Friday Challenge: Poetry

We had some fantastic entries the other day in response to Jack Schaap’s awful doggerel that both were entertaining and informative. Today’s challenge is to compose a bit of verse about any fundamentalist topic you choose. Lay out a limerick, hustle up a haiku, furnish us with free verse.

The poem judged to be best will be awarded with bragging rights and an honorary doctorate in Pulpit Poetry from Old Paths U.

154 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Poetry”

    1. Question: Does FBC Hammond leave an empty chair on the dais in honor of Emperor Jack? I was just wondering, since they worship him so much it would only seem right that they keep a visual reminder of their god before the people.
      “Look as Dr. Hyles Chair”
      “Now, look at me”
      “Look at Dr. Hyles Chair”
      “and Now look at me”
      “Dr Hyles has gone to his reward, long live his blessed memory”
      **congregation replys**“Long live his blessed memory, h-e-y-men”
      “I now stand before you as one Called™ to be the voice of god unto you, and the people said….”
      ……and the people SAID….
      B-U-L-L GIPP!

  1. If there were a God, would He not tell
    Of some magic prayer, to get out of hell?
    And hell is for sinners, of whom you are chief
    Along with the pagans, and witches and thieves

    But other than skin tone, I simply can’t tell
    Who’s bound for heaven and who’s bound for hell
    I need a standard! (Besides love one another)
    To separate friend from Hegelian Other

    I tried to get Tom to wear bowler and nicks,
    He’s stronger than I, and gave me a kick
    I suppose I can only burden the weak
    Children and women, who must remain meek

    To keep young children from realizing power
    We’ll yell at them daily, and spank every hour
    And for the women we wish to control
    We’ll equate sexuality with losing your soul

    If we dress them in bags and imply they are whores
    Imagine how cheerfully they’ll do all our chores!
    And if they are teens in decent enough shape,
    May I suggest statuatory – ?

    I now have my righteous ducks all in a row
    My holiness shines like a Barnum and Bailey show
    The world is my ship; my wife’s the poop deck
    My rules like an albatross hang from my neck

    I go a-searching cross mountain and sea
    Seeking a convert to imitate me
    And when I have found him, I teach him well
    To be twice as much a child of hell

  2. With apologies to Frost————(and all other real poets.)

    Whose church this is I think you know
    His name is on the sign as though
    Lest some forget that Sunday’s here
    Who does put on the ranting show.

    My little kids must think it queer
    The goings on they see and hear
    As he goes tearing with no break
    His weekly tirades through the year.

    He gives the big black Book a shake
    As with voice doth loudly quake
    I wonder if a verse he’ll read
    As he relays everyone else’ mistake.

    He says I need his words to heed
    What happens if myself I read?
    I might actually see true joy.
    I might actually see true joy.

  3. Has anyone written a “Wish They All Could Be Fundamental Girls?” You could always talk about the girls up north at HAC, MBBC, NIU, etc., girls down south at BJ and PCC and the West Coast girls.

    I’d try this one, but don’t feel very creative right now.

  4. “Keep government out of our boarding schools” they say
    Then they beat the kids
    And say the reason why the “world” doesn’t like them
    Is because of the offense of the Cross. 🙄

  5. I’m cheating, since the only poetry I ever wrote started with “Here I sit all brokenhearted…” Here is the “Fundamentalist Rag” by Garrison Keillor

    Born Again
    Born Again
    Born Again
    Praise the Lord I’m Born Again

    Folks, you know I was born again
    So let me hear you say Amen
    We give thanks before every meal
    We don’t neck in an automobile
    Here’s the church, here’s the steeple
    We don’t want no worldly people

    We flee from sin especially lust,
    Don’t buy insurance. In God we trust.
    We take our burdens to the Lord in prayer
    Await the Rapture when we’d fly in the air
    You folks don’t know what you missed
    Not being fundamentalist

    On the Lord’s Day we don’t mow the lawn
    Don’t turn the TV on
    We get our thrills from Revelations
    Thinking about the Tribulation
    We are not Episcopalian
    That is entirely alien

    We don’t drink liquor or come near it
    The body is the temple of the Holy Spirit
    Don’t go to movies or to dances
    Don’t go to parties, why take chances?
    Bad things happen to folks who do
    For example just look at you…..

