speak for 20 minutes. He was from Florida, not that has anything to do with it. When he spoke, you knew he was a man after God’s own heart. 20 minutes. And he spoke volumes. We had an evangelist recently, I could have sworn –oops, I don’t swear–that he was NOT a BoJo, but he was! How did that happen. For a young man, 30 something, he truly was a great speaker, HUMBLE! When a speaker is truly humble, you know it. Most are not, in my humble opinion. Opinions: something you are not to have nor speak out loud, you must only agree with those opinions of the pastor.
I’ve wondered just how many favorites or greatest influences one can have. Every special speaker is a favorite and greatest influence.
Here in the south you can just about guarantee that when “Dr. Brother O-so-holy Big-shot” from outta town mounts the pulpit you WILL hear how you are to “reverence” the “man-of-gawd” and hear what he “speaks from behind the sacred desk.” Usually you get one of these when “the self anointed man of gawd” needs his ego stroked. The greater he builds up and promotes visiting “Dr. Brother o-so-holy big-shot” the greater reciprocation he will recieve in return… so long as the “luv offerin” is making it worth his while. We all know that some “Dr. Brother O-so-holy Big-Shots” will not even darken the doors of a church unless the “luv offerin” is a guaranteed set amount… though some will do pro-bono work so they can keep saying they are “willing to do gawds work anywhere regardless of the size of the church or their ability to give. (though you can bet that in such instances the meeting before, the current meeting and the meeting after will have hefty sermons on sacrificial faith giving.)
I remember one guest speaker who preached in our morning service and he kept saying ‘tonight’ throughout his message. Apparently the message was one he used often at night during a usual ‘week of meetings’. You could tell it was memorized and rehearsed.
Also, when an evangelist is introduced, why does he always seem to run up to the pulpit as if he’s in a 50 yard dash? And why do some evangelists pray like they’re preaching?
The hierarchy I’m used to for title usage for introductions is Doctor, Pastor/Evangelist, and then Brother. Reverend, Mr., and first names are never used. And Brother is only used if the first two don’t apply.
tee hee hee. My IFB church was fairly abnormal from this kind of behaviour, but I quickly became aware of it when I got to Pensacola. Exellent post, and both @Amanda & @Jordan M Pross somehow found a way to improve an already fabulous post.
Another great post from the IBBERR.
We got a new youth director back in the 60s. Much discussion ensued about what the kids were going to call them. When the youth director’s wife heard that “Brother so-and-so,” and, “Sister so-and-so,” were the top pics, she refused. She said she wasn’t a nun.
“And thou shalt raise thy voice aloud and long and tell of all the wondrous works of the GUEST SPEAKER”
One of the may reasons I left fundywackoland. I only have one hero now and his name isn’t preceded by a “Dr”. My hero can walk on water which proves his divinity. Job 9:8 Which alone spreadeth out the heavens, and treadeth upon the waves of the sea.
I hate the worshiping of sinful men!
The guest speaker’s message is followed by the expected host preacher’s concluding remarks which resemble another sermon altogether as well as an extended invitation just in case the Spirit of God hasn’t done anything through the guest speaker.
@ Dan, my husband’s first position after college was youth and music pastor at a small rural church in IN (full-time work, part-time pay)! They called him “Brother Ben” (must have liked the alliteration), and the pastor also would often refer to me as “Sister ___”. I too used the line, “I’m not a nun!” I don’t know if it was my New England upbringing, but being called that REALLY annoyed me!
@Ron
It’s especially awkward for the pastor if no one comes forward during the guest speaker’s invitation. If that happens the pastor will usually conclude with something like, “the invitation here never ends, amen? If you need help, please see me, or one of the church staff, or I’m even sure Dr. ______ here would love to talk with you out in the lobby.” But that’s a Class B invitation which is really used to save face, because the Class A invitation (which has them weepin’ at the old fashioned altar) never happened.
