Friday Challenge

Fill in the blank…

If ___________________ you might be a fundamentalist.

A few to get started…

If you’ve ever had your pastor sign your Bible…

If you’ve ever heard a testimony where someone got saved by reading the Living Bible, and you started wondering if they are really saved after all…

If your children rarely get to watch the end of a movie because someone said a bad word…

If you still think there’s a pretty good chance that Gorbachev is the Anti-Christ…

If you’ve ever worn culottes to the beach…

If your wife has to wear a homemade camouflaged skirt down to her ankles when she goes deer hunting with you…

If your pastor counts pregnant women twice when reporting church attendance…

You are probably a fundamentalist.

(Thanks to the fine folks over at PCCboard from whom I borrowed liberally)

41 thoughts on “Friday Challenge”

  1. Thanks Darrell! Here’s a few off the top of my head. I would say you might be an “extreme” fundamentalist if…

    …you still believe George W. Bush was the best president we’ve ever had.

    …you just happen (the summer before your senior year) to discover that it was God’s will for you to attend the same Christian college as your parents and grand parents.

    …you believe “justified anger” applies to the pastor yelling at a referee for making a bad call at an IFB Christian school basketball game.

    …you believe that same pastor was suffering from persecution for then being kicked out of that game.

    …you believe in proper biblical hermeneutics but still teach tithing.

    …you believe that all of America’s founding fathers were Baptist pastors who went to BJU.

    …carry a picture of Jack Hyles in your wallet.

  2. –you, as a kid, practiced your signature with verse reference, so it would look good when you got to sign Bibles as a big shot preacher some day…

    –you recorded “sermon” tapes as a kid and sent them to your grandparents…

    –you can’t conceive of ending a preaching service without at least 3 verses of an invitation hymn…

    –you think any church which projects their music on a screen instead of singing from a hymn book is liberal….

    That’s just a few. Great topic.

  3. …you’ve ever sweated (or froze) on a bus route and considered it “suffering for Jesus”.

    …you’ve ever sat through 45 minutes of testimonies given by folks that just got back from Pastors School in Hammond.

    …after those 45 minutes, the pastor still preached for 45 and then gave a 20 min invitation.

    …on Mother’s Day they give out an award to the mother who has the most children in full-time Christian service.

    …you’ve ever heard somebody tell how they give 30% of their income and felt embarrassed that you’re only up to a measly 12%.

    …you agree that girls need to wear culottes down to their knee, but knee-length shorts on guys are an abomination.

    …you ever played basketball at your church’s Christian school and had to wear the warm-up pants DURING the game. Or you played on the soccer team and had to wear sweatpants. (see previous entry for why)

    …the term “Ski-lottes” makes any sense.

    …you’ve ever heard the phrase “3 to Thrive!”.

    …you’ve ever heard “If it was good enough for Lee Roberson (or insert your preacher’s idol), its good enough for me!!” in a sermon.

    …you’ve ever sat through a seminar on the evils of contemporary christian music.

    …the chariman of the deacon board inserts the phrase “Well, my family doesn’t actually own a tv” into as many conversations as possible.

    …you’ve ever asked “Why?” and were told that it’s dangerous to question.

    …you’re 4-digit PIN code is “1611”.

    So many… I could go on all day.

  4. Oooh, just remembered a good one…

    …the entire congregation has sung “We love you Preacher, oh yes we do. We love you Preacher, it’s true. And when you’re not with us, we miss you. Oh Preacher we love you.” and then followed with chanting “That’s My Preacher!!!!” for a couple minutes.

  5. …you’ve ever searched yard sales for a really “worn out looking” KJV

    …you let the Pastor set personal standards for your family

    …you ask the Pastor for a good church to attend where you are vacationing, just so he knows you’re going to church

    …you’ve heard your Pastor demean studying the Biblical languages by saying “I know a little Greek who runs a sandwich shop and a Hebrew who’s a tailor”

    …your Pastor secretly changes the church’s doctrinal statement so a IFB group will hold a conference at his church

    …your church has a rule against women wearing open-toed shoes on the platform

    …your Pastor repeatedly uses the phrase “now God doesn’t mean” when trying to explain Ephesians 1:4-5

  6. …you’ve heard countless sermons against the evils of modern translations, but can’t think of the last time you heard a sermon on biblical inerrancy

    …you actually think your KJV is the original 1611

    …you’ve never actually sung all the verses in a hymn

    …you call your pastor “Preacher”

    …you decry those who “spiritualize” Revelation, while teaching what all the symbols represent

    …you know who Patch the Pirate is, and know all the lyrics to all his songs by heart

  7. …you love bragging about your “old-time religion,” but have never read any of the historic creeds, confessions, and catechisms

    …despite the fact that you’ve never read them, you can give a mini-sermon on why they’re Catholic, and therefore bad (regardless of the fact that the Creed predates Catholicism, and the Reformation confessions and creeds explicitly repudiate Catholicism)

    …you know all 30 verses to “Just as I Am”

    …you think it’s sinful to go to the movies, but see nothing wrong with renting them six months later

