Friday Challenge: Sooooo Fundamentalist

Today’s challenge is to complete the following sentence “Your Mama/Daddy is soooooo fundamentalist that he/she…”

As in:

“Your Mama is soooo fundamentalist that she has a reserved parking spot down at the altar.”

“Your Daddy is soooo fundamentalist that his blood type is Kool-Aid.”

You get the idea.

619 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Sooooo Fundamentalist”

  1. Your mama’s so fundy :
    she made skirts for the table and chairs so the legs wouldn’t show.
    She refuses to wear skirts with a zipper in front because, “the only reason for a zipper in that location is for a man to go to the bathroom.”
    She refuses to wear skirts or dresses with a seam up the middle, because it’s like an arrow pointing to the crotch.
    She gave the flannel graph Jesus and disciples haircuts.

    Your daddy’s so fundy, he has an honorary doctorate in proof texting.

  2. Yo momma’s so Fundy she told the 2 years olds in the church’s nursery to stop making dance moves… and would stop them every time they started again.

  3. I’m sorry if this is a repeat but……. Your daddy is soooo fundy, he’s on YouTube “polishing his shaft”

  4. Yo parent’s are so Fundy that they would give so much of their money to the church’s ANNUAL building banquet that your family had no money for emergencies, vacations, retirement, or your college tuition – cause gid would provide, amen!

    1. And we are now cleaning up from that mess… thousands of dollars in debt, our house falling apart, cars that barely run, but Amen! we gave to the building program.

    2. Now the Mog can proclaim from his pulpit how God is blessing because the people gave sacrificially…that is after 4 sermons on giving and a guest speaker admonishing the people to give to more to the ministry.

      No manipulation here.

      1. And putting up crazy Koolaid drinking couples to give a personal testimony about how gid blessed them for sacrificing their futures….for many weeks (yea months) leading up to the banquet date.

        All while reminding us how he hardly ever preaches on giving.

        Yet he was sure to secure his future with rental properties , investments, a huge custom home, and a fat retirement plan, while many families were slowly bled dry.

        But remember people, if you give sacrificially gid will honor that. You can trust gid with your retirement, Amen!!! Now excuse me while I fly off to Maui for a few weeks.

        1. Oh, and

          Yo’ mamma’s so Fundy she felt really guilty (thanks Gibbs) about having no money for the ANNUAL church building banquet, so she took off her wedding ring and dropped it into the offering plate.

        2. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at this story because it hits WAY too close to home!

  5. Your parent’s are so Fundy that when the pastor preached against members who had their kids in the church’s school and failed to tithe, threatening a witch hunt….Your parents shouted AMEN!!

  6. Yo parents are so Fundy that when their teen-age daughter was publicly humiliated during SS by the youth pastor for being caught alone in the car with a boy in the Walmart parking lot, they said not a word against it. And still attend that church.

    1. I was so fundy that when I was put up in front of the church for shaming (church discipline. I will explain later), I still went back.

      According to what my pastor had taught, we absolutely had to get the child to yield to our control. My wife and I had been locked in a battle of wills with our 8 year old, and my wife went too far and my 8 year old went to a neighbor and called the police.

      We had a visit from an officer, and he told us Social Services would be visiting. We told the pastor, and asked for help. So what did he do? He removed me from the deacon board, and that Sunday announced the removal to the church and that I would be taking the next year off to better serve my family. The whole church was invited to come up and show me their support as I stood there and wept bitterly.

      And I took it. And I stayed. And after that, the church was no help.

      Social Services did come. We learned some things. I forbade my wife to physically discipline the kids when I was gone. I had a chance to think about my own, inherited anger issues. And I realized I was trying to discipline the same way I had been disciplined. So began the process of change.

      It was slow, but steady. I faced some of my own demons and how I had been abused. I realized that the treatment by the church was also abuse. The pastor had been concerned for his own reputation, not in helping my family.

      I would stay there through more abuse for many years. True story.

        1. In the days before zippers, both girl and boy babies wore “dresses”: it was easier to change them. I don’t think fundies want to go back to THOSE olde paths.

        2. The first photo of my Dad shows him as a small infant in a lacy dress. That’s what both boy and girl babies were dressed in then, at least in his small town.

