Friday Challenge: Sooooo Fundamentalist

Today’s challenge is to complete the following sentence “Your Mama/Daddy is soooooo fundamentalist that he/she…”

As in:

“Your Mama is soooo fundamentalist that she has a reserved parking spot down at the altar.”

“Your Daddy is soooo fundamentalist that his blood type is Kool-Aid.”

You get the idea.

583 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Sooooo Fundamentalist”

    1. My momma’s so fundy, she once found a blanket at our house that had a small blood stain on it (we both get bloody noses from allergies from time to time) and asked us if we wanted her to save it for us because it was our virginity blanket. After some intense confusion, I remembered that Bill Gothard and ATI taught once that the parents of Jewish grooms supposedly saved the wedding night bed clothes as proof of virginity because breaking the hymen for the first time supposedly caused bleeding. Apparently my mother never forgot this tidbit. (In reality this was all a convoluted dig at my wife and me because my parents think we had sex before we got married even though we actually didn’t.)

      1. DS, please, please, please start writing that book about your mother.

        Really old-school orthodox Jews don’t just save the bloodstained bedsheet; they dance in the street with it to announce that the bride was a virgin. Some other Middle Eastern cultures have similar practices.

        1. So what happens if there is no blood? Stoning??

          Those poor young brides being brutalized by men desparately trying to prove their wife is a virgin. It’s sick!

        2. DS, all blood looks about alike.
          To save my wife from disgrace, I would gladly stick a pin in my hand and smear some blood around. I’m sure other men would, too, and I’m sure most girls have that much sense even if the grooms don’t.

      1. My daddy is soooo fundamentalist that he unloaded his glock and totally destroyed that bottle of Nyquil and those bottles of mike’s hard lemonade, jack daniels, and Smirnoff. I’m proud to say that he took em’ out with one shot!!!! (Note: the other 50 shots were unneccesary, but were done to make a statement for all of us teetotalers) (Secondary note: Daddy also took out a wild tom turkey, one white tail doe, one elk buck, one bass, one cat in his barrage of bullets). Daddy is one fine “fundamentalist”!!!

        1. Dr. Fundystan:

          While that may be true, my daddy says that Smith and Wesson hires too many of them ‘gays and lesbians’!!!!

  1. I was going to say ‘your daddy is soooo fundamentalist that he only allows ACTUAL 1611 kjv bibles in the house’ but then I realised that no fundy would allow the apocrypha in their house.

    Ah, it’s funny.

    1. I hope our urinals at church aren’t American Standard. I don’t want any pee on the walls or floor on Easter Sunday morning, because I couldn’t stop laughing.

    1. My momma’s so fundy she used to buy my sister and her best friend matching Easter dresses because she wanted me to marry my sister’s friend and labored under the impression that making her look more like my sister (who my mother believes is perfection personified) would make me more attracted to her.

      1. It didn’t take long for me to figure out which posts were yours, DS. Everyone else’s starts as Dar-El commanded, “your momma/daddy”. Yours start with “My”. And are true, not just stereotyped.

        I’ll add my name to those asking for your book.

        1. Deacon’s Son’s mother (Deacon’s Wife?) is not *a* Fundy mama, she is *THE* Fundy Mama.

    1. My grandfather gave us one and it made my mom so uncomfortable, she hid it in the pantry and saved up to buy a dust buster, which is apparently the only mini-vacuum that pleases God.

  2. Your Daddy Is SO fundamentalist he walked up on stage during the church play to pull your shirttail back down during the “lead ’em to Jesus” scene.

    True story.

    1. I remember a liquor store in Dallas about that time proudly posting a sign at the front door saying that it didn’t sell nudie magazines or rolling papers.
      A liquor store. Almost all that store sells is liquor, beer, wine, and tobacco. But no “Playboy,” which I guess makes somebody happy.

  3. Your daddy’s so Fundamentalist that he held you under at your baptism until you *really* repented.

    BTW, Darrell, I know where you got one of your lines. *ahem* 😉

        1. Your parents are so fundamentalist, they’d never say “+10” as a compliment (and, bless your heart-thanks for that compliment), because 7 is the number of perfection. 🙂

        2. 10 is ok because 10 breaks down into primary numbers 2 and 5 and make 7, another prime number… Perfect!

        3. Meant to say that 2, 5, and 7 are three nmuber from 10; three is another prime number, and 7+3=10.

          So go ahead, 10 is just fine!

