233 thoughts on “Fundy Christmas Day 5 Challenge: (re)Write a Carol”

  1. O Little church in Fundyland
    How separate we must be
    More than the backslid Methodist
    And the liberal SBC.
    For in our plain and steepled church
    We let the brimstone flow
    No evil NI or CEV
    Can teach the way to go.

    We won’t admit our Pastor’s wrong
    Though it is clear to the blind.
    He’s twisting verses right and left
    To keep us all in line.
    We dare not question the Man of God
    He’s anointed we know.
    We’ll drop our dough in the plate
    So to hell we won’t go.

    We know that we’re the holy ones
    Who keep from worldly wear
    And shoe ourselves with sandals not
    And do not bob our hair.
    We keep away from worldly ways
    Now and every hour
    We don’t say “Happy Holidays”
    And X-mas makes us sour.

  2. Scofield did you know, your inspired notes would one day be bestsellers?
    Scofield did you know, your inspired notes would not convince Tim Keller?
    Did you know, your inspired notes, can make a colorful chart?
    These notes that you’ve delivered, say when the Trib will really start.

    Scofield did you know, your inspired notes tell us Jesus’ coming day?
    Scofield did you know, your inspired notes would create Tim Lahaye?
    Did you know your inspired notes are loved by IFBs?
    If only they could know they truth, you and your wife were both Presbys.

    Israel and the Church, the twain shall never meet
    With your notes the Thompson Chain can never compete

    Scofield did you know your inspired notes would be revised in 67?
    Scofield did you know your inspired notes are as good as though from Heaven?
    Did you know I can buy your notes in calfskin for a hundred bucks?
    Your notes put eschatology into an irreversible flux.

  3. Silent Wife, Holy Wife
    Outwardly calm, has no life
    Round yon belly, filled with the 13th child
    Breeding constantly, as though in the wild
    Be no smarter than sheep
    Be no smarter than sheep

    Silent Wife, Holy Wife,
    Legalistic home, seething with strife
    Discipline trimuphs over laughter and mirth
    Only valued for capacity to birth
    Women, give over to your men
    Women give over to your men

    Silent Wife, Holy Wife,
    Don’t be a disgrace, learn your place!
    Bow your head to your husband’s rule
    Doesn’t matter if he’s a complete tool
    Here’s to original sin
    Here’s to original sin

    1. Maybe you could get a ladies quartet to sing this. Wait! Women are to keep silence in the church. I guess that does’t apply to women’s singing. Who ever heard of a silent quartet? Last ladies singing group I saw had “appropriate dresses” or at least I thought so.Then I noticed the big bow on the back of the dress. Won’t that cause some man to lust. He might think it is like a Christmas present to be opened. (If you didn’t know, I was being sarcastic.)

  4. Oh, so much good stuff here, I hesitate to add my little entry into the fray. Here goes! 🙂 You’ll just have to sort of imagine Eartha Kitt doing this version ‘cuz I’m not sure I could do it justice.

    Enjoy!

    =================================================

    (Boo-boo-boo-boomp – boo-boomp – boo-boomp – boo-boomp
    boo-boo-boo-boomp)

    Fundy baby, Santa’s really Satan you see
    Agree?
    Switch the letters around
    Fundy baby, your exegesis blows me away

    (baaa-da-da-bummp-bummp baa-daa-baaaaaaa
    boom-boom-boo-boom… )

    Fundy baby, we’re taking a collection today
    So pay
    For the pastor’s new duds
    Fundy baby, the preacher’s gonna holler in style

    (let the violins saw away a bit here to the bridge)

    Rifle through the KJV
    It’s the only valid B-I-B-L-E
    1611 was a year that was good
    Every other version’s just for firewood

    Boo-boomp-boo-booomp

    Fundy baby, your eight-year-old he looks really cute
    The suit
    Looks just like dear old Dad’s
    Fundy baby, you’re looking mighty spiffy tonight!