    We held off until we could marry
    Hoped to be a missionary
    Aimed to be a good disciple
    We believed in the Scofield Bible
    For Lutherans we had no use
    They were much too loose

    We were S-A-V-E-D
    We took the Bible literally
    Add up the numbers and you behold
    The Earth is 6000 years old
    If you believe in evolution, well,
    I guess you’ll have to go to hell.

    Rock of Ages, how great thou art
    Grab a hymnal, sing your part
    Let us turn toNumber 33
    Nearer My God To Thee
    Then we’ll sing Amazing Grace
    You sing tenor, I’ll take the bass

    We fled from lust, avoided sin, and also I used to be born again but now I’m Episcopaliant I am still mammalian

    I used to be born again but now I’m Episcopalian
    We play Bach but we’re not bacchanalian

  6. Here’s one I wrote in 2009. About people at my church. And also myself.

    Brood of Vipers

    You have never seen a fake quite as fake as me.
    Remember that snake that was under the tree?
    That show pony’s got nothin’ on me.
    This liar is a liar quite humble!

    I’ve got a tongue that knows that I’m right.
    Remember, son, I’m a tribal Levite!
    Search me up and down, try as you might.
    You’ll never watch me stumble.

    I pray in the public that kisses my ring.
    I’m the undercutting to all things.
    I thank God for being better than the trash that I bring.
    If it’s not me, it’s infernal.

    I know much more way more than you.
    I’m the do as I say, not the say as I do.
    And if your standards don’t meet my boundless cue:
    My judgment is eternal.

    (Looking past the haze, I’m the Harvard kid
    With a spoon in my mouth and swords under my ribs.)

    I’m in the back on the class, mocking your replies.
    I pretend that I see through virgin blue eyes.
    I’m the reason that faith withers and dies.
    I’ll cut you down before I know your name!

    When I spread my lips, it’s a world of hurt.
    In the middle of it all, I’m thinking ‘bout her skirt.
    Don’t tell me about a line in the dirt!
    I can seal up your remains!

    I want everything I eat on a silver platter.
    I gorge myself on filthy chatter.
    If you have an opinion, it doesn’t matter.
    Garbage in and garbage out!

    If you come against me, you’ll gaze a fist.
    In a perfect world, you wouldn’t exist.
    I’m drinking my wine, you’re drinking my piss.
    Hey, that’s what I’m all about!

    (Looking past the haze, I’m a no account punk,
    Who thinks he’s got all the answers, but none of the gut.)

    (How did I ever get this far?
    Who am I to say these kinds of things?
    Why do I receive my joy from everything that I destroy?
    Who do I think I am?

    Where is the light that I once had?
    Why don’t I practice what I preach?
    Why don’t I preach what I practice?
    And then see what the world will think of me?)

    I am the brood of vipers;
    I am the white washed tomb.
    I know the law for myself,
    But I still don’t have You.

    I am the Tree of Knowledge;
    I am the ego’s peak.
    I am the tyrant’s mouth
    And I am the vulture’s beak.

    I understand the scripture;
    I make my sacrifice.
    I’ve seen the Holy of Holies,
    I’ve been there once or twice.

    I sleep in shallow places;
    For silver I buy life.
    You can’t see it in my face,
    Even His soul has got a price.

    I saw the Resurrection;
    I can’t believe that “common truth”.
    I’m so sure in my insurrection,
    I just dismiss the proof.

    I only speak in I statements;
    Only myself do I trust.
    I say I know my God,
    But I don’t feel it much.

    I have no concept of love;
    Though I say that I am such.
    Still I deny the law of Christ;
    I’ve always been this out of touch.

    I say that I’m above you;
    I let you know day to day.
    But as I’m cutting through you,
    I’m only rotting away!

    (God, please save me! Spare my soul!
    God have mercy! My head shall roll!
    Kyrie elision!
    Ego haud credo! Gloria!)

  7. Sorry for going off topic– not feeling particularly mirthful today.

    I’ll steer this vessel by a star,
    As o’er the perilous sea I roam,
    To chart a course that’s sure and true,
    And guide the weary traveler home.

    By this bright star, steadfast and sure,
    That changes not with passing nights,
    I’ll find the way across the deep–
    Not by a passing vessel’s lights.

    And though the winds may howl and cry,
    And though the waters swell and roll,
    I’m safe within the hand of God–
    A mighty harbor for the soul.

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