FWOTW: TheGethsemaneChurch.com


If the first thing you want people to see when they visit your church website is a picture of your members holding Chick Tracts…you might be a fundy.

But if you add the words “The King James” to the song The Bible Stands then you most assuredly are.

89 thoughts on “FWOTW: TheGethsemaneChurch.com”

    1. Got to the chorus and felt sick to my stomach. Heartburn. Haven’t had heartburn in a long time, but this did it!

      I have nothing against most fundamentalists. Many of them are very, very nice people. Their beliefs are the problem — or maybe it is the fact that they have surrendered to their MoG the things they decide to believe. Most of them could tell you the basics of the gospel, but they can’t tell you anything about the theology that is preached to them. My wife can’t remember the Pastor’s sermon ten minutes after he has gotten through speaking!

      I would bet that very few of these singers have read through the Bible even once. Fewer still could tell you what they actually believe. Perhaps that is because they don’t really believe anything on their own? Isn’t that kind of ignorance how churches are pulled into apostasy to begin with?

  1. From the “about us” on the page:

    “Pastor Noyes was raised on a family farm in Essex, Missouri. After high school, he worked as a ‘sheet-metal man’ on several projects, including the Gemini space shuttle.”


    Either the person who wrote the copy on their site has no idea what the Gemini capsules were, or there is just a whole lotta science fail going on over in them there parts.

    1. What do you mean? All you need to make a space shuttle is some first quality Illinois sheet metal and a rivet gun

    2. There is a lot of that going around. My old pastor helped put together the Sputnik moon landing vehicle.

  2. I apply this to KJV Only:

    Man’s mind is like a store of idolatry and superstition; so much so that if a man believes his own mind it is certain that he will forsake God and forge some idol in his own brain.

    John Calvin

    1. Rob, do you remember the Chink Rink in Pekin? That really shocked me the first time I heard what it was called. I thought it was just a racist Fundy joke until we went and I saw that was what it was really called. Not cool at all.

    2. So I’m relatively new to the area (since 2011). I live in Normal, and work in Bloomington (NOT State Farm). Grew up mostly in Danville/Westville though way over on the Indiana edge of 74.

        1. No, it’s Heritage Health a state wide chain of nursing homes. Closest we have to Peoria is in Chillicothe.

      1. I see, well I used to have a sister who lives near there. She still lives there but as I am no longer ”gathered” Peeb speak for being a member in good standing of their cult, I am no longer an acknowledged sister.

        1. An obscure branch of the Plymouth Brethren. Not a church, they insist. It is the place where God has put His name and they just go there, to God’s name. Can you say cult?

  3. Our pastor in church today preached out of the book of Amos. The IFBF KJV only people remind me of Northern Israel setting up worship and idols and thinking they are truly serving God.

  4. KJV only, and they carry chick tracts…but they’re not baptist??? This is a weird combination.

  5. It reminds me of the musicians I once saw a traditional countryside Buddhist funeral in Asia. At the time I described it this way:

    Throughout the ceremony I noted that the musicians were playing with all their might and main, and each one as if he were the only one making noise. Although the feat was impossible to the rest of us, they were apparently capable of completely tuning out the music of the other musicians, resulting in a sound which was, though perhaps not melodious, certainly fiercely independent.

    1. FIERCELY INDEPENDENT! That is a spectacular description! I haven’t watched that video yet, but I now know exactly what it sounds like!

  6. Oh, mercy, they wash feet, it’s in their list of beliefs. I find that creepy.

    1. And not just as a thing they do, but one of the ordinances of the church. That’s double creepy. Never heard of that.

      1. Some liturgical churches have foot-washing on Maundy Thursday (the Thursday before Easter Day),

        Even the Pope washes feet of thirteen persons each year on that day. (Twelve apostles plus Jesus).

    2. Most of the Russian churches my family ever attended had a foot-washing ceremony (usually once a month, I think). I participated once.

      I’m kinda surprised that Gethsemane doesn’t consider head coverings for the wimmenfolk an ordinance of the church.

    3. Haha, I imagine you won’t be going for the holy kiss anytime soon either, will you. A friend and I were discussing it once and he said, “A dude comin’ at me with hairy lips is just not where it’s at, man!” Seriously though, so much of that is just cultural. Feet washing was common enough back in Biblical times. Greeting with a kiss is still almost standard across South America and in some eastern European countries. I’ve actually seen foot washing done in a church setting once; not mixed gender of course, and by guys who were obviously secure in their heterosexuality. It actually seemed kinda like brotherly love. I could kinda feel the symbolism of humbling one’s self, being a servant to a brother. Dunno, just didn’t feel as weird as I thought it’d be when I actually saw it in person. In this day and age of everyone thinking western culture is superior to all others, it can be refreshing to see people embrace symbolism from another culture.

      1. I am familiar with the holy kiss. Usually just one kiss on the lips, sometimes one on each cheek then once on the lips, and after washing a brother’s feet it’s gotta be three smacks on the lips. I’ve managed to avoid such greetings lately – not that I think it’s wrong, but it’s simply become too awkward for me.

        1. Also, the kisses would be same-sex. The early Christian churches would have been segregated by sex. Think about how Arab or Italian men embrace and kiss each other three times.

        2. Our pastor used to say mothers should not kiss their children (especially sons) on the lips – lip kissing is only for husband and wife

    4. Foot-washing is an ancient and honorable tradition, after the example of Jesus. Many churches do it, and I don’t think it’s at all creepy.

