ASK CMG: Holiday Movies and Greetings

Note: there has been a delay in starting this column due to some tragic goat-related accidents on a recent missions trip as well as a sudden onset of a whooping cough epidemic shortly after return. We sincerely hope that none of you have died or backslidden for lack of wise counsel.

Dear CMG,

The Holiday Season is fast approaching and I was wondering what Christmas Movies you would recommend for me and my wife?

Also, how should I respond when someone wishes me “Happy Holidays”?

Sincerely,
Miguel from Malibu

Dear Miguel,

Thank you for your question about the season when Christians all
around the world celebrate the birth of Christ. A Christmas film that
I can recommend is “It’s a Wonderful Life.” I like it because it
shows the evils of alcohol and the love of money, the women are all
dressed modestly, and it shows people going to church. I would
recommend “A Charlie Brown Christmas” to the over-18 crowd. It has
many sarcastic and cutting remarks in it that aren’t good for little
ears to hear. Also, make sure that you are not singing any of the
secular Christmas songs. It really can introduce a depressing aspect
into your celebration of Jesus’ Birthday.

If someone wishes you a “Happy Holiday”, you could ask (as Pastor
Backlow recommends) “Did you mean ‘Happy HOLY-day’??” and stare
intently at them until they understand your meaning. You could also
ask if they would like to come to your church’s musical called “Keep
CHRIST in Christmas Or It’s Just Another Day”. I think you can order
it from Fundamental Music Company. You have to do it over the phone
because the man who runs it doesn’t have a website since the Patriot
Act passed. I wear this shirt to Wal-Mart in December:

I hope your Christmas was a good one and that you will be attending
the Watch Night Service at your church! We will be watching “Sheffy”
at my church and there will be a ping-pong table in the Fellowship
Hall for the youth. We may play Dutch Blitz or Biblical Charades if
we have enough time.

In Modest Apparel,
CMG

Do you have a question or problem and need some wise advice? Send it to CampMeetingGirl via the contact page or e-mail it to askcmg@stufffundieslike.com

122 thoughts on “ASK CMG: Holiday Movies and Greetings”

  1. CMG – So glad to see your advice column up on SFL. I am sure it will be a blessing to us all.
    I am concerned that you would recommend It’s A Wonderful Life as a suitable Christmas movie. There is plenty of dancing in that movie as well as unmarried people holding hands and kissing. I certainly hope that your decisions are not being influenced by the boy who is courting you (Titus I believe is his name?).
    Well anyway, stay pure in your thoughts and Happy HOLY-days to you and a wonderful Watch Night.

    Am I first? :mrgreen:

    1. Dear CMG, I too am concerned about “It’s a Wonderful Life”. While there are some good points about the movie, we cannot overlook erroneous doctrine, even though presented in an apparantly innocent format. The need for angels to earn wings by doing good deeds causing bells to ring when they achieve said status is extrabiblical, perhaps even unbiblical. Perhaps a Bible study on the Biblical doctrine of angeology would be a good project to start out the New Year.

      Thank you for your warning about the “Charlie Brown Christmas Special.” Perhaps Miguel’s family would be best served to not watch movies at all but instead to act out favorite Biblical scenes, especially the nativity.

      1. Careful with that last suggestion, PW. My young daughters enacted the Nativity one year and it took a tragic turn. When the two-year-old Mary heard how the angels scared the shepherds, she pretended to shoot them out of the sky.

  2. CMG, as an older sister, and citing Titus 2, might I suggest a shirt that’s a size larger. You shirt seems a bit hugging of the figure, and we must never let anyone be reminded that we are female or that we are capable of providing nourishment for babies.

    1. Thank you, Natalie, for your caution! Let me recommend that a modest Christian young lady should never print words across her chest anyway, even Christ-honoring words, for He is not honored if we cause a weaker brother to stumble. I recommend a “Keep Christ in Christmas” button, the two-inch size, to be attatched to a warm hat if you live in a cold climate as I do. (You could also use a straw hat if you live in Miami.) This spreads the message but directs people’s eyes to your face (or at least your head) not your bust line.

      If your church does not allow women to wear any adornment (although personally I find a message button a far cry from a diamond brooch), perhaps you could knit a hat with the “Keep Christ in Christmas” message encircling the edge.

