VBS Week Friday Challenge: Missionary Story

No VBS would be complete without the five day story with tales of adventure and excitement and soulwinning. Today’s challenge is to invent your own five day story title to reflect the real adventures in fundyland.

Of course they probably wouldn’t be suitable for children…

194 thoughts on “VBS Week Friday Challenge: Missionary Story”

      1. If I remember, from the black & white version of this story more common in my childhood, “ma” was a title or term of respect. I have a little kids’ missionary story set in Africa supposedly written by the cat and the missionary’s wife is the Mother of the House.

        1. I remember really liking the story and I like the old illustrations better than this reprint. yuck.

          Love the mouse over text. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      2. In Nigeria, “Ma” is a courtesy title similar to “Ms.” It doesn’t necessarily mean the woman is a mother (although probably most Nigerian women old enough to be called “Ma” are already mothers).

  1. Hasn’t she told that woman that off the shoulder dresses are SHAMEFUL and cause men to LUST? That’s as important as the Gospel you know. How can someone get saved if they’re dressed indecently?? ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

    1. Jesus didn’t “clean anyone up” before he talked to them for example the woman caught in the act of adultery – “Go and sin no more”. If we try to clean people up before the recieve Jesus it is as futile as washing free-range pigs.
      From,
      A missionary.

  2. Mary Slessor looks like she’s wearing a denim jumper and she is punching a hippo. Her hair in the big picture is cut short but she is wearing a ponytail in the bottom right picture. Hmmm.

    1. Of course she isn’t wearing a wedding ring either. Single lady missionary. If she was married she’d be stuck at home with the kids. ๐Ÿ™

    2. The picture in the bottom is probably from earlier in the story when she first arrived in Africa. Later, she probably cut her hair as practical in the heat.

  3. Esther and MRS Degree.

    Day 1: Fundy Kindergarten “Hearing The Call”
    Day 2: Fundy Middle School “Unmitigated Gall”
    Day 3: Fundy High School “Avoiding the Mall”
    Day 4: Fundy U “Courting Paul”
    Day 5: Death

    1. “Avoiding the mall” – that does often seem like the summation of teaching to young people, to flee temptation. Of course, that is a legitimate instruction, but it becomes oppressive when temptation is defined as anything cute, fun, contemporary, or popular and there also is no call TO anything, just permanent warnings AWAY from things.

      1. One day when some high school students were asking the usual what can we do and what can’t we do questions, an adult chimed in with some helpful ‘wisdom.’They said, “If you are wondering whether or not someone is sinful or not, just ask yourself why you want to do it. If the answer is, ‘because it’s fun,’ it’s probably a sin.” It still makes me want to start ranting, but I’ll obstain.

        1. Asceticism is still strong and well in a lot of fundamentalist churches. “Jesus doesn’t want you to have FUN.” ๐Ÿ™

        2. Fun is automatically a sin?

          The corollary would be that anything unpleasant is good. Eating glass shards, for example, or stepping on rusty nails.

        3. We were told: “If you have to ask whether it is wrong or not then you should assume it is because why else would you have to ask.”

  4. PK and the Very Bad Thing

    Day 1: Learning About The Very Bad Thing
    Day 2: Doing The Very Bad Thing
    Day 3: The Rapture!
    Day 4: The Big TV Screen Of Judgement Where Everybody Gets To See The Very Bad Thing PK Did
    Day 5: Eternal Shame And Stuff.

    1. Ah! Yes, heaven is a perfect place! We will never know pain or suffering of any kind there! (except for the eternal shame you will suffer for the bad things you did) ๐Ÿ™„

  5. White Missionary And The Dark-Skinned Cannibal Natives Of Wherever

    Day 1: Some random childhood story demonstrating our white missionary’s piety
    Day 2: The surrender to the mission field during a VBS just like this one (hint, hint)
    Day 3: Eating Bugs. Learning New Languages. Wearing Funny Hats.
    Day 4: 17 bajillion people get saved.
    Day 5: Dinner is served.

      1. Especially if you’re giving yourself over to cannibals. And remember, when they ask to have you for dinner (and I do mean HAVE), make sure they say grace first. ๐Ÿ˜›

  6. How the Little Eastern European Boy Disobeyed his Parents and Got Away with It
    day 1: anecdote ilustrating the pathos of Little Eastern European Boy’s life with his heartless parents in the squalor of a backwater village. His parents tell him to have nothing to do with those Bibles the missionary is giving out.
    day 2: L. E. E. B. is given a copy of the Bible by kindly missionary and its importance is explained at great length
    day 3: L. E. E. B. gets the bright idea to plaster his walls with the pages of said Bible, so he can memorize the verses (because, conveniently, he speaks English and his parents do not)
    day 4: L. E. E. B.’s parents ask about the significance of these pages and L. E. E. B. dutifully explains. They at first get upset and beat L. E. E. B., but at last are overcome by the power of the gospel and get gloriously saved.
    day 5: The communists come to haul the whole family away for possessing the Bible (but everyone in the family has serene smiles on their faces anyway, because now they are saved and they have the joy, joy, joy, down in their hearts.)
    This is a conflagration of 3 or 4 missionary stories heard in my youth.

  7. Day 1:

    Sprinkle, Presbyterian Minister’s Daughter

    Scene 1
    Sprinkle was a happy child, living just outside a medium-sized city. One day, Sprinkle saw a small cat that was caught in a tree! It was so sad, and Sprinkle felt sorry for the cat. She thought and thought of how she could rescue it, but nothing came to mind. Finally Sprinkle decided she would climb the tree herself and get the cat, even though she knew her mother had told her not to climb that tree. The poor cat cried and cried, but Sprinkle brought her down safely. In this way, we know that Sprinkle was at heart already a good person, which is the kind of persons Jesus likes to save. But she was also a sinner, because she disobeyed her mother. Nothing is more important than obeying authority, right boys and girls? So we know that Sprinkle needed to ask Jesus to come into her heart and put away bad things.

    As Sprinkle was petting the cat, she heard her mother call for her: “Sprinkle! Sprinkle! Come help me with the laundry! We have to get all the housework finished so we can go to the fair tomorrow!” Sprinkle ran to the house right away. She was so excited about going to the curriculum fair! There would be lots of things to see and do while her mother looked at the booths and chose new curriculum for next year.

    Scene 2
    Mother had said that Sprinkle could have a new outfit! She was going to get her new outfit before the fair, and she couldn’t wait to show her friends. Sprinkle and her mother went to the store, and there Sprinkle oood and awwwed at the many colorful choices. Finally, she settled on a pair of new jeans and a pretty pink top to go with it. She loved the new shirt, and she was especially proud when her mother told her how beautiful she looked.

    Sprinkle held her outfit tightly in her arms while her mother looked around the store. She was admiring the beads on her new shirt, when suddenly someone said, “Sprinkle!” She looked around and there was her neighbor, Esther. Esther was a bit older than Sprinkle, so they didn’t often play together. But Sprinkle was happy that she could show her new clothes to someone.

