162 thoughts on “Revival in your B.M.”

  1. And it’s possible I’m first (far be it from me to boast except in my infirmities). If so, I will take my butt cushion. And if Natalie doesn’t mind doing a little alternation on it, I would be pleased if she could turn it into a butt cushion toilet seat. For future BM revivals. Thank you.

      1. Maybe you meant to say “Altar-nation”
        An American sub-culture where folks gather to:
        -Worship at the M-O-g’s feet
        -Wail over their sore toes
        -Wallow in a revived BM.

        1. Don, this gives me an idea for an IFB youth campaign:

          [Cue dramatic music and James Earl Jones voiceover]

          We are a peculiar people. Strangers in a strange land. We dress funny. We act funny. We talk funny. We are separated from the whole world, and we don’t give a rip. Instead of enjoying life we work ourselves silly trying to earn God’s favor. We are the original alternative lifestyle. The world calls us odd. They are not worthy of us, for we are . . . .[DUM DUM DUM] . . . Alter Nation!

    1. “I would be pleased if she could turn it into a butt cushion toilet seat.”

      Hmm. Only the Deacons have those (they seem to have the most use for it).

      1. Perhaps we can work out a compromise? Would you really just flush all my hopes and dreams down the drain? I promise, cross my fart hope to die, I PROMISE to use it wisely.

  2. Wow. Our pastor would get really upset whenever anyone quit the b.m. (didn’t happen often). It was good for at least 4 weeks of sermons about being faithful to your ministry unto death.

      1. Yes, and the churches he visited had the same problems that any large group of people (non-believers) would have – of course fundies won’t admit that.

        1. But… but… the Holy Spirit changes and fixes people, provided your give them the proper intimidation and guilt from the pulpit.

  3. 3 cups of coffee is all I need to get me some revival in my BM.

    When I read that guys twitter feed I make another pot, otherwise I get backed up!
    #oldpathsbmrevival

    1. ok, sorry just went back and put the bus ministry with the b.m. for some reason I didn’t connect the two at first. I only had one cup of coffee this morning. Going back for another cup now.

        1. That reminds me . . . a few years ago I was watching the traditional Army-Navy football game. The teams had replaced the player names on the jerseys with some meaningful phrase as a way to promote some virtue or virtues they stood for. Army’s (I think it was Army, no matter) had this famous quote from Gen. MacArthur, “Duty. Honor. Country.” I had never thought much about it before, but then it hit me. Go ahead, say it slowly, with comprehension.

        2. This Fundy Tweet really cracks me up, because my mother always referred to that particular bodily function as a “B.M.” (probably still does, although I haven’t talked to her about that subject lately).

          Nico, that Army slogan is priceless. They should have said it out loud before they had the jerseys printed up.

    1. ‘Revive us again, fill each fart with thy love
      may each seat be rekindled with fire from above
      Alleluia, thine the glory, Alleluia, Amen
      Alleluia, thine the glory, Revive us Again!’

  4. One of the ways I help move this along is by providing complimentary Activia to all bus passengers.

    Specialists at Dannon designed Activia to contain an exclusive probiotic culture, called Busministirius Regularisยฎ (Bifidobacterium lactis DN-173 010). Busministirius Regularis has been shown to survive passage through the digestive tract in sufficient amounts for Activia to help regulate the revival system when consumed weekly for at least 2 months. Once the two months are up, you will need to make sure to have buses with onboard toilet facilities, as well as high volume air handling systems in order to provide comfort during B.M. Revival road trips. Stops at regular intervals to drain the grey water tanks are vital, also important to note that drive-through visits to Indian takeout restaurants have been known to intensify and prolong the effects of Activia on B.M. Revival festivities. It is usually best to plan the musical part of the revival service for the back end and keep the horn section pretty hot in the mix.

    Also remember that long B.M. Revival transit is not necessarily pathologic and corresponds to the upper limit of normal transit time: approximately 48 to 72 hours, but it can be as long as 120 hours. Transit time exceeding 120 hours is generally diagnosed as spiritual constipation.

    1. I almost sprayed dinner. That was absolutely hilarious. Thankfully, I grew up in a fundy-lite church that didn’t have bus ministry.

        1. What?! That’s like hiding your little light under a bushel. Don’t let Satan phooooof it out! Let it shine till Jesus comes, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

        2. nico — I just had the best mental scenario play out: it involved that song, chick tracks and knocking on stall doors in the public restroom

    1. I hated reading the KJV with teenagers when my husband was a youth pastor because of verses that referenced bowels being moved with compassion or (of course) ass. *giggle, giggle, snort, guffaw* “Pastor, please let us use the NASB this week.”

