Friday Challenge: Pulpit Jokes

Today’s challenge is to dig back into your memories and recall the very worst jokes that you’ve heard from the mouths of pastors, evangelists, missionaries, and other random people who stood up to speak.

Here are a few to get us started…

*****

A pastor was preaching in a small country church and only one lone farmer showed up for Sunday Morning service.

“What should I do?” the pastor asked the farmer.

“Well, if it was feeding time and only one cow showed up, I reckon I’d still give him some hay,” the farmer replied.

So the preacher got up into the pulpit and preached from Leviticus for two-and-a-half hours. After he was done he again approached the farmer:

“What did you think?” he asked.

“Well…” said the farmer carefully, “if it was feeding time and only one cow showed up I don’t reckon I’d give him ALL the hay!”

****

Q. Who was the shortest man in the Bible?
A. Knee-high-miah

(Riposte: No, it was Bildad the Shoe-height!)

****

Q. What’s the most biblical car to drive?
A. A Honda. The apostles were all together in one Accord.

****

A young pastor was pleased that every time he spoke an elderly lady would come by and tell him what “warm sermon” he had just given.

That is, until the senior pastor reminded him that “warm” just means “not so hot.”

****

Ok, it’s open mic. Who’s next?

261 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Pulpit Jokes”

  1. The local church needed painting. The lowest bid won the job, but the man lowered his bid so much that he wasn’t going to make much profit so he decided to water down the paint. He was almost done painting the steeple and side of the church when a rain storm came, washing all of the paint off the church. A voice came from heaven, “Repaint and thin no more.”

    1. This one makes me crack up, but only because my dad (who speaks fluent Spanish) asked a friend to translate for him. Dad told the joke, line by line, in English, and his friend translated it carefully into Spanish for a third friend who spoke only Spanish. And then they got to the last line…

      The joke was on the translator. Puns don’t translate.

      1. There was a joke involving a pun that actually works in both English and German and that was used in a Monty Python sketch. The premise was that during The Great War, the British created the world’s funniest joke, a joke that would cause the enemy to literally die from laughter. It could only be written in parts lest it kill the linguists developing it. Anyway, this was followed by a scene of two British soldiers walking through the countryside and loudly reading: “Mein hund hat keine nase. Also wie riecht er? Schrecklich*” This was followed by something like, “HAHAHAHAHA! Plop!” as the dead sniper fell from his tree.

        *(close enough) My dog has no nose.
        How does he smell?
        Terrible!

  2. Something, Something…..”Jesus Saves”

    Every bad golf joke in the world that features Jesus.

    And the ones I hate most are when they literally read them off the printout of the chain email from which they are stealing them.

    1. Jesus and Satan have a word processing contest in heaven. They both type furiously, and the Angel Gabriel judges their work at the end.

      He looks at their laptops and says. “Satan, you haven’t typed anything, but Jesus has typed a lot.”

      That old Devil is furious that he has been outwitted by Jesus. But, Gabriel smiles and says, “Jesus saves.”

  3. A pastor wakes up one Sunday morning and decides he would rather go golfing than preach that morning. So he calls the head deacon and tells him he is sick, and the deacon agrees to cover services. So the pastor went to the golf course, he tees up his first shot, and takes his first drive of the day. When the ball flies up, a gist of wind catches it and drops it right on the green, then another breeze drops it perfectly in the hole. The pastor stands amazed at his first hole in one ever. Up in heaven Michael the archangel looks over at God and says “why did you do that?” God answered…” Who is he gonna tell?”

    1. 😀
      “Golf is a good walk spoiled” – Mark Twain
      Two of my brothers play golf. My younger brother is better at it, though. Last week he hit a ball in one.

  4. This is not a pulpit joke.

    35 or so years ago my brother worked for Bob Jones Jr. Jr. and he became pretty good friends. One day they were both standing at adjoining urinals. Jr. made the wry remark: “It’s not good for much any more, but I still have to run a little water through it.”