    “Look what my mother’s bought me for the fair tomorrow!” said Sprinkle. Esther looked at the top, and her eyebrows furrowed. Then, when she saw the jeans, she broke into a full frown. “Sprinkle, don’t you know that those are Satan’s clothes? Wearing pants is no better than going around naked! A woman must always wear a skirt or dress or she’s immodest!”

    Sprinkle was stunned; she had never heard such things before. Boys and girls, are you being a witness like Esther was? When you see neighbors and friends who dress like sluts, do you confront them? Confrontation is important, because sometimes people have to feel bad before they will leave their sin. And we must leave our sin before Jesus will come into our hearts.

    Scene 3
    Sprinkle was concerned about what Esther had said, but by the next day she had forgotten all about it. It was time to go to the curriculum fair! The booths and the fair seemed like an endless line of possibilities to Sprinkle. There were always new books to look at, and Sprinkle loved books.

    Before long, Sprinkle was stopped in a booth, reading a book. She was so engrossed that she didn’t see Esther till she standing next to her. “Hi, Maria! Are you having a good time?” asked Sprinkle. Esther crinkled her nose disapprovingly: “I’m not so sure. There’s a few good publishers here, like A Beka and Modern Curriculum Press. But most of them are very questionable.”

    This was the first time Sprinkle had heard anything like that. “Why?” she asked. “Well,” explained Esther in a stage whisper, “some of them aren’t BAPTIST.” “What difference does that make?” asked Sprinkle. “I’m not Baptist.” “Why, people who aren’t Baptists aren’t even Christians!” said Esther. Sprinkle was scared. She wasn’t a Baptist, but she had always thought they were Christians. Satan is very smart, boys and girls. Sometimes he tricks people into thinking they’re Christians when they aren’t. Come back tomorrow to find out what Sprinkle learns.

        1. Ah, yes, well, I was originally trying to pattern it after the Ti-Fam Witchdoctor’s Daughter story series (there’s a post about that one here on SFL, actually). In that, the witnessing girl’s name is Maria. I was going to keep Maria, and then I thought “Esther” was a better American fundy girl’s name. (No offense to any non-fundies named Esther)

      1. In scene 1, if Sprinkle had only been a Baptist girl, she would have known that the way to save a stranded kitten is not to get it out of the tree, but to witness to the kitty until it says the Sinner’s Prayer.

    1. Sprinkle, Presbyterian Minister’s Daughter

      Scene 1
      Sprinkle was a happy child, living just outside a medium-sized city. One day, Sprinkle saw a small cat that was caught in a tree! It was so sad, and Sprinkle felt sorry for the cat. She thought and thought of how she could rescue it, but nothing came to mind. Finally Sprinkle decided she would climb the tree herself and get the cat, even though she knew her mother had told her not to climb that tree. The poor cat cried and cried, but Sprinkle brought her down safely. In this way, we know that Sprinkle was at heart already a good person, which is the kind of persons Jesus likes to save. But she was also a sinner, because she disobeyed her mother. Nothing is more important than obeying authority, right boys and girls? So we know that Sprinkle needed to ask Jesus to come into her heart and put away bad things.

      As Sprinkle was petting the cat, she heard her mother call for her: “Sprinkle! Sprinkle! Come help me with the laundry! We have to get all the housework finished so we can go to the fair tomorrow!” Sprinkle ran to the house right away. She was so excited about going to the curriculum fair! There would be lots of things to see and do while her mother looked at the booths and chose new curriculum for next year.

      Scene 2
      Mother had said that Sprinkle could have a new outfit! She was going to get her new outfit before the fair, and she couldn’t wait to show her friends. Sprinkle and her mother went to the store, and there Sprinkle oood and awwwed at the many colorful choices. Finally, she settled on a pair of new jeans and a pretty pink top to go with it. She loved the new shirt, and she was especially proud when her mother told her how beautiful she looked.

      Sprinkle held her outfit tightly in her arms while her mother looked around the store. She was admiring the beads on her new shirt, when suddenly someone said, “Sprinkle!” She looked around and there was her neighbor, Esther. Esther was a bit older than Sprinkle, so they didn’t often play together. But Sprinkle was happy that she could show her new clothes to someone.

      “Look what my mother’s bought me for the fair tomorrow!” said Sprinkle. Esther looked at the top, and her eyebrows furrowed. Then, when she saw the jeans, she broke into a full frown. “Sprinkle, don’t you know that those are Satan’s clothes? Wearing pants is no better than going around naked! A woman must always wear a skirt or dress or she’s immodest!”

      Sprinkle was stunned; she had never heard such things before. Boys and girls, are you being a witness like Esther was? When you see neighbors and friends who dress like sluts, do you confront them? Confrontation is important, because sometimes people have to feel bad before they will leave their sin. And we must leave our sin before Jesus will come into our hearts.

      Scene 3
      Sprinkle was concerned about what Esther had said, but by the next day she had forgotten all about it. It was time to go to the curriculum fair! The booths and the fair seemed like an endless line of possibilities to Sprinkle. There were always new books to look at, and Sprinkle loved books.

      Before long, Sprinkle was stopped in a booth, reading a book. She was so engrossed that she didn’t see Esther till she standing next to her. “Hi, Maria! Are you having a good time?” asked Sprinkle. Esther crinkled her nose disapprovingly: “I’m not so sure. There’s a few good publishers here, like A Beka and Modern Curriculum Press. But most of them are very questionable.”

      This was the first time Sprinkle had heard anything like that. “Why?” she asked. “Well,” explained Esther in a stage whisper, “some of them aren’t BAPTIST.” “What difference does that make?” asked Sprinkle. “I’m not Baptist.” “Why, people who aren’t Baptists aren’t even Christians!” said Esther. Sprinkle was scared. She wasn’t a Baptist, but she had always thought they were Christians. Satan is very smart, boys and girls. Sometimes he tricks people into thinking they’re Christians when they aren’t. Come back tomorrow to find out what Sprinkle learns.

      Day 2

      Scene 1
      Boys and girls, if you remember from yesterday, Sprinkle was at the curriculum fair. Her friend Esther was talking to her about what it really means to be a Christian. Sprinkle was not a Baptist, so she was listening carefully to the things that Esther told her.

      “Sprinkle,” said Esther, “when did you pray the Sinners Prayerยฉ?” “What’s the sinner’s prayer?” asked Sprinkle. “That’s when you pray: ‘Jesus I know I am a sinner. I’m really, really sorry and I’m going to give up my sinful life for you. Please forgive my sins and come into my heart.” Amen.”

      “I never prayed that prayer,” said Sprinkle quietly. “Then you aren’t a Christian,” Esther replied sternly. “But, Jesus died for me,” Sprinkle protested weakly. She had known this from the time she was very little. In fact, she couldn’t remember a time that she didn’t know she trusted God to save her. But she had never heard these things before, and now she was scared. WHat if everything her father and mother had told her was wrong?

      “Yes, Jesus died to save everybody. But he doesn’t save you till you accept him. You have to give up your sins and ask him to come into your heart. Then he gives you the Holy Spirit to help you do good, and he saves you,” explained Esther. Boys and girls, have you asked Jesus to come into your heart? Remember, just believing in God isn’t enough. You have to say publicly that you choose Jesus, and you have to be very, very sorry for all your sins.

