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Church Basement Bible Colleges

diploma2Have you ever run into a pastor who’s Doctor of Divinity diploma on the wall bears the name of “Baptist Bible Temple School of Fundamentalist Theology and Textus Receptus Studies”? Have you wondered where and why such a school might have started? You’re not alone.

The idea that fundamentalists are “anti-intellectual” is a myth. Fundies are very concerned with education provided that it is the right education. Therefore which college a person picks is a matter of paramount importance to their life and career in fundamentalist circles.

Why travel all the way to foreign locations like Greenville, South Carolina when you can stay right at home and learn all the theology you need from your very own pastor who is himself a graduate of a very fine college in a very large basement. There’s no need to be troubled with lots of reading and differing opinions about things like eschatology. There’s only one opinion that’s the right one and that’s all you need to know.

The basement Bible college also has an important second use: it can grant diplomas to all its own church staff and other people who are the pastor’s friends. An honorary doctorate in soul-winning costs so little but it’s a great return on investment in terms of prestige.

The Trail of Blood

trail

You know that annoying kid in school who loved to brag about how General Lee was his great-great-great-great uncle’s second cousin twice removed? When that kid grows up to be a fundamentalist, he’ll probably be a huge fan of the the book The Trail of Blood.

Baptists as a denomination have only been around for about four hundred years — Independent Fundamental Baptists for considerably less. This short existence has created a certain amount of envy of other traditions who have been around for a lot longer and have an impressive pedigree that claims members all the way back to the Apostles. Inevitably, something had to be done to bolster up Baptist prestige, and that something was this book detailing “The History of Baptist Churches From the Time of Christ, Their Founder, to the Present Day.”

Now in order to make this impressive family tree, the author was forced to bring together some very strange bedfellows indeed. Cathari, Donatists, Novatians, and a lot of others were evidently all Baptists. Not fundamentalists, of course, because they didn’t have the KJV yet, but ancient paintings do conclusively prove that they did in fact have established bus ministries, so it’s obvious they’re related to fundamentalists today. And nobody would be more surprised than they to learn it.

So do not be dismayed by Roman Catholics who claim to have leaders reaching back to Peter. Fundamentalists have roots that go back all the way to Genesis with Diklah the son of Joktan and they’ll show you the charts to prove it.

Pastors Wives Who Play the Piano

pianoThere are a few rules for those women who would be the wife of a fundamentalist pastor. They must look good in jean jumpers; they must have an aptitude for teaching children’s Sunday School; and they must play the piano.

One cannot over-emphasize how important that last requirement is. Not only does it give a church the chance to grab a two-for-one deal on church staff, but the church can also press the pastor’s wife into service as the music teacher at the ubiquitous Fundamentalist Christian School. Not to mention the many command performances at weddings, funerals, and church picnics as well. Free ministry labor is priceless.

On the other side of things, a pastor with a piano-playing wife can always be assured that his personal music standards will always be upheld in the services. “Honey, you need to tone down that left hand in Honey in the Rock. It’s getting a little carried away.”

Until fundamentalists break down and start using pre-recorded music or (horrors!) a band, there will always be a need for pianists. Until then, pastors wives will indubitably be asked to stand in the gap — or at least sit in it on a piano bench.

Single Lady Missionaries

maryslessorFundamentalists would never let a woman preach in one of their churches. Some won’t even let women speak from the church platform. Yet strangely enough, women missionaries like Isabel Kuhn, Mary Slessor, and Amy Carmichael are highly praised in fundy circles.

It would seem that there is an unwritten rule that goes like this “A woman must never, never ever have spiritual authority over a man unless that man lives in a remote part of the world and has skin at least two shades darker than her own.”

It’s a fair guess that if the lady missionary in question were from Africa and her work involved instructing men in Raleigh, NC she would probably not make it into the fundamentalist hall of fame.