    1. My ex-fundie (Now fundie-lite) mother did this. She still brags that I’ve never worn pants…..there are things she doesn’t know.

      1. My fundy mother had a similar obsession about bragging that her kids’ lips had never touched alcohol. Never understood why this was such a big deal. (Of course, even though you could fit the amount of alcohol I have consumed in my life into a tablespoon, my mother firmly believes my lips have touched lots of alcohol and she now sadly reflects that she can no longer brag on her children in this manner.)

        1. Too bad she doesn’t understand the point of Phil. 3:4-9. “If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more . . . But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ.”

          Her wanting to brag on her own achievements (and to her the behavior of her children does count as her own achievements to her) shows she is more interested in herself than in Christ.

          Here is an old post on SFL that reflects this passage. It’s one of my favorites: http://www.stufffundieslike.com/2010/07/looking-back-an-atypically-serious-post/

        2. She must not be familiar with Micah 6:8:

          He has told you, O mortal, what is good;
          and what does the Lord require of you
          but to do justice, and to love kindness,
          and to walk humbly with your God?

  7. Your daddy is so fundy that he told his PCC college professor (and member of the PCC Board of Directors) that he didn’t need to follow his recommendations by using the ASV; the KJV was just good enough for him!

    (No, wait, that was me!)

  8. Your mama’s so fundy, she burned the Christmas tree after hearing a sermon from the book of Jeremiah.

    I wish I were joking. The tree had been in our family for over 50 years.

    1. My parents never bought into the Baal Bush nonsense because our pastor never really brought it up. But I do remember intense handwringing one year over fresh vs. artificial. I have no idea why this became a “standards” issue, I just remember that it did.

      1. My last Christmas at Home- no tree, because the new, horrid pastor of my parent’s church said people might think they were bowing down to it if they saw my parents putting something down under the tree. No joke.

        1. Talk about the fear of man! Good grief! This is utterly unreasonable. NO ONE in modern day America thinks ANYONE is worshipping a Christmas tree. I wonder if the pastor forbids people pouring out unwanted beverages into the sink lest passersby think they are pouring out a libation to honor the gods.

        2. BG wrote,

          “I guess if members of that congregation drop something, they can’t pick it up?”

          B.R.O. answers,

          Unless you drop something in front of the Mog!

  9. She’s so fundy, she spanks her kid for listening to Jonathan Park (creationist radio drama from ICR, then Vision Forum.)

    So incredibly fundy, she smashes valuable old LP’s of Handel’s Messiah because they were probably recorded by non-Christians.

    I think Deacon’s Son and I could go toe-to-toe.

    1. I got spanked a time or two for listening to various Christian radio programs. You know how there used to be 5 or 6 such programs on Saturday mornings. Various programs were always going on and off my mom’s approved list and it was impoimpossible to keep track. Usually some program wd be banned for some minor infraction and then she wd be running errands or whatever on a Saturday and there would be some program about a child who disobeys their parents and dies or whatever and the program wd go back on the approved list. Like many things for my mother, this was less an issue of standards and more an issue of control and finding constant excuses to blow her stack and verbally and physically abuse us!

      I will see you Handel’s Messiah and raise my dad’s entire record collection (diverse bunch of music including classical records), his record player, and my little orange plastic trick-or-treat bucket which my mother made me watch them load it on the trash truck and crunch it up while we prayed and thanked god for cleansing our home! (“Cleansing the home” is a ritual required of all new ATI families, because Bill Gothard is one who believes demons can attach to objects.)

  10. Your daddy is so fundy he made you throw away your souvenir t shirt from Venezuela because it had a demon in it.

    Your mamma is so fundy she thought your cousin’s mental illness was caused by aforesaid Venezuelan t shirt demons.

    1. According to a curandero I know, if you have something that might be cursed, you should never just put it in the trash, because someone else might find it and get the curse (also, think of those poor sanitation workers!).
      Instead, you should dig a hole in the corner of your yard and bury it, being careful not to let anyone else know where it is.

      I promise you this is true (that he said this, I mean).

        1. As I recall, you’re supposed to bury St. Joseph upside-down. I forget why. I also don’t remember what Joseph has to do with real estate.

          St. Anthony helps you find things you’ve lost.

          St. Lawrence is the patron of barbecue.

          And so on.

          You’ve got to admit there’s an appealing practical aspect to all this.

