108 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Superfundy!”

  1. I can’t believe I get to be second. By now I would have thought there’d be a dozen responses.

    I’ll post something meaningful and on topic when I have had a chance to let the creative juices flow.

  2. Miss Morality – With a wave of her hand (no touching, of course) she can tranform any halter top into a loose turtle neck with accompanying vest which would prevent any curves from showing.

    This same wave would turn britches into full length, slit-less denim skirts or jumpers with accessorizing white canvas tennis shoes.

    If she waves with both hands, those same britches can magically become full pleated culottes, the perfect piece for your day on the beach or at the horse ranch.

      1. so funny -you’re right. But if you could get her to sleep at the feet of the guy who owns the threshing mill down the road (eg. Ruth and Boaz) you might still get away with it.

  3. Louder than a 747….
    More holier than a pew full of Catholics….
    Able to twist scripture with a single verse….
    Look up in the pulpit….
    It’s a deacon
    It’s an elder
    It’s Pastorman!!!

  4. Captain Crazy A

    Can spin any common sunrise into a world wide conspiracy to deprive him of sleep and lessen his “soul winning ability” in less than 5 seconds.

    Also can invent soul winning experience stories on the fly.

  5. Mild mannered …wait that’s wrong. Rude and abrasive Harold Smith is a Fundy preacher on Sunday’s and Wednesday nights. But at all other times he is … The Judge. With a quick glance at someone’s outward appearance <The Judge can tell if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake. His hair is cut in true fundy style, high and tight with his face clean shaven. He is wearing a pair of horn rim glasses tapped over the bridge of the nose. His short-sleeved, white shirt is tucked in and he is wearing a too-short, striped tie. His blue pleated pants are held up (very high) by a black belt with an enormous KJV 1611 belt buckle. He is wearing brown wing tip shoes. Beware The Judge! He will call you out on everything. Nothing escapes The Judge!

      1. I was actually in college before someone told me that a short sleeve dress shirt and tie were a fasion faux pas; I had no idea. Every male in my church, including my father, wore them every Sunday (even in winter).

        Our pastor, was always wearing a white shirt, black suit, and red tie. His KJV with the black leather cover, red edges, and white pages matched perfectly. I can only guess the coordination was intentional…

        1. My daddy always said, “There’s no such thing as a short-sleeved DRESS shirt.” There are short-sleeved shirts, but they aren’t dress shirts! Guess fundies missed out on the men’s fashion rules because they were too busy worrying about making their women look as un-fashionable as possible!

    1. Uh-oh! The Judge only “looks” like an angel of light – he’s wearing horn-rimmed glasses and we all know that the horns symbolize the devil. He’s really a Satan-worshipper in disguise!

    1. Unless the background music on the series was mild and Bibleman quoted the KJV, he would have been deemed unacceptable. Even as it is, his costume looked like worldly superheros that are in comics that are in comic book stores that are full of bad comics so we must separate from Bibleman because he fails the “avoid all appearance of evil” test!

  6. I was thinking of The Juker. Dressed all in white (to symbolize holiness), his goal is to shame any one who jokes, complains, or even makes a normal remark by immediately and awkwardly making the topic spiritual, making the original person sound shallow and frivolous.
    Unsuspecting person: I just bought these new gold-colored sandals!
    The Juker: Someday we’ll be walking on streets of gold if we’ve asked Jesus into our hearts.

    1. Ohh ohhh …. Please, can we all jump in?!?!

      Unsuspecting Person: My wife and I had a wonderful time at diner last night.

      The Juker: If we only spent as much time serving gid as we did having fun, imagine the difference we could make.

    2. Let me give it a try…..

      Unsuspecting Person: I just bought a new Prius. Just doing my little part to help the environment.

      The Juker: It doesn’t matter. Jesus is coming back anyday now.