      Scene 2
      Sprinkle didn’t really enjoy the rest of the fair, because she was so worried. All the way home she was unusually quiet. She helped her mother make dinner, and sat with her mother and father to eat. After a while, her father noticed that she was unusually quiet. “Sprinkle,” he said. “What’s eating you, cupcake?”

      “Daddy, am I a Christian?” asked Sprinkle. “Well, honey, do you trust what Jesus did on the cross?” “I think so,” said Sprinkle, “but I never prayed Sinners Prayerยฉ. If I never asked Jesus into my heart, will he really save me?” “Sprinkle,” replied her father, “do you think that it’s Jesus’ work that saves you, or your own work?” “It must be Jesus,” said Sprinkle confidently. “Ok then,” said her father.

      They talked for a few more minutes, and Sprinkle began to feel a bit better. She felt more confident that the finished work of Jesus was what saved her. This was really dangerous, boys and girls. Unless we put away our sin and ask Jesus into our hearts, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. Sprinkle knew that Jesus had died, but she hadn’t yet asked him to come into her heart. We know she wasn’t a Christian because she was wearing immodest clothes and going to a non-Baptist church. Real Christians will always act like Christians, because the Bible says by their fruits ye shall know them.

      Scene 3
      The next day, Sprinkle was playing in the yard again. She was building a sandcastle. She enjoyed building sandcastles in her sandbox. They looked just like real houses. Her newest one was very pretty; but when she got up too quickly it all fell down! That’s when she noticed Esther walking up. Sprinkle was anxious to explain to Esther the things her father had told her. But Esther wasn’t convinced. She knew that Sprinkle wasn’t a Christian, and she was concerned that her father was leading her away from the truth.

      “Sprinkle,” asked Esther, “when did you get baptized?” “When I was a baby,” said Sprinkle. Esther was so horrified she didn’t know what to say for a few minutes. Baptized as a baby! Why, she hadn’t realized that Sprinkle’s family was Catholic! This was even more serious than she had thought. “Sprinkle, it’s evil to worship Mary and pray to saints,” said Esther.” “Who is Mary?” asked Sprinkle, confused. She had a teacher named Mary, but Sprinkle didn’t think she worshipped her teacher. But she was learning so many things today.

      “Sprinkle, you can only be baptized after you pray the Sinners Prayerยฉ.” Esther explained. “You have to be old enough to know what you’re doing, and old enough to choose to believe. Then you get baptized by being put under the water. People who aren’t baptized correctly aren’t Christians.” “But, I thought you said the Sinners Prayerยฉ saved me,” said Sprinkle, bewildered. “If I have to be baptized correctly, doesn’t that mean that baptism saves me?” Esther got very angry at this. You see, boys and girls, people who aren’t Christians try to twist the truth so they can continue to sin. They say they trust in Jesus, but they don’t ask him into their heart, and they aren’t baptized right. Are you baptized, boys and girls? Was it done the right way? Come back tomorrow to find out more about how you can be sure you’re a Christian.

      1. Day 3

        Scene 1
        Sprinkle was learning so many things yesterday, wasn’t she? About how important it is to be baptized in the right way, and about how we can behave like Christians should. Most important, she was learning about how to get saved. This is the most important thing that could happen to Sprinkle, boys and girls. Jesus wants to save us, but he can’t do anything until we let him! Will Sprinkle let Jesus save her?

        Sprinkle was so concerned about what Esther had told her. “Hey, Sprinkle!” suggested Esther. Why don’t you come to my church on Sunday! The preacher will tell you more about it, and maybe you can get saved! Sprinkle was so excited to get saved that she ran home to ask permission to go to Esther’s church.

        “Dad, Dad, can I go with Esther and her family to church tomorrow?” asked Sprinkle, excitedly. “Esther, the girl from two doors down? The Martins?” asked her father. “Yes, that’s them.” said Sprinkle. “Esther invited me to her church.” “Hmmm. I don’t know, Sprinkle.” said her father. “You know your mother and I like us all to worship as a family.” “Please Dad? It will just be this once,” pleaded Sprinkle. “Well, all right, I suppose it was nice of her to ask. And next week, why don’t you ask Esther if she’d like to come with you to your church? That would be polite, don’t you think?” “Yes, Dad, I will!” said Esther as she danced up to her room. Boys and girls, see how Esther’s father at first tried to stand in the way so she couldn’t hear the truth? The devil puts many bad things in our way so we won’t believe in Jesus. But because Sprinkle was doing what was right, Jesus helped her. We should always do what’s right, so that Jesus will always help us.

        Scene 2
        It was Esther’s first time to be in a real Bibleโ€“teaching, New Testament, full-gospel, KJV-only church. She was glad Esther had warned her not to dress like a sinner, because all the women and girls had very long dresses.

        She didn’t understand everything about what the preacher said. He wasn’t like her father at all; he was very sweaty and he yelled a lot. But, boys and girls, that’s because he believed the truth. When we believe the truth we have to tell people. Sometimes it seems a little strange, but the more spiritual a preacher is, the louder he will yell. This shows that he loves Jesus.

        At the end of the yelling time, Sprinkle understood what was happening. The preacher told everyone to close their eyes and bow their heads. No peeking! Sprinkle wondered what would happen if she peeked, but she was scared to find out. So she stood quietly while the organ began to play a song. At first it was pretty, but Sprinkle wondered why it had to be played so many times. You see boys and girls, when we invite people to come down the aisle, sometimes we have to help them. The Holy Spirit wants them to come, but he’s not able to bring them by himself! He needs the preacher’s help, and some music, too. That helps people to feel sorry for their sins and loving toward Jesus.

        Scene 3
        Finally, the preacher said: “Are you sure you’re saved? If youโ€™re not 100%, absolutely, without a doubt, convinced you are savedโ€ฆ raise your hand (Every head bowed, every eye closed). If you raised your handโ€ฆ look at me (No one looking around). If you looked at meโ€ฆ pray this prayer (Every head bowed and eye closed). Lord Jesus, I am a sinner. But I believe that you died upon the cross for me. I accept you now as my Savior. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus. If you prayed that prayer, get up right now and come down front.โ€

        “Go!” whispered Esther, as she gave Sprinkle a little push. “Look, other people are going!” Sprinkle felt a little better when she saw the other people walking down the aisle, so she went. When she got there, a very tall man asked her if she’d prayed the prayer, and if she had really, really meant it. Sprinkle talked with the man for a while, and then he explained something very important to her: now that she was saved, she needed to get baptized into a good church.

        Sprinkle wasn’t sure her father would be happy about this, but if it was important, she wanted to do it. You see boys and girls, when we accept Jesus into our hearts we then have to do what he wants no matter what. Have you asked Jesus into your hearts, like Sprinkle did? Come back tomorrow and see what happens to Sprinkle next.

        (Don’t worry; Sprinkle will get out of this!)

        1. In scene one, the teacher forgot to add that Sprinkle’s dancing up to her room shows that her heart was not right with God even though she’d been to church all her life. She has to go to ESTHER’S church to learn that dancing is a sin. Joy is supposed to be down in your heart not out in your legs.

