In 1875 Louis Prang became the first printer to offer Christmas cards in America thereby beginning a tradition that would test the mettle of fundamentalists everywhere: The Yearly Quest For A Fundy-Approved Christmas Card.

This Quest For the Card is no job for the faint of heart since the perfect card must meet a stringent list of fundamentalist qualifications. Not only must it contain text from the Authorized King James Version but that text must also be matched to the theme of the enclosed gospel tract. It would be unthinkable to spend the postage to send a card and not enclose a copy of Humbug.

What’s more, the picture on the front of the card must be reflective of fundamentalist values. Stars are good. Bibles on a bed of pine branches are good. Nativities, however, are only good if nobody in the scene is sporting a Catholic halo and the wise men are absent. (If no wise-men-free cards are available a disclaimer note may be place on the reverse side.)

If the hours spent scouring every store in town for a suitable card proves fruitless, don’t despair. You can order a pre-approved selection from Sword of the Lord for the low, low price of $6 per dozen.