    3. UP: We had fun at the baseball game last night even though our team lost.

      The Juker: If you had spent your voice yelling for Jesus instead of yelling for a ball team, someone might have gotten saved. And Jesus always wins.

    4. UP: “Pastor, your constant degradation of women offends my conscious.”

      (The Juker overhears this and enters his/her two cents)

      Juker: “Great peace have they which love thy law and nothing shall offend them”*

      *said with a smug, self-righteous tone.

    5. UP: Wow, I just got a large refund check in the mail from that old insurance policy. Praise the Lord, I wasn’t expecting that!

      The Juker: Don’t spend it now, looks like the Lord is planning some car troubles for you pretty soon. And you are going to tithe on it aren’t you?

    6. UP: … it just seems like there is so much going on right now and not enough time to do it.

      Juker: If you don’t have time to do the Lord’s work and be faithful to the house of Gid everytime the doors are open, maybe you need to give something up. Maybe you should pray about what your need to let go in your life.

      UP: I have been praying but I just can’t seem to get peace about it.

      Juker: Well if you were prayed up and kept short accounts with Gid then he would hear your prayers. The time for getting right with Gid isn’t in the midst of the storm but before you get into it that way he will be there when you need him.

  7. He’s the fastest tract giver….
    The loudest proclaimer of hell, fire and brimstone,
    He forgoes freedoms on Friday AND Saturday nights in favor of persecution,
    It’s STREET PREACHER SCREAMER!!!

    1. I used to think alliteration was awesome. I mean, it had to be gid, right? How else could EVERY sermon be perfectly (well, sometimes not so perfectly) alliterated? Now I would just kill to hear a message with solid, practical, helpful points all starting with differant letters. 🙁

  8. How about Captain Old Paths? Ready to reject everything in culture that is post 1960’s, while longing for the good ole’ days when people fell under conviction from the Holy Spirit (MOG) when preaching against movie houses, playing cards, and dancing halls!

    1. I’VE SEEN THAT GUY! One time he fought “The Graham Crusader”, “Evil Dr. Calvin”, AND “Southern Baptist Convention-Dude” with one old-fashioned hand tied behind his back.

  9. Separation Man! He goes around making certain all good Fundyland people and organizations appropriate proper secondary separation skills.

  10. His disguise would be a suit bought at JCPenny, what else would a Baptist super-hero wear? Unless it were an African-American superhero, in which case the suit would be tailored and purple, with extremely shiny alligator shoes (which are awesome by the way).
    His name, Rev-Dr-ThD-MDiv-Man (aka, the most humble man on Earth), he hails from some Bible college that no one has ever heard of (probably in the mid-west, but most definitely not from Canada).
    His super powers include the ability to tell if someone is a consistent tither just by looking at them. Also, he has the ability to discern that anyone who does not agree with him is a sinner whom God will judge. He can also read his Bible faithfully every day and never learn a darn thing. Finally, his defining characteristic is the ability to accumulate useless degrees (from the aforementioned Bible college) at the speed of light with little to no work involved.
    He also could help the world if he wanted, but he doesn’t because he believes that the worse the world gets that it is a sign that Jesus is coming, so by helping, he would actually be hurting!

  11. Examples: Doctor Psycho, Doctor Moon, Doctor Poison. I think it is clear from these examples that the fundy would be a supervillain!
    “Doctor” Bubba fights the forces of education, grammar and book-learnin’. He deceives people by substituting a worthless education for a good one. Anyone who ventures into his evil lair, Fundy U, has their brain slowly sucked dry. In time they are allowed to join the “Doctor’s” zombie army which he calls “staff”.

    His nemesis is Professor Liberal. The Professor drinks Merlot and reads lots of books. “Doctor” Bubba is deathly afraid of him.

    1. Doctor Bubba is on the state school board here in Texas, fighting against the teaching of science, health, history, and other evil knowledge. So are Dr. Bubba’s sidekicks, Conspiracy-Finding Boy and Prude Woman.