  5. A pastor was visiting with an elderly member of his congregation who was blind. As the visit stretched on toward dinner time, the pastor began to get hungry. He noticed a bowl of peanuts on the table nearby. He figured his church member would not know if he ate a few peanuts since she could not see. He quietly began munching on peanuts while she talked. At some point, he realized he had eaten every peanut in the bowl. He was embarrassed to admit to her that he had been eating the peanuts, but he said, “Ma’am, I am sorry, but I have eaten all of the peanuts in the bowl here. I will buy you some more.” She said, “That’s okay, son. Just please buy the chocolate-covered ones. I have already sucked all the chocolate off of the ones in the bowl.”

    1. Not a church joke, but a real event.

      My father had on his desk a bowl of peanuts. He was NCOIC (non-commissioned officer in charge) of the flight line at the Air Force base, and this commissioned officer with a really bad attitude would always come by and steal my dad’s peanuts.

      So my dad switched them out with the little dried chile tepinas. Dried, these chiles look a lot like the redskin peanuts my dad used to like, though a bit rounder. Now my dad could tolerate the hot foods. He’d developed the taste on his many trips overseas. So he was munching on the chiles when the officer came by. The officer didn’t notice anything different, and came to grab a handful of peanuts as he usually did. It took a couple of good chews on the tepins before he felt the heat.

      He dashed to the water fountain — a mistake as water spreads the oil and the heat. So my dad called after him, “Go get some milk you fool!”

      For some reason, my dad’s peanuts were safe after that!

  6. At the end of a lengthy sermon one Sunday morning, a church member asked the pastor why he had a cut on his face. The pastor said, “This morning I was concentrating on my sermon and I cut my face while I was shaving.” The church member said, “Maybe next time you should concentrate on your shaving and cut your sermon.”

  7. Being in the south, I look back and I’m amazed at how racist some of the jokes were. I still remember an evangelist telling a joke about how there were black people in the Bible. The punchline was “Shadrach, Meshach, and A Big Negro.” SMH.

  8. Q. How many calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A. Depends on how many are needed to get all the unbelievers out of the room, for only the “elect” are given the light.

    1. 1. How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

      One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

      2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?

      None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.

      3. How many Arminians does it take to change a light bulb?

      All. They need everyone to make sure it stays on. One can never really be sure.

      4. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

      Change???

      5. How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a bulb?

      No one knows. They can’t tell the difference between light and dark.

      6. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

      One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

      7. How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

      Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

      8. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

      At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

      9. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

      None. They always use candles.

      10. How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb?

      One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

      11. How many members of an established fundamental Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?

      One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

      12. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?

      This statement was issued: “We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted-all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. ”

      13. How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?

      “What’s a light bulb?”

      14. How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?

      Youth pastors aren’t around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.

      15. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

      109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Subcommittee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which Hardware Store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who, then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

      1. How many Catholic priests does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to baptize it, one to pardon it, one to transform electricity to the body of Jesus (I know, what blasphemy!), and three to pray for its soul when it burns out.

    1. LOL. My dad’s a christian biker. We used to have an autograph fridge. When guests came over, they’d use a nikko to leave a message on the fridge. Ended up being a stupid idea cause we couldn’t keep it clean. But anyway.

      One biker mate left a comment “On the seventh day God created harley”. A little later another added, “But on the eight he Triumph’d over all the he’d done.”

      My childhood was interesting.

  9. My favorite pulpit joke I can’t remember. I only remember the aftermath.

    To set the stage, my church had an extensive broadcast ministry in the area. We had radio, TV, and Internet live streaming. All church services were live on the radio, and 1 hour delayed on TV/web.

    Our pastor was out sick. A layman, who was a former pastor himself, was the guest preacher that morning. Our church was kind of inner city, and was slightly more diverse race wise than your average snowblindingly white rural ifb church.

    The guest pastor, himself an “Old Fayshioned Preecher” type, white as sour cream, with the biggest good ol’ boy accent ever told a brilliant joke that I can’t remember the setup to, but I will forever remember the punchline:

    “Shadrach, Meshach, and a bad negro.”

    After the initial shock, people started walking out. Somewhere back in the production room, a phone started ringing. The actual pastor called from his sick bed and gave the following orders:

    1. Cut the live radio immediately and play music.

    2. Cancel the delayed TV broadcast.

    3. Destroy all copies of the service on all media, digital, analog, or otherwise, immediately.

    Nothing was ever said of the matter again. But that’s the first time I’ve ever seen a pulpit joke get more than a sensible chuckle.

