Commandments Concerning Yultide Cheer
When it shall come to pass that the calendar shall have flipped through another year and thou shalt find thyself again in the Christmas season that thou shalt then with all diligence and steadfastness of thy heart and bowels. For we all know that naughtiness is rewarded not with coals in thy stocking but with the never-dying coals of perdition. Therefore watch out to abstain from pouting, crying and all the rest of the deadly sins.
And of thy Christmas presents we have only this commandment: that thou allow no toy that is worldly, no song that is current, no movie that is recent, no clothes that are fashionable, no drinks that are alcoholic, and no electronics doodads which can be used in the pursuit of lust, laziness, or lighthearted tomfoolery. In short, thou hadst better just stick to shopping at the church bookstore. Missionary biographies are 50% off.
But of the decorations of thine house thou shalt allow no trace of the papist Nicholas or his little-folk spawn for such is rank idolatry and in very bad taste. As for the other false gods of Rudolph, Frosty, The Grinch, and Tiny Tim we ask “why are you watching Christmas specials instead of attending Wednesday night service and Thursday visitation?” For shame.
So it is our wish that thy days be merry and bright and don’t forget that the cantata “Billy Dies Again (And Everybody Else Gets Saved)” Will be in place of our even service on Christmas Day and yes there will be two services on Christmas Day and I can’t imagine why you would think that’s a problem unless you have a hard and rebellious heart which coincidentally is what gets Billy killed twice so you won’t want to miss it.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p. 1225 (2512 in the European edition)