        1. Most of y’all have probably heard about the “Brown Bear, Brown Bear” fiasco.

          http://thinkprogress.org/politics/2010/01/26/79089/brown-bear-martin/

          The State Board of Education tried to ban a popular children’s book, on the basis that the author had a similar name to that of a Marxist college professor. I don’t think the two Bill Martins even knew each other; they just had similar names. But that was enough for the geniuses on our SBOE.
          I wish that were an isolated gaffe, but it’s actually more like their standard operating procedure.

          More recently the SBOE tried to throw out mentions of Martin Luther King, Jr., Cesar Chavez, and Barack Obama (!) from the state Social Studies curriculum. They left in that nice blind lady Helen Keller, however, apparently unaware that she was a committed Socialist and civil-rights activist.

  12. Super Fundy Wife!
    -Able to go for years without any sleep whatsoever!
    -Able to juggle half a dozen children under the age of 6 in a tiny two-bedroom apartment, while staying fresh, young and in shape so her husband has no need to look elsewhere for satisfaction!
    -Able to provide an excellent education to her offspring, though she only possesses a h.s. diploma from Basement Baptist School!
    -Dresses in only the most up-to-date superhero uniform now available at modestyapparel.com!

  13. Well he wouldn’t be wearing a toga, that’s for sure. Think 3-piece suit and power tie, maybe with the Baptist Standard flag on the breast.

    Jim K.

  14. If you need him, look down the Old Paths. (Jer. 6:16)
    Armed with a weapon sharper than any two edged sword. (Heb 4:12)
    Quenching the fiery darts of the wicked with the shield of faith. (Eph. 6:16)
    Propelled by feet shod with the gospel of peace. (Eph. 6:15)
    Wrestling against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. (Eph. 6:12)
    Wearing the breastplate of righteousness. (Eph. 6:14)
    Always prepared to give an answer. (1 Peter 3:15)

    It’s Captain Landmark.

  15. mwahahahahaha
    We all know the weakness of Fundie Super Hero!
    It’s stronger than the effect Kryptonite has on Superman, that right:
    The Truth!

    While he may be able to overcome reason and logic, Truth will always take away his powers of manipulation.

  16. When the evil Father Fiendish passes around the offering plate to the souls that he is leading into Hell, he receives it back and inside he finds Jack Chick’s “Last Rites.”
    At a rock concert, the Maniacal Musician attempts to brainwash kids through rock music into taking drugs and committing suicide. Littering the streets, he finds a pamphlet on the evils of rock music.
    Who is this mysterious disturber of evil? It’s the mighty Tractman!

  17. Name: Jack Schaap

    Disguise: A black suit, a pressed and starched white dress shirt with cufflinks, cap toe black dress shoes, and a white a blue (Swordsman pride through and through)striped tie.

    Superpower(s): Eisegesis, offending and degrading women, and arrogance.

  18. Name: Stephen Anderson

    Disguise: A black suit, short-sleeved white dress shirt,black dress shoes, and a plain navy blue tie.

    Superpower(s): Ignorance, ability to withstand being tasered, and pissing against a wall.

    1. EFYP, did you forget that every good superhero needs 4 superpowers? I’d suggest this: ability to scream “get the hell out of my church” to hecklers in his congregation.

  19. You all have me laughing so hard I’m choking on my coffee! You’re much more fun than many of my friends who are ex-pentacostalegalists! So glad I found you, because we have so much in common. 🙂

  20. RESTORATION MAN!
    If the pastor, deacon, or any “member-in-good-standing” within your IFB church has committed a gross sin that the church is NOT successful in sweeping under the rug then be assured…..THIS is a job for..(drum roll)….RESTORATION MAN!
    This Godly hero of the IFB will see to it that the fallen “manogawd” is swept away for a “cleansing and repentance” retreat (read: a REALLY nice vacation) to return COMEPLETELY forgiven and RESTORED to his untouchable and MOST GAWDLY position, with just the right spin on the whole debacle so the congregation will welcome him back with lovingly open arms (until NEXT time, right?)!
    AAAAYYYYYMEEEEEENNNN-uh! Praise JEEEEEEZUSSSSSS-uh!