  10. Kid at church sees a wall plaque commemorating the war dead. He asks his dad what it means. Dad says it is in remembrance of those who died in the service. Kid asks which service, morning or evening?

  11. A Baptist and a Pentecostal are arguing about which religion they will be in heaven. The Pentecostal says, ”We will be shouting and praising God. We will be Pentecostal in heaven.” The Baptist says, ”Nope, we’ll be sitting with John the Baptist. We’ll be Baptists in heaven. A United Church minister walks up to them and says, ”Sorry boys, we’ll all be United in heaven.”

    1. So then the Catholic Priest, Episcopal Priest, and the Baptist preacher went out fishing on a fine summer day.

      They’d no sooner gotten out to the middle of the small lake, when the Catholic Priest remembered he’d forgotten his bait. So he hopped out of the boat and walked back to the dock, got his bait and walked back.

      The Episcopal Priest remembered he’d forgotten the beer, so he got out of the boat, walked to the dock, grabbed the six pack and came back to the boat.

      The Baptist preacher was in awe. But he thought, if these heathen can walk on water, so can I! So he remembered he’d forgotten something, hopped out of the boat, and began to thrash around in the water.

      The Catholic priest looked at the Episcopalian and asked, “Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?”

      1. There is a fine line between fishing and sitting in a boat looking like an idiot.

        Buy a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

      2. Dear rgtmath:

        It happened that a Roman priest, a baptist minister and a Jewish rabbi became fast friends. They loved fishing, and took every chance to do so. But because accommodations were sometimes problematic, they agreed to contribute one third of the price of a motorized home. It worked well.

        One day, the priest came with the request that he would like to perform a ritual that was deeply meaningful in his Catholic faith. Since they were co-owners, he asked the minister and the rabbi for permission. This they granted.

        Later that day, the priest read holy words from a book and threw a cupful of water on the side of the motor home.

        Then the baptist minister decided that he to would like to perform a meaningful ritual involving their RV. He approached the priest and the rabbi as co-owners for permission. They had no objection.

        Later that day, the minister stood beside the motor home, placed his hand on its side, and offered a dedicatory prayer.

        Finally, the rabbi came to the priest and minister saying that Judaism also had a very meaningful ritual that he would like to perform and that it involved the RV. Once again, permission was granted easily.

        Later that day, the priest and minister came looking for the rabbi. After hunting for him several minutes, they decided to return to the motor home to see if they would find him there. But the rabbi wasn’t in the RV or beside the RV.

        What they saw was the rabbi’s feet and backside sticking out from beneath the unit. They also saw his right elbow working furiously in a back and forth motion. This went on for several more minutes. Then he emerged triumphantly.

        In his right hand was a hack saw. In his left was a piece of metal. On closer inspection, the priest and minister saw that the rabbi had sawed two inches off the tail pipe…

        Christian Socialist

  12. A small town on the edge of a forest suffered a plague of squirrels. The furry creatures outgrew the woods and took up residence in each of the town’s four churches.
    At the Presbyterian Church the Pastor and the Session decided the squirrels were predestined to be there, did nothing and the squirrels overran the church.
    The Catholic priest consulted with his Bishop and decided to emulate St Francis of Assisi, so he did nothing and the squirrels overran the church.
    The Baptist minister got together with the deacons and decided to drown the squirrels in the baptistry pool. But squirrels can swim, escaped and overran the church.
    The Episcopal rector and the vestry decided to baptize the squirrels and enroll them in the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

    1. My grandmother in rural Washington state did “skunk baptisms”, and made a big deal that it was by immersion (she trapped them and immersed them in her horse trough).

      She was tired of the critters making off with her eggs!

      1. A retired friend used to do something very similar. He would trap the troublesome varmints in cages, place the cage in a very large waste container, and then proceed to fill the receptacle with water drowning the creatures. Don’t know about you, but I don’t think I’d have the heart to kill animal pests in this way.

        1. I was feeling sorry for the skunks as the story was told…but I’m a city kid, not a farmer.

          But, I have absolutely no problem crunching roaches, and here I call the exterminator! That just wasn’t possible in South America, but I discouraged them as much as possible with Tupperware and cleanliness.