@Pastors Wife. I was brought up in a fundy church in Mass. and we called all our ladies sister all the time. Maybe its just because I am so old….
I did a sermon deconstruction on a Lester Roloff sermon at BJU and calculated out that Lester and BJIII they spent about 5 full minutes of the sermon time praising each other. That’s in a 28 minute sermon. So about 18 percent of the sermon was slavish tribute.
@ Dave, I’m getting up there myself! 🙂 I suppose one might hear the “brother” and “sister” used anywhere because we’re all part of the same family in Christ. Still, though, I don’t call my blood sister “Sister Amy.”
i’ve said it before, i’ll say it again: please tell me that the “independent baptist book of everlasting rules and requirements” actually exists. and if it does, please sell it to me immediately. if it does not, please write it immediately so i can buy it immediately.
don’t hide this under a bushel, no. let it shine.
@Reader Mo You’ve once again hit a grand salami in my book! I definitely would like to get a copy of that book (am willing to photocopy it at an IFB church copier if necessary — disregarding any copyright laws as necessary).
that photocopier deserves a post of its own
@Darrell, I’m losing my touch w/ the IFB world. I think the correct 1611 English is still XEROX, even though that’s a copyrighted term, it doesn’t apply to xerox machines that are doing the Lord’s work.
What Reader Mo said. You have GOT to write that book!
But before giving this extended introduction, thou shalt open with the words, “Our speaker tonight needs no introduction…”
Oh, please post on the photocopier issue!! Arrgh.
Seriously–don’t know how many times I heard that prefacing a ten-minute verbal CV.
And yes, we definitely need a post on the photocopier. Lots and lots of memories of that godlike apparatus from my childhood in a fundy church and elementary school.
I remember the school I went to one day had a sudden realization they’d been violating copyright w/ the copier for ever and they put a note on the copier to make sure you weren’t violating copyright. I’d LOVE to see a photo of a sign like that on a copier. Surely someone out there has such a photo! 🙂
@diachenko: spot on! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that one!
@Rob: at least they (eventually) got enough of a conscience about it to post a sign. Darrell, you have got to do a post on this!
“And the people shall be suitably impressed and gather to have the word of his name writ upon their textus recepi.”
Don’t know how I missed this comment until now, but somehow I did. I remember those lines after the sermon!
@Rob: I’ve seen signs like that on public photocopiers, so that’s hardly unusual. Copyright violation is hardly unique to fundies, though they do seem to do so at a higher rate than the general population.
This may be slightly off-topic, but one of my pet peeves is the evangelist who in his quest to demonstrate the wonderful miracle-working transformation that getting saved had on his life, proceeds to launch into lengthy anecdotes about all of the ‘funny” stuff that happened when he got drunk. These stories go on for 10-15 minutes and never fail to evoke much laughter from the congregation. My main objection is that there are always young people in the audience who may conclude that it is perfectly ok to sow some wild oats before finally settling into the boring life of their parents.
@Amanda gotcha, hadn’t looked for them on public libraries. I know the lax copyright concern growing up to my having had no problem using napster for several years, and seems incredibly like one of those things a church shouldn’t have to post cause stealing is so ingrained as wrong, rather than posting it as essentially a formality/disclaimer so that when someone gets caught having violated copyright the church isn’t also held responsible.
Oh my goodness. This seems to be an epidemic because fundies have no shortage of honorary degrees, busses run or “souls” saved. Even if they don’t have a degree a many “souls” or many busses they can make it up to make the managawd sound more important or spiritual. It’s all to maintain the mythical presence of there being a great divide between we peons sitting unspiritual and unaccomplished in our chairs to be educated and liberated by the mere words of the one being introduced.
I loved (in a sick, twisted way) these loooooooonng intros for chapel at my college. It didn’t matter where they were from, or what they had done, if the person intro-ing didn’t know what to say they always had the old standby’s – “scratched off a place,” and “knocked on doors,” and “punched holes in the darkness.” They may be super narrow, but bless God they’re faithful!