      1. PW — I see a business getting started here. I crochet, and I LOVE the hat idea with the Keep Christ in Christmas around it. 😉

        We’d charge IFB’s $40 a pop and put them in a church book store and we’d SO make that. But, of course, that amount would be only to make up our overhead (i.e. provide several spa treatments and clothes for ourselves).

        Whatchya say? Partnership?

        😉

        1. Luv it — especially the spa part! 🙂

          I kept searching the internet this morning and didn’t find anything like it. I bet someone really does start making them sometime! (I did find a black Santa hat with bah-humbug on the brim!)

    2. Camp Meeting Girl, surely you don’t really wear a shirt with SHORT sleeves, do you? What if some weaker brother sees your almost-bare arms and is stimulated into a sex frenzy in which he violates scores of decent old ladies?

      1. and the little old ladies say, “doo do doo do doo do do doo…You should’ve seen em go go go
        They said, Hey shuga Take a walk on the wild side” 😈

        See the result of short sleeves and form fitting tees? 😯
        Poor little old weaker brother… the little old ladies who say “Ni” have him now… and it’s too perilous to try and rescue him.

      2. I get the terrible feeling that the little old ladies would be not object to be violated, if no one’s looking. 😈
        Of course the hard part would be getting the smiles off their faces the next day…

    3. Ohhh I LOVe that “T” shirt. Spent at least 5 minutes looking at it. CMG needs to pose in more different kinds of T shirts!! Uhhhh OK now for the rest of the story.

  3. CMG, I agree w/ Natalie on wearing a shirt that’s a size or even two or three larger. I find that always helps to avoid the appearance of evil! (I think this is probably why Muslim women wear burquas, etc.)

    I hope you enjoy watching Sheffy. It’s pretty much a timeless classic, as is Thief in the Night. I bet you have a lot of salvation decisions after showing either of those films.

    1. See, CMG, point made.

      Smith is one of those fresh breast watching mashers, and you just have to watch men like that.

      If he leers too much, a good smack with your glove will do the trick, but on the face, not the arm, as that implies flirting.

      (Of course, I smacked HF over the head with my purse, and that’s when he fell in love, so use caution with all of that.)

        1. My mother tells me that I was born in the wrong decade. I should have been born when my grandmother was born so that I was my age now in the 1940’s.

          I agree, although I wouldn’t have wanted HF shipped off to war and had to deal with ratoning and all of that.

          But, I’m a huge fan of swing music, old music, and retro vintage anything. One day I will buy a 1940’s home and restore it to its original glory.

          I could go on, but I’ll spare you. 😉

        2. And, its old MOVIES that I’m a fan of.. Old music obviously.

          So, George didn’t get off the hook after all.

        3. Natalie, my wife and I just bought a 1940s-built house. If you want to help restore it to its original glory, come on over.

        1. “Mr Whipple Please don’t squeeze th….” that and the old joke about, what the Lord has forgotten we make up for with cotton just popped in my head… all thanks to CMG’s form fitting tee shirt with writing on it.

          Must get thoughts back to Scripture…

          ok how about…Song of Solomon 8:8-10?

          Doh! 😯

  4. Swing music….we have a goodly number of Glen Miller as well as others…if the movies aren’t in B&W, I don’t enjoy them nearly as much.

    “…but on the face, not the arm, as that implies flirting.”

    Hehehe, I like it….MASHER…HA! (forgive me, I need to wipe the drool off the side of my mouth)

    1. PS- I can’t believe you would even wear a Tshirt when going to the mall. You reflect Jesus. That’s the problem with today’s generation, no one dresses up anymore. I do hope you wore pantyhose, a skirt that reaches past your mid caff and closed toe shoes with such a ungodly, immodest T shirt.

        1. Hmmm, if she were a REAL brazen hussy, she would have the front of the shirt tied in a knot exposing a tanned belly with a belly-button ring for accent!

        2. Well, we all know what Smith prefers. 😉

          See, women lusting after men is DIFFERENT. HF in uniform alone just standing is enough to make me lose my mind.