      1. We practice it at the Episcopal Church. On what we call Maundy Thursday, we remember that Last Supper where Jesus washed the disciples’ feet.

        The priest notes on that day he remembers the admonition that the servant is not above his Master, and as the Master washed the feet of his servants, he too will wash the feet of those who come.

        I have experienced it twice. It was moving to see this gentleman humble himself in that way, and in a way it was humbling for me to expose my feet for someone else to handle and clean. It speaks to the fact that we need each other to maintain a clean Christian walk.

    5. *shrug* It’s a ritual of humility in the liturgical churches. It was what servants did back in the Age of Sandals: wash the stinky feet of guests who’d just come in from the street. It was about the ookiest job in the house that didn’t involve handling trash, poop, or bloody meat. Jesus did it for the disciples, so we do it for one another.

      Whether this church threw out centuries of tradition and theology and reinvented this ritual badly…yeah, I wouldn’t bet against it.

  7. This website is an abomination and a mockery. You should bow humbly before the righteous servants of GOD. I am praying imprecatory prayers.

      1. I’m guessing none of them will feature the oft-mentioned love of God, famous in song and story.

        1. “For the love of God, Montresor!”
          “Yes,” I said, “for the love of God!”

          — The Cask of Amontillado

  8. From their website–

    ” The atheists, the evolutionist, the humanists, the false religions, all tell you of their philosophies and doctrines. But they have no plan for a future beyond the grave.”

    Gotta watch out for them evolutionists!

    1. I guess this guy hasn’t been around a whole lot, if the thinks that all other religions don’t have a “plan for a future beyond the grave”. Because, you know, one of the central reasons for the drive of religion isn’t the afterlife.

    2. Yes, because everybody has to have a doctrine. Everybody has a group of maximum leaders set up in imitation of and opposition to the preachers.

      Except, huh, not.

  9. In the second video, two women in front are sharing a song book while the others each have their own.

    Could it be . . . .?

  10. I’m surprised nobody brought up this pastor’s amazing last name. I’m guessing it’s pronounced something like “noise”, but I would purposefully call him “No Yes” any chance I’d get. Hell, if my last name was “Noyes”, I’d tell people to call me Mr. No Yes.

  11. Not surprisingly, there is more material on their website about the King James Version than on any other subject. The coup-de-grace was the Sam “I’m not a doctor but I play one in YouTube videos” Gipp link.

  12. I found it interesting that under “doctrine” on their menu there is only found one link–the King James Bible.
    And the doctrine is listed as : “The Bible clearly teaches or the Bible teaches….” What they believe about God doesn’t show up until #7….unless the Bible is their god and then the list makes a whole lot more sense.
    And if you click on the King James Bible under the word “doctrine” on the menu–you get a whole lot more information on the King James Bible than you do on God anywhere on the website. so what you know about the Bible is more important that what you know about God according to this website.

    1. To put it as charitably as I can, they believe that the King James Version of the Bible (not Christ) is the one mediator between God and humankind.

      1. To be fair, this is a fairly accurate description of evangelicalism in general (and I count myself among them). While they might not be talking about a version, it is a cultural cornerstone that the Bible is the one mediator between God and man.

    2. Theirs is the most randomly organized doctrinal statement I have ever read, as if it were numbered by Dogberry.

      1. It was so random….and I have never read a statement of faith that begins with “the Bible teaches…” Its so random and so other….they don’t play any part. They don’t believe. They don’t discover…The Bible is the active player.

        1. Our creed begins like this: “We believe in one God, the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth . . . “

  13. I looked into that Singing Cruise. “The bars, casinos, and slot machines are all locked.” Instead you can listen to hours of Southern Gospel music sung by people with big hair and big teeth. Sign me up!

    1. I can think of several other people I’d like to sign up for that cruise.
      It would serve them right.

  14. Wow! The first link on their page is to Creatively Litigating for Abusers (CLA). Definitely fundy.

  15. Is it just me or does it seem like the members of one IFB church resemble the members of another IFB church?
    Of course they dress, walk, talk, etc. the same, but I also feel like they all have the same faces…

  16. I noticed in their Fun Bible Facts that they attribute the authorship of 14 books in the New Testament to Paul. I was curious if KJV Onlyism forced Fundies to claim Pauline authorship of the Epistle to the Hebrews but now I know.

  17. Probably, even though scholars widely agree Hebrews was most likely written by Luke.

    1. Really? Don’t ever reading about Lukan authorship. Silas or one of Paul’s associates are more often cited. But truly only God knows. The Greek in Hebrews isn’t much like Luke-Acts. Some of the most eloquent Greek in the NT.

  18. Off-topic, but here’s a recent story with a BJU connection (through an adoption lawyer who went there, and lives across the street from it):


    Executive summary: Unmarried couple, girl gets pregnant and wants to give the baby up for adoption (maybe because of racist / religious parents–are they BJU too?), but the father (who is black, the mother identifies as white) wants custody, so the BJU lawyer tries to keep that from happening. Unmarried fathers, in order to be notified of any adoption proceedings that may occur involving their children, must enter their names on an obscure registry.

    1. Correction: the girl’s parents (we are told) were racist, while the would-be adoptive parents were religious. I got them confused.

  19. I notice some are holding the World’s Worst Religious Tract: the fake currency that gets left as a tip at a restaurant.

    1. I can’t think of any response to that that isn’t a cuss word. Well, one: WAY TO PASS OUT STONES FOR BREAD, YOU UNPRINTABLE EPITHETS!

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