  11. You momma so fundie she won’t allow the family to watch college sports when either Duke (Blue Devils) or Wake Forest (Demon Deacons) are playing.

      1. Yay! My hometown! Even as a fundy I rooted (and still do root for) the devil rays. I think just rays is lame.

        1. Or “Tampa Bay Rays That Have Nothing Whatever To Do With The Devil Or Anything Else Bad, Really And Truly.”

    1. I actually went to Wake and continue to be utterly shocked that the mascot became official in 1941 given that dancing was forbidden until the 70’s and house mothers supervised dating until then as well.

    2. Your daddy is so fundy that he went to see his college basketball team play the Arizona State Sun Devils, but only because he wanted to watch his team whip their sinful tails.

    1. Your mother approved the program when it had children Not Learn Their Lessons and got killed? Talk about graveyard humor…

  12. Your Mamma’s so Fundy, you had to mute the theme song to every sitcom and cartoon (even Adventures in Odyssey). She threw out your Nintendo -that you bought with your own money- because it had a gender “confused” character in a video game. She burned your vast collection of Ninja Turtles because they “Brought a dark Spirit into the house”. And you weren’t allowed to wear black clothes because it made it easier for a demon to possess you.

    1. We weren’t allowed to listen to Adventures in Odyssey at all because one time early on in my family’s fundy years, we were listening to an epiode about friendship and one of the characters asked another character that they were trying to befriend to go to the movies. The other character replied, “okay, let me just go tell my mom.” My mother immediately turned off the radio and lectured us for about half an hour about how thhe character should have said “let me just go ASK my mom.” AIO was banned in our home for YEARS afterwards. This made things very awkward for me and my siblings because AIO was hugely popular in the evangelical Bible church we were attending at the time. (As in, they’d play AIO episodes in Sunday School sometimes and I would always squirm because I was too embarrassed to ask to step out but I knew I would get in trouble for listening.)

      (For those who are wondering, my mother actually wasn’t bothered that the characters were going to the movies in the first place. For some reason I have never understood, this is one cherished fundy standard that she never embraced (probably because ATI doesn’t ban movie theaters per se). This is also he rare instance in which my father is stricter than my mother. When my parents became full-fledged IFB, movie theaters were one of the first things he banned. He is so legalistic on this issue that last Christmas he offered to take my siblings, who were clamouring to get to see the Hobbit (one of his favorite books as a child) to see the movie only if they could find a drive-in theater that was showing it because that wasn’t the same as a movie theater and wasn’t a bad testimony because everyone could see what movie they were watching. Incidentally, my mother, who for whatever reason really doesn’t agree with this standard got busted major because it was discovered that she had been going to Dallas with a (non-fundy) friend to go to the movies! This was after I left home but one of my sisters told me they were talking ababout wanting to see a particular movie and my mother said “oh, we’ve already seen it” and my sister said that’s impossible because it is still in theaters and my mother got super embarrassed and the truth came out that it was one of the movies she and her friend had gone to see!)

      1. Oh. So you didn’t have the “everything fantasy and fiction (unless it’s fiction about Waldensians dying for their faith) is evil” in your home? Lucky. (oh wait, that word is “evil” too)

        Adventures in Odyssey would make its rounds between ok and evil. The theatre was absolutely evil, even if it was playing the Passion or some newer Christian film. And anything Disney? Evil. Mickey was a wizard once, don’t forget. That is, until Pixar came along, which somehow whitewashed the more innocent half of Disney stuff.

        And I’m going to scream if I see another fundie-lite post an anti-“Let it Go” article on Facebook (which, ahem, would absolutely fall until the evil side of Disney in my childhood because magic).

        1. I definitely think that their nitpicking the song is foolish because they’re not understanding that this is how Elsa feels at the mid-point of her story not the end, they are only alienating their kids, and they come off looking like a crank. But in a way, they SHOULD fear the song, because if does reflect some ideas that ex-fundies can identify with. For example:

          1. “Be the good girl you always have to be
          Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know” — This is life behind the mask in most IFB churches
          2. “I don’t care what they’re going to say” – the point many of us have to come to
          3. “the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all” – this is huge: deciding not to be afraid of what they’ll say (in my case, exchanging the fear of man for truly fearing God)

      2. When I was in middle and high school, I would go spend the night with my friend Jeannie, so I could go to the school dances. Never got caught, thankfully, though my mom did wonder once why I took my heels with me. I told her we were playing dress-up. She bought it.