          But, see, that’s classy lusting. 😉

          OH and yes, I LUST my husband. I love him dearly, but honey, I L-U-S-T after him! IFB’s can say what they want about that, but they can also remain celebate. I’ll continue satisfying every single desire I have with him, thankyouverymuch!

          *steps down off my soapbox*

        3. Now, I’ve got that song stuck in my head… thanks.

          Oh, and since I LOVE to share…

          “Just the good ol’ boys…”

          Your welcome. 😉

  5. @CMG
    Do all the ladies bring a white rose to your church’s watch-night viewing of “Sheffy”?

    Let’s see if I remember how a Watch-night service goes:

    -You’ll start off with the pastor’s welcome and spiritual ego boost about how blessed you are for being “in your place” on New Year’s eve (instead of partaking in the worldly sinful practices that bring in the New Year).

    -Then the opening prayer that is chok full of supplication to smite the wicked who “don’t have enough God about them” to even be at a watch-night service.

    -The Opening Song (“I am Resolved”)

    -Some opening remarks and the first three Music Specials.

    -Announcements of events that are scheduled to take place if those attending watch-night services are not actually “Raptured” by midnight.

    -Another song

    – “Movie time”

    – After the movie there will be snacks provided in the Fellowship hall with the admonition that the best is yet to come (with the implication that we’ll really see who is right with God by who comes back up to the sanctuary/ auditorium for the preaching afterwards)

    -Back to the show…

    -Another prayer, this one specifically for revival… “to break out here tonight.”

    -More singing

    – Beginning at or near 11:00pm (somewhere there abouts depending on how many preacher boys you have, and how many missionaries on perpetual deputation are visiting… the time can be adjusted accordingly) the “Cowbell” service begins. The Pastor has the bell and calls the first preacher boy to the sacred desk “to preach to our hearts.” (to a rousing chorus of “Bless ‘im Lord”)

    – By 11:30-11:40 All the preacher boys have been preached and the crowd is blessed and the Spirit is visitatin’. Time for the first string to take over. The pastor mounts the pulpit and begins.

    – At 11:55 he makes the altar call so everyone can be down front getting their year end accounts right with gawd! And pray in the New Year, making specific mention to pray for the President (that the Lord will smite him and get him right). {unless of course there is a republican in office}

    -After all the praying is done everyone returns to their seats and another song is sung and the first offering of the New Year is taken, giving the sheeple their first opportunity to show how right they are with gawd now.

    Finally it is time for the first sermon of the New Year. This is a forward looking sermon to more work to be done in the New Year: more visiting, more witnessing, more salvations and souls saved down at the stop light, the jail, out front of the ABC store, more revival meetings, more Bible conferences, more Missions conferences, more Faith Promise giving, more tithing, more accountability to the pastor…..

    Service should let out by 1:00am so folks can get some rest this year, especially. That way they can be back to the church for regular Saturday Bus Route visitation at 10:30 am.

        1. It’s a well-known fact that every glass of alcoholic beverage within 10 feet counts as a mile away from a watch-night service, so my suggestion would be to find as many champagne flutes as you can and stand in the middle of them. It’s like standing in a circle of salt. 😀

        2. And, I think I know where Don lives *sings with a little jingle*

          We should all gather a stalking group and stalk Don!

          NO… let’s all go soul-winning at his house!!!!

        3. I’m with you Natalie. Saturday (New Year’s Day no less) at 8am. You can be my backup…….

          Us: Knock Knock
          Don: (Opens door half asleep)
          Us: Good morning. We were just wondering if you go to church anywhere?
          Don: Huh? It’s 8 o’clock in the morning!
          Us: If you died tonight do you know where you would spend eternity?

        4. Oooh! I’ll hold the chick tracts while you go through each page of each one.

          Should we bring the little Gideon New Testament or should we bring our large-print Scofields in case you want to cross reference to the OT?

        5. I think some Roman’s Road tracts will do the trick for a liberal backslidden compromiser like Don. :mrgreen:
          We’ll save the OT hell-fire and wrath for when he doesn’t accept our act of love for him. Our pastor at First And Only Separated Fundamental True Believers Baptist Bride Of Christ Church will be proud of our efforts.

        6. Well, I’ll carry it just the same. Don’s a pretty thick-headed fellow who will require ACTUAL Bible. He’s just THAT GUY.