        2. When we gonna get to the part where Sparlke was riding in the car with her rebellious sister who was playing AC/DC “Highway to Hell” when they had a wreck, just a half mile down the road from the Church where Sparkle was attending VBS, and the CD was ejects so forcefully it nearly cut Sparkle’s head clean off? Earlier Sparkle had been in a service and the altar call was given but she refused to go down and get saved, quenching the Holy Spirit for the last time in her miserable sin stained life.

          When the EMS arrived on the scene they could still hear “Highway to Hell” blaring from the speakers. One of the volunteer firemen on the scene was a deacon at the Church and had attended that afternoon service, he noticed that Sparkle clearly needed to go down to the altar and he had even suggested he would go with her if she wanted… but she refused and this tragedy was the result of that fatal decision she had made.

        3. Miriam, you listened to “The Sugar Creek Gang” alot didn’t you? Or read “Flecia Cartwright” books?

        4. @PWโ€“I KNEW I forgot something. This only goes to show that we must be right with God at all times so we’ll recognize our important opportunities when they show up!

          @Donโ€“I’m ashamed to say that when I was a young teen, I taught those CEF “Run, Ma Run” and “Ti-Fam the Witchdoctor’s Daughter” stories. Not quite like this, as I wasn’t a fundy. And I actually didn’t give an invitation at the end, because I didn’t believe in those. I changed the stories a bit, but ultimately I did teach them. I think I read Sugar Creek Gang, too. Can’t remember now. But it does seem to be coming out, right?

        5. Day 4
          Scene 1
          The tall man told Sprinkle that she should come to their church and get baptized again. In fact, the man said that she could come to his house to get baptized in his pool if she wanted to do it right away. At that moment Esther ran up. “Um, Sprinkle?” she said as she grabbed Sprinkle’s hand, grimacing a bit at the tall man, “why don’t we go back to talk to my Dad?”

          Esther’s father took them all to lunch at the Golden Corral. Sprinkle had never been to such a place before. There were so many people in dresses and suits, and so much food being consumed that Sprinkle didn’t know how so few people could be eating it. Her mouth dropped open as she saw one man walk by with at least ten pieces of fried chicken on his plate. This was kind of exciting! Could she have all the dessert she wanted?

          Sprinkle was on her fourth bowl of ice cream when Esther’s father sat down with a grunt and began to open sugar and creamer packets for his coffee. She noticed the mug was only half full, so she figured he must have been drinking it on the way over to the table. Esther’s day talked for a long time about the important of being baptized correctly, as the level of drink in his coffee mug slowly rose completely to the top. By the time he was done, Esther was determined to come back in two weeks and get baptized, so she could be a real Christian. Boys and girls, we must always be a witness, no matter where we are. It can be in the restaurant, over sugar, in the parking lot, or anywhere people stop moving for 3-5 seconds. You see that Esther’s daddy didn’t even need to stop eating to be a witness! What a great example, don’t you think?

          Scene 2
          When Sprinkle got home, she didn’t feel nearly as excited as when she left the church. Oh, she was still very glad to be saved boys and girls, though she still wasn’t quite sure if she was really saved since she wasn’t baptized yet. But it was hard to be excited when she was so nauseus. See how the devil plays tricks on us, boys and girls? He puts the things of this world in the way so that we can’t have the joy joy joy joy, down in our hearts!

          The next few hours were very hard for Sprinkle, what with the hypoglycemic headache and throwing up all that food. Sprinkle spent a lot of time crying in the bathroom, as her mother held her hair and comforted her. This was the perfect time for Sprinkle to talk about why God was punishing her, but because her mother wasn’t a real Christian she didn’t know how to do that. Why do you think God was punishing Sprinkle, boys and girls?

          When she was finally feeling better the next morning, Sprinkle came down to breakfast and began to tell her parents all about what had happened at Esther’s church. But her parents didn’t seem as excited as she thought they would be. Sprinkle was very confused.

          Scene 3
          “Sprinkle,” said her father. “Why do you think you’re a Christian now, but you weren’t a Christian on Saturday?” “Because I didn’t pray the Sinners Prayerยฉ, Dad. Now I have, so now Jesus is in my heart.” Sprinkle’s Dad sighed a bit, and thought for a minute. “So, Sprinkle, you’re saved now because you did something?” “Yes, Dad, that’s right!”

          “Sprinkle, do you believe anything different about Jesus? I mean, something different today than you believed on Saturday?” “No, I don’t think so,” answered Sprinkle thoughtfully. “Well, Sprinkle you know you can always pray to God. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I want you to be clear that your prayer yesterday did not save you. There’s nothing you can do to save yourself. You’re saved because Jesus died on the cross for your sins. I know you love Him, and you want to please Him and worship Him and you feel free to pray to Him. This kind of thing is evidence that God has given you true faith. It’s fine for you to pray, honey. But just be clear that your prayer didn’t save you. You remember Eph 2:8-9, right? For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”

          Boys and girls, this is how people sometimes twist the Bible to make is say things that aren’t true. Sprinkle’s father was using a very sinful modern translation of the Bible. How could he be saved if he wasn’t using the pure seed of God’s word. It’s impossible, boys and girls. And worst of all, he was telling Sprinkle that she didn’t have to confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus. Have you confessed with your mouth the Lord Jesus, boys and girls? Come back tomorrow to find out what happens to Sprinkle!

        6. Day 5
          Scene 1
          Sprinkle had a long talk with her Dad that day, and she was much happier. It felt better to trust Jesus for her salvation, instead of herself. She had already begun to worry if her prayer was sincere enough! And her Dad told her she wasn’t going back to be re-baptized. She felt comfortable about that. This was very dangerous, boys and girls. When we feel comfortable, we are usually sinning. If we don’t stop and repent sincerely enough, God will bring some terrible thing into our lives to make us stop our sin. Have you sinned today, boys and girls? Maybe you didn’t obey your parents or your pastor today? Make sure you repent so Jesus will accept you again.

          Sprinkle’s Dad had also told her that Jesus planned to save her long before she was born, and that she could trust God because God is faithful. Oh children, such lies are the tools of Satan! I hope you’ll never believe such silly things. God is faithful when we are faithful to him. Jesus says, Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.

          Sprinkle was feeling safe and secure, confident in Jesus and His work, and very thankful. She ran outside to play again. Today she wanted to ride her bike! She was zooming around, pretending she was riding a horse, when Esther walked up.

          Scene 2
          “Sprinkle, are you going to come to my church this weekend again? So you can be baptized?” “Oh no!” said Sprinkle, as she zipped past Esther. “I talked with my Dad. Jesus saves me, and I am already baptized. It’s ok!” Esther knew that if Sprinkle was so happy, she couldn’t really be saved. But she was determined to persevere.

          “Sprinkle, didn’t you learn anything yesterday?” Esther pleaded. “Oh yes!” said Sprinkle. “I learned that eating five bowls of ice cream is a really stupid thing to do! My Dad said moderation in everything is a better idea than eating everything we want. He says I’ll feel better and be able to enjoy the things God’s given us if I do that. That’s what he does with his beer, too.”