  13. It’s interesting how fast this game morphed from the old “doing the dozens” joke format to memories of horrific abuse and parental madness.

    I guess we needed that.
    As many have noted, usually this site is making fun of stuff, occasionally it’s commentary on something serious, and sometimes it’s just straight-on therapy.

    1. Kind of why I’ve started at the very beginning of the archives and worked my way up (while checking the front page for new posts so I’m not forever behind everyone else). Need to get back on that since I still have a year or two left to read. Very therapeutic.

  14. You’re parents are so fundy they won’t play Rook or Uno because someone walking by the window may see them playing with cards and think they’re playing cards.

    (I heard this said years ago.)

    1. Oh George got me! Should be “Your”.

      (By the way it wasn’t told to me about my parents. It was something an aunt or uncle said someone told them.)

  15. I haven’t read thru all these (I’m not *always* online, geez!), so forgive any repetition.

    Yo’ mama’s so Fundy, she won’t make or let anyone on the family eat deviled eggs or devil’s food cake. (Until she’s pronounced them clean by changing the name to “angelic eggs” or “chocolate cake.”)

    Yo’ daddy’s so Fundy, he believes disrespect toward him is equal to disrespecting God.

    Yo’ daddy’s so Fundy, that he views any disagreement as rebellion or disrespect that must be punished.

    Yo’ mama’s so Fundy, when a friend told her about an ongoing sexual relationship with a teen, she said, “Just stop! And don’t talk to me about this any more.”

    Yo’ mama’s so Fundy, when she heard about a toddler who accused a church leader of inappropriate touching, she wondered who put the toddler up to falsely accusing the man.

    Yo’ daddy’s so Fundy that when he thought you’d requested an inappropriate song (too worldly) as special music, he said you were a disappointment & he’d expect such disrespectful behavior from someone who hated him.

    Yo’ mama’s so Fundy, that when men from church were staring at your developing chest, she said it was your fault for not wearing a bra (when she hadn’t taken you shopping for any).

    Your 6th grade teacher (somebody’s daddy) is so Fundy, in the same tirade he complained about women “letting themselves go” and announcing that women in miniskirts who got raped were “asking for it.”

    Yo’ parents (& everyone else’s I knew) were so Fundy, you muted tv commercials so you didn’t have to hear “rock music.” Fundy bonus points if you set a timer & closed your eyes so you weren’t tempted to covet the products being advertised.

    Yo’ parents were so Fundy, that they were not only offended by the music at restaurants, they were appalled when you began unconsciously tapping your foot & bobbing your head. So Fundy, in fact, that they punished you when you kept doing it (completely unintentionally).

    Yo’ daddy’s so Fundy, he caught you wearing pink lipstick (age 15) and called you a floozy, then intimidated you into wiping it off because “no daughter of mine is walking out of the house looking like a $5 whore!”

    Wow, this was therapeutic!

      1. A novice Priest took over the Downtown Abbey and while out walking around the neighborhood one day, he was accosted by several working girls who asked him if he wanted a Bob Jones…I mean blow job. He was confused as to what this was.
        So when he arrived back at the Abbey he met the Mother Superior in the hallway (of peril) and asked her, “Sister, what’s a Blow Job?”
        She said, “$20 dollars just like in town Father.”

      2. Well, I’ve always been sassy. If I recall correctly, I blurted out, “So how much should I charge?”

        Yeah…didn’t go over well.

  16. Yo parents so fundy they pulled you out of your hard-right Christian school because a wife of one of the teachers had a miscarriage and your parents were convinced she was lying and had had an abortion.

    Not to me, but to a girl who was in my church (she was kind of a brat herself).

  17. Grandma (life-long Pentecostal fundy) would never consider eating shrimp cocktail or fruit cocktail. She lived near Helm, California, but pronounced it “Hel-um” just in case somebody thought…. well, you know.

    1. California is chock full of its own special brand Pentecostal Fundyism. Just look for the ladies with the PHDs (Pentecostal Hairdos) and men wearing three piece suits on a sweltering San Joaquin summer day. For as much as IFBs claim to hate the Holiness Pentecostals, you’d think they’d actually get along when– take away speaking in tongues and drums in church– they are frighteningly similar.