          It’s sad that our Pastor cannot make it again. I know it’s odd that he becomes ill or has other engagements when we go visiting, but he’s one of the annointed, so questioning would be wrong, of course.

        7. Yes, I think we may need to all go and visit Rob, too, although all this boobie-talk has got his mind so far gone, I’m not sure there’s any hope for him.

        8. We’ll get Rob on our bus visitation route. We’ll offer him “jugs” of ice cream if he comes to First And Only Separated Fundamental True Believers Baptist Bride Of Christ Church this Sunday.

        9. Hey Rob you remember back when how I said I wanted to answer the door for the next group of fundies that came early in the morning??? remember??? Oh yeah! (wish I could remember the posting that was on so I could link to it) 😯 😯

      1. UPDATE:
        Three watch-night services within one mile of where I live… and that is just on the main roads home. I suspect the other IFB over behind us is having one leaving only three churches within the one mile radius not having Watch-night services. (Two Methodists and a Church of Christ) 🙄 😕

  6. Whoa, I love Dutch Blitz, nooooooo!!

    CMG, t-shirts are much too casual. And yes, that one is too tight, I can make out the body shape!! We’re not supposed to let males know it exists….

  7. I am concerned about our dear sister CMG. She missed an opportunity to advise our wandering brother. She should have dealt with Miguel’s obvious sin–living in Malibu. Everyone knows that Malibu is a den of iniquity with the beach, movie industry and Democrats nearby.
    I would have told Miguel to pack his things up and get out of Malibu like Lot leaving Sodom. He should move somewhere more God-fearing, though with a name like Miguel he might have a hard time being accepted in the more God-fearing parts of the country.

        1. Oh man, that’s hilarious and so very wrong on so many levels. 😀 Glad I wasn’t drinking anything when I read that!

        2. See, that is the problem with You KJV people. Everyone knows that the Reina Valera version (several hundred years older than the KJV is la version preferida de Dios!

        3. la version preferida de Dios

          …pero solamente para los hispanos…

          I think it’s great how God has to constantly update His preferred version for different language groups, especially with the Bible being translated into new languages these days. God’s word may be forever settled in Heaven, but the preferred translation list is always a work in progress!

        4. God has to update his Word? Excuse me? I think you need to contact your local IFB church and see if they offer any basement college classes on Inspiration and Preservation!

          En la Universidad del Fundamentalismo aprendí que la Biblia fue escrita en inglés. Entonces es razonable, siendo el inglés el lenguaje materno de Dios, que el prefiere el KJV! 😉

        5. No, no. I mean the list of preferred translations in any given language has to be updated every time a new language is added, not the actual Bible itself. That’s silly. The Bible hasn’t needed updating since 5/2/1611.

          (I just now realized the KJV and I share a birthday. I’m not sure what to think about that.)

        1. I know! I think if I looked hard enough I might find a KJV in my house but I am not certain.

          This is my last Spanish joke I promise. It just doesn’t make sense in English:

          Fundamental es una palabra compuesta de dos otras palabras. FUNDido y MENTAL.

  8. Mounty,

    I love that comment.

    Smith,

    I would reccommed you read “Every Man’s Battle”. Although, I’ve never read it, I hear it helps men to control their urges which you seem unable to do. It’s a wel known fact that authentic beleivers only commit the “dainty” sins. You know, the one’s we just roll our eyes at? Maybe you should just your salvation.

    Now, I need to get alone and try not to think about that picture. 😈

    1. Just keep a bible on your lap, because it is difficult to get aroused with Matthew, Mark, Luke and John sitting on your lap. I heard many preacher boys do this when researching questionable web-sites or watching “Gossip Girl”

        1. With the stuff that man preaches, it’s entirely possible he could get aroused just looking at a microwave, so let’s just call him the exception to the rule…

  9. I am pleased that CMG called it a “film” and not a “movie,” since we all know “movies” are sinful but “films” are separated and acceptable, but she passed up on the opportunity to point this out to Miguel since HE called it a movie. This would have been valuable instruction for him, I think.

    1. And, remember IMAX is okay, because it’s not a regular movie house.

      Sinful movie houses have a big screen and seats and popcorn… and IMAX has… well, IMAX has… They’re educational! … yeah.