          Beer! Esther almost fainted. How could she ever think that someone from such a wicked home could ever be really saved? Maybe one day the seed she had planted in Sprinkle would grow up, but for now she knew she had to get away from there. Why, Sprinkle’s father might be drunk right now! For her testimony’s sake, she had to leave. Boys and girls, there’s only one time when we can’t be a witness with our words. That’s when we might lose our testimony. What are some ways we can lose our testimony, children? That’s right, going to a restaurant with a bar, talking to a boy or a girl without someone to watch us, being friends with a pipe smoker. But when we leave this situation, that’s a witness! Then the wicked people will know what they are doing is wrong. Only pastors are strong enough to stay in sinful places so they can witness with their words, children. The rest of us need to draw a line, and then stay way, way back from it. Don’t even get close to it, girls and boys.

          Scene 3
          Sprinkle didn’t understand Esther’s sudden exit, but she was happy anyway. Little did she know that coming up the hill to the east was a giant tractor trailer truck! The driver was lost on these small roads, and he wasn’t paying attention. Sprinkle was riding her bike on the same street as the truck! What would happen?

          We can’t know boys and girls. You see, Esther has gone into her house, and she and her family have separated from Sprinkle; so we cannot see her anymore. Esther and her family are doing the right thing, don’t you think? Because God says therefore come out from among them, and be ye separate and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you. God doesn’t love us if we spend time with wicked people.

          Even though we can’t see Sprinkle anymore, boys and girls, we can guess, can’t we? What do you think God will do to Sprinkle for her sin? What do you think she deserves? Do you want to end up like Sprinkle, children? If you want to be saved and safe like Esther, pray this with me…

        7. That was rough to read, Miriam! I hope you have a good strong dose of grace and love after having had to WRITE it!

          “When we feel comfortable, we are usually sinning” – I’ve heard that one!

        8. I would like to apologize for the occasional name mixโ€“up between Esther and Sprinkle, and the misspellings and such. I was trying to churn out the story as fast as possible while I had time to do it.

        9. Never mind that. I know many of us were enjoying the story. It was a very good example of Fundy-think. :mrgreen:

        10. I will admit to chringing at the truth of an adult asking children, “What do you think God will do to Sprinkle for her sin? What do you think she deserves? Do you want to end up like Sprinkle, children? If you want to be saved and safe like Esther, pray this with meโ€ฆ

          What do you think she deserves?
          “now lets all go out to the rock pile and choose a good one, then after lunch we can practice throwing it at our “Sparkle” target amen?”

        11. Yeah, I actually cringed writing it. I deleted it once because I couldn’t bear to say it. Then I decided what I was writing wasn’t going to be what every one of them might say with their actual words, but rather the attitude and heart they teach their own children to have by their actions and attitudes.

          And hopefully to leave the observant reader sure that he/she wants the happiness and safety that Sprinkle enjoys, not the empty religion of Esther. The story started out fun, but then it took on a life of its own.

        1. All it is, is a Phil Kidd/Sammy Allen/et al mashup. One time they’ll tell it the music was still playing, another time the CD ejected and killed someone, it’s all because the victim refused to go to the altar, or they walked out on God (or rather the M-O-g’s sermon du jour) and God cut them down.

          I’m sure if one looks deep enough that illustration can be found in several versions on the internet.

  8. The Story of Little Juan the heathen. Little Juan lived in the Dominican Republic. One Sunday morning he was sitting in church and he thought “It is very hot and humid here. Why does the missionary insist that I wear a dark suit and tie if I am to serve in the church? I know that is what his pastor taught but his church is in Chicago where it is cold.” Then Little Juan the heathen decided to quit wearing his suit and tie to church. The week after that he started drinking and doing heroin. The following week he was shot and killed by a drug dealer. This sad story shows that you should always do what the pastor tells you to do, no matter how ridiculous.

    *Though the missionary who originally told this story has been widely discredited fundamentalists will continue to repeat this story for decades even though it is doubtful that it ever happened.

  9. oh, it was supposed to reflect real fundyland adventures . . .
    “Little Susie’s Adventures in Obedience”
    day 1: Little Susie Loves to Obey Mother
    day 2: Little Susie Learns to Obey Father
    day 3: Little Susie Learns to Obey Jesus
    day 4: Little Susie Obeys the Assistant Pastor
    day 5: Little Susie Gives the Baby up for Adoption

    1. That’s the saddest thing. They are taught to obey authority, so have no tools when the authority male turns out to want to lead the trusting young female to his bedroom instead of leading her spiritually to Jesus. ๐Ÿ˜ฅ

  10. Mary Slessor was a Scottish Presbyterian Calvinist missionary. By right, in some fundy churches, she should be identified as a “heretic” from day one and eventually damned in Hell on day five. With the majority of the KJV translators (HT David Cloud), CH Spurgeon, George Muller, William Carey and every other Calvinist whom God has blessed, but “Calvinism-is-heresy” preacher has cursed. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    1. One little thing I noticed (but never mentioned) when I was a child was how the missionaries, song writers, and even pastors and evangelists we studied as Heroes of the Faith were NOT all IFB. Somehow we were allowed to honor and respect Christians of various denominations as long as they didn’t live in our OWN time; if they were our contemporaries, we had to separate from them and criticize them. ๐Ÿ™

      1. That holds especially true for Frank Garlock and past and present songwriters. He is the great judge of which songs can and can’t be used and when a non-approved writer’s influence is no longer among us, and thus his songs maybe used, as long as he approves of the songs.

  11. What have YOU Done for God?

    Day 1: How to properly place Chick Tractsโ„ข on commodes and urinals for best results.

    Day 2: How to put Chick Tractsโ„ข in cases of wine and beer at the grocery store without the appearance of evil.

    Day 3: Movie day: John R. Rice’s, He that Winneth Souls
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STwAF54ulEo&lr=1&feature=mhum

    Day 4: Preparing to Win Souls: Regarding Bathing what breath mints to use. Exciting overhead projector points taken directly from Jack Hyles’ “How to boost your Church Attendance” booklet.

    Be Clean and Neat. If a person is going to be a soul winner he must not be offensive to the people with whom he talks. It is a definite asset for a soul winner to be careful to bathe often, to avoid body odor. Teeth should be brushed, and the breath should be tested. Carry mints in your pockets or some good flavored chewing gum which will help keep the breath from being offensive. One of the most damaging things in soul winning is the effect of halitosis. By all means, a soul winner should watch this carefully. The soul winner should also be neatly dressed. A lady should be dressed conservatively, and I think it is best for a man to at least wear a shirt with a tie.

    Day 5: Soul winning contest day. Bring the souls you have won to Christ this week with you to VBS today. The winner will receive a Brand new 1611 King James Black Leather wide margined Bible autographed by the pastor himself. You won’t want to miss the excitement or a prize of this caliber.

    additional resources: http://www.chick.com/cartoons/witness.asp
    http://www.wholesomewords.org/etexts/cloud/witness.html

    1. “The soul winner should also be neatly dressed. A lady should be dressed conservatively, and I think it is best for a man to at least wear a shirt with a tie.”

      I don’t know, Don. I’m thinking that some pants and shoes might be appropriate there, too, especially going soul-winning with a conservatively-dressed lady. Otherwise people might get some very peculiar ideas.