      1. Dude I know! Im from a Pentecostal background and when I found this site I was like dang! These guys are just like Pentecostals I know!

        1. I always wanted to tell the local MOG how very, very similar they are to the PentiFundies. I also wanted to tell him that (despite what he preached) “alabaster” is not a “kind of wood.” and I also wanted to ask him why parts of Deut 22 are valid, but other parts aren’t. When I realized that I couldn’t ask him without being thought of as rebellious, I left. He was the omniscient Ruhler.

        2. I don’t know what a penticostal is, either.

          However, since “costal” deals with ribs, I would imagine that pentacostals would have five of them.

          Now what pentecostals are is quite another thing. Pente is a game. How you play that with ribs is quite beyond me.

        3. The Panty Costals are those who get their knickers so knotted up that they’re up near the ribs. For instance, when they’re asked why the rock music that was of the DEVIL himself a few years ago is now de riguer in so many A/G churches.

        4. It cracks me up how much IFB HATES Pentecostals. I was watching a bit of a sermon Hyles was spewing. He said if he had to change from Baptist he would become Catholic because there was NO WAY he’d be Pentecostal. It sure is crazy because they aren’t far apart at all.

  18. Your pastor-daddy is so fundy that he never references “his” board of deacons without first referring to them as “his” board of “demons”.

    But he’s not as fundy as the pastor-daddy who boasts that he don’t need no (stinkin’) deacons!

      1. Homophonic? Or (whisper) homophobic? (softer whisper) it’s always something, and the MOg always knows what it is… :evil:

  19. My mom was fundy enough that she threw away a kind of collectible Spike Jones VHS tape I owned b/c the guys in the band dressed in dresses for a hilarious skit. Spike and his band were back in the 40’s and 50’s…….the guys in dresses weren’t wearing any makeup —–was just a clean, funny skit/tape…good grief.

    1. Yes, and I’d be willing to bet” Cocktails for Two” was one of the songs, since it was a City Slickers standard. One cannot be too careful……….

  20. Yo daddy’s so fundy that he tolerated the MOG meddling in his daughter’s wedding planning and said nothing in protest. She wanted to have her wedding at a church less than an hour away from her parent’s MOG, and he thought people in the church would feel like they “had” to spend the money and time to drive SO FAR away. He called the other pastor and said it would “hurt the church” if he allowed the daughter to have her wedding there. Sadly, the other pastor told her she could no longer have her wedding there.

    She moved it further away rather than giving in to his desire for her to have her wedding at his church.

    True story. Still makes me mad. Some day I would love to give him a piece of my mind, but I know it would eventually come back to hurt my parents.

  21. Hey, according to my counter I’m number 501. Is there possibly an ‘honorary’ Butt Cushion for being the 501st?

    1. If there isn’t, then there should be. In lieu of that, if you ever come to Savannah I’ll buy you the freshest Kristy Kreme donut in town.

  22. Yo mamma’s so Fundy she would not wear lipstick ’cause she believed it was intended to make ones mouth resemble a woman’s nether regions. No lie.

      1. I’d think that no lipstick would be closer in color…but, hey, just like BG, I tend to over-think this stuff.

        1. I once heard a preacher so Fundy, he preached against facial hair on men. He said that while street preaching at gay marches, he noticed that every one of the men had facial hair, proving that men with facial hair were queers. He claimed that it was appealing to them because it resembled a sideways vagina! I kid you not.

        2. To the extent that a mouth with a beard resembles a vagina, shouldn’t it be straight men who find it attractive?

  23. Yo mamma’s so Fundy she agreed when the pastor said we shouldn’t shop at the local Christian bookstore cause they sold bad (unapproved) books (just before he opened his own bookstore in the foyer).

    1. The (otherwise fairly normal) Bible church my parents attended on their road to IFB-dom had a ban on the local Christian bookstore because it was housed in an old nightclub building (supposedly). Interestingly, when the plans for the new church building were released shortly before we moved away, there was a big area up in the front of the building reserved for BOOKSTORE.

