105 thoughts on “Being Tacky”

  1. I’ve lurked along time to be first. I don’t know what a butt cushion is or why you get it for being first but please mail mine to my former fundy church and place it in my old pew as a memorial.

  2. Now for my actual comment.
    When you confuse words with The Word, and letting your light shine means waving a book instead of living by what you claim to believe, you idolatry must be shown in mysterious ways.

      1. Darrell, I would put that on my car, especially if I were in an area with a lot of KJV plates and car magnates. (I know it’s magnets, but magnates is in step with typical Fundy website spelling)

  3. You do realize that in IBF-dom, that Dodge Ram 15 passenger van is known as the “rolling quiver”. And I also would be willing to bet my farm that 13 of the DNA samples in that van come have a common source of origin.

    1. I always thought that title was reserved for the Chevy Beauville. I remember one of our church “busses” was affectionately called “Big Beau.” And the bus kids were said to attend “Beauville Baptist Church”

    2. I have a KJV fundy brother. Recently he or his spouse (hard to know which–typical Fundy shared Facebook account) just posted a picture of their “new” wheels. It is a stretched 15 passenger van.

      1. Serious question: how do people have the time, energy and money for so many kids? Especially if they are in a fundie sub-culture where doing church stuff is almost a full time job in itself?

        1. It’s actually fairly simple, if you put away childish things and straighten out priorities. The kind of “fundies” around these parts are strongly opposed to couples having more than two kids – three tops.

          Large families were perfectly normal not very long ago. I don’t see why people make a big deal of it.

        2. Ignatius,
          I spent a lot of years in Fundamentalism, and have never heard of, and can’t even imagine, any kind of “fundy” strongly discouraging couples from having more than two or three children.

        3. I can’t speak for the rational parents of large families, but I know how the fundamentalists do it:

          1. Beat them all. Call it chastisement, smacking, discipline, or Biblical child training; it’s all beatings. Beat them when they crawl off the picnic blanket you put them on. Beat them for crying because you were beating them. If you are the imaginative type you may replace the beatings with, for example, hot sauce on the tongue, but the point is to control them through physical pain. You may hug them before or afterwards while providing an explanation peppered with Bible verses; you may heed the warnings of your preacher never to beat in anger; but if you don’t want your children to go to Hell, Las Vegas, or a Democratic political rally (but I repeat myself), you’d better hurt them a lot in order to break their wills. This has the added benefit of making the kids afraid to attract your notice, therefore generally quiet and compliant in your presence. See, for example, Michael and Debi Pearl. But be aware that if your children die while you are attempting to get them under control, the teachers who gave you the techniques you were using will disavow you utterly. Again, see the Pearls.

          2. Make the big kids raise the little ones–but only if the big kids are girls, because that’s women’s work. It is perfectly okay to deprive growing children of sleep by ordering them to do the overnight parenting. Have the big kids beat the little ones too.

          3. Make the big kids–again, this is almost certainly just the girls–do most of the housework so you can blog and go to conventions and stuff like that. If you don’t have enough girls, connect with somebody who can send over one of their girls to be a “mother’s helper” (that is, a full-time underage unpaid nanny/maid).

          4. Restrict food. Measure out the filling for the burritos practically by the mouthful; count the animal crackers you allow for dessert; lock the cupboards. Keep your son so deprived that he fills up his Instagram with hundreds of photos of chain-restaurant meals when he escapes your home. While they are in your home, your children will be less active than children who are allowed to eat until they are no longer hungry, which is a bonus for you. Restrict other things too, such as sleeping and living space, because that’s cheaper and there is less to clean up. Putting your kids on factory shelving instead of bunk beds, for example, is perfectly okay.

          Think I’m exaggerating? It’s all out there for the finding. Every last word of it. Often in the words of fundamentalist parents who don’t have a clue how they appear to other people because they’ve been in their echo chamber so long.

      2. Ben,

        I’m from the northeast and moved to the heart of Appalachia. I suppose I’m being incorrect to use the term for the Baptists here. Maybe they’re mainstream Baptist, but I swear ninety-five percent of the attributes applied to fundamentalists on this site appear to apply to them.

        Around here it seems everyone who’s holy (or not) talk smack about larger families.

        Sincerely confused about fundies,
        Ignatius

        1. It may be that in some few parts of fundystan that people are aware of the problems having too large a family represents.

          But usually, if they give way on one thing they double down on another. Can’t let the world in too much, you know.

    3. My friend’s late husband wanted to get a schoolbus to haul their kids around (they were not fundies in any stretch of the imagination, but they had a very large family consisting of both biological and foster children)

  4. Ahhh, the airbrushed look. Brings back the memories. I almost feel like I’m at an amusement park in the ’80s. Thanks, Darrell.

    So is this the new fundy-retro style?

  5. Since it’s so close to the ground on the front bumper wouldn’t it get dirty? And since the picture of the Bible is supposed to represent the KJ Bible doesn’t that mean they are dragging the Bible through the mud?