        1. (I wasn’t done, George!)

          If Saint- er… BROTHER Hyles says that men should only wear a shirt and tie, and nothing else, when soul-winning, then get to it men!
          ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜†

    2. @Don,

      I used to do that. I used to get a bunch of tracts about alcohol from the Fellowship Tract League and slip them inside cases of beer at the store.

      Ironically, a couple of months ago I went to the grocery and bought a case of beer. When I got home there was a tract stuck inside it! It gave me a good chuckle. ๐Ÿ™‚ It was from the local Holiness church so it wasn’t exactly fundy but it still made me laugh.

      1. *snicker* When I go to Wally-World I go by the beer and wine aisles just to see what tracts are being left and I am rarely dissapointed. (remember I am in the rusted buckle of the Bible Belt, home of the SOTL National Conference ๐Ÿ™„ )

        We have a “Totally Wine” warehouse in town and the prices beat Wal-mart so that’s where I go to purchase adult beverages… fundies won’t go near the place. ๐Ÿ˜‰

        1. This tract I found in my beer was a real doozy. It had a picture of a wrecked car and a skull and crossbones on the front. I guess that is what is supposed to happen to you when you drink beer.

          They should have put a picture of me dozing off in the recliner while watching Frasier reruns. That is less exciting though.

          We are near a big Assembly of God Bible College so they paper the area with their tracts all the time. We are near a Fundy Bible College too so we get a lot of their literature too.

  12. Day 1: Little Billy gets the Callยฉ.
    Day 2: Pastor Billy takes over at his father’s church.
    Day 3: Pastor Billy takes the youth group camping.
    Day 4: Satan inspires the young people to accuse Pastor Billy of things.
    Day 5: Pastor Billy gets a new church in another state.

  13. “Timmy Learns To Be Perfect–But Not Soon Enough”
    day 1: Timmy Gets Saved at the Age of 3, when his mommy reads the Right Bible to him
    day 2: Timmy witnesses to all his friends at school and surrenders to go to the Mission Field
    day 3: Timmy goes soulwinning, passes out Chick Tracts, and cuts his hair just Right
    day 4: Timmy enters his reckless youth and commits a single moral indiscretion, like kissing a girl or using a Ouija Board
    Day 5: Timmy is kicked out of fundy U, ostracized from his church, and treated like scum by his own parents. He spends the rest of his life flipping burgers when he should have been a missionary in Africa.

    So you see boys and girls . . . It doesn’t matter how good you are, if you slip up once, you’re not PERFECT. Jesus only uses PERFECT people.

    1. Addition to Day 4:

      All the other Christian youths (and adults) around Timmy were doing the same kinds of things (and much, much worst), but they didn’t get caught. So you see, children, the real secret to perfection is not getting caught, or having a powerful enough daddy that the dirt just slides right off.

  14. Our Preserved Word:

    Day 1: Nothing good ever comes out of Alexandria.
    Day 2: The Heretics: Westcott & Hort.
    Day 3: Testimonies from Gail Riplinger and Sam Gipp.
    Day 4: Prooftexting verses from the KJV to prove the KJV is God’s only authorized, preserved Word.
    Day 5: Bible PERversion burning party.

  15. Day 1: Johnny gets Calledยฉ to the mission field.
    Day 2: How Johnny spent nine years raising support.
    Day 3: How Johnny decided the language was too hard so he started a ministry to the US military instead.
    Day 4: How Johnny spent nearly three years in a foreign country preaching to Americans.
    Day 5: How Johnny moves back to his home church and starts a bus route.

  16. Day One: 8 Year Old Girl is called to the mission field at VBS
    Day Two: Girl grows Up to be a strong independant Woman with a mind of her own because she went to a non-denominational Christian school
    Day Three: Girl faced with choosing what college to attend and after much prayer decides to seek wise counsel from the MOG
    Day Four: Girl Told by MOG that if she doesn’t attend their church fellowship’s college then her home church will not support her as a missionary.
    Day Five: Girl makes her own decision and chose the school SHE wanted, and lived happily ever working in a secular profression she loves.

    Now, boys and girls, this is what happens when you are influenced by other worldly denominations who speak in tongues and raise their hands. You must separate and heed the words of the MOG.

  17. ๐Ÿ‘ฟ “The Mortal Sins” ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

    Day 1. CCM (Sandy patti, Steve Green, Carman, etc.)
    Day 2. The “per”Versions (All but the King Jimmy)
    Day 3. Immodest Dress; Girls, stick with the burka.
    Day 4. All Media (except what is sold on the table in the back. Amen?)
    Day 5. That heathen church you will attend on Sunday as we predict your danmed soul will not be here with us, the church that gave you this enlightening VBS week! And we had fun! Praayyyeesse Gaaawwwdddd!!!!! Now, Every head bowed, every eye closed…

  18. Day 1: You are a sinner
    Day 2: You are a sinner and must obey Jesus
    Day 3: You are a sinner and must obey Jesus and your parents.
    Day 4: You are a sinner and must obey Jesus, your parents, and your Pastor.
    Day 5: Jesus died for you, but you are still a sinner.

    1. Yeah, that’s pretty much the message I got as a kid. Except it wasn’t just “obey Jesus, your parents, and your Pastor;” it was “obey Jesus, your parents and all authority figures (i.e. pretty much any adult who crosses your path).”

  19. Day 1: Jimmy and Sarah, two good Christian young people, meet each other at a Revival Meeting and begin their chaste, well-chaperoned courtship.

    Day 2: Jimmy and Sarah get married. Jimmy thinks the sex is fine, but wishes Sarah would get excited enough to really get into it. Sarah is afraid to enjoy herself too much because if she sweats or her hair gets messy she won’t be perfect and she must always be perfect.

    Day 3: Jimmy realizes that just because Sarah was a virgin when they married, that doesn’t make her the virtuous woman described in Proverbs 31. Sarah can’t balance a check book, much less make a land deal. Quite frankly, Sarah is dumb as a box of rocks.

    Day 4: Sarah realizes what a spineless weasel her husband is when he continues to support their local MOG against accusations leveled at him by several teen girls in their church’s Christian school. When their smarmy MOG leaves the church in a huff and establishes his own church, Jimmy and Sarah leave and go with him. Jimmy is rewarded for his loyalty with a spot on the Board of Deacons.

    Day 5: Jimmy and Sarah live the rest of their lives putting on a happy front for their church and community, but both know (without ever acknowledging it to each other) that they are in a loveless marriage they dare not get out of. Jimmy contents himself with a growing Internet porn addiction while Sarah carries on a discreet affair with the barely-legal-age kid that cuts their grass, who personally loves it when she’s sweaty and her hair is a mess.

    1. This hit a little close to home… After day 4, the story I know varied: Sarah and Jimmy split up; she accused him of being a pervert and abuser, and he accused her of not being saved. Little children have to live with a broken home. It’s very, very sad.

      1. Ouch…sorry. This was supposed to be amusing, not painful.

        Perhaps I should’ve gone with my original urge and had Sarah leave Jimmy for Megan. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  20. Day 1: The Bible is your only authority.
    Day 2: Your bus ministry director is your only authority.
    Day 3: Your parents are your only authority.
    Day 4: Your pastor is your only authority.
    Day 5: God is your only authority.

