Doctrine

Non-Charismatic Divine “Leadings”

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rushhourIndependent Baptist proudly stand against charismatics and all their happy-clappy hand-raising praise-and-worship mumbo jumbo. They also firmly state that the time of God’s direct revelation through sign gifts is at an end and that God only talks to us now through the Scriptures as illumined by the Holy Spirit.

The exceptions to this rule would be those times when He reveals to a fundamentalist that they should take an alternate route home to avoid a car crash or that they should marry a specific person or perhaps that they should give their last ten dollars in the offering since there’s a yet undiscovered envelope of cash in small unmarked bills waiting in their mailbox at home.

These revelations are excused as being non-verbal ‘urgings’, ‘leadings’, and the like but NOT actual words or voices like those crazy Pentecostals. How one can get specific driving direction from a non-specific urging is a bit fuzzy.

God no longer gives us extra-Biblical revelation — but he does tell fundies things that are specifically about their situation that are strangely missing from the pages of Scripture.

education, Music, Sermons

Preaching Contests

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scorecardsEven though the school year is still early in the Fall semester, things are already heating up in the annual Ebenezer Baptist College  sermon contest with preacher boys looking forward to smiting their opponents on the church platform.

This year sees two formidable contenders emerging from the field of expository behemoths: Reginald “Reggie” McDonald, a pastoral ministries senior from Wichita, Kansas and Zedekiah Hosea Buckwalter, a missions major from Flint, Michigan. With such a strong matchup there’s likely to be more than a little blood, sweat, and tears shed on the oak wood of the  sacred desk.

“It’s all about crafting the perfect words,” said Buckwalter in a recent interview with Preacher Boy Monthly. “I’ve been working on my delivery ever since my freshman speech devotional and it’s almost perfect now.”

But Reggie disagrees about the method. “It’s not about delivery, it’s simply a matter of how much of the Holy Spirit you have,” argued McDonald. “Other than maybe the pastor himself, nobody on campus has as much of the Holy Spirit as I do. That’s just a fact.”

Neither contender would reveal the content of their sermon, although historically sermons on sin have always been favored in the contest. “A little lust goes a long way in a sermon,” explained a Bible faculty member who asked to stay anonymous, “Preaching on sin takes less preparation overall and as long as you stay on familiar topics like adultery, alcohol, and abortion, it’s easy to get the audience responding to you too. It also gives the preacher a chance to yell. Volume is always good for a few easy points.”

As always, scouts from major Baptist churches around the country have been  attending the semi-final “preach-offs” to recruit fresh talent. First round draft picks are often immediately placed as head pastor of a mid-sized congregation, while later picks are inevitably forced to start as volunteer assistant youth ministers and part-time Christian school gym teachers.

Thanks to Bill for this reminder of a piece that I wrote some time ago.

Uncategorized

Preacher Boys

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preacher-at-pulpit-copyPreacher boys occupy the lowest rung on the fundamentalist ministry ladder.  Above them are the youth minister, Sunday School superintendent, music minister, associate pastor, senior pastor, and finally, pastor of the church that runs the bible college where the senior pastor got his degree. Below them is everybody else.

There are not many qualifications for being a preacher boy other than having had the call to preach — a mysterious and mystic experience wherein the preacher boy transforms from being one of the regular Joes who merely go to church to being one of the chosen few who get to scrape gum off of the bus seats first thing each Monday morning. The call is also accompanied by an affinity for wearing dark suits, carrying gospel tracts in a  front shirt pocket, and begging for chances to preach at every possible opportunity. Since there is no age requirement, anyone from thirteen to ninety-three is welcome to take up the mantle and the gum scraper.

Preaching is, of course, the natural goal of all preacher boys and they do it with vigor at every possible opportunity.  Friends, family members, co-workers, and even random people on the street become test audiences for a fledgling preacher’s forrays into the exciting world of crying aloud with a voice like a trumpet.  As a last resort groups of preacher boys will even practice preaching at each other, even though they all know that they don’t really need it.

Someday, when the time is right and the door opens,  some of these fine young men will actually enter full-time ministry. For the others, there’s always insurance sales. After all, they’ve already got the suits.

Thanks to John for the topic idea.

Books

Censorship

27 Comments

If you’ve ever visited a school library, opened a copy of Time magazine and found this:

editedelvis

Chances are you have been a fundamentalist.

(Unclad bodies are only permitted to be viewed in very expensive religious art galleries.)

Doctrine

Perceiving Spiritual Warfare In Common Events

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brokencar

Satan’s attacks are a constant topic among fundamentalists, with any number of naturally occuring events being perceived as the direct work of the Evil One.

Perhaps these claims of spiritual warfare are familiar…

“After living a life where I consumed fatty foods every day and never exercised, Satan has attacked my body and given me high blood pressure and heart disease. The devil also made me put my wallet through the washing machine this morning.”

“I was walking down dark alleys alone with ten dollar bills falling out of my pockets when a couple of thugs (who I could tell were demon possessed by their punk rock t-shirts)  mugged me.”

“I haven’t changed my oil or had a tuneup to my car in 10 years. Then today on my drive to work, Satan attacked my car and it broke down on the side of the road. He also had sneakily drained my cell phone battery so I couldn’t call for help.”

The devil is evidently a very clever sort who disguises a lot of work as the natural result of human folly. Subtle indeed.

A silly blog dedicated to Independent Fundamental Baptists, their standards, their beliefs, and their craziness.