  8. …your church covers up the non-KJV verses with their KJV equivalents on its VBS materials

    …the inside cover of your Bible is covered with all the dates of when you “won someone to Christ” or “went forward” to “make a decision”

    …you won’t buy root beer that comes in glass bottles, because it’ll give someone “the appearance of evil”

    …you refuse to dance, but have no problem doing “movements” in children’s church

  9. …you call it “Bud-dumb-er”

    …you change the channel when a beer commercial comes on

    …you won’t buy a book unless it quotes from the KJV

  10. …you’ve heard chapel messages in Bible college dedicated to defending the school’s rules

    …you have an entire wardrobe of ankle-length denim and khaki skirts

    …you think that an ankle-length denim skirt with an oversized sweatshirt and running shoes is fashionable

  11. …you once thought dating (or marriage) of a mixed-race couple was wrong but could never explain why

    …you call weird art “sacred”

    …you keep all back issues of the Sword of the Lord

    …you thought Shakespeare was a Baptist

    …you give yourself an invitation during your private devotions.

  12. …you think it’s perfectly normal to refer to your male professors as Brother Such-and-Such

    …you think that anyone with stricter rules than you is a legalist. Anyone with looser rules is a liberal and an apostate

    …you think that John the Baptist was a Baptist

    …you don’t know what an elder is

    …your Baptist History class covered the history of your particular IFB fellowship, not the actual history of Baptists

    …you think that Baptists aren’t Protestants

  13. …you’ve been married 16 years and still have to whisper the word “sex” when you talk about it.

    …a giant blue singing hymnal is “good children’s teaching,” not “an LSD trip.”

    …you use off-brand grape Kool-Aid for the blood of Christ.

    …your wedding dress had a lace collar that went all the way up to your chin.

    …you think your granddaughter’s “Women Make Great Leaders – You’re Following One Now!” bumper sticker is heresy. (This one I have personal experience with.)

  14. …you’ve ever used pictures of African and South American women wearing dresses to prove your case that women naturally know that wearing pants is contrary to the created order.

    …you’ve ever called a man with who parts his hair down the middle a “neo-evangelical,” no matter how neat and tidy he keeps it.

    …you’ve ever thought it was perfectly normal for the entire youth group to “get saved” and/or “surrender to full-time Christian service” every summer at camp.

    …you’ve ever won (or tried to win) a big black leather Bible for bringing the most visitors during revival week.

    …you’ve ever begged family members to show up for revival services to inflate your visitor count.

    …a main character dies in your Christmas cantata every year, thus causing another main character to begin living life on the straight and narrow.

    …you’ve ever thought that the church year is just a superstition that obscurs Jesus but religiously observe Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Veterans Day and plan the entire church service around them.

    …you’ve ever denounced a church that displays a crucifix but consider the American flag to be essential decor.

    …you’ve ever referred to the local university or state school as “Philistine U.”

    1. “you’ve ever used pictures of African and South American women wearing dresses to prove your case that women naturally know that wearing pants is contrary to the created order.”

      Haha even though the men obviously aren’t wearing pants….

  15. …you were once amazed that your pastor had a doctorate until you realized it was honorary or awarded from a church basement Bible college

    …you name your first son Obadiah Hyles Spurgeon…

    …the ushers in your church all wore matching suits

    …you think you’re the first congregation to hear the evangelist’s joke that he’s been telling for 30 years

    …you see people with a puzzled look on their face when you tell them you go to college they think is named after a famous golfer

    …you were amazed when someone told you the pastor’s picture was in the paper, until you realized it was the church’s advertisement in the Sword of the Lord

  16. …you’ve not only worn culottes but culottes with a flap in front, so that people couldn’t tell it was a divided garment.

    …you don’t wear certain colored clothes (red for example)

    …you only wear turtle necks and long sleeved shirts

    …you think highly of Jonathan Edwards and Charles Spurgeon without realizing that you reject the theology they espoused

    …you’ve witnessed or participated in “popcorn preaching”

    …you’ve heard “wind-sucking preachers”

    …you major on all the minors

    …you say “wine” in the bible means “grape juice” but haven’t found a way to reinterpret “strong drink”, so you just pretend it’s not there

    …you act like loyalty to the denomination or leaders thereof is more important that loyalty to the Word, and call people who don’t “rebellious”

    …you’ve used ACE, A Beka, or BJ homeschool curriculum

  17. …you preach on the evil of long hair for men and then have “sacred art” (aka catholic art) showing long hair on Jesus.

    …one of your university dorms is named after a former Grand Cyclops of the KKK…Bibb Graves.

  18. You’ve actually worn pants under skirt while snow sledding….

    You know people that have honorary doctorates and want you to call them “Dr. So and So”….

    You don’t believe women should wear pants (clothing that pertains to a man) but it’s OK to shop in the men’s department for long shorts that will come to the knee….

    Your pastor gives a sermon before taking up the offering every Sunday, every service…

    Your pastor gives another sermon after his main sermon after you’ve sung all the verses of the invitation hymn and then has another invitation hymn just to see if the last sermon worked to get anyone down the aisle….