        2. The four-legged, presumed malefactors who suffered my friend’s judgement may have included raccoons and skunks. I’m with you though, I have pity for the mammals, but none for the invertebrates.

  13. True story. My eldest brother is a Methodist Lay Preacher. (A very good one). He was taking a service one Sunday a number of years ago, and did a short children’s talk, about Peter walking on the water. He asked the question “why did Peter sink?” And was slightly thrown off balance when one little fellow answered “Because he couldn’t swim!”

  14. I am an independent Baptist pastor, but I still think this is funny.

    As St. Peter was giving a tour of Heaven to a new group, he gave them a strict warning as they were heading down one hallway. He said, “As we head down this hallway, please do not make a single sound.” The group walked quietly down the hallway and passed a single door along the way. Assuming something really important was behind that door, they asked St. Peter, “What is behind that door that would require us to be so quiet?” St. Peter answered, “That is the room where the independent Baptists are. You have to be very quiet because they think they are the only ones here.” 😀

      1. Definitely not a Poe. I am truly an independent Baptist pastor. Nobody important, but I’ve grown up in the movement. Ha! If I told you my whole background, there is no way you would believe me. 😀 Anyway, I can definitely see some areas where we should have made more of an effort to interact with our communities. I seek to interact with my community now that I am a pastor. Just one example – a local charismatic church organized a citywide community event to help out our town. They organized a few hundred volunteers to spread out to the fire stations, community center, homeless shelter, etc. It was promoted as a community event, and our church participated in that. However, I am not going to have a joint service with someone unless we are on a very similar doctrinal page. While I don’t mind joining hands with different folks in a civic way, I am not interested in becoming part of any ecumenical movement.

        1. Independent Baptists don’t say the Lord’s Prayer. That’s meaningless repitition, dontchaknow?

  15. Alright, this one’s homemade so humor is not guaranteed.
    Q. Which leader of an empire came across as just an average guy?
    A. Darius the Median.

  16. Why should you take two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

    If you go fishing with two Baptist, none of them will drink your beer. If you only take one Baptist, he might drink all your beer.

    (not a pulpit joke. I do not recall where I originally heard it.)

  17. Dear SFL Reader:

    ‘She’s a light eater … as soon as it’s light, she starts to eat.’

    ‘She’s on a sea food diet … when she sees food, she eats it.’

    Christian Socialist

    PS: Disgusting behavior, deeply disrespectful, vulgar and in very poor taste, these so called ‘jokes’ make me think of more than one preacher. Again, I recall the two ‘pregnant’ guys Darrell posted a while back.

  18. A Baptist was sailing on the ocean when his ship sank and left him stranded on a lush island that was otherwise unoccupied. The rescue mission ran into complications, and wasn’t able to reach him for several weeks.

    When his rescuers finally arrived, they found him waiting comfortably on the island in the shelter of three quickly constructed shacks. On the way back, someone asked him why he built not one, nor even two, but three shacks. “Well, the first one was where I slept, the second one was where I went to church, and the third one was where I used to go to church.”

  19. Two boys see a porta-potty sitting next to a hill. They decide it would be funny to roll it down the hill, and do so. Several hours later, their father asks them if they were the ones who rolled it down the hill. Nobly, the boys reply, “Yes father, we, like George Washington, cannot tell a lie. We did it.” ” Well then, get ready for the biggest whipping of your lives, boys.” “But father, George Washington didn’t get whipped when he told the truth about the cherry tree!” “Yes, boys, but George Washington’s father was not in the cherry tree when he chopped it down.”

  20. Most of mine have been taken, but here goes:
    What’s the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist? The Methodist will speak to you at the liquor store.

    From the rural South: “Ya’ll are staring at me like a cow at a new gate!” (After saying something offensive, naturally)

    A farmer was in the field praying about God’s will. He looked up and saw the letters “PC” in the clouds. “It must mean ‘preach Christ’,” he thought, so he dropped everything and became a preacher. He was a miserable failure at it. When he went to heaven, he asked God about it. God said, “I meant ‘plant corn’.” Note: can substitute the letters G and P, and the phrases “go preach” and “go plow.”