      1. How interesting! You know, when I was a little girl (before my dad went sideways and dragged us all to the Assemblies of God), the Baptist churches we attended always had a *library*- not a bookstore. I checked out books with my usual ‘8 a week’ vigor…

        Bit of a difference, yes? Generational maybe- this was *koff* more that 40 years ago.

  24. Your Mog-Daddy is soooooo fundamentalist that he compares himself to Paul and those who disagree with him to either Demas or Alexander the coppersmith.

  25. Your Mog-Daddy is soooooo fundamentalist that he yells from the pulpit, “Touch not the Lord’s annointed!” when anyone calls into question anything he says or does.

  26. I once knew a fundamentalist that was sooooo “separated” from the world that she stopped drinking tea and coffee because caffeine had her in bondage so she went to drinking hot water. I was not a Christian then, and I thought that to be extremely odd behavior. When I later became a Believer I very unfortunately attended Pillsbury Baptist Bible College and received my PhD. in odd behavior. It wasn’t until I lost a child and was scolded and condemned after the funeral for grieving and crying by a Pillsbury Kool Aid drinker because I wasn’t rejoicing that my child was in heaven that I started to pull my head out of the sand and learn to think for myself. This has been nearly 40 years ago and I still struggle with the anger and bitterness at times because of that toxic poisonous fundy IFB hogwash.
    After Pillsbury imploded my work took me to Owatonna. I found myself wandering that abandoned campus in somehow appropriate therapeutic disrepair telling myself I SURVIVED YOU!!!
    Life has taught me whenever someone starts going to seed on running their mouth about sin, mark that person.
    My takeaway is:
    1. Stay in God’s Word.
    2. Learn to forgive for your own mental health and because forgiving is what sets us free.
    3. Learn early the that just because someone i.e. a fundy and runs off at the mouth a lot about sin doesn’t mean much.
    4. It’s not a sin or weakness to think for yourself.
    5. Give vengeance over to The Lord. He alone is the Holy Righteous Judge.
    6. Be humble and give thanks every day that I was delivered from that abuse.

    1. All my sympathies for the sorrows you endured, and for the death of your child. All hopes in your revelation, and let your scars be healed.
      The hot-water drinker still sounds intriguing, I’ve heard good, bad, other, about coffee and tea.

    2. Funny how fundies make up things that they claim are in the Bible – like don’t drink any alcoholic beverages ever – and ignore what is actually IN the Bible – like “weep with those who weep.”

      I’m sorry for the loss of your child.

  27. Yo daddy’s so fundy you discovered SFL when he was featured in a post.

    You subsequently freaked out when you commented and your avatar came up automatically from your email address, emailed Darrel to get it removed, and discovered you’d met him as a kid IRL.

  28. Yo momma’s so Fundy that every Halloween your family hid in a dark house to avoid having to deal with the wicked and deluded trick-or-treaters that would come to your door.

    1. I still do that!

      So, does that still make me fundy?

      Perhaps I don’t like crowds. (I don’t)

      Perhaps I don’t like strangers coming to my door en masse. (I don’t)

      Perhaps I regard my privacy as important. (I do)

      Perhaps I’m a nutrition nut who doesn’t like to give out cancer-causing sugary treats to those poor, hapless, little crumb crunchers. (no)

      Or, quite possibly, I still have a little too much fundy left in me!

      Crowds, Strangers, and Privacy…I’ll stick with that.

      1. It’s not being fundy if you make your choices for yourself based on those reasons. It’s fundy if you hide because you think participating in Halloween makes you complicit with demons and God will be angry with you.

        I love the sense of community demonstrated on Halloween in a day and age when most people stay in their homes with their electronics and often our neighbors are strangers to us, but I respect people who prefer privacy.

        1. Where I live now, Halloween is a good chance to meet my neighbors and their kids in a fun setting (in my ‘hood, most parents go along with their kids for Trick or Treat).

        2. Ours too! I’ve actually come across parents who have a firepit set up with mini-cups of adult beverages available for parents walking by.

        3. I was too busy to do a costume in 2013, but in October 2012, I tied a toy dog to the top of my car, wore a Mitt Romney mask, and carried a loose-leaf binder marked “Women.”

  29. Your mama’s so fundy she threatened you when you were five with dire consequences if you ever told anyone that your favorite cookie was butterscotch oatmeal. People would think you liked liquor! She subsequently refused to make them again.