    Fundy cutie, you’re singin’ like you’re nailed to the floor
    Just the score, no improvisation
    Fundy beautie, please hurry through the music tonight

    (ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da-da ba-da-da baaaaaaa—-boom

    Think of all the things you miss
    Living in the haze of the fundy bliss
    All them books we burned last year
    Never would have done us any good, you hear?
    (Boo-boomp – ba – boomp)

    Fundy baby, the preacher’s on a rampage tonight
    Oh fright…
    See the veins popping out
    Fundy baby, now hurry to the altar toniiiiight…

    Hurry to the altar tonight

    Hurry to the altar tonight

    ====================================

    Thanks, you’re a beautiful audience – hey, try the porterhouse!

    Jim K.

  5. Apologies to “In the Bleak Mid-Winter”

    In the Mid-week service,
    Preacher gave his rants,
    Against evil music
    And women wearing pants.
    Fundies sat there
    Row on row
    row on row on row
    In the Mid-week service
    Many years ago.

    In the Morning service,
    Women don’t wear slacks
    No one goes to movies
    Daughters don’t date blacks.
    No one plays that Rock N Roll
    No one drinks a beer
    Methodists may do that
    You won’t find it here.

    Deacons (but not Elders)
    May have gathered there.
    Except for Brother Johnson
    Thrown out for too long hair
    He’s replaced by Brother Jones
    Easy to see why.
    He is safely bald now,
    Looks smart, and wears a tie.

  6. Little Preacher Boy

    (The ungodly drum has been replaced by a piano)

    Go! They told me, plink plink-plink-plink-plink
    To Bible college you see, plink plink-plink-plink-plink
    Surrender to THE CALLâ„¢, plink plink-plink-plink-plink
    Choose God’s will over all, plink plink-plink-plink-plink
    Plink-plink-plink-plink, plink-plink-plink-plink

    So to honor them, plink plink-plink-plink-plink,
    I will conform.

    Who needs context, plink plink-plink-plink-plink
    I wore my Sunday best, plink plink-plink-plink-plink
    Black suit, white shirt, red tie, plink plink-plink-plink-plink
    Forgot to zip my fly, plink plink-plink-plink-plink
    Plink-plink-plink-plink, plink-plink-plink-plink

    Shall I preach for you, plink plink-plink-plink-plink,
    On New Year’s Eve?

    Scofield KJV, plink plink-plink-plink-plink
    Unaccredited Bible degree, plink plink-plink-plink-plink
    Three points alliterated, plink plink-plink-plink-plink
    Ridiculous illustration, plink plink-plink-plink-plink
    Plink-plink-plink-plink, plink-plink-plink-plink

    Then he hired me, plink plink-plink-plink-plink,
    My fundy daddy

    1. I love the plinks! Awesome!

      I am SOOO glad New Year’s Eve doesn’t mean those sleep-inducing-if-only-you-weren’t-in-an-uncomfortable-pew sermon attempts.

      Your last stanza was a superb touch!

  7. Away in his office, the man-o-gawd crafts
    a fire and brimstone sermon straight from the Olde Paths
    No research, no study, no ex-e-gesis
    Just red-faced angry yelling
    and invoking Jaaaaaeeeeessuuuuuuus!

    He preaches the Word, the truth sets me free
    but only when the truth comes from the K-J-V.
    The louder he preaches, the more holy I feel.
    His charisma and logic shows me Jesus is real.

    The deacons shout “Haaaaymen”, the women agree,
    otherwise they’re silent because that’s how it should be.
    The children all sit there and get force-fed the Word,
    for until they receive the CALL(tm), they’re to be seen and not heard.

    Away in my little fundy church down the way
    You’ll never know I exist, except to make fun today
    But really what I need is your love and your prayer.
    For if not for God’s grace, it could be you who sits here.

    Happy Holidays and Merry Xmas.

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