    Finally, my favorite religious joke, which isn’t remotely fundy:
    Saints Peter and Paul were standing at the pearly gates determining who should get into heaven. They sensed some commotion behind them and turned to find someone inside the gates that they didn’t remember letting in. After this happened a few more times, Peter told Paul, “You go find out what’s going on. I’ll guard the gate.” Paul returned in a few minutes, rolling his eyes. “It’s Jesus again,” he said, “He just keeps pulling them in over the wall!”

    1. Miss TTU,

      Your cow/ new gate joke reminded me of something my old boss used to say. He was raised on a cattle farm. Any time he saw the thunder clouds rolling in, he would say, “It’s gonna rain like a cow pissin’ on a flat rock!”

      If you’ve ever seen it, that’s quite an analogy. 🙂

    2. Along the lines of your first joke, another one I’ve heard is:

      Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the Messiah, Protestants don’t recognize the pope as the head of the church, and Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.

  21. Three Baptist preachers were out fishing on a boat one day. As the day went by, they enjoyed many hours of discussion. Finally, one of them said, “The Bible tells us to confess our faults one to another. I think we should share our faults with each other and try to help each other out. I’ll go first and confess that sometimes I sneak a couple of alcoholic drinks.” A few minutes later, the second preacher said, “I’ll have to confess that sometimes I slip off to a movie in a nearby town.” There was total silence for the next thirty minutes. Finally, they asked the third pastor if he had anything to confess. He said, “I’ll have to confess that I really struggle with gossiping, and I can’t wait to get off of this boat!”

  22. Pick your favorite “big name” preacher and insert into this joke.

    Pastor ________________ was visiting the Grand Canyon with his family. He told his kids, “I’ve heard that you can hear an incredible echo in this part of the canyon. Let’s try it out.” And with that, he yelled, “BALONEY!” They were all very quiet, but they heard nothing.
    He decided to try again and yelled, “I’M THE GREATEST PREACHER IN THE WORLD!!!”
    Sure enough, they heard an echo. “BALONEY!!!!”

  23. Stinnett Ballew’s little thing where he’d start off saying “Wal-Mart,” and then run his hand across his lips, making it sound more like, “Walmrrrrr.” Or saying something about his wife or a woman’s weight, age or whatever, doing the same thing with his hand, something like, “MMMMnonyabusiness.”

    Another guy…”I promise that I’ll finish before the Waffle House closes. *looks at someone, it was once me* Sir, what time does the Waffle House close?”

    One fellow…To get attention while still trying to be funny, he did this wacky hand flailing IFB thing and says, “Lookyhurr lookyhurr lookyhurr”

  24. Heard at least two TV preachers use this one in the past, and it’s a classic example of a joke being used as filler.

    The gist of the illustration involves a lion roaming the jungle asking different animals (I know one version involved a flamingo and a giraffe) “Who’s the king of the beasts”? (Both animals say the lion is). The lion gets to the elephant, asks the same question but the elephant grabs him by the trunk, whacks him from side to side (a pretty common cartoon gag) and tosses him across the pond, to which the lion screams “You didn’t have to get so mad ’cause you didn’t know the right answer”.

  25. Southern Episcopal joke
    A Baptist minister was arguing with an Episcopal priest about infant baptism. Sir, you don’t tell me you believe in infant baptism, the Baptism minister proclaimed. The Episcopal priest replied: Sir, not only do I believe in it, I have seen it!

  26. “I tried to stop my son from playing video games then one day after school he came home with a black eye. I asked him what happened and he told me he got into a fight because his friend was being bullied for his race. He then said, if video games taught me anything… its that if you encounter enemies, you’re heading the right way.”

  27. Most of the jokes I’ve heard from clergy are so bad that they refuse to stick in my memory. However, organists always joke about wanting a “Pulpit Unison Off” coupler on the organ console. Another on the wish list is “Pulpit Trapdoor On” or perhaps a “Pulpit Eject.”

  28. What do you call 1000 IFB preachers with millstones tied around their necks? One step toward freedom.
    What do you call 1000 IFB preachers with millstones tied around their necks and their bodies 6000 feet underwater? Two steps toward freedom.

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