      1. Reminds me of the time in youth group that we read a verse that had the word “purloining” and everyone thought it meant something sexual.

        1. That creates some, er, unusual mental imagery when you talk about purloining an inanimate object, as in Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Purloined Letter.”

    2. And as Martha said of Lazarus, “Lord, by this time he stinketh.”

      I wonder if the text for the BM Revival lesson is Exodus 29:18: “. . . it is a burnt offering unto the LORD: it is a sweet savour, an offering made by fire unto the LORD.” Or maybe that verse in Acts about the first Pentecost, the coming of the Holy Ghost as of the sound of a rushing, mighty wind.

      Bless God, I feel it coming on, a burnt offering revival fire is a-kindling deep within my soul and I just can’t contain it.

  5. Darrell: “Do any of you need a revival in your B.M.?”

    If I did, I certainly wouldn’t be offering lectures about it to the church-going public!

  6. If you want a serious, hell-fire-and brimstone BM revival, go to amazon.com and read the comments for the 5lb bag of sugar-free gummy bears… or if you’re really spiritual, order them.

    A friend told me about that; I was laughing so hard that I was falling out of my chair.

    I’d post a link, but I’m not sure; just look for “5 lb bag sugar free gummy bears”

    1. Well, I *think* that you are not supposed to eat the entire five pounds at once. But perhaps I am mistaken.

        1. Hmm. I am skeptical because I ate an entire pound once and I got blocked up. (Okay, so that’s TMI, I know, but you brought it up!)

      1. I’m kind of fascinated by the list headed “Customers Who Viewed This Item [the Land Cruiser] Also Viewed.” It includes “The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China,” “Fresh Whole Rabbit,” one gallon of whole milk, “David Hasselhoff– Looking for… The Best,” “Uranium Ore,” “Large Vinyl Gender Neutral Asian,” and much more.

        Except for the milk, it’s like someone hacked into my personal shopping list.
        By the way, who gets their milk from Amazon.com?

    2. That set of product reviews is a classic of its genre. The manufacturer can’t be happy that it’s one of the first things to come up when you Google “sugar-free Gummy Bears.”

    1. I’m going to say this is VHS. Perhaps slides with audio tape accompaniment. I don’t think fundamentalism had converted to DVD before his death.

  7. Having a Revival in Your Bus Ministry: Don’t hire men who have a history of inappropriate behavior with children (even if he hasn’t actually been sentenced for it) and don’t get mad at another pastor when he warns you of a man’s history after said man leaves his church and goes to yours and volunteers to drive the bus.

    1. Exactly – our church had a bus captain who was extremely unstable (pastor knew it). Pastor saw it as “good for him” to have a ministry. It ended badly for the captain, but thankfully before anyone else was hurt – pastor never addressed the final result – pretended it never happened

  8. I’m not sure if my BM needs revival since I’ve not yet submitted my numbers to pastor. He will inspect my BM carefully, letting me know what things I could add to make the BM more energetic, interesting, successful and repeatable. We’re coming up on a big push soon, so I know there is time to get my BM right.

  9. Tonight, please turn in your Bibles to Song of Solomon, chapter five and verse four. Please stand in honor of the reading of God’s word. And I know that we do not preach from the Song of Solomon very much, but it is a love letter from GOD to his CHURCH, haymen?? And those trashy TV shows like Despicable Housewives are all about SEXUAL IMMORALITY which is why GOD no longer has his HAND on this NATION, haymen? (And so on and so forth.) But GOD is not the author of CONFUSION, haymen? (And so on and so forth.) And when I was a young preacher, someone gave me a Bible, and it said “King James” on the cover, but when I looked for Song of Solomon, they had taken it OUT of the BIBLE and put in Chanticleer!! Which is the APOCRYPHA and is NOT the King James Bible, hay-men?? I handed that Bible back and said, “don’t want it. Burn it. I read the KING JAMES because it’s the blessed hope of our glorious appearing.” We could give an altar call right now, Brother Big Gary!!!

    Well, I better read the verse because some of you are tired of standing and want to go to sleep during my message. Amen or oh me?? “My beloved (that is talking about the LORD) put his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were MOVED for him!” We know that the LORD stands at the door and knocks, haymen??

    Father, bless the reading and the preaching of your word and the souls that will be saved tonight, amen. You may be seated.