  30. You are so fundamentalist you believe that roman caholic parents are happy to hand their children over to pedophile priests in order to earn their way out of purgatory. (I come from northern Ireland and I have heard that expressed)

    1. I admit that isn’t funny and this is supposed to be a humor site but it dosyurns me that there are christians who have such distorted views. Thankfully that was not something i was taught as i was growing up but wonder if any of you were fed stuff like this…

  31. Yo daddys so fundy that you still havent paid off all the friends in high school in the 80’s whose cassette tapes he pulled all the tape out of and threw across your bedroom because of that satanic rock n roll! Hell, for years we thought that the first thing rock stars did when they got up in the morning was to slam a shot of heroine, just before they sacrificed a baby on the alters they had built in their kitchens to Satan.

    1. My parents would intimidate me into pulling out the tape myself. :( That’s why I kept friends’ borrowed tapes in my car, safely ensconced in the cases of approved cassettes.

      But yeah, the drugs & sacrificing…something (I think it was goats in my circles) was something we totally believed.

  32. My Pastor Daddy is soooo fundamentalist that he has well placed, hidden cameras in his office to make sure no one (especially women in an undressed state) are stealing his stack of conversion cards off his desk .

  33. Your daddy’s so fundy he spanks your mama when his kids kick in the womb since if your mama were being properly Christian then the kids obviously wouldn’t be so disobedient

  34. Love!!!! As a newly knocked up mom, I’m glad to say my husband is NOT one of those guys who won’t let me show my sonogram pictures because it’s immodest. Nor does he believe beating a kid. In fact he can’t wrap his mind around my fundamentalist childhood. He just shakes his head in pity. I remember hearing preachers talk about newborns crying and that was their sin nature showing through. Um no, they are hungry or wet and have no other way to communicate, doofus.

  35. ATI taught that dads were supposed to read Scripture to the babies in the womb so that the baby would associate the father’s voice of authority with God’s voice of authority. According to Bill Gothard, if the labor and delivery were difficult, a mere word from the father telling the baby to stop struggling and come out was sufficient to solve all problems. (The had some “testimony” of how this fixed the problem of a baby that was breached.)

    Even my father was not fundy enough to fall for this!

  36. My momma’s so fundy that at my Catholic grandfather’s funeral, she told everyone that he was in hell because he was a Catholic and then told me that the “only moment of peace” she had the entire time was when I played “It Is Well With My Soul” on the piano during communion (which, of course, my parents refused to take).

  37. Yes.

    And some of them were kind of unusual choices for wall hangings like, “The soul that sinneth it shall die.”

  38. Yeah, we’ve had whole threads here about that.
    It IS sort of hard to fathom someone believing that babies sin when they cry.
    They’re babies, you idiot!

  39. I learned the same things…and my wife heard a lecture at my sister’s baby shower (because you have to have devotional time, ya know) about starting discipline while the child is in the womb

  40. Yeah. But I heard that from the pulpit at my IFB church, and in “parenting classes” they held. Spank ‘em early and often was their advice. And to my shame, I did. Took me years to repair relationships with my two oldest sons.

  41. I believed this for longer than I care to admit. I never spanked my daughter when she was an infant, but I did believe she was sinful for it. How sick.

  42. Swap missionary for deacon, and you could easily convince anyone you were my brother. How many of “us” are the out there?!?

  43. Like many fundy families, one parent was much more fundy than the other. In this case, my mother was the big fundy nut and my father was mostly just along for the ride.

  44. What in the …?!? Putting aside the fact that babies in the womb aren’t even really what we’d think of as fully conscious yet, how, exactly, would you discipline a baby in the womb? I can’t even picture it.

    I’ve heard some horrible fundy parenting stories, but this is honestly a new one to me.

  45. Of course! This is only 10%, but a true fundy tithe is at least 13% so you can cover the extra mortgage payments so you can refinance the mortgage and therefore pay the Mog his due worth.

  46. I should add that at my great-grandfather’s funeral, my fundy momma objected to the masons performing their last rites (or whatever they call the part where they wave around the everygreen branches and such). She threatened to make herself vomit during the funeral to prevent the ritual from taking place. Later, she rode in the limo to “comfort” my grandmother and one of my grandmother’s uncles and berated them all the way tp the cemetery about how the masons are a false religion &c.

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