  10. Oh, yes time for the fundamentalist amateur hour. Visions of college students dancing through my head as they deliver their homeletical masterpieces. Faces red, veins popping as we learn we can never be right with God unless we go to Kawlege X. Then there are the perennial classics- “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God,” (borrowed from Edwards with theological corrections) “Who in Hell Knows You” (from Acts 19) and “Jesus was a Bus Captain’ (no Scripture necessary.)

    Does anyone else remember these great illusrations:
    1.”Highway to Hell” CD shoots out of player and kills teen.
    2. 40 wresters freeze on a lake.
    3. Missionaries working, people make daisy chains as sreams rise from hell.
    4. The bridge collapsed and no one stopped for the warning.
    5. Contractor uses poor materials and the house is given to him.
    6. Boy buys back toy boat.
    7. Man crushes his own son so the train won’t derail.
    8. Any story in which people running from God are decapitated in car accident.

    1. I never heard #1, but it’s freakin’ hilarious.
      I’ve heard the others, except for “Boy buys back toy boat.” What’s that one?

      Oh, and don’t forget the one about the flood where a jeep and a car and a helicopter all come by, but the person drowns.

      1. The toy boat thing I think was some kid built a toy boat but lost it in a storm drain during a storm one day. A few days later he’s passing by a pawn shop and sees his boat in the window. Apparently the owner of the shop found it and put it up for sale. The boy treasured his creation so much that he bought it back from the shop.

        Or something along those lines.

        1. The moral of the story is: The boy made the boat, then he lost it and then he purchased it.
          That is supposed to represent what Christ did for us, although the story teaches some fairly serious doctrinal error.

        2. Which implies God lost us accidentally. Wow, I feel really safe. What’s to stop him from losing us again??

  11. I would like to say I didn’t even notice that the picture was something I had the ability to lust after until all the fundies started mentioning how much bigger the shirt should’ve been! 🙂

      1. I love how I made ONE comment about CMG’s shirt and every man in this forum is thinking, “BOOBIES!BOOBIES!BOOBIES!!!”

        😉

        Of course, its not ya’ll fault. It’s CMG. I hope this proves to be a lesson for her.

        1. “…every man in this forum is thinking, “BOOBIES!BOOBIES!BOOBIES!!!”…”

          Yes. And your point?

        2. I don’t know… I guess I just don’t get the boobie infatuation, but I guess I’m also not supposed to.

          I have my own items to lust after, and HF says he doesn’t get that, so it all balances out.

        3. I was under the impression that “boobies” was generally on men’s minds 80% of the time anyway. 😛 Don’t beat yourself up too much, Natalie. 😉

        4. @Scorpio: Heehee, well, I was leaving room for the thought process designated for food and sports. 😉

        5. That’s IT, Scorpio! I’m taking my butt cushion to the OTHER side of the church, and leave you with the other breast-watchers!

          😉

        6. Just Curious – We can multitask 😆
          I can eat dinner, watch a football game and think about boobies all at the same time without hurting myself. :mrgreen:

        7. Natalie my dear, did it ever occur toyou that we think of butts also? The other side of the church is filled with butt-watchers so have fun 😉
          Oh yea, I’ll be able to watch you walk over to the other side so you might as well just settle down and be the good submissive woman you are supposed to be in church (and I’m not talking about “that” kind of submissive!)

        8. I’m getting out my gloves for smacking (and wearing my winter coat as I go to the other side of the church).

        9. Good thing nobody mentioned buttocks, or thighs, or groins, or bellies, or backs, or necks, or …

          Uh-oh, now I’ve mentioned them.

        10. Memory connect: buttocks:: box of Chocolates:: searching….
          Forrest Gump: Oh, yes sir. Bit me right in the buttocks. They said it was a million dollar wound, but the army must keep that money ’cause I still haven’t seen a nickel of that million dollars.
          Memory connect spool complete::

  12. I am offended by the image of a woman wearing a short-sleeved T-shirt with writing on it. In shiny gold!!! I am never coming back to this site again, and I exhort all my brethren and sistern to immediately separate from such an apostate web site. Right after I make a few more posts.

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