  4. Your mom’s so fundamentalist, her license plate number is “KJVMOM”

    Your mom’s so fundamentalist, she sends Joyful Life Sunday School materials to your kids instead of coloring books.

    Your mom’s so fundamentalist, she crosses out/changes the verses on greeting cards to make them match the KJV (on the rare occasion she can’t find KJVO cards, OBVIOUSLY those are preferred.)

    (But seriously, all these are true….)

        1. Mag, I made that up! I’ve never seen protesting fundies outside Good Friday services. However, I also never attended a church that had a Good Friday service until I was in my thirties.

        2. Well, good. 🙂

          And same here on the Good Friday service….I’m looking forward to it tonight. And I’d never heard of “Maundy Thursday” until my 30’s either.

    1. My parents saw PCC and BJU this way too. But they also decried the poor academics of most hillbilly Bible colleges. So, they settled on WCBC which is both sufficiently conservative AND has top-notch academics. (Snort.)

  5. Your momma is so fundy that she refused to accept the beautiful wine cooler she won as a prize at a Princess Crystal party because even though she could use it for other things (like filling it with bath beads as someone suggested) because someone might see it in her bathroom and it would ruin her testimony.

    True story. That thing was beautiful. I would have filled it with potpourri or something…. Makes me wonder why they even agreed to a party from a company that sold wine coolers.

    1. Not to mention wine glasses, champagne glasses, decanters, etc…

      My mom sold Princess House for awhile- it brought in a little money but wasn’t considered ‘working outside the home’. She also sold Shaklee, and she and I shared an Avon route when I was in high school.

  6. Your Momma s so fundy she doesn’t make deviled eggs…she makes “Trinity” eggs. -_-

    Your Daddys so fundy he calls strappy sandals/open toed shoes….”Delilah shoes”…..and he forbids you to wear them!

    1. Now I’m going to be looking for a Trinity Eggs recipe.
      After all, we have both Devil’s Food and Angel Food cakes, so why not the same for eggs? 😀

    1. I have a Pakistani SKS with a laser sight and grenade launcher. A sniper in the Finnish Army used it in the War of the Pacific. There are notches on the stock for every Aborigne killed. My best shot was putting a bullet through the center of a NASB from a distance of 2km as verified by the Uniontown, PA VFW ladies auxiliary.

    1. That was good!

      Don’t worry too much about being “naughty.” Jesus did things that tweaked the Pharisees. They were thought to be “naughty” as well.

      1. Your mom’s so fundy, she does a flannel board story presentation of the Gospel at your birthday party, and tries to lead your 6-year-old friends to say the Sinner’s Prayer.

        Took YEARS to get over the embarrassment.

  7. Your Mom’s so fundy that she yells at you for listening to the “devil’s music” in the car on the way to school because she found your cassette tape of the Cathedrals.

      1. I can’t decide between +5 or replying with “God made the fundamentalists special too and He loves them very much (even if I want to slap too many of them upside the head a lot),” so I’ll post both.

    1. I had an Acappella tape smashed because one of the male singers had long blonde hair, and they beat box in a couple of the songs. 🙂 Not surprising that I grew up to be very attracted to blonde, long-haired men (ahem, Thor?!).

      1. My family didn’t have a TV. And we thankfully do have holiday meals in a real house.

        But this is referencing someone near and dear to me (who in some ways is fundy-lite).

        1. My wife grew up having every Thanksgiving in the fellowship hall with extended family.

          Funny.

          And when it got too hot out, they used to go up and sleep in the gym because the house didn’t have ac.

          They obviously were not the pastor, but the pastor’s helper.

  8. Yo mama so fundy she bought a 15 passenger van in red and white to represent the body and blood of Christ, to transport people to church, and you had to take your drivers test in that van and failed it twice because it was like driving a $#&%*** cruiseship, so you didn’t get your license until you borrowed a normal car when you were almost 18.

    1. First time I tried to learn to drive – in my mom’s red and beige 15 passenger van – I ran into a mailbox. They got me a car to practice in after that. 15 years later I still occasionally have nightmares about having to drive that big van.

      1. Haven’t been in a school bus on Mexican roads before but I’ve been on Mexican roads before. Where I live is a bad enough place to learn how to drive. I don’t even want to know what it’d be like to learn how to drive in Mexico City.

    2. !!! My mom had a huge ’69 International Travelall. My second attempt at the license, I borrowed her best friend’s car, and passed.

      I hated that Travelall. It smelled funny, guzzled gas, and was so very uncool. But handy for hauling band students and big instruments!

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