34 thoughts on “Fundy Sex Week Day 4 Bonus: Metaphors”

    1. The Song is troublesome for fundies because to read it literally undermines their claim that the only God-approved sex is between a married hetero couple. Nevermind that stuff about giving handmaidens, capturing virgins from enemies, keeping concubines, having multiple wives, marrying women you rape, etc. 🙄

  1. God’s creation is certainly true,
    It’s not just some tall tale.
    And of course the earth was flooded,
    And Jonah was ate by a whale.
    These of course and many more
    Are stories we hold true and dear,
    But some books aren’t so obvious,
    And the Bible is not always clear.

    Yes, we know that Solomon
    Wrote a letter to his mate
    But if we think it’s sexual
    It might cause us to fornicate.
    Sure, he talks about her navel,
    And describes her breasts too.
    Yet that is simply metaphor,
    Which means those are fake boobs.

    1. BWAHAHAHahahahahaha!
      If I were braver, did not have a ‘lady-like” image to uphold, and weren’t friends with so many kids form the youth group on facebook, I’d post this without hesitation.

  2. Raise your hand if during chapel at your fundy high school, you sat on the row of kids who would read Song of Solomon instead of listen to them drone on about all the evil things they didn’t want you to do… 😆

    1. We had a boys only van followed by a girls only van for our youth group to travel to youth conference every year. We’d use our notebooks intended for conference notes to write notes and stick them in the windshields to communicate. The boy van got in trouble when they started quoting verses out of Song of Solomon.

      1. Escapee, I was in a boys only van, heading to youth conference, followed by a girls only van, and we did put verses from Song of Solomon in the windows. Incidentally, the only person who got in trouble for their verse selection is now a B-list fundy evangelist and “president” of a basement fundy bible school.

      2. I remember taking a bus trip out to a Hyles youth conference one year and some of the guys holding ‘scorecards’ up to the windows for passing female motorists.

  3. This is what bothers me most with fundies, and most Christians actually: Inconsistent Hermeneutic. If you take everything literally, fine. Why do so many fundies take the minutia laws of Leviticus as applicable for today, but then read the sermon on the mount and claim that Jesus’ ethic is not for our time, or that he wasn’t serious. This is especially true of Jesus’ commands to be loving and giving. What gives? Or Elisha was protected by child eating bears, therefore no one can attack the Managawd, but Acts 2, where all the believers threw their belongings into a pot so no one would be in need? Screw it, that’s communism. I believe the Bible is the best objective message from God we have in the world, and I never cease to be amazed the amount of violence perpetrated against the text by those who claim to believe it. No wonder people believe the Bible is full of contradictions. These hypocrites can’t stop contradicting themselves!

    -(I was up all night waiting to pick up a relative from work that actually didn’t need a ride-rant)

  4. Don’t remember a sermon on The Song of Solomon ever in any Southern Baptist Church I attended.

  5. Jack Schaap the Freud of Fundie?
    Gives a whole new meaning to his “Slap” Grandma comment doesn’t it. Jack getting his freak on with Grandma in a little BDSM action. It boggles the mind 😯 😈

    1. Of course, being a fundy, and married to one, metaphorical sex may be the only kind he’s getting. Or enjoying.

    1. This and the ‘Tequila’ song made all the girls hot, cause the drummers, sax players, and trumpet players were SEXY!! I, alas, played the cello.

  6. Jason B might remember this. But, remember when they “suggested” to us that unmarried people not read Song of Solomon?

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