The 1 and 3
Nobody doubts that music is powerful stuff. It can delight you or sadden you or (if accompanied by the right set of words) make you want to buy large amounts of laundry detergent.
Fundamentalists take this principle even one step further by proclaiming that unless used in Southern Gospel music, placing the beat anywhere but the 1st and 3rd note causes involuntary muscle movement that results in dancing, pregnancy, dyed green hair, and referring to ones father as “my old man.”
What’s more these “unnatural” rhythms cause your body’s normal function to break down causing the heart to beat at an unnatural pace. Even house plants (who at last check don’t have hearts) will shrivel up and die if exposed to these awful “rock” beats — especially if you’re too busy dancing and getting pregnant to water them.
Putting the beat on the 2 and 4 causes the body to release endorphins which are also what moths secrete when they want to have sex. No…wait, those are called pheromones. Anyway, endorphins are something chemical and most likely something more or less like heroin which accounts for why these awful beats are so popular even if they do make the listener’s heart beat in unnatural ways.
It’s a wonder anyone survives a trip to to supermarket…
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You’re too funny Darrell, you definitely have a gift to point out the silliness of fundies. I never have understood this one…I mean, who really cares where the flippin (minced oath…sorry) beat is 1,2,3 ,4,5,6…obviously, I know nothing about music.
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Now that was hilarious. Good stuff.
Hilarious stuff! I am a fundamentalist, and remember most of the stuff you write about.
I found the house plant reference especially funny since I heard that stupid story so many times growing up (usually from a traveling evangelist railing on the inherent dangers of rock and roll).
The house plant story is classic. Another good one I’ve heard is that cows exposed to rock give sour milk.
Don’t forget the African drumbeats and their demonic influences on . I never figured out why the African drumbeats didn’t influence folks like Gold City, the Cathedrals, etc.
I’m having a bit of back and forth about this particular piece over here.
Thought some might find it interesting…
Wow. I knew this already thanks in part to my experiences editing a newsletter at BJU, but satire is NOT among the Stuff Fundies Like. You might, by the way, do a post on the word “fleshly.”
“fleshly” is a good one.
“biblical” is another one worth thinking about.
Ah, the house plants. A staple of Christian school science projects in the 70s and 80s.
I had a friend who did this one — instant brownie points with the teacher. Well, until the hard rock plant thrived, and the Moody Radio plant died.
Yeah, good luck with your back and forth. I’ve been down that road and quite frankly, find it tiring, repetitive (on both sides of the argument) and doesn’t get anyone anywhere within spitting distance of a common understanding (notice I didn’t say agreement).
One of my problems with fundamentalism is that it doesn’t allow room for irony, symbolism, satire, hyperbole, etc. Everything is to be taken literally and seriously . . . except for the Song of Solomon, of course.
In the words of Audio Adrenaline:
“Once I read a book, and this is what it said,
‘If your music has a beat, then your gonna wind up dead.
It doesn’t really matter if its Christian or not,
If its syncopated rhythm then your soul is gonna rot.’
And this book was called ‘AH YOUR GONNA BURN’”
Good song. (Oh wait, did I just reference a Christian rock song? Where’d that come from?)
And Darrell, don’t forget the ubiquitous “worldly.” I cannot for the life of me hear that word in anything other than the fundy sense, even if I know that the person saying it is not using it in the fundy way.
Mark: I would argue that fundies also allow for a symbolic reading of Revelation, along with Song of Solomon (in spite of their claims to the contrary).
After reading the above posts, another word comes to mind–carnal. I must have heard that word a hundred times in the few short years I belonged to a fundy church.
Amanda:
I’ve never been in a fundy church that saw Revelation as symbolic. The seven churches were local churches in our town, the Beast and Antichrist were specific people, etc.
Hmm. I guess that is symbolism, but what I mean is that there was never a purely spiritual interpretation. There was always a specific person or group for every event or person mentioned; Revelation could not be read metaphorically or spiritually.
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In the early 80’s, as I rode my 10-speed to the Gym, I would pray for protection from “Satan and his Demons” that doublessly were embedded in all that evil rock music eminating from the speakers in the weight room – all that satanic rock, from Boy George to Micheal Jackson, from Huey Lewis and the News and Men at Work (that evil saxaphone in “Who can it be Now”!) to Steve Perry and his love them to Satan in his song “Oh, Sherrie” (the name “Sherrie” was just to fool folks into thinking it was about a girl named Sherrie when it was really about the Devil – that certain guitar riff gave the satanism away!).
Yup, and anytime I was riding in the car w/my Dad & little bros, I would have to be vigilant lest tunes such as Cyndi Lauper’s “All Through the Night” and Journey’s “Desperate Ways” would secretly brainwash me with their demonic power.
The crazy part is, I am not joking, I was really taught to think this way!
does anybody remember the video “Hells Bells”? it featured this guy with a mullet who gave examples of satanism in “rock music” (incidentally, i’ve never once heard rock referred to as “rock music” outside of fundy circles, but that’s another rant). That video, along with “The Backward Masking Tape” introduced me to some of the greatest music. It’s reasonable to think that I would have beenn turned on to the Beatles or Led Zeppelin eventually, but without those videos and tapes, I probably would have been nunaware of them for a number of years. You can watch “Hells Bells” on You Tube. I highly recommend it.
It turns out that “Hells Bells” is all on YouTube