    Tonight, I want to speak to you about things that move my bowels. Are your bowels on the move for the LORD?? As the great Dr. Jack Hyles used to say, “you are either moving or you are sitting down.” Amen! And Bob Jones has gotten real liberal in these last days, but there WAS a DAY when they STOOD for the truth!! And Dr. Bob Jones the First used to say “moving will get you somewhere but standing still never will!” And the great John R. Rice founded Sword of the Lord. And some of you need to quit reading your horoscope and looking at the underwear ads in the local paper and subscribe to the Sword of the Lord. Dr. Rice said in a camp meeting that we preached together and 5,000 SOULS were saved, so we called it the feeding of the 5,000!! He said, “God is sitting on his throne, but you aren’t GOD so get up and do the grunt work for God.”

    1. My Bowels are Moved for the Blessed Messiah.

    Oh Brother Scorpio, when I think of the Rapture it moves my bowels. And we will be raptured BEFORE the tribulation. (And so on and so forth.) And when I was a young man, I was living for the world and dancing and drinking and gambling. Many was the morning that I would wake up in my own filth! But then I was SAVED and my bowels were moved. Because you see, in Song of Solomon, the Greek word for “moved” means changed!! And I was changed!! Just like a mother will change the diaper on her baby and love that baby and raise him for the Lord! No longer are my bowels moved for dancing. They are moved for the Saviour!! No longer are my bowels moved for gambling. They are moved for the Lord! No longer are my bowels moved for liquor and alcohol. They are moved for my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ!!

    2. My Bowels are Moved for our Baptist Message.

    There are many churches today who are taking Baptist off their sign!! Well, you know what, if they are ashamed of being Baptist then they aren’t Baptist anyway! They might as well rip the pages out of their modern perversions and use them as toilet paper! For I am not ASHAMED of the GOSPEL of CHRIST. My bowels are moved for the Gospel!! Haymen?? The Baptist Message is Bus Ministry. The Baptist Message is Bible Missions. The Baptist Message is Believing Mommas.

    3. My Bowels are Moved for Burning Malefactors.

    When I was a boy growing up on the farm, we’d have to muck out the horse stalls. Oh, how I hated mucking out those horse stalls. We’d get hot and sweaty and dirty. And one day my brother and I were done and we started playing with matches. And I know Dr. Spook says not to let your kids play with matches, but we did and we turned out fine! And we set that ole barn on fire! And my momma finished us up with a fire in our britches! (Pause for laughter.) But the heat from that fire was like being frozen in ice compared to the burning fires of hell! And some of you are headed there and don’t even know it. You may love God and be a member of this church and tithe, and go on bus visitation, and even clean the toilets but GOD will say I NEVER KNEW YOU! You need GOD to MOVE your BOWELS tonight!!

    Well, I have many more points to this message, but some of you will be upset because the Methodists don’t have Sunday night church anymore but if they did they would have been done a long time ago. Because we have too many CHRISTIANETTES who want to hear SERMONETTES in CHURCHETTES and go home and smoke their CIGARETTES!! Well, my wife has a big pot of beans on the stove just waiting for me, so let’s close. Please stand for the invitation.

    1. You have a real talent. You should get a radio show. Or, better still, produce .mp3s we can listen to on this site. Pastor Deacon Fred of Landover Baptist Church used to do that.

    2. Glory hallelujah, Jesus done set me free of all that binds me! I no longer have any fear of the Great White Throne! Haymen!!

      Thanks also to you, DS, you’ve proven your anointing from God. May he use you to move his people to do bigger things than they’ve ever done before.

    1. Oh, yes, I find it extremely odd. But, I have witnessed updates from dead pastor’s Facebook pages with quotes. Are they posting statuses from beyond the grave?! Odd is fundy.

    2. A lonely guy sitting in a room with a video of a dearly departed preacher/teacher lecturing on bringing life to your BM? Why, I did find it odd! Also odd is the twitterer’s name, which is awfully close to “fumigate.” And the #oldpaths. (Yes, BM’s are as old as the human species, but bus ministries haven’t been around long enough to qualify in my estimation.)

    1. I don’t know about how holy shit might be, but I do know at least one very good poem about it. Have you ever read Maxine Kumin’s “The Excrement Poem”? It’s actually very thought-provoking, and has a killer last line.

  10. Wally Beebe.

    Wow, I didn’t think he was still alive. I knew his daughter, Melissa, and her husband (Hummel?) back in the mid- 80’s at Riverdale Baptist in Upper Marlboro, MD. I have no idea where they are today. Good grief, their kids must be approaching 30.

    Hey, I think he was head of the BM!

    1. I know nobody cares, but I’m going to mention it anyway.

      Melissa now works for In Touch Ministries and in obviously out of fundstan. Good for her.

      I wonder what the BM folks in fundystan would think about that? No matter, it’s really none of their business.