  21. Of course the white lady has to protect the helpless Africans from the hippo. Since they are Africans who have lived around hippos for millenia they would have no idea of what to do if there were no white people to protect them. ๐Ÿ™„ ๐Ÿ™„ ๐Ÿ™„ ๐Ÿ™„ ๐Ÿ™„ ๐Ÿ™„ ๐Ÿ™„ ๐Ÿ™„ ๐Ÿ™„

    1. apparently she must be sporting some serious biceps and pectorals underneath those feminine puffed sleeves and modest turtleneck blouse. All the native men are just standing back, cowering in fear while she takes out the hippo.

      1. This might be an appropriate place to point out just how appropriate a high-necked, long-sleeved blouse covered by a heavy jumper is for the climate of Calabar, where the average daily temperature is in the 80s to 90s F (in the shade).

        After all, what would the natives think if they saw you dressing like everyone else they have ever seen?

    1. Well, I had an overnight guest show up this evening (it was evening where I am when this posted), and she had some reports to finish up before we watched a movie or something, so I was sort of sitting around waiting and the muse struck. But, yes…way too much time.

  22. Day 1: Best Friends. Child’s best friend dies and goes to hell because no one told him about Jesus.
    Day 2: God’s Share. Child is crippled for life because they did not tithe.
    Day 3: Loving God. Child’s pet dies because they loved their pet too much. (God was jealous.)
    Day 4: Godly Vision. Child was blinded because they watched Sponge Bob at a friend’s house.
    Day 5: Shining for God. Child dies in fire and goes to hell because they did not have a cheerful attitude when told to clean room by mother.

  23. Day 1: Your heart is dark, dirty, grungy, and ugly, just like a dirty mop . [Or… “Let’s use a bad mop analogy to make a fundy point”)

    Day 2: The only way to clean the ugly mop of a heart that you have is by using Jesus as your cleaner (he’s the only ‘soap’ that works), and the only way to properly wash that the mop of your heart is by immersion baptism in lukewarm bathtub wearing an awkward robe (robed bathtub immersion is the only ‘water’ that works). Other attempts to clean the mop are not really going to make that mop clean. Some folks unfortunately think they are cleaning the mop, but they really aren’t.

    Day 3: If you use the mop in the dirty messes of life where the sinful world lives, then the mop gets dirty and cannot be cleaned again. Don’t get that mop dirty. The only good use of a clean mop is to be kept in the closet, where it stays bright and shiny and carefully kept.

    Day 4: Mops that have been properly clean identify with other clean mops, just as true Christians only identify with other true Christians. When the mop is dirty, the clean mops can easily identiy them by their dirt and can better stay away from them. Stay away from any dirty mops – they can only get you dirty too.

    Day 5: One day, the great mop-maker will come to throw all dirty mops into the fire and take only the clean mops away to live with him forever.

    1. Made me think of this: “Sometimes you just have to take what life gives you. ‘Cause life is like a mop and sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff, you just gotta clean it out, you, you gotta put it in here and rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes, sometimes, life sticks to the floor so bad, you know a mop? A mop just it’s not good enough…It’s not good enough. You gotta get down there with like a toothbrush you know and you gotta you gotta really scrub! You’ve got to get it off. You’ve got to really try to get it off. But if that doesn’t work, that doesn’t work you can’t give up… you gotta stand right up and gotta run to the window and yell, ‘Hey! These floors are dirty as hell, and I’m not gonna take it anymore!!'”

    2. Your use of the mop idea puts me in mind of of Ursala LeGuin’s story “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas” which includes the line “The child is afraid of the mops.” Taken out of context I always find that hysterically funny. ๐Ÿ˜€

  24. Day 1- go to church building for games and fun

    Day 2- get emotionally manipulated/ terrorized into asking Jesus into your heart

    Day 3- begin reading your free bible given to you for praying the sinners prayer

    Day 4- ask questions about the bible you’ve been reading

    Day 5- get kicked out forever for asking questions

    1. I’m not sure how Darrell meant it, but I didn’t read it as racist. Rather, I meant it as he was pointing out a Fundy double standard. It’s okay for a woman to teach men as a missionary, but not okay if she’s at home. I’ve often wondered about that myself. ๐Ÿ™„

      1. in “what’s so amazing about grace” (a book which gives most hardline fundies appoplexy) philip yancy points out a prime example of hypocritical double standards. He grew up in the deep south and his white church spent thousandsof dollars (a lot of money in the 1950’s and ’60’s) supporting missionaries to “darkest africa” and even sending a few misssionaries themselves. yet they would not let an african-american christian into the church to have fellowship with them. that would be heresy

      2. in “what’s so amazing about grace” (a book which gives most hardline fundies appoplexy) philip yancy points out a prime example of hypocritical double standards. He grew up in the deep south and his white church spent thousandsof dollars (a lot of money in the 1950’s and ’60’s) supporting missionaries to “darkest africa” and even sending a few misssionaries themselves. yet they would not let an african-american christian into the church to have fellowship with them. that would be heresy

    2. Can you point out to me what exactly was racist in what I said?

      ETA: (unless perhaps you thought I was expressing my own opinion instead of the generally accepted practice in fundamentalism)

    3. Umm…you do know that mentioning race doesn’t equate to racism, right? ๐Ÿ™„

      I’m white. My neighbors have darker skin than I do. Oooh, I’m racist now too.

      1. The vast majority of people (even most “white” people) have darker skin than I do.
        About all that means to me is that I’ll probably get skin cancer.

        Mmm, is the sun a racist?

        1. I probably don’t have darker skin than you; I say this because most “white” people have darker skin than me, too. I live in Southern Arizona. I wear a shirt while swimming, and it’s not because of Fundy teachings! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  25. VBS for Girls Ages 5-12 – growing to be the woman God wants me to be
    1. Day 1 – Dress modestly at all times; never wear pants.
    Crafts – Sewing together the front and back of pre-cut out, pre hemmed long denim doll’s jumpers lovingly prepared by our women’s groups. Alternately, there will be some actual baby jumpers for older girls to work putting finishing touches on.
    2. Day 2 – It is possible to dress modestly and have fun!
    Crafts – Making posterboard collages by gluing on pictures of girls swimming in culotte swimsuits and swim dresses, riding bicycles wearing culottes or dresses, at amusement parks in culottes or dresses, or any other approved sport or fun activity dressed modestly.
    Day 3 – Growing up in modesty. This is where we learn the changes in our bodies, and how important purity is. (Note: for this day, we separate the groups into an “older” (9 – 12 year old) and a “younger” (5 – 8 year old) for most of the day. Any parent who wishes can have an older child in the younger group.)
    Craft – For 9 through 12 year olds – Making our very own cloth pad for when we start our first period! http://www.thekingsdaughters.com/mamapads.html
    For 5 through 8 year olds, and any older girl whose parent doesn’t wish her to make the period pad – Soap making! (Note: No dangerous lye is involved. We start with a soap base, let the girls add very feminine fragrances of rose or lavender, and then pour into flower shaped molds.)
    Day 4 – What about school? – This is when we discuss how important it is to be homeschooled or to go a Christian school, and pointers for girls that are not to tell their parents they should be! Also we discuss how, if a girl wants to go to college, it is important to go to BJU or PCC.
    Craft – Gluing on poster board fliers and ads for ABeka and other approved homeschool curriculum, fliers for our own K-12 school, and BJU and PCC fliers, ads, catalog pages, etc.
    Day 5 – Our highest calling – Marrying a good Christian man, preferably a preacher or a missionary, and having good Christian children
    Craft – Stitching the edges of fleece doll sized baby blankets, lovingly cut out by our women’s ministry. Alternately, there will be some actual baby blankets for the older girls to work on.

