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Commandments Concerning Motor Vehicles

And when it shall come to pass that the Lord shall bless the and thy household and thy ministry with a horseless carriage (such as was prophesied by John the Revelator if you know how to look) then shalt thou observe to follow all the commandments which I give thee this day. So shalt thou cruise about the land in the invention of that great American Henry Ford and so shalt thy flat tires, and engine failures, and traffic tickets be no more than the usual amount.

And thou shalt in no wise place a man and a woman who are not married nor related more distantly than first cousin alone in a car together. For in the beginning God made them male and female and then gave them strict instructions that they should not be allowed alone in a car together unless they are married, chaperoned, or one of them is the pastor and he’s taking her across state lines to do some “counseling.” For thus it is written: “Lust cometh not from the heart but verily it ascendeth up from car floor mats and doth make even the most reasonable person into a lascivious chump. This goes double for pastors.”

To this end also, thy car’s wireless radio shall be tuned only to such music as is meet for the provision of thy soul, namely the station that plays only songs, hymns, spiritual songs, and sometimes a little Southern Gospel which isn’t too bad as long as the drums aren’t too prominent in it. But if there shall be no old-time fundamentalist radio station in your town thou mayest on occasion listen to NPR but only Performance Today and such like shows with classical music. But of the news programs and talk segments thou mayest not listen lest the liberalism of Terry Gross and her ilk counfound thy soul.

On the rear of thy chariot thou shalt affix all manner of bumper stickers and magnetic signs to tell the world that thou art a Republican, and a handgun owner, and likely to leave the car unmanned in case of Rapture. Verily shalt they know that you are a Christian when you cut them off in traffic. But of the speed and recklessness of thy driving that is a matter of individual soul liberty. Only do not try handing the deputy sheriff a gospel tract with your license and registration when he stops you for speeding because after the way thy church sued the department after those men got arrested for street preaching you won’t be doing yourself any favors.

And as to which exact car you should buy, we have no commandment save that thou consult with thy pastor who is a wise man and full of advice and shall give you good counsel that you buy only large vans to hold all the children thou shalt have once you get right with God and stop using birth control. But of the sports car, and of the luxury sedan, and of the fun little coupe you know those would make a swell present for the pastor on his birthday.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 255