Category Archives: Sex

Fundy Sex Week Day 5 Bonus: Idle Hands

[spoiler title=”Click to Read–>”]

It is rare on this blog that I get the opportunity to offend not only fundamentalists but evangelicals and Catholics as well in a single post. Thankfully, the last two years has given me a depth of experience in being the object of people’s righteous (if misguided) indignation. So I’m going to foolishly rush in before I have the chance to second guess myself. Here we go…”

In this world there are many hard and uncomfortable truths that cannot be either denied or avoided. For fundamentalists there is perhaps no truth that is more uncomfortable than this: Human Beings Masturbate. And fundamentalists are no exception. If you’re a guy attending your favorite Fundy U you’d be advised to get a pair of shower shoes. Enough said.

The difference, of course, is that even when everybody’s doing it, almost nobody in fundyland dares to talk about it. It’s a secret shame. A hidden evil. A sin that bears the moniker of Onan the barbarian– and we all know that his story hardly ended well. So of course, this silence is going to be broken as of right now.

Like so many other topics, the Scriptures remain strangely silent on the practice of going it alone. Given this lack of explicit prohibition, one would think that with all the fundamentalists would be happy to offer some alternative to the raging hormones of youth, the privations of singleness, or the general stress of life. And yet, despite being healthy and natural and almost universal among humans (and a bunch of other species), the stigma remains. So many poor souls torture themselves endlessly about the fact that they do exactly what everybody else is doing…and to what end?

Like anything else, masturbation is not without its pitfalls. The Scriptures do have a some rather pointed things things to say about not violating your own conscience and about fleeing patterns of illicit lust. But lust is a state of mind not a physical reflex. On may as well condemn a person who sneezes in bright sunlight.

Of course, even godless secular psychology will tell you that a person who chooses their own company over that of their spouse is not in a healthy emotional or spiritual place. And an overuse of any stimuli whether it be sex, food, or substance abuse is likely a symptom of deeper issues. But judging a thing solely on its potential abuses is hardly a thoughtful approach. If fundamentalists are people of the Book then I challenge them to show me from a proper historical and contextual exegesis where solo sex is condemned. Take your time. Search carefully. I’ll wait.

By the way, if you should ever (in a most unlikely circumstance) find yourself in a battle of proof texts with a fundamentalist on this most taboo of topics, simply hand them Ecclesiastes 9:10 and then walk away whistling. It will apply to the subject just as much as any argument they care to invent. And it’ll be funny, trust me.

And Fundy U students, please bring shower shoes. I’m not kidding.

Fundy Sex Week Day 5: Playing Taboo

[spoiler title=”Click to Read–>”]

Yes, in case you were wondering, I’m purposely being provocative.

With the dreadful lack of education and information available about sex and the constant dire warnings that misusing it will lead to the destruction of your eternal soul, it’s not hard to see why fundamentalists have a lot of doubts and questions about what exactly they’re allowed to do when it comes to sex. Not that they actually ask anybody, mind you, they just spend lots of time feeling guilty about…whatever it is. In fundyland even thinking to ask a question may be a sign that you’re a total pervert and it’s better not to take the chance.

It might seem strange that two married adults (of the opposite sex, even!) would be worried that their private and consensual activities might somehow offend the sensibilities of their pastor or church. But that kind of fear is actually pretty normal in fundamentalism. If the powers that be in fundamentalism can regulate what’s in a person’s wardrobe, refrigerator, and movie collection then is it really so strange that someone might worry that they’ll judge what goes on in your bedroom (or kitchen, shower, Waffle House, or wherever the spirit moves you)?

This fear and guilt leaves amorous fundamentalists with far more questions than answers.

Can we…?

What about using a…?

And then is it ok to say…?

What about trying…?

As an answer to all these and whatever other questions may have popped into your head in the last ten seconds, allow me to borrow a little bit from the 10th Amendment to the US constitution: “The right to do all kinds of sexy fun time stuff that is not explicitly commanded by the Scripture, nor prohibited by it is reserved to any couple’s best judgment, consensual agreement, and basic common sense.”

How about this? Love each other. Submit yourself to one another. Do unto each other as you would have them do unto you…and then just have fun. When it comes right down to it, that’s what sex is really supposed to be all about.

Fundy Sex Week Day 4: The Scarlet Letter

[spoiler title=”Click to Read–>”]

Unless you’re lucky enough to be a managawd, his son, or one of his prize tithers, committing any sexual sin (save one we’ll discuss in a moment) is a certain path to the most severe punishments that fundyland has to offer. Forgiveness will inevitably be granted to those who merely steal, lie, cheat, and even kill their fellow man but if you’re a fifteen year old who gets caught trying to get to second base with the head deacon’s daughter you can expect a brief trial, quick sentencing and virtual banishment for both the perpetrators and their families.

It’s hard to say what causes this elevation of sexual sins above any other crime in fundamentalism. Is it merely a cultural artifact from a Puritan past? Or is there a darker motivation of men who demonize sex in public so they can exploit the innocent and repressed in private? Whatever the reason, fear, ignorance, control, and mind games are the order of the day.

With sex being the certain path to death and destruction, every good fundamentalist is constantly on the lookout for any hint of sexuality so that they might warn against it loudly and eradicate it if possible. Every book, every song, every article of clothing is scrutinized and analyzed for any hint of sensuality or tinge of lust. And woe be unto those who fail to realize the deadly seriousness of this enterprise and think it might not be a sign of a healthy person if they find sexual connotations everywhere.

The unhappy effect from this overactive fear of sex is that the strangest fetishes result. Without warning a tinge of lace, an errant brassiere strap, or an uncovered table leg may very well send a fundy male spiraling out of control into an animal frenzy of unbridled lust — and thus the dire warnings against sex become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For it stands to reason that if you’re conditioned to think that naked knees or open-toed shoes are a huge turn on then the world is going to become an awkward place to live in.

As I mentioned at the start, there is one exception to the constant vigilance against sexual sin and that is a watchfulness against rape and abuse. In the years of sitting through hundreds of sermons warning against pornography, fornication, adultery, and mixed bathing, I cannot remember a single sermon even mentioning rape as a sin unless it was in the context of suggesting that a woman who dresses provocatively is probably asking for it. It seems strange that fundamentalists can’t seem to find the time to decry the rapist because they’re too busy pinning scarlet letters on all but those who deserve them the most.