    1. Every time I read one of these sorts of things, I think about The Handmaid’s Tale. Be careful what you wish for.

      Also, anyone who conflates virginity with purity should not be allowed to address either subject.

    2. What I think is absolutely, totally hilarious is there are other people that agree with the really old-fashioned Fundy-type like this about cloth pads. I’ve found that some people who like cloth pads are environmentalists and ultra-feminists who feel that everything about our female bodies is excellent, including menstrual blood. I wonder if ladies like these would “separate” from cloth pads if they knew these ultra-liberals champion cloth pads? ๐Ÿ˜†

      1. I find it odd that when a Christian group gets really far to the right the women start resembling hippies. They start wearing the really long, flowing skirts, they have the long straight hair, they don’t wear makeup and they eat only vegetables and such.

        If the Christians wore tie-dye and smelled like patchouli and weed you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

        1. And there’s also the Fundie women like Zusanna Anderson, some of the “Quiverfull” women, and some others that believe in and teach home birth. I don’t think even the hippies went that far.

          I don’t have anything against home birth per se, but it has to be the woman’s decision. When it becomes a teaching that it’s the most Godly way to have a baby, then women who are higher risk, women who should not have a baby at home do, or try to. And some pay with their lives or their baby’s lives.

        2. A lot of fundies ARE former hippies. The two cultures overlap surprisingly well: the herd mentality, the ignorant devotion to a “righteous” cause, etc. My parents who met at a drug deal and were tofu munching nuts are now about as fundie as you can get: dad is a deacon and mom does what she can to run the church while covering up her “affair of the heart” with the recently fired (by my dad and the other deacons) youth pastor.

  26. Day 1: Be careful little lips what you say.
    Day 2: Be careful little ears what you hear.
    Day 3. Be careful little eyes what you see.

    Day 4: The Father up above is looking down above ready to strike down all who would dare cross Him in any of the smallest things.

    Day 5: So be careful little eyes what you see.

  27. Jimmy’s Adventures in Fundystan
    Day 1: Jimmy and the Stolen Candy
    Lesson:God hates you, but Jesus absorbed his wrath, so come to Jesus.

    Day 2: Jimmy Talks Back
    Lesson: God still hates you, but you can come down the aisle and get right with Him at least until the next time you sin.

    Day 3: Jimmy Learns Discernment
    Lesson: It is ok to be a total ass, as long as you believe the right stuff about salvation and other essential doctrines like the rapture and the age of the earth.

    Day 4: Jimmy Gets Deceived
    Lesson: If you start to get disillusioned with Fundystan, Satan is moving into your heart.

    Day 5: Jimmy Gets What For
    Lesson: I love you so much that I am going to spread lies about you and excommunicate you if you dare to leave our cult! I mean church.

    1. Jimmy’s behavior on Day 3 is probably what propelled him (if he listened to the Spirit) and perhaps others who observed him into day 4 – disillusionment.

      It’s a total fallacy that it doesn’t matter how you behave as long as you BELIEVE the right things, and yet this is what is being taught in many IFB churches, if not in words then certainly by how they live.

      Suddenly some of us wake up and realize, “Hey! Christians aren’t supposed to act like arrogant donkeys!!!”

  28. Day 1 – Titus is raised in an old-fashioned, sin-hatin’, “sinner-lovin'”, KJV 1611, independent, fundamental, baptist church by parents who are loyal to God/the pastor (same thing, right?).

    Will Titus keep himself unspotted from the world by avoiding any contact with the neighbor kids that go to the Episcopalian church?

    Day 2 – Titus’ pastor and parents decide that he will go to an old-fashioned, sin-hatin’… etc. fundamentalist unaccredited Bible college and pursue a degree in pastoral studies.

    Will Titus do the right thing by waking up at 6 AM to do his room job, even though he just worked the night shift and has to go to class at 9 AM?

    Day 3 – Titus lets Satan have a stronghold in his life when he makes the mistake of recognizing the rampant hypocrisy, ungodliness, and false doctrines in his church and college.

    Will Titus do the right thing and ignore anything and everything besides mindless praise, so that the church that Jesus needs so very badly can keep going?

    Day 4 – Titus falls even further from the faith by participating in discussions with people that don’t hold to IFB doctrines and, worst of all, visiting a blog that makes fun of the Holy Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Church.

    Will Titus heed the comments of those that God sent to warn the heathens on these blogs that they are all bitter morons for speaking out? (Its okay for them to be on those blogs, they have God’s special permission)

    Day 5 – Titus refuses to repent of the vile sin of thinking, and so our loving God gets revenge on him by killing his entire family in a series of car accidents/murders/house fires. Titus is devastated and alone.

    Don’t you want to avoid Titus’ fate, boys and girls? Have you ever questioned this church or its pastor about anything? Get right with God now, before its too late!

        1. Unless she’s the unfortunate victim of a car accident intended to prove to Titus the error of his ways and to set him up forever as an illustration in a fundy sermon.

      1. Oops! Forgot that that was CMG’s hubby’s name! No, not meant to be the same Titus. I just wanted to use one of those well known Biblical names instead of a generic “Johnny” or something like that.

  29. Darrell if you don’t won’t me to post on your forum all you had to do was ask. You didn’t have to fabricate an issue to pretend to be outraged about. Guess that avatar of yours is more accurate than anyone would have guessed. You can take the boy out of fundamentalism but can’t take the fundamentalism out of the boy.

    1. Oh, Zadig, if you had behaved and not been such a jerk, you would not have been banned. Darrell was very patient with you. You were arrogant, rude, pushy, and obnoxious.

    2. Talking outside the bubble means that people are allowed to disagree with you. But it also means that people are free to call you on your bad behavior.

  30. Over at Free Jinger, there’s a post about a missionary wife’s blog. They just went to Zambia, and ew, it’s dusty. And there’s so much red dirt. And you can’t get good produce at the grocery store. And she can’t take care of the house and grounds on top of her missionary work and all her other duties, but she’s afraid to let strangers through the gate. And nothing looks like it was supposed to!

    Like the happy smiling people lining up to be saved in this book, I guess.

    News flash: Other people are not props.

    1. Its sad that an adult woman didn’t know, before actually going to a foreign mission field, that real life missionary work wasn’t going to be as neat and easy as the missionary stories told to small children.

  31. late to the party, looking at the picture at the top, specifically at the hippo part, I suppose the lady could be reacting to the hippo’s breath… ๐Ÿ™„

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