  21. KJV1611-Man.
    Uniform: Hose, doublet, neck ruff, beard, shoulder-length hair
    Super power: Ability to convince people that God speaks only early-17th-century English, and that Jesus, Moses, Paul, Peter, and all the other people in the Bible did as well.

    Alter ego/disguise: Printer at a religious press.

  22. Looking for answers (backed up with verses; John 8:32) about every issue?
    Wanting to restore that severed relationship with your pesky in-laws?
    Needing some self-beating?
    Struggling with submission?

    Look no further.. Introducing NOUTHETEO!

  23. Young Earth Man!

    He assumes that everyone that accepts evolutionary history is a homosexual atheist working actively to destroy his way of life. He once met an actual evolutionary scientist, but rather than witness to him, he tried to disprove the man’s beliefs (PhD in science) using his vast scientific background: Life Science, by BJU Press. He takes children on field trips to the Creation Museum. He disseminates ICR propaganda more than he does tracts. When asked about the fossils at the Smithsonian’s Natural History Museum, he says they’re all made of plaster. Out of about 50 radiometric dating methods, he’s only aware of Carbon-14. He believes that starlight magically travels faster than the speed of light. He takes the Bible extremely literally: there is, in fact, a storehouse of snow up in the sky; the blue up there is actually a hard dome; the sun does in fact travel around the earth. In short, he ignores God’s general revelation concerning the age of the earth and favors Ken Ham’s.

    (Based on a true story, of course)

    1. Wow.

      I’ve argued with a lot of creationists, and I’ve often made fun of them for NOT going whole-hog and believing the sky is a hard dome. I’m not sure whether to be impressed by this guy or not.

      If you’re going to base your cosmology on a literal reading of a bronze-age creation myth, might as well go whole-hog, I guess.

      How did he explain orbital satellites and space-probes? Just another hoax by Evil Scientists?

  24. The Visitator!

    Able to knock on doors at 5am every Saturday morning; he is impervious to “No Soliciting” signs, claims of salvation from Presbyterians, and the effects of coffee on his bladder. Armed with a 40 pound Old Scofield and thousands of Chick tracts, the Visitator will descend upon an unsuspecting household, blast them with the Gospel message, save those Catholics from their empty memorized prayers by reciting the words on the back of the tracts, then disappear into the sunrise, never to be seen again.

    His secret lair is tended to by his sidekick, the Home-Keeper! Though she has never been seen in public, her Tuna Noodle Hot Dish is the talk of every Cornerstone Temple Baptist Church pot-luck meal.

  25. Easy: the Judginator. His super-power would be the ability to find something to judge in even the sweetest and monst innocent of things – kittens and puppies for example.

  26. “Forceful Enforcer”

    Appears out of nowhere to tell you that your skirt is too short, your hair too long, or your bookbag wrongfully hanging across your body. Don’t step on the grass, confiscating your headphones, saw you holding hands with your fiancee under the table at dinner. YOU DON’T HAVE TO COME AND CONFESS. WE’RE LOOKING FOR YOU! WE GONNA FIND YOU!

    Forceful Enforcer fits in with the fundy surroundings. Not so much as a single dress infraction or even room job demerit. Often schmoozing in the Pastor or Dean’s offices.

    1. This reminded me of Forceful Enforcer’s sidekick – Silent Enforcer. They blend in with their surroundings so you often never see them, but they are always on guard for rule-breaking. If you violate any rules, they do not confront you, but instead run to the authority of your church or college to tattle on you. And, yes, that’s why at age 23 I was sitting in the principle’s office explaining why I, a teacher in their school, should POSSIBLY have been seen hugging my fiance. 🙄

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