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All posts by Darrell
Taxonomy
I was walking across a bridge recently. I spied this guy who looked like he was ready to jump off. So, I thought I’d try to stall him until authorities showed up (or at least until I had time to ready my camera). “Don’t jump!” I said.
“Why not? Nobody loves me.”
“God loves you,” I said. “You believe in God, don’t you?”
“Yes, I believe in God.”
“Good,” I said. “Are you Christian or Jewish?”
“Christian.â€
“Me too!” I said. “Protestant or Catholic?”
“Neither,” he said.
“What then?”
“Baptist,” he said.
“Me, too!” I said. “Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
“Independent Baptist.”
“Me too!” I said. “New Evangelical/Moderate Independent Baptist or Conservative Independent Baptist?”
“Conservative Independent Baptist.”
“Me too!” I said. “Dispenstional Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist or Historical Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”
“Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”
“Me too!” I said. “Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillenial Conservative Independent Baptist or For Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”
“Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillenial Conservative Independent Baptist.”
“Me too!” I said. “Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillenial Conservative Independent Baptist or Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”
“Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”
“Me too!” I said. “Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist
Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist or Anti-Disney Boycott Pro-Choice Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”
“Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”
“Me too!” I said. “KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist or Modern Versions Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”
“Actually, I’m NASB-PREFERRED Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”
“Auugghh!!! You heretic!” I said. And I pushed him over.
— Adapted by reader KindOfBored from a very old joke
Finding Sin In The Camp
Once upon an Old Testament time there was a man named Achan who ignored God’s orders and took a five-fingered discount on some bling while plundering and pillaging the city of Jericho. The end result was that a bunch of people died because he had brought sin into the camp.
The cry of “there’s sin in the camp” is one that’s greatly loved by fundamentalists as a reason why bad things are happening or good ones aren’t. After all, God may want to do a great and mighty work here but that dime novel you’ve got hidden in the corn crib is standing in His way! Get the sin out of the camp!
The “I got the sin out of the camp” tale is a favorite type of war story for evangelists. It seems that evangelists are given a special gift of looking down into the audience and seeing which specific person is the reason why revival hasn’t broken out in a service. So the evangelist’s job is to preach harder and harder until that person finally breaks down and repents in tears. The very next night 5,378 people will get saved because they got the SIN OUT OF THE CAMP! Glory!
In the realm of fundamentalist guilt trips this is a very powerful one because it puts the malefactor in the position of being guilty not only for his own sin but also for being the instrument of other people’s destruction. Nothing beats the feeling of sitting in a revival service wracking your brain to see if there’s something you did that might be keeping revival from busting out all over.
Strangely enough, little things like a pastor’s affair or a deacon’s tax fraud never stop “revival” from happening. It’s always hidden rock music and secret trips to the movies. Weird how that works.
Michael & Debi Pearl
Michael and Debi Pearl are the creative force behind No Greater Joy ministries, a source for all the resources discerning fundamentalists needs to end up in jail for beating their children.
Who knew that a book called Smack That Child Until She Stops Whimpering could end up having such terrible consequences? Ah, well. those kids probably deserved it.
Ah, but the insanity doesn’t just stop with with their child rearing advice. Here are a few video jewels from Michael’s video series where he answers Bible questions…
I don’t drink but after watching that mess, I’m thinking that it’s never too late to start. And yet many, many fundamentalists will quote these folks as the final authority on child rearing. It boggles the imagination.
Nepotism
In fundamentalism, ministry is a family business. The preacher’s wife plays the piano. The preacher’s younger son leads the singing while the elder runs the youth group. The preacher’s daughter manages the nursery. Each one ensures that the leader has a tight leash on every department in the organization.
Some day when dad is finally called home to his reward, one of the sons will pick up where he left off, often regaling the congregation with tales of “what dad once said.” An aspiring preacher boy will be lucky enough to marry this great man’s daughter and leverage that name recognition into his own ministerial conquests. (The other son will get gender realignment surgery and start a band in Hoboken, NJ — but we’ll never hear about him).
A good name may be more desirable than great riches but in fundamentalism it’s unlikely you’ll have one without the other. As for the rest of you rabble, if you’re not blessed enough to have such a pedigree, good luck keeping up with the Joneses.