    Your church uses the whole morning service for a “patriotic service” and spend more time honoring the military than honoring God….

    Your church talks about the evils of contemporary music but still sings some of the most ridiculous choruses from the 60s that have unscriptural lyrics…

  19. You knew everything in the christian book store except for the bulletins and kjv’s were liberal and not worth your time.

    You called Focus on the Family Hocus Pocus on the Family since they were liberal and would just brain wash you.

    Guys could wear knee length shorts, but girls skirts had to go to the ground because you might be able to see up them.

    You waddled like a duck because you sewed up that horrible slit in your straight skirt.

    When you got to Bible College you loved the freedom of a 4 inch slit.

    You were amazed how liberal Hyles-Andersons dress rules were, but enjoyed the freedom! (if you were brave enough to wear a skirt that short!)

  20. …you ever had to go down on your knees in front of a Christian school teacher so they could use a ruler to measure how far your skirt was off the floor.

    …the pastor of your church wrote the book on Biblical Separation. Mine did.

    …the Bible college you attended refused to show “The Sound of Music” on Friday Film Night, not because of the dancing or the kissing, but because of the Catholic nuns.

    …you believe that Hollywood makes movies, but churches show films, and you don’t call that splitting hairs. And, you believe that, if you’re going to split hairs, they should still always be parted on the side.

    …you were ever strongly rebuke by a pastor for violating the sanctity of the church sanctuary by wearing slacks to practice the organ on a Saturday, because slacks “are for the gymnasium.” And, if you told him you rode your bike to get there, and he told you that you still should have worn a skirt. And, if you told him that you would practice the organ elsewhere but that the gymnasium didn’t have an organ…and he didn’t get the joke…ever.

    …you ever had to stand in a line of girls who were having their outfits approved or disapproved by the youth pastor before your youth group could leave to attend an amusement park for the day. (That’s really specific I know. I would love to know if anyone else ever had that experience. Any girls, that is!)

    …your pastor showed up for a church work day in starched jeans that had a solid crease ironed in them.

    …you didn’t own a pair of blue jeans until you out of college and free enough in Christ to realize that He doesn’t care what you’re wearing or what fabric it’s made of.

    …you realize that your past is so steeped in this slop that you could keep adding to this list all day and that eventually it wouldn’t be funny anymore.

    1. “you ever had to stand in a line of girls who were having their outfits approved or disapproved by the youth pastor before your youth group could leave to attend an amusement park for the day.”

      No, but we had then at my Fundy U every few weeks *rolls eyes*

  21. …you thought holding your own microphone in church was worldly.

    …you only ever wore church clothes to youth group on Wednesday night and you always took your own Bible with you.

    …the order of service, attendance and offering was in the bulletin every week.

    …you were made to write out Eph 6:1 500 hundred times as punishment.

    …guilt was used on a regular basis to get you to conform.

    1. @ Free “…and you always took your own Bible with you”? Wow. Those darn Fundamentalists take their OWN BIBLE to church! What a bunch of weirdos! I don’t think that bringing a Bible is a sign of legalistic fundy-ism. I think it just shows that you’re a Christian.

      1. I think Free means carrying your own Bible to and from church as opposed to using a pew Bible or one out of the basket they kept on hand for the “less spiritual” people who forgot to bring their own. Because actually reading the Bible is less important than having everyone see you carrying it around everywhere. 🙄

  22. If you felt guilty about dating a lutheran because you might be “unequally yoked”.
    Your parents took heat for letting you join the drama club in high school but it was OK to play the angel at the easter drama service.
    You left tracts with your tips when you went out to eat.
    About a month after watching “A Thief In The Night” you went into major panic mode whenyou came home one afternoon and your mom and baby sister weren’t there.

  23. …you were told it is a sin for men to have a beard.

    …your pastor uses the words: slacks, movie house, country western music, and bless gawwd.

    …your pastor puts his hand next to his ear after he makes a point so that you know when to say amen.

    …your pastor is the hero of every illustration that he tells.

    …you believe Jesus had a tapered, slicked, and parted hairstyle.

    …you believe real men wear white shirts.

  24. …if there is a copy of “Those Kids in Proverbsville” in your house.

    …if, along with sewing/pinning up skirt slits, you also had to sew/pin “keyholes” in the backs of blouses. After all, you wouldn’t want a boy lusting because he saw two inches of your upper back.

    …if your IFB school had dress checks for the girls and hair checks for the boys.

    …if your ‘preacher’ and/or father refused to wear denim of any kind, and refused to let you wear denim of any kind because of the hippies.

    …if your teen group made candy bar posters for your ‘preacher’ and sang the above-mentioned song, “We Love You, Preacher”.

    …if you went into a Spencer Gifts store for the first time as an adult and felt guilty/naughty.

    …if you asked your pastor’s advice on a house you wanted to buy.

  25. @ Jess B, yes!!! I have a copy of “Those Kids in Proverbsville”!!!! Oh, my, I can’t believe anyone else has ever heard of that! I think I earned mine from learning verses for a Bible Memory club.

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