  6. Weird point – a few days ago I was wondering if any state still required a license plate on front. Now I know. Now as to why I was wondering that a few days ago when I had never really thought about it before… (Twilight Zone theme music plays.)

    1. I think only northern states require two plates, so the local officials know who to notify of plow damage, if you catch my drift.

    2. I live in the greater St. Louis area and can tell you for a fact that both Missouri and Illinois still require both front and rear tags.

      1. That’s because Maryland has the absolute worst official state song–it’s about “the patriotic gore that flecked the streets of Baltimore” and goes downhill from there.

        1. It’s hard to consider a song patriotic when it’s sung to the tune of “O Tannenbaum.” Although I’ll admit to a sneaking fondness to the reference to “Northern scum”–there are so many politicians (and others) that it can be applied to.

    1. Funny how people who live with such technology can think an ancient translation of an even more ancient text is the epitome of perfection.

      To accommodate that crowd, I propose a partnership with the Goode Folke of Stuffe Fundies Lyke to build a Theme Parke. Call it 1611 Lande.

      An immersive experience into the lives, beliefs, and daily experiences of those who translated the Sacred King James Version of the Bible! Live life like those who truly believed in a Biblical lifestyle!

      Ahhh. The profit to be made off such a venture! And as they experience bad food, bad clothes, no electricity, terrible sanitation, and ignorant masses they might come back thinking just a bit less of their perfect version of Salvation.

      Reality is cruel.

  7. “I have been convinced that Jesus is Lord and that the KJV 1611 is the one and only inspired Word of God because I saw this license plate,” said no one ever.

  8. Florida only has back license plates. And there are red-light cameras here in places.

    Uncle Wilver: I loved your comments!! 🙂

    1. We had red light cameras for a brief time in GA, but they were removed because the municipalities, especially Atlanta, were not following the rules.
      I am not the most legal driver around, but red lights and stop signs I take seriously, so being caught by the cameras was not a worry for me. The bright flash when the camera went off, though, was very unsafe in my opinion, since blinding drivers seems to be a bit of a stupid idea.

      http://blog.caranddriver.com/meet-the-guy-who-helped-take-down-georgia%E2%80%99s-red-light-cameras/
      http://www.cbs46.com/story/16688987/cbs-atlanta-investigation-may-lead-city-to-turn-off-red-light-cameras

      1. Oh, and we don’t have front plates. I do have a 50+ year old British plate that I had on my first Mini. I will put it on my current one when I get a frame.

      2. We had them in Houston until voters nixed it. Too many rear-end accidents. Almost like intentionally coming up with the dumbest excuse to avoid saying we want to continue running red lights. Re stop signs, I stop when someone is there first or I can’t see whether someone is coming. If you are alone and you have plenty of visibility, why bother? I prefer to drive to conditions rather than arbitrary regulations.

        1. Even when there’s a cop around the corner, hidden from your view and waiting to nab you?

          A stop sign means STOP, even on a deserted street.

        2. My kid is learning to drive: she now informs me, on side streets, when I have not come to a complete stop at stop signs. (I tend to do “rolling stops”, which means I’ve slowed my forward momentum, seen no one nearby, and started up again. Which FEELS like a stop. But isn’t actually one.

  9. This KJV-only issue was one of the things that began my departure from the IFB. For lack of a stronger word (it’s really early!), it’s just plain silly. To what other piece of literature would we apply this ridiculous translation “rule”?

    1. But that is what makes the KJV special. Its above those rules because its the Worrrrd of Gawd.

      you are right. It doesn’t make sense, especially as we find more and more pieces of scripture as archeologists discover more ruins. It doesn’t make sense to throw out all that has been discovered archeologically or even in literary circles. The more people discover about the use of words in the ancient world, the more we can discover the meanings. Why throw out the treasure of discovery since 1611?

      1. It just seems lazy to me. Yeah, the dudes finding it and translating it etc may not have the most orthodox beliefs all the time, but don’t just disagree because it’s different, find out why it’s different. All truth is God’s truth, don’t be afraid of it. If something is true, it’s true whether it was your pastor or an atheist that said it. Everyone has something to teach, everyone has something to learn.

        1. that is soooo not the fundamentalist mindset. When I was in a fundy lite church–we were taught to fear anyone who thought or believed differently than us. Even proselytizing was done from a distance–throw a tract at them or just read a scripted presentation or better yet bring them to church so the pastor’s message could do the work–you don’t befriend them or let them talk because you might be led astray…..

        1. We weren’t KJV only and women having to wear dresses and have long hair….We could listen to contemporary Christian music (as long as it wasn’t Amy Grant–lol) So I consider it fundy-lite…

  10. How funny! The Catholic Douay-Rheims Bible is older than the King Jimmy (New Testament completed in 1511, Old Testament completed in 1609). If license plate man thinks the King Jimmuh is the oldest version of the bible and transcribed directly from God’s lips to the English lawyers’ ears who edited/compiled it, he’s off by about four years

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