      1. You have a point but that would be either dismissed or explained away — that pooping is getting rid of rotten stuff and a Divine being could never have that sort of thing go on.

        1. That’s a point to consider. It seems we’ll just have to have faith that it will all come out all right in the end. ๐Ÿ™‚

      2. There’s also proof in extrabiblical sources – the book “Everbody Poops” makes the case rather strongly. BTW, the title kinda gives away the end.

  11. I wasn’t going to do this, but since I posted a video last time featuring Benny Hinn, I thought I’d give equal space to another great preacher of our time, Robert Tilton. This clip fits well with the theme of this post, I think. Watch this one with the whole family, especially if you have young boys. It will not fail to delight.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtW5upD5oW4

    1. That would require an education in science and math, and we all know that science is nothing but fables and the only math we need is Numbers, amen?

  12. After a B.M. revival do you fill out “Christian Service Report” cards?

    Instead of how many tracts handed out or how many people accepted Christ do you have to report on the BM?

    Color, Consistency, Bouquet, and Density (eg. 2 sinkers and a floater)

      1. Hey, if there’s water handy, what hinders them from being baptized. It was good enough for Philip’s Eunuch, its good enough for the offspring of my bowels

        Don, If your skid marks are as tenacious as mine after a good B.M. Revival, perhaps I could borrow your poo pouree?

  13. One method many fundies use to increase BM numbers is to offer prizes to the kids who’ve been dropped off at the pool. If you’re straining to increasing BMs, perhaps by going from a single route to route number 2, there’s no way to doo it better than with Moxie Girls Poopsy Pets. We all know that unless one trots about town with bus fliers, but rest on one’s stool instead, BMs roll downhill.

    http://youtu.be/IOBkugyNEE8

        1. The reviews of this product make good reading.
          At first look, I didn’t realize than not only does the toy pet poop multicolored pellets, but the humanoid doll is supposed to feed the pet its own excrement. Do we live in a great nation, or what?

          I like this review: “This toy is very cheaply made and doesn’t work mechanically; all the rainbow eggs are stuck in the flimsy unicorn. It’s cute but it does not do what the product description says it does.”
          This implies that it would somehow be better if it DID what the description says it does …
          I really hope that person will sue the company. I would like to see his or her lawyer explaining to a jury that the plaintiff has been ripped off by a non-rainbow-pooping plastic unicorn.

  14. Hold the intestinal fortitude! for I am coming,
    Streams of comfort flowing;
    Bowels of passion striving greatly,
    Flushed with waters glowing.

  15. I just can’t fathom the lack of awareness that could lead to such a tweet. Really, please tell me this was on purpose.

    1. The same sort of lack of awareness that had freshman at BJU wearing pins that said 1st BJ on them. At the time, I do remember a few snickers, but I naively just thought people didn’t want to wear a big button pin because it looked stupid. I had no idea about the double meaning.

      Since, I’ve often wondered if they truly had no idea, or if this was someone’s idea of a dirty joke perpetuated on innocent and trusting young Christian girls (some underage as I was still 17 when I arrived at BJU).

        1. I must say that I don’t remember the double entendre of the 1st BJ pins when I was a freshman at BJU, or the subsequent years for that matter.

          I attended BJU after six years of military service, so you’d think I’d be quite privy to such inferences. The first time I recall the references was right here on SFL. In other words, perhaps this understanding wasn’t as wide spread as some are making it appear.

          B.R.O.

      1. I was a freshman in ’94 when they did that. As big a dork as I was, I knew better than to wear a pin that removed any doubt. I never caught the entendre either, but the lack of awareness in that case was the idea that anyone would want to wear that thing.

    1. From my bowels of compassion I sincerely thank you.

      Don’t know much about soteriology, Christology, pneumatology, theology proper, hermeneutics, homiletics, original manuscripts, patristics, comparative religion, pastoral theology, ecclesiology, hagiography, hymnology, and so on and so forth.

      But I do (Oh, let me boast for a moment!) know my way around a good, god-fearing BM.

      (And it could be that I’m really a 9 yr. old boy just pretending to be a middle-aged Nico.)

  16. Beebe is now a posthumous “kawledge” professor? How does a dead man answer questions from the class? Interesting what passes as education at these Fundy “skools”.

  17. This post and these comments easily win the BEST SFL POST ever! I’m at my desk trying to not be oblivious but my body is shaking from trying to not laugh out loud. No matter how old we get potty jokes, especially in this context, are funny. Nico, your comments are hilarious!

    1. Old joke: A cannibal ate a Protestant, a Catholic, a Jew, and a Muslim, and the next